Tales of the FBI

Bobby Kennedy: I want to thank you for quashing that little mixup with Jack and Marilyn J Edgar.

J Edgar Hoover: You can call me Director Hoover you silly bitch.

Bobby Kennedy: Well no reason to get all touchy Mr Director sir. I mean my brother is still President you know?

J Edgar Hoover: Not if Carlos has anything to say about it.

Bobby Kennedy: What...what are you talking about?

J Edgar Hoover: Oh nothing. I have to go walk my rare clumbers. You know we always pass this falafel stand with this handsome young fellow with two names. Some sort of A-rab I understand. I think I will have to make his acquaintence.

Bobby Kennedy: Well don't do anything I wouldn't do.

J Edgar Hoover: Really Junior. You better get a grip. Clyde...Clyde get the car....I want to get out of this dump.

Clyde Tolsen: Here it is Eddie (Tolsen and Hoover climb into a black Lincoln and pull out of the White House)

J Edgar Hoover: My goodness I hate these shanty Irish.

Clyde: Did you tell him about the photo of him with the young girl who will grow up to be on the "Real Housewives of DC" Eddie?

Clyde Tolsen: No you fool. Then I would have to tell him about the time machine. What are you an idiot?

Tales of FBI

Mark Felt: Deputy Director Tolson. We have to get the Director.
Clyde Tolson: What’s the problem Felt?
Mark Felt: President Johnson is on the line. He needs to see the Director right away.
Clyde Tolson: Tell that illiterate shit kicker that J Edgar is busy. He has to bestow an award on a couple of fine young men and he doesn’t want to be disturbed.
Mark Felt: But it is urgent. He called us on the red phone.
Clyde Tolson: Really. The Red Phone? What is he fucking Commissioner Gordon. Oh all right but if Eddie gets pissed you are going to have to calm him down. I mean they don’t call you Deep Throat for nuttin after all.
Clyde Tolson: Eddie…Eddie you have to wrap it up…that Texas Jackass is calling.
J Edgar Hoover: What….I don’t care.. I have to give this nice young Negro Boy his present…So tell me…do you like gladiator movies?
OJ: No sir.
Larry Csonka: OJ likes the ladies don’t ya OJ.
J Edgar Hoover: Shut up you dumb polack. You don’t like those nasty girls…you know they will get you in a lot trouble if you mess around with those nasty girls young man.
OJ: Thank you sir, I will keep that in mind.