Sunday, December 20, 2020

Stop staring at my tits


"When you get to the cutoff.....cut off your Slawson."

"Oooh that sounds painful."

"Shut up and stick out your tits."

"Ok I can do that."

"Don't be a wiseass."

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Diamonds are a girls best friend


Toot’s Shor's Saloon, October  28, 1959 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: She’s in the back with some French faggot that she is making a movie with.  I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello. (Joe brushes by him without a word and walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? This is my friend Yves. He’s French. We made a movie together. Sit down and have a drink with us. (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a tuna fish sandwich left out in the sun)
Yves Montand: Bonjour Mr. Dimaggio. (Yves sticks out his hand and Joe looks at it. He ignores it like it was a dead fish. Humiliated the Frenchmen sits down and pulls out a cigarette)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? Yves and me have been having sex Joe. Lots of sex. You know he even knocked me up. That’s right. He got me pregnant. You couldn’t do that with your useless guinea needle dick.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: You can’t say that keed. Whaz da matta with you. You want Joe to pulverize this frenchy? (Yves Montard is not following the conversation too well. He just know the energy is bad. So he makes like a mime)
Marilyn: Shut up Toots. Joe needs to know what a useless fuck he is. Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. Joe divorced me because I couldn’t give him a baby. And that I fucked everyone. But that wasn’t my fault. That was how you get a job in Hollywood.
Joe DiMaggio:
oots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? Yves treats me right. He loves me Joe. Not like you. Even though I lost the baby he still comes around. Not like you you guinea fuck.
(Yves get more and more perturbed as Marilyn gets more excited. He puts his hand on her leg and she swats it away. Joe looks at that and his eyes narrow. Yves starts to sweat like there were Germans in the room)
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You believe me when I tell you that you were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all. I sucked them all.  But only Yves could give me a baby. YOU COULDN'T DO THAT COULD YOU?  WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed as she continually queefs out to the tune of La Mareillaise)
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse grabs Yves hand and they storm out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Get me Frankie Carbo on the blower. Right now.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. That fanoik is a big deal actor. You can’t touch him.

Marilyn's Diary

My Aunt Lily couldn't understand why Uncle Herman didn't want to bang her anymore. They had been having hot monster sex for over five hundred years. But lately he had not been interested anymore.

She tried everything. Wearing hot costumes and rubbing his privates under the table.Thrusting her huge titties in his face all the time. At dinner. Breakfast. When he was on the toilet. It just wasn't working.

You see Uncle Herman was getting plenty of poon tang. From me.

He would sneak up to my room and rub my nubile teenage body with his tongue. All night long.

I loved my Uncle Herman.

Defund the NFL

All of us have our own hobbyhorses. You know that issue that really gets you up in arms. For many moolies it is police brutality. For some woman it is sexual harassment in the Me Too style as long as it doesn't affect people who have the same politics.

For me it is the Anti-Americanism of the NFL.

We had a perfect example of the cowardice and the abrogation of American values in the recent Drew Breeze fiasco. He sent out an innocuous tweet that said that all lives matters. The virtue signalling and the social justice police came down on him and punked out like a little bitch.

Watch Joe Namath get creamed.

That's what football used to be about. Players on the field. Men were men and stood by their opinions. Their flag. Their country. They didn't surrender to the politically correct mob. 

Here is head poofter Roger Goodell abandoning a large segment of his fan base:

“We, the National Football League, condemn racism and the systematic oppression of black people,” Goodell continued. “We, the National Football League, admit we were wrong for not listening to NFL players earlier and encourage all to speak out and peacefully protest. We, the National Football League, believe Black Lives Matter. I personally protest with you and want to be part of the much-needed change in this country.”

I have given up on the NFL ever since the kneeling for the National Anthem began. I had been a fan for fifty years but I walked away. I urge all patriotic Americans to follow suit and leave this anti american league made up of felons and racial activists to stew in their own juices.

Defund the NFL.

Defund Cop Shows

The hysteria over Black Lives Matter has become almost as bad as the one with the Satanic Child Molesters. Remember that one. This is on a pace to be twice as bad.

The TV show Cops has been cancelled after thirty years. The hard core cop haters have demanded that the Networks cancel all the cop shows on TV. Or streaming. Which is fine by me. They don't have anything that can hold a candle to Adam 12. Or Dragnet. They can cancel all of them and I wouldn't give a shit.

Here is a list of the Top Ten Worst Cop shows on TV. Only because there are no good shows. Listed in order of suckitude..


This show is as old as my fucking socks and my socks are old as fuck. It was a spin off from JAG the Army Lawyer show based on Lindsey Graham getting raped in the Army. Starring Mark Harmon and this Pauley Person who quit or got fired after twenty years when his dogs kept trying to eat her on the way to craft services. I watched the first couple of seasons but I lost interest. Still it is on somewhere 24 hours a day.

9  Vera

This is an English show that my mother in law is obsessed with. It stars an old bag who solves crimes like Sherlock Holmes. It is actually a Holmes rip off as most English shows are. Either Holmes or Agatha Christie. Super smart detective with youngsters who run around and get all the details done. Of course they don't show the realities of England. No bitter packies or radical Muslims. No politically correct assholes who protest enforcing the laws. Good if you have trouble sleeping.

8. 911

Sort of a hybrid show it combines the fire department and the cops and the 911 operators in various shenanigans. The really disturbing part is the main couple which they of course have to make interracial who fall in love because the black husband of Angela Basset turns out to be gay. As politically correct as you might suspect. I had hopes of some entertainment when I heard Jennifer Love Hewitt was in it but she doesn't show her tits. The fire captain who used to be on the funeral parlor show on HBO had more chemistry with the corpses. Give it a Pasadena.

7.   Law and Order STD and all the Law and order bullshit shows.

This piece of shit show is part of the Dick Wolf franchise and has been on for fifty years. Starring Jayne Mansfield daughter and a bunch of rotating morons. Every episode is torn from the headlines. As long as the villain is Catholic priest or a businessman or some other white guy. Total liberal pap and unwatchable except by the morons with the brain cells of an amoeba who eat this shit up.

6. FBI Most Wanted

Another Dick Wolf show which stars the douche guy who was in Nip and Tuck and played Dr Doom. He leads a group of misfit toys who go after the criminal of the week who is always a white supremacist and never a Muslim terrorist or a gang banger. It is pretty stupid. They never show them wiretapping the campaigns of Republicans which is the first duty of the FBI. With an Indian sharpshooter who is much more believable as the veterinarian in Heartland. Give it a miss.

5. LA Finest

A buddy cop show with two hot chicks. Jessica Alba and her tits and some black girl. They run around beating up suspects and throwing around 300 guys because they are those special ninja chicks that can be superstar fighters and never break a nail. I don't know how they can stay on TV the way they beat up suspects. On its way to cancellation by virtue signaller.

4. FBI

The original FBI show by Dick Wolf it stars a Muslim FBI agent who arrests white guys who cause all the crimes and are the only terrorists in the United States. Also an Irish broad who got knocked up so she had to take a leave of absence from the show. Watch this show so you can learn how white supremacists are behind all the crime and terrorism and all Muslims are innocent and in danger of being killed by the KKK who control the world. A big big crock of shit.

3. Blue Bloods

This is the show they always point to as a "conservative show" as it shows an Irish Catholic family with Tom Selleck as the police commissioner and a boy band reject as his loose cannon detective and some Irish model who was Tom Brady's baby mamma as a lawyer. It is another white person criminal of the week show and it is really a disgrace on how it perverts Catholicism and the culture of the other boroughs. It infuriates me as I know these people and they are nothing like what they show on TV.

2. Chicago PD

Just about the worst cop show on TV. The cops act like criminals and tune up suspects every week when they are not killing them. Another Dick Wolf show they show what Hollywood thinks of cops. They are criminals and murderers. I don't see how this show can come back to TV. It is not doing anybody any good. Once again white supremacists are normally the criminals. This show is a cancer.

1. The Rookie

Believe it or not it is the best cop show on TV. It is a lot like Adam 12/ It is based in LA and has the crime of the week. Some convoluted plots but still the relationships ring true. They have a gay cop and they don't make a big thing about it. They have blacks and whites working together without all the angst you get in other cop shows. It is mindless entertainment. Best of all even the toughest cop is a straight shooter who doesn't tune up the suspects. It is just about the only cop show on TV today that I can sort of recommend.

Marilyn's Diary

My Uncle Herman was way ahead of his time. He was the first person I knew who did drugs. Who even liked to give himself a heart attack and have me give him an adrenaline shot to get his heart moving. Who organized orgies. What really surprised me was that he was sexually fluid.

You see he a detachable penis. He was made up of over 1000 separate parts. Sometimes he would take off his penis and put it in my bedside table. He would dress up like a girl and rub his mangina. When he felt like that we would have wild lesbian sex. It was incredible.

He would rub my kitty into a pulp. And that was not fiction.

I loved my Uncle Herman. Even when he was my Aunt.

Thursday, May 28, 2020

'I can't breathe:' Death of unarmed black man George Floyd leads to firi...

There are very few people who were as supportive as I was of the police with all they had to deal with. Especially with Black Lives Matters and the assassination attempts and Ferguson and all the rest. But the police have lost me and I can not support them or their bullshit anymore.

This last case of the straight up murder of George Floyd is one step beyond for me. I have always know the cops were corrupt and lazy. I remember when they used to collect for the Pad and came into Toomey's Tavern to get their dough while I was getting a growler for my old man. I remember how they used to coop under the F Train stop on Smith Street back in the day. They are uniformly lazy and useless. When you need a cop in seconds they are ten minutes away.

I had always listened to fellow conservatives tell me that we didn't have to worry about the government taking away our guns or our rights because the police would not enforce unconstitutional orders. Now I see them beating down the doors of a church in Chicago and arresting people in Brooklyn for opening up their business. Taking orders from the likes of DeBlasio.

The murder of this poor mook is not an anomaly. The cops who did it had a bunch of excessive force beefs. They should never have a gun and the ability to murder us.  The cops have too much power. They are good germans who will follow orders. They will take away your rights in service of governmental power.

We need to have full concealed carry available to all citizens. We need to protect ourselves. The police have forfeited our consideration by their behavior during this phony coronavirus crisis.

Conservatives need to step up and call these people to account. They are no longer worthy of our support.

Summer of Boo Boo

Most of the famous bears in America had moved to Jellystone. Or at least spent their vacations there. Ever since Yogi had set up his grotto in the park. He copied the one at Playboy Mansion that he was invited too by Hef when he had his TV show. Everyone came to visit him and hang out during the summer.

Smokey was always there toking up. One summer he invited his Hollywood friends Cheech and Chong and they were high all summer. They tried to give us some of their dope but we didn't indulge. We stuck to fermented garbage we would get from the tourist cabins.

Gentle Ben would come out and get drunk and rowdy and try to rape some of the lady bears. You see the nickname Gentle was sort of a joke like calling a really fat guy Tiny. Gentle Ben was a real asshole. They really should have called him Rapist Ben. He started a motorcycle club called Sons of Ursus and for a little while Sister Bear was his old lady until he wanted her to pull a train. She wasn't down for that so she came back home.

The Coca Cola Polar bear spent the summer with us. He liked the heat. In fact he spent most of his time sunbathing and trying to find oriental  campers he could kill and eat. They reminded him of the Inuit back home. Plus he spent a lot of time having sex. You see he was pure white and that was attractive to a lot of the lady bears who were sick of the black and brown bears who only wanted to fuck and live off their welfare checks. So he got laid a lot even though he was weird. Whenever he would put it in he would scream ISITINYOUYET! I think it was a Eskimo thing.

The weirdest of all was Gentile Ben. You see he was a brown bear who spent all his times with Jews. His regular job was up in the Catskills where he was the Shabbos Bear. You see he would turn on the lights and the TV's for the Jews who couldn't touch anything on the Sabbath. His main job was with this famous Lady Comedian named Maisel. She would take him on tour where he would act as a body guard as well as the Shabbos Bear. Gentile Ben was very weird. He wouldn't eat pork and he never spent any money. Plus he had a really big nose. He said it helped him fit in. He went on one date with Sister Bear but she said he was too strange. He wanted her to wear a wig and showed her a sheet with a hole in it. That was enough for her.

All of these strange sexual goings on took their toll on the family. The children had grown up and were sexual beings. Sister Bear was being pursued by many different bears. She had lots of dates and love affairs. The problem was not with her. It was with brother bear.

You see he never had a girlfriend. He just went to work at the Post Office and then followed around long brown haired campers to the make out spots in the park. It was actually pretty scary.

It was the Summer of Boo Boo.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

The Babe Abides

"Hey Babe hows the Hot Dog?"
"Ummm uggle umm."
"Looks good. Hey how many have you had? Twenty? Jeeez Babe ya gotta be kidding me. You are gonna get sick."
"Egggree umm slurp slurp."
"I know you can handle it. Still you might take it easy. You don't want to end up with a heart condition where you can't eat any dogs anymore. That would suck."

What if literary Masterpieces were written by different authors

What if Valley of the Dolls were written by Mary Shelley.

It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils. With an anxiety that almost amounted to agony, I collected the instruments of life around me, that I might infuse a spark of being into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet. It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open; it breathed hard, and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs.

It sat upright and gathered its legs beneath its twisted torso. The creature which I had created from the parts of many corpses trembled into existence. The heavy breasts of the murdered tavern wench heaved as the long blond hair of the decapitated footman lay matted on its head. The dead soulless eyes of the widow Guttfriend raised up and gazed upon me. 

It lived.

And it wanted dick.

Hop Sing Sick Mr. Hossaroni

"Me very sick Mr. Hossaroni."
"Whats wrong Hop Sing?"
"Oh I eat bat soup. Very bad for Hop Sing even though it make my noodle very hard. Now I have Kung flu."
"Is it catching Hop Sing?"
"Yes it very catching. You need to shut down Ponderosa. Close all business in Virginia City. All of Neveda. Other wise some people get sick."
"Some people. How many Hop Sing?"
"I don't know Mr. Hossaroni. Why take chance?"
"Why you want us to close down the state on the chance that some people might get the flu?"
"Yes Mr. Hossaroni."
"You are one dumb chink if you think we are going to do that. Just sit there and try to get better. I will bring you some soup."
"Just not bat soup."
"Okay Hop Sing. I get special Won Ton Soup for you."

Will the food supply chain break

Things are happening in our America that have not happened since the Great Depression. All because of illegal and unconstitutional interference by the government. Soon enough there could be a famine as the food chain will break because of interference in commerce by over bearing government.. 

The chairmen of Tyson Foods John H Tyson said:

“In addition to meat shortages, this is a serious food waste issue,” Tyson claimed. “Farmers across the nation simply will not have anywhere to sell their livestock to be processed, when they could have fed the nation. Millions of animals – chickens, pigs and cattle – will be depopulated because of the closure of our processing facilities. The food supply chain is breaking.”

Basically what he is saying is that the closing of meat packing and processing plants has led to a surplus of product that is not being processed to be sent to the supermarkets throughout the nation. The food is there but it is being wasted. We already have seen millions of gallons of milk and millions of eggs being destroyed because they can not be brought to market. 

This is because of government dictates that have closed plants or forced truckers to not transport product.

People will get hungry. Very hungry. What little reaches the shelves will be hoarded much like toilet paper. I know I stocked up with a lot of pasta in the thought that just such a thing will be happening.

President Trump needs to step in and somehow stop this calamity. The Justice Department has to step in and fight against the onerous shut down orders of tinpot dictators like the governors in Michigan, New York and Arizona. This can not stand or we will be facing a disaster of immense proportions.

This is what the shelves looked like the first week of the shut down. It is only going to get worse.

Kung Flu: Pandemics of the United States

The first epidemic that caused a widespread panic in the United States was the Japanese Crab Flu brought to America by Commodore Matthew Perry after he opened up Japan in 1853.  Brought to American by the sailors who were part of the expedition to open Japan to American trade this pandemic caused giant crabs to grow on the genitals of the infected parties. It was transmitted sexually and caused a panic as the infected would stumble through the streets with giant crabs protruding from the front of their pants.

Except for the Secretary of State James Buchanan who inexplicably caught a case that was protruding from his anus.

(Kung Flu: Pandemics of the United States by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Norm Macdonald's Pandemic Jokes

How about that AIDS?

Didn't they tell us that would kill us all whether we were gay or straight?

You know who the sent out to tell everyone that would happen?

Dr. Fauci.

What if literary masterpieces were written by different people

What if James Clavell had written Godzilla King of the Monsters.

First she studied her husband's flower arrangement. He had chosen the blossom of a single white wild rose and put a single pearl of water on the green leaf, and set it on red stones. Autumn is coming, he was suggesting with the flower, talking through the flower, do not weep for the time of fall, the time of dying when the earth begins to sleep; enjoy the time of beginning again and experience the glorious cool of the autumn air on this summer evening...soon the tear will vanish and the rose, only the stones will remain — soon you and I will vanish and only the stones will remain.

His love of her and his love of nature could not be denied. When he begged her to walk with him in the garden she could not refuse.

“Come my darling” he said. “Come walk with me as we walk arm in arm under the cherry blossoms.” “Where will we travel to my husband?”


Tuesday, April 21, 2020

What if literary masterpieces were written by different people

Occupied in observing Cthulhu's attentions to her sister, Elizabeth was far from suspecting that she was herself becoming an object of some interest in the eyes of his friend and half brother. Hastur the Unspeakable had at first scarcely allowed her to be edible; he had looked at her without admiration at the ball; and when they next met, he looked at her only  as perhaps a bit of fodder for his insatiable appetite. But no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she had hardly a good morsel in her lank frame with no meat in her hips or breast, than he began to find it was rendered uncommonly succulent by the beautiful expression of her tender sprouting limbs. To this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying. Though he had detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry in her form, he was forced to acknowledge her figure to be light and appetizing like a fresh baked scone; and in spite of his asserting that her manners were not those of the fashionable world, he was caught by their white sugary essence. Of this she was perfectly unaware;--to her he was only the man who made himself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her sufficiently toothsome to devour in praise of the Elder Gods.

Monday, April 20, 2020

"Angel From Montgomery"

Born to be wild Hossaroni

"Hey Hop Sing come over here and hop on."

"Wat dat Mr. Hossaroni?"
"It's my new Little Rascal. They are selling them down at the mercantile. It's one of those dad gummed horseless carriages. I will be riding it instead of a horse from now on."
"Wat wrong with Horse Mr. Hossaroni?"
"Dag gummit Hop Sing but everytime one of us Cartwrights get interested in a girl they get run over by a horse or sumtim. This eliminates one of them there problems. Now climb on you can be my bitch."
"Okey Dokey Mr. Hossaroni let me tie up pig tail first. Lets ride."

The Summer of Boo Boo

We all got sick when the Chinese Panda Bears moved next door. Their young daughter Ling Ling gave Brother Bear a virus. Not the one he always got where his penis would burn when he took a pee. This one was named after a beer. Ranger Smith called it the Coors Virus. I don't know why but I think he thought it sounded cool.

We all caught the virus. It made us cough and wheeze and it was hard to breath. We all sounded like  Papa Bear when he took Mama Bear into their bedroom and locked the door after he had been drinking all day. We huffed and puffed and sounded like we were running a race. It got so bad we had to go to the Hospital.

There were a lot of sick bears there. Smokey was hacking up a lung. He was always against forest fires but he smoked like a chimney. Gentle Ben was there and he wasn't gentle at all. We even saw Gentile Ben who was the shabbos goy for all the Jew Bears. They were all in the hospital and they were all very sick.

The Doctor in charge was a greasy Eye-talian who looked like he was looking for his momkey before he started grinding his organ. Or that he would rather be grinding his organ than taking care of sick bears. Anyway he said there was nothing he could do. We had to self quarantine at home. No more going to work. No more frolicing for the tourist so they would throw us food. No more raiding garbage cans.

We are going to starve. And that dirty wop doesn't care.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

Panda Sex with Charles Bukowski

Van Gogh writing his brother for paints
Hemingway testing his shotgun
Celine going broke as a doctor of medicine
the impossibility of being human
Villon expelled from Paris for being a thief
Faulkner drunk in the gutters of his town
the impossibility of being human
Burroughs killing his wife with a gun
Mailer stabbing his
the impossibility of being human
Maupassant going mad in a rowboat
Dostoevsky lined up against a wall to be shot
Crane off the back of a boat into the propeller
the impossibility
Sylvia with her head in the oven like a baked potato
Harry Crosby leaping into that Black Sun
Lorca murdered in the road by Spanish troops
the impossibility
Artaud sitting on a madhouse bench
Chatterton drinking rat poison
Shakespeare a plagiarist
Beethoven with a horn stuck into his head against deafness
the impossibility the impossibility
Nietzsche gone totally mad
the impossibility of being human
all too human
this breathing
in and out
out and in
these punks
these cowards
these champions
these mad dogs of glory'

this gang bang of virtuosity
moving this little bit of light toward us

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

It was 30 years ago but I remember it as if it was yesterday.....

I saw John sing this in concert back in the day.

Speaks to you as you sit at home keeping your distance.

Angie and Frank


"Hello Angie. I'm the King of Siam. Shall we dance."
"Fuggedabout Baldy. She's with me."
"Don't be mean Frank, He's harmless. I hear he's packing a Magnificent Seven. A lot better than your pal Jack."
"Don't be a slut Angie. Now come sit on my lap and I will show you the braciole."
"Oh I love me some Italian."

Dr Fauci said......

Dr Fauci said it is too soon to go back to normal. Too soon to go to restaurants. Too soon to go to the ballgame. Way too soon to go to church. Or buy baby car seats. Or flowers for your garden. Too soon to be Americans.

You see Dr. Fauci knows better. He knows how you should run your life. He knows better than President Tump. Better than your governor. Better than you.

He knows he can fuck you.

And there doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it.