Showing posts with label Derek Jeter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Derek Jeter. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

The Captain Abides


The Captain became the second of the Core Four to be elected to the Hall of Fame today. He was a first ballot inductee but he still got screwed. One moron didn't vote for him so it wasn't unanimous as was the ballot for the great Mariano.  Along with Larry Walker in the regular ballot and Ted Simmons in the Veterans Committee bullshit. Another deserving nominee Red Sox asshole Curt Schilling was denied again because he is an out conservative and most sports writers are communists.

The voting for the Hall has always been screwed up as there was a big movement to not put players on in the first year of eligibility. Which is bullshit because you are a Hall of Famer or you are not. You don't magically become more of a Hall of Famer in one year. The other is that people who are definitely Hall of Famers but are denied for reasons other than their performance. Curt Schilling. Pete Rose. Now it is Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. Now I hate Roger like the Arabs hate the Jews but I have to admit his performance demands that he be elected unanimously on the first ballot. The same for Bonds and Rose. Look they always do comparisons with players that in the Hall already.  You have to let in this outfielder or that because Harry Heilman or Reggie Jackson have much worse stats. There are a bunch of people in the Hall who did terrible things including murder. You have to go by their performance not their moral character. At least that's what I think. I would have to swallow letting Clemens in and Rose as well Their performance demands it. You are not in their because of you character. You are there because of you performance on the field.

Now we can wait for Spinelli's rant about how they should never be in the Hall.

By the way I hate that I have to stick up for famous Red Sox assholes like Schilling and Clemens.

Because you know one important fact that negates all others.

Boston Sucks.

Friday, September 19, 2014

The Captain is at the end of his string



It is almost the end of the line for the Captain Derek Jeter. Only tonights game and a few games against the Orioles are left of his Yankee career.

Tonight is very interesting because it is against the Tampa Bay Rays.

I bet that this is the team that he is going to buy after he retires.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (The Next Generation)

"Ladies and Gentleman. Welcome to Yankee Stadium on the day we honor our Captain and Leader Derek Jeter. Now we will send it down to the field for your ceremonies with John Sterling and Michael Kay"

"Welcome everyone to Derek Jeter Day in which we honor our beloved Captain and Leader Derek Jeter. We will bring out many people who were very important to Derek's career. His parents. His family. Joe Torre. His great teammates like Posada and Mariano and O'Neil and Cone and Bern Baby Burn Bernie Williams. Plus people that have nothing to do with him like Harold Reynolds and Cal Ripken and Michael Jordan. We will celebrate Derek's bright and shiny career as a Yankee Legend. What do we have up first Michael?"

"Well John we have the forty three players who played second base in tandem with Derek. Welcome all of these second baseman. We have Mariano Duncan and Chuck Knoblauch and Andy Fox and Pat Kelly and Homer "I Blame" Bush and Miguel "Let's Bomb" Cairo. Let's give them a big Yankee Stadium welcome......."

"BOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!!!!!! GET LOST!!!!!!!!!

"And that's how we do it here in Yankee Stadium John. Perhaps some of them have a few words to say? Here's Chuck Knoblauch to speak on behalf of all of them. Chuck?"

"LOOK I AM NOT CRAZY! SO I BECAME A GARDENER AND MARRIED A DRIED UP OLD BAT FOR HER MONEY! I AM NOT CRAZY! I LOST ALL ME MONEY TO BERNIE MADOFF AND THE THING IS WHEN I THROW HER A FUCK AND MISS SHE DOESN'T"T CARE! I AM NOT CRAZZZZZEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

"Thanks for that Chuck.......err maybe the nurses can help him out....so lets continue with our program. The only list that is longer then the second basemen that the Captain has played for is the women he has banged in his Yankee career. So let's have a big Yankee Stadium welcome for all the bitches that Derek Jeter has banged.....Come on down ladies....welcome Jessica Biel and Minka Kelly and Jordan Brewster and Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba and three hundred cocktail waitresses, fifty bartenders, sixty five chambermaids, twelve reporters and of course the one and only Mariah Carey! Welcome Ladies!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!!!!! YOU REALLY SUCK!!!! I MEAN YOU SUCK AT SUCKING OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T"T HAVE DROPPED YOU!!!!! SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!"

"So let's get Mariah to step up and speak for all the girls since she was his first celebrity date. Mimi?"

"Thank you John. I just wanted to say that my days with Derek were among the best of my life and even though I am married to Nick Cannon he really only has a pop gun so Derek I want to give my digits ...... wait a minute....what is going on?"

"Sorry Mimi but a stiff wind just blew up and for some reason all of the guests on the field seem to have fainted. Do you smell the ocean.......ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! WHEN IS THE GIANT GAME STARTING?"

"We will be right back after this word from our sponsor. GET THE HAZMATT TEAM OUT HERE STAT!"

Friday, January 17, 2014

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (The Next Generation)


Hello?"
"Hi, is that you Derek?"
"Yes who is this?"
"It's me, Mimi.'
"Mimi who?"
"Seriously Derek, you can't have forgot me already?"
"Is that you Cashman? Stop fuckin around."
"It's me Jeets. Mariah. Mariah Carey."
"I don't believe you."
"Look I can prove it to you.....(she caterwauls a high note that makes Derek’s cat jump off the balcony and falls to it’ death. That was ok because Derek never kept the same pussies around for very long. It is what he is known for.)"
"That doesn't prove anything. Cashman has been a soprano ever since Steinbrenner cut his balls off in 1997."
"Well if I am not me....how would I know that you used to like when I put on that Nurses outfit with the dildo with the numbers printed on it like a thermometer and shoved it up...."
"Ok...Ok so it is you Mimi. Was up? I haven't heard from you in a while."
"I just wanted you to know that I am really lonely these days. I miss you. I have always missed you."
"Aren’t you married and have a couple of kids or something. To that Nick Popgun guy. I bet your cooze is about the size of a manhole cover after you shit out those twins."
"They have an operation for that silly. I am as tight as one of those Japanese school girls they used to send up to Hidecki Matsui’s hotel room. You can come up and try it on for size. I have nothing to do now that I got fired off of American Idol."
"That’s ok Mimi. It might be tight and all but I bet it still smells like the Gowanus Canal on a July night after a dolphin died in it’s own shit."
"Fuck you ….you no good piece of shit I can't believe the Yankees gave you another contract you washed up piece of sh...(Jeter hangs up the phone)"
"Jeeez. Everybody's a critic. How am I going to stop this bat shit crazy whore from busting my chop’s. I know. I will text A-Rod her number. They both have a lot of time on their hands. "

 

Monday, October 15, 2012

It's time to step up...



Cousin Ron emailed me to ask why I wasn't doing playoff commentary. It is a combination of reasons.

It was my wedding anniversary this past Friday and as you can imagine Lisa wanted a whole big extravaganza. We went to Fraunces Tavern on the actual date and we are now at Seatuck for a few days to relax and regroup. So I have been off the grid for awhile.

The Yankees have being having a lot of trouble. They pulled out the Baltimore series even though their bats are deader than nd spinelli's cock. The only people hitting are the Jap and Ibanez.  And Jeter. Who is out for the rest of the post season. He was doing his job. Leading from the front. Taking the brunt. Now he is out of action and the rest of the team has to step and prove that they are "True Yankees." With the heart of Thurman Munson. The passion of Paul O"Niell. The fire of Billy Martin. The swagger of the Babe or Mickey.

They have to show us what they are made of.

Not just A-Rod. If he wants redemption it is all there in front of him. He can make New York his town. If he leads New York to the Series and wins he will be a hero. Jeter isn't there anymore. He has the chance to be a leader. To take the team on his back and take it over the finish line.

He will never do it in a million years.

The other stars will not be let off the hook. Doncha Know Robbie Cano better grab on to his balls and get the job done. The other high priced guys like Swisher and Mark and Grandison better look to their contracts as they are all coming up soon. Well three out of the four anyway. If they want to keep getting the big bucks now is the time to show us what they are made of.

It's time to step up.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Can you cano as good as the kid from Kalamazoo?




Most teams have a tough time when the fans have to pick their all-time teams. Not because there are a lot of great players competing for a spot. More that there are not enough a good players to field an All Star team let alone an All-Time Team. I mean the Mets fans are arguing about the relative merits of Eddie Kranepool and John Olerud. Or the Brewers fans deciding whether to vote for Sixto or Sevento Lezcano. Or ask nd whose the bomb......John Mayberry or Steve Balboni. The only team that will have a bona fide Hall of Famer at every position is the New York Yankees. And what is remarkable is that it is quite possible that three of the All-Time Yankees are on the team right now.

Now it is obvious that Derek Jeter will go down as the greatest Yankee shortstop of all time. Five rings. Maybe four thousand hits. More pussy than the port-a-potty at the Lillith faire. The popular choice before was the Scooter Phil Rizzuto but even he acknowledge that Jetes was the man and would take his place with Ruth and Gehrig and DiMaggio and Mantle and Berra. You are witnessing the career of the greatest shortstop on the greatest franchise in all of professional sports history.

The toughest thing for me to admit is that A-Rod might end up being the greatest Third Baseman in Yankees history. By the time his career is over he will have played the majority of his career as a Yankee. He might hold the all time home run record. I wish I could vote for Jumping Joe Dugan or Craig Nettles or Clete Boyer or Jerry Kenny or Celerino Sanchez or fucking anybody other than this annoying prick but waddayagonnado? He will have the stats and most likely two or three rings by the time his career as a Yankee is over. I am stuck with him and I think he will have the third base spot on the All Time Yankee team. That sucks.

 But the guy that is really surprising me is Robinson Cano. He has a good shot to be the All Time Yankee second baseman. I mean I guess most people would pick from a hodgepodge of Bobby Richardson or Willie Randolph or Tony Lazzari but I don't think any of them will measure up to what Robinson Cano is going to do if he doesn't get hurt or start hanging out in the Hamptons with Jason Kidd. Robinson Cano is on a tear lately and the last few years he might actually be the best player on the team. Which is saying a lot when you play for the Yankees. I actually plan my bathroom breaks around when he is coming up when I watching the game. If he continues on this pace he will have a sport with the immortals.

I feel honored to watch them play.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I guess Pastafarian hates Derek Jeter.


But not for his five World Series rings.

Or the fact that he is a first ballot Hall of Famer.

He hates him for the same reason all of those loser ball players do.

All the chicks he banged.

It's sad really.

Have you seen "Baseball Wives." If you did well then you get the picture.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend- the Next Generation


Yankee's Locker Room Spring Training in St Petersburg February 28, 2009

Jorge Posada: Hey they have a big spread about A-Rod and Cameron Diaz in the Post’s Page Six today. They say they are back together. Last I heard he was banging that Kate Hudson bitch. Why would he jump that pimple pocked pussy when he can get that young cooze?
Derek Jeter: A-Rod just likes to be in the papers all the time. I don’t think that other bitch is famous enough for him. Plus he likes them skanky. And old. I just surprised he ain’t banging Amy Winehouse.
Jorge Posada: You think so. That’s a piss poor excuse. Maybe he just digs that droopy loose pussy. I heard they did the deed with a three way with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and they used old Tom as a strap on.
Joba Chamberlin: Well that’s better than that smelly pussy right Mr. Jeter?
Derek Jeter: I told you rook, don’t mention Mariah again, all right?
Joba Chamberlin: Sorry Mr. Jeter.
A-Rod: (saunters into the locker room) Hey Chico’s how’s it hanging?
Joba Chamberlin: Like you sheets on Monday morning Mr. A-Rod.
Jorge Posada: What the fuck?
Derek Jeter: That must be a Nebraska expression man.
Joba Chamberlin: You seem to have gotten a lot of fan male this week Mr. Rodriquez.
A-Rod: I always do. My public loves me.
Jorge Posada: Yeah all the booing must be for somebody else when you get up there big guy.
Joba Chamberlin: You sure got a lot of packages. Here’s one somebody sent FedEx.
A-Rod: Oh man, I wish these bitches would leave me alone.
Derek Jeter: Well you should stop wearing that Hi-Karate bud.A-Rod: (opens the box and finds a six jars of pimple cream) What the fuck?
Joba Chamberlin: There’s a card attached. “Here you can use this for that pimple pocked puta you are banging. But don’t put it on your dick cause that’s the herp pendajo!”
Jorge Posada: Dude, you got to keep that shit out of the locker room, it’s bad for the team.
A-Rod: Let me see that. To A. Rodriquez Legends Field Tampa Florida….with love from Madonna, Cynthia, Kate and…….what the fuck…..Jeter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend the Next Generation


(Outside the Yankees Locker room in Jeter's rookie year, Joe Torre and Mel Sottlemeyer come out of the Locker room and run into Derek and his date in the hallway)
Joe Torre: Hey rook. Great game.
Derek Jeter: Thank you Mr. Torre. I would like you to meet my girl Mariah. Mariah this is my manager Mr. Torre.
Mariah Carey: So nice to meet you Joe. Derek loves you. He is always saying nice things about what you are teaching him. You are very wise.
Joe Torre: Why thank you. And I want you to know that my wife Ali loves your music. She has all your albums. So where are you kids off to?
Derek Jeter: Oh we are going out for a bite to eat.
Joe Torre: Yeah me too. I think I am going over to Rao's. For some reason I feel like some Bacala. You know some old fashioned stinky bacala like my grandmother used to make. I don't know why but all of a sudden I have an urge.
Derek Jeter: I guess that is an acquired taste.
Joe Torre: Yeah it is great once in a while but you wouldn't want to eat that every night.
Derek Jeter: You know Mr. Torre you always give me something to think about. See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Yo! Yo! I should be calling you Puff Momma Baby!


"Yo. Yo. I can't be believing that Derek Jeter was doing that and he give it up. Fersizzlle."

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Okay, Okay I'll do it.


"All right Minka enough already. I will do my Stevie Wonder impression."
"No new years's day
to celebrate
no chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
no first of spring
no song to sing
in fact here's just another ordinary day
No April rain
no flowers bloom
no wedding saturday within the month of June
But what it is
Is something true
Made up of these 3 words that I must say to you

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart"

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A True Yankee


I have previously talked about what it takes to be a "True Yankee." It's like what Potter Stewart said about obscentity....it's hard to define but I know it when I see it.


A True Yankee is someone who buys into the package. This history. The aura. The mystique. Not like that douche bag Curt Schilling said, they are not strippers. They are the heart and soul of what makes the Yankees what they are.


A True Yankee might not play for the team his whole career. In fact he might just play for a year or three. But in his heart he will always be a Yankee. Like Billy Martin. Or even David Wells. Some guys can play for the Yankees for years and never be True Yankees. Like Roger Clemens. Or A-Rod. Or Wade Boggs. Try as they might they are something else. Just not True Yankees.


I was thinking about that when I was reading the invective going back and forth in the fights over 911 and the feelings the left and right expressed yesterday. They were arguing about who is a "Real American." To me it's a lot like being a True Yankee. You might not be able to or want to list what the requirements are to you. But in your heart you know who is one and who is not.


Anyway I want to celebrate Derek Jeter who is the epitome of a True Yankee. He is the heart and soul of the current teams just as much as Lou Gehrig or Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle or Thurman Munson were in their times. Jeter will be breaking Gehrig's record for the most hits as a Yankee. He will have the most years with 190 or more hits in a career except for Ty Cobb and Pete Rose. He is a lock to get 3,00 hits and has an outside chance to get 4,000 which is unbelievable. He should get the MVP this year but will be robbed as usual since so many people hate him and the Yankees. But enjoy his class and professionalism. We will not see his type again for a long time.


Derek Jeter....I salute you.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Diamonds are a girls best friend, the next generation.


(Yankee batting practice, Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter just steps out of the batting cage)
Jorge Posada: Hey Jeter come over here.
Derek Jeter: What’s up dawg?
Jorge Posada: There’s somebody I want you to meet. It’s Senator George Mitchell. He came to apologize to us.
Derek Jeter: Nice to meet you Senator but I don’t know why you have to appolgize.
Senator George Mitchell: Well Derek you see when I issued my report on steroids I kind of concerntrated on the Yankees and didn’t let anybody know that the Red Sox were big time juicers as well. So you guys got all the guff and the Sox skated.
Derek Jeter: That’s OK Senator. Everybody knew that Manny and Big Papi were juicers. I mean just look at Papi now he can’t buy a hit since he is off the stuff.
Senator George Mitchell: It’s just that it wasn’t fair to A-Rod because he had to take all the heat this spring. I mean I didn’t have to give up the Red Sox guys but I could have made a statement to make his life a little easier.
Derek Jeter: Trust me Senator nothing you do is gonna help that putz.
(A-Rod comes running out of the dugout)
Derek Jeter: Hey Alex there is somebody who wants to meet you.
A-Rod: Fuck off Jeter I have to get my running in. That puta Kate Hudson is beating me down and I got to get my work in and I don’t want to meet your fuckin accountant.
Jorge Posada: (under his breath) what an asshole… (In a normal voice) Ah don’t pay attention to him Senator. He is feeling poorly. You see Kate Hudson keeps forcing him to do three ways with her mother Goldie and he has to do a shit pot full of Viagra to get it up for that disgusting piece of shit. And her mother. I guess Viagra isn’t on the banned substance list yet right?
Derek Jeter: Sorry about that asshole Senator. I hope you don’t hold it against the Yankees?
Senator George Mitchell: Don’t worry Derek I don’t think anybody holds what A-Rod does against you. I know he isn’t a True Yankee. But I think I do owe you guys one so let me know if I can ever do something for you.
Derek Jeter: Well there is one thing.
Senator George Mitchell: What’s that?
Derek Jeter: I need to refinance my mortgage on the place down in Tampa. Can you hook me up?
Senator George Mitchell: That would be Senator Chris Dodd’s area of expertise. I will give him a call. Maybe he can squeeze you in before he gets indicted.
Derek Jeter: Cool Senator. You’re a real stand up guy. Com’on let me take you into the dugout. We can give Steinbrenner a hot foot. He’s so out of it we can sneak up on him.
Senator George Mitchell: Great I used to do that to Strom Thurmand all the time.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Diamonds are a girls best friend, the next generation.


(Yankee batting practice, Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter just steps out of the batting cage)
Jorge Posada: Hey Jeter come over here.
Derek Jeter: What’s up dawg?
Jorge Posada: Rudy wants to talk to you.
Rudy Giuliani: Hey Derek I want you to meet someone. This is Governor Sarah Palin with her daughter Willow and their cousin Chris.
Derek Jeter: Nice to meet you Governor. Hey guys are you Yankee Fans.
Willow and Chris: Yes sir.
Derek Jeter: Well let me get you guys a couple of autographed balls and maybe a couple of autographed bats.
Governor Sarah Palin: Thank you Mr. Jeter.
Derek Jeter: You can call me Derek, Governor.
Governor Sarah Palin: Thanks Derek. The girls are big fans of yours. They love the Yankees. We used to watch you in the World Series all the time.
Derek Jeter: Ouch Governor. It has been a while. But you can’t win them all. You know something about that don’t you? Say do you guys know the three most important things about being a Yankee Fan?
Willow: Yes it’s great to be young and a Yankee.
Chris: It’s not over till it’s over.
Governor Sarah Palin: Boston Sucks. Especially the Kennedy’s.
Derek Jeter: Hey you guys really are fans.
(A-Rod comes running out of the dugout)
Willow and Chris: Hey Mr. Rodriquez can we have an autograph.
A-Rod: Fuck off kids your mother is too Republican.
Jorge Posada: (under his breath) what an asshole… (In a normal voice) Ah don’t pay attention to him guys, he is a little upset because he hasn’t been feeling well. He hurt his hip. I think he caught it from Madonna. All those old people have problems with their hips. Plus he only like old women who had lot’s of plastic surgery. So don’t take it personal. He would be all over you if you were Nancy Pelosi.
Derek Jeter: Sorry about that Governor. I hope you don’t hold it against the Yankees?
Governor Sarah Palin: Never Derek. I have always been a big time Yankees fan.
Derek Jeter: Well there is one good thing.
Governor Sarah Palin: What’s that?
Derek Jeter: A-Rod’s divorce should be coming up soon. I think the Judge that’s hearing it is a Republican.
Governor Sarah Palin: Great idea Derek. Can I leave the girls with you for a minute; I have to make a few calls.
Derek Jeter: Sure thing Governor. Com’on girls. Let me introduce to some super Models. They are all sitting in my private box and I bet they would be glad to talk to you. We can even give Heidi Klum a hotfoot. Her bazonka’s are so big she can’t see her feet.
Willow and Chris: Cool

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Diamonds are a girls best friend, the next generation.


(Yankee batting practice, Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter just steps out of the batting cage)
Jorge Posada: Hey Jeter come over here.
Derek Jeter: What’s up dawg?
Jorge Posada: Hey I want you to meet somebody. This is Judge Sotomayor, she is a big Yankee fan and wanted you to meet her nephews (under his breath) she fixed a couple of parking tickets for me man, somebody you should know.
Derek Jeter: Nice to meet you judge. Hey fellas are you Yankee fans?
Conner and Corey: Yes sir.
Derek Jeter: Well let me get you guys a couple of autographed balls and maybe a couple of autographed bats.
Judge Sotomayor: Thank you Mr. Jeter.
Derek Jeter: You can call me Derek, Judge.
Judge Sotomayor: You can me Judge Sotomayor.
Derek Jeter: Sure thing Judge. Say do you guys know the three most important things about being a Yankee Fan?
Corey: Yes it’s great to be young and a Yankee.
Conner: It’s not over till it’s over.
Judge Sotomayor: Boston Sucks.
Derek Jeter: Hey you guys really are fans.
(A-Rod comes running out of the dugout)
Corey and Conner: Hey Mr. Rodriquez can we have an autograph.
A-Rod: Fuck off kids your mother is ugly.
Jorge Posada: (under his breath) what an asshole… (In a normal voice) Ah don’t pay attention to him guys,he is a little upset because he hasn’t been feeling well. He hurt his hip. I think he caught it from Madonna. All those old people have problems with their hips.
Derek Jeter: Sorry about that Judge. I hope you don’t hold it against the Yankees?
Judge Sotomayor: Never Derek. I have always been a big time Yankees fan.
Derek Jeter: Well there is one good thing.
Judge Sotomayor: What’s that?
Derek Jeter: A-Rod’s divorce should be coming up soon.
Judge Sotomayor: Great idea Derek. Can I leave the boys with you for a minute; I have to make a call.
Derek Jeter: Sure thing Judge. Com’on fella’s let me take you into the dugout. We can give Sabathia a hot foot. He’s so fat he can’t see his feet.
Corey and Conner: Cool.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Diamonds are a girls best friend


George M Steinbrenner Field, Tampa Florida Yankee Spring Training

(Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada are soft tossing the ball on the field. Suddenly a very tan young man starts making a commotion in the box seats)
Lance Bass: A-Rod where are you? A-Rod I know you are out there where are you?
Joba Chamberlin: I am sorry sir but Mr. Rodriquez is hurt and had to have an operation. He is recovering at home right now.
Lance Bass: Oh damn him. He is just like all the rest. He will never call. (He turns and runs up the aisle weeping).
Jorge Posada: Hey rookie who was that?
Joba Chamberlin: That was Lance Bass. He was a famous singer when I was a kid.
Jorge Posada: Lance Bass? Isn’t he the guy from New Kids on the Cock? He is some kind of maricon right. What does he want with A-Rod?
Derek Jeter: Hey leave the kid alone. Don’t start that shit again. Who cares what he is into? It’s none of our business. More pussy for me ya know Chico.
Sweeny Murti (WFAN reporter is listening in) Hey Jorge don’t you know what’s happening. Selena Roberts’s book is coming out and she has a lot of stuff about A Rod and guys and stuff. He wasn’t just taking needles in his kesiter.
Jorge Posada: What the fuck? That jerk off was getting Julio in the Coollio? Man fuck this. (He throws his glove on the ground and goes into the clubhouse)
Joba Camberlin: Why is Mr. Posada all upset Mr. Jeter? I mean what is the difference if Mr. Rodriquez is a switch hitter?..
Derek Jeter: Don’t mind him rook. He is just sensitive. In the minor leagues Buck Showalter touched him in the shower and he got all freaked out and stuff. Showalter was always walking around doing shit like that. That’s why they called him Buck Naked Showalter. Now Jorge thinks everyone is checking out his ass when he squats and stuff. He will get over it. Hey Sweeny?
Sweeny Murti: Yeah Derek?
Derek Jeter: Is what you said true? Is this story gonna break. I mean I knew he liked muscle broads and Madonna only likes gay guys but is it true?
Sweeny Murti: Yeah I am afraid it is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Derek Jeter: Yeah not that there’s anything wrong with that. Like I said more pussy for me. Man it’s gonna be a long season.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Diamonds are a girls best friend, the next generation.


Breakers Night Club Tampa Florida Spring Training March 16, 2009

Jorge Posada:Hey Jeets what are we doing here? I just played my first game behind the plate and I am kinda tired.
Derek Jeter: I don’t really know but the rook asked that we come here. He said it was for the good of the team. Hey here he comes now. (Joba Camberlin walks into the night club with a woman who is wearing a floppy hat and shades. She is very shapely and seems vaguely familiar).
Jorge Posada: Well rookie what’s the story?
Joba Chamberlin: I am not a rookie anymore Mr. Posada so I thought I would do something to help the team.
Derek Jeter: Who’s your friend?
Joba Chamberlin: That’s what I meant. I know Mr. Rodriquez is feeling bad since he broke up with Miss Madonna and he caught the broken hip from her. So over the winter I met this famous singer at the reservation casino and I invited her to meet Mr. A-Rod. She is a big Yankee fan from way back.
A-Rod: (limps into the nightclub, sees the boys and comes over) Hey what’s so important that you guy insist I come over here.
Joba Chamberlin: I wanted to introduce to someone Mr. A-Rod. I know you like to date famous singers so can I introduce you. (The woman smiles and takes off her glasses and hat) Let me introduce to Charo. Charo this is Mr. A-Rod.
Jorge Posada: What the fuck?
A-Rod: Real funny Jeter. I knew you put him up to this. Fuck you guys. (A-Rod tires to storm out of the nightclub but look ridiculous limping like Chester from Gunsmoke)
Charo: I don’t understand.
Derek Jeter: Don’t worry about that loser baby, I am very very happy to meet you. Let’s have a drink.
Joba Chamberlin: I don’t understand. I thought he loved sixty year old singers.
Derek Jeter: Don’t sweat it rook. You did good. He doesn’t know the good stuff that maricon. I love you Charo. I remember seeing you on the Love Boat when you had that great outfit on. And on the Dean Martin Show. And that time on Merv Griffin. You know you were the first woman I ever rubbed one out to back in Michigan?
Charo: Really Senor Derek. That is so bueno. I love the beisboll. You are the best ball player in America no?
Jorge Posada: Well he likes to tell us that.
Derek Jeter: I don’t think I am the best but I like to think I am a good ball player.
Charo: So am I. I would love to play with your balls. I bet I can get them both in my mouth at the same time.
Derek Jeter: I will see you guys later. Let’s go for a ride my Bonita Chiquita. Cootchie-cootie baby.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Single White Female, MVP Edition (Most Vulnerable Pussy)


Derek Jeter: I know you weren't yourself when you did this, Alex. A-Rod: I know, I was YOU.
Derek: Hey man, you have to be yourself. Don’t worry the fans will like you if you bust your hump. Even Mr.Torre will start to respect you.
A-Rod: I hate myself.
Jorge Posada: Join the club homey.
A-Rod:What?
(Single White Female, 2009)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend.


Yankee's Visiting Locker Room Spring Training in St Petersburg February 28, 2009

Jorge Posada: Hey they have a big spread about A-Rod and Madonna in the Post’s Page Six today. They say they are back together. I thought he was banging that Kate Hudson bitch. Why would he jump that old hag when he can get that young cooze?
Derek Jeter: A-Rod just likes to be in the papers all the time. I don’t think that other bitch is famous enough for him.
Jorge Posada: You think so. That’s a piss poor excuse. Maybe he just digs that
droopy loose pussy.
Joba Chamberlin: Well that’s better than that smelly pussy right Mr. Jeter?
Derek Jeter: I told you rook, don’t mention Mariah again, all right?
Joba Chamberlin: Sorry Mr. Jeter.
A-Rod: (saunters into the locker room) Hey Chico’s how’s it hanging?
Joba Chamberlin: Like the Flag on the Fourth of July Mr. A-Rod.
Jorge Posada: What the fuck?
Derek Jeter: That must be a Nebraska expression man.
Joba Chamberlin: You seem to have gotten a lot of fan male this week Mr. Rodriquez.
A-Rod: I always do. My public loves me.
Jorge Posada:Yeah all the booing must be for somebody else when you get up there big guy.
Joba Chamberlin: You sure got a lot of packages. Here’s one sent FedEx.
A-Rod: Oh man, I told that bitch to leave me alone. Why can’t these bitches leave me alone?
Derek Jeter: Hey dude that kinda reeks, what is it?
A-Rod: (opens the box and finds a smelly dead fish in it) What the fuck?
Joba Chamberlin: There’s a card attached. “Here you can use this when you can’t get that dried up old whore in your bed you bastard.”
Jorge Posada: Dude, you got to keep that shit out of the locker room, it’s bad for the team.
A-Rod: Let me see that. To A. Rodriquez Legends Field Tampa Florida….from
Mom…what the fuck…..Jeter!!!!!!!!!!!!!