Stupid Moose and Squirrel will Die!!!!!

Natasha never could quite get over the fact that her two costars were not interested in her sexually. She only had her sexuality to offer. Or at least that is what she thought.

You see she had a lot of trouble with the language. She had originally appeared in Russian cartoons. She was a child star who got her start because she was molested by Sergei Eisenstein in a pool when he was supposed to be taking photos of her for a children's book. So sex and employment were always intrinsically linked in her mind.

Her first bit in Hollywood was in a lesbian loop with Betty Boop and some bestiality porn with Deputy Dog. She really had to work on that droopy mutt to get him up. Nothing was as frustrating as these ridiculous Moose and Squirrels.

They would have to die!
(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

Stupid Moose and Squirrel will Die!!!!

We didn't know what to do with Natasha. She just loved to walk around the set naked. Well in a pair of knee high black riding boots and carrying a whip. She went through the crew like shit through a goose. There wasn't a guy on the set that she didn't bang. Even the gay ones gave it up because they didn't want to face her if she was pissed off.

There was only one guy she couldn't get no matter how hard she tried. Poindexter. He was just not interested. He only cared about science and was always making jokes about the periodic table that nobody understood. Natasha would sneak into his trailer and lay naked and play with herself while she waited for him to come back to the set. But he would just walk right past her to play with his chemistry set.

She was furious and felt the need for revenge. That was when she decided that she was actually going to kill the moose and squirrel. For real.

(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

Stupid Moose and Squirrel will die!

There were many problems on the Bullwinkle show. There was the problem of Rocky the Flying Squirrel's satyriasis. He banged anything that moved. He had affairs with every cartoon character in Toon Town. His bouts with Betty Boop were legendary. That is why she sounded so funny. It was because of all the rabid squirrel come she had swallowed.

Then there was Bullwinkle's homosexuality. He had many beards through the years. I mean he went on a date with Natalie Wood for crying out loud. But then so did James Dean and he was a big old homo. Bullwinkle always had a young protégé in his entourage that he was banging in his trailer between takes. Many a young actor in the early sixties passed through his clutches as they worked as his "assistant." Robert Redford. Sal Mineo.  Jack Klugman. Dennis Hopper. Even Jack Nicholson when he was down and out. They were a constant problem on the set with their drug use and wild sexual antics.

But none of the problems we had compared to the trouble we had with Natasha Fatale. The rumor was that Natasha was a lesbian. This was because she was molested as a child by her father Klaus in their native Germany. You see Natasha was German even though she played a Russian on the show. Well actually an Austrian but then so was Hitler who was a good friend with her father. Natasha was always drooling on the female guest stars and trying to get something going with them. The fact that she pretended she was gay meant that most of the men on the show left her alone. However she wasn't really a dyke. She was a really a bi-sexual who was really into bondage. She loved to try people up and beat them and twist their nipples until they screamed for help. She had this kinky friend named Inga who had escaped from Austria with her and they liked to recreate the torture that their fathers had performed on the Jews in the camps. They were pure evil. Once Natasha tied up Bullwinkle and put him a boiling vat of water. Luckily Bullwinkle was a nimble pervert and had been in that spot before and was able to free himself before he became moose soup. He was scared. But he loved it. He just tweaked her nipples until they bled and slapped her around. Natasha was in love.

There was never a dull moment on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.
(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

The Help-ski

So I never continued the story of the search for a maid.

First of all one of our friends is incensed that we call her a maid. I don't know why. Isn't that what she is? A housekeeper lives in your house. A maid cleans things and then goes away. A man needs a maid.

Anyway we had to get rid of the Jamaican Mary Poppins after two days. It just didn't work out. We had a bunch of leads from Craig's list and interviewed a new one. She is Russian.

At first I expected a burly Stevlana type but she was a tiny mousy little girl. She came to this country as a student and met someone and got married. She was very eager and wanted the opportunity for a full time job at a good pay rate. The first day wonder of wonders she showed up on time and went right to work. She finished all of her assigned tasks in a brisk and efficient manner. There was only one hiccup.

When we went downstairs the radio was playing and WABC and Rush Limbaugh was on. The wife started yelling at me "What are doing making her to listen to your programs. She is going to quit after one day." Of course I had not put on the radio as the wife likes to blame me for everything. I am still hearing it about Katrina. And the fucking Tsunami Anyway the girl pipes up in her squeaky Russian voice "No missus, I put on radios ....I likeski the politics!" How cowski. Not only does she clean but she is a conservative. She won't break my Cutis Lemay commemorative plates. Score.

But then a potential problem came up. When I came downstairs she had the radio on.

She was listening to NPR.

OH shitski!

Better call in stupid moose and squirrel to check it out!

Rocky and Bullwinkle, The E True Hollywood Story

It wasn’t easy being a closeted gay moose in Hollywood in the 1960’s. The studio was afraid of the backlash from Christan groups and the Catholic church if they found out that a beloved cartoon character was gay. It wasn’t that hard for Bullwinkle to cover it up. Rocky was a well known swordsman and his exploits with cartoon chicks in public was legendary. Rocky once had a three way with Bette Rubble and Penelope Pittstop backstage at a Rolling Stones concert that they are still talking about. Even Keith Richards thought it was a little much. So Bullwinkle could lay low. He would have a few dates with Natasha every other month. She had the same problem as she was a big time lesbian. So they would be each other’s beards and have high profile dates in public so the press could take their photos. Bullwinkle would save his true self for the parties that Rock Hudson and Tab Hunter would throw up in the Hollywood Hills. Nobody even questioned that he had lived with Wally Cox for ten years. It was a more innocent time.

(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)