The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douche Bag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting you assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. It appears that some not so wonderful things have commenced at this soirée of insalubrious sycophants.

As I had previously intimated Inspector Gregson reports that the salon of Lady Chatterley has utterly changed character in the recent months. There is an entirely new group of lickspittles and toadies as well as several women of dubious character. One  brazen harpy in particular has proven to be a thorn in the side of most of the other more genteel denizens of this group of lonely and dim conversationalists. She constantly  turns the conversation back to herself and her concerns while trying to start contretemps  and controversies that would have various groups bicker and joust while she sits back with a Cheshire grim gloating on her trouble-making skull like visage. She continually displays her buttocks both literally and metaphorically. Although her skeletal countenance would serve to gag one of the rotund epicurean's maggots she deems it the object of desire of all as though she was a red bottomed baboon in the jungles of Uganda. Every topic must refer back to this bony bon vivant  as she has an insatiable appetite for attention and an unerring path to victim-hood and drama. It seems that she has assumed the role of Douchebag without the benefit of the sobriquet.

It is past understanding why Lady Chatterley does not protest thus usurpation as this is her own recognized modus operandi and you cannot have two actors performing the same role. Since she is presumed to be the locus of all drama in her demented salon it is past understanding why this rival attention seeking succubus is tolerated. Perhaps the Dear Lady's attention has been draw to other quarters or she may finally have fallen into the dementia which lurks so close to the surface in all of her attempts at social intercourse.

It now seems that this shrill and demented harpy has taken over the salon along with a rotund fancier of rotted maggot infested meat found in the thoroughfare and other like-minded miscreants whose existence walking in the light of day is a mystery to all and sundry. I am quite worried about poor Gregson as this salon has evolved into a Darwinian morass that would shock the most hardened natural scientist. I can only hope his fragile psyche can endure the damage until we root out this noxious coven of caterwauling menaces to our civil society.

 

With your permission I will endeavor to keep you informed. Your keen insights into this demented behavior would be most appreciated. In return if the Yard can be of help in your current case of the Hottentot who has disappeared in the disguise of an empty chair I will of course be at your service.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson. Please inform Doctor Watson that his recent habit of dressing like an Oriental woman while accompanying you on cases has come to our attention and we have managed to head off the inquires of the press. I would suggest he would limit such activities to privacy of your rooms.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899