It's not the trill of victory!

The wife loves the Olympics. Especially the Winter Olympics! Ice skating. Ice dancing. Ice speed skating.

The only time I like ice is when it is in a rocks glass with some brown liquid.

But it helps with insomnia theatre. Last night we saw the American girl pull it out and win the ski jump thingy. And the Apollo Creed guy deeked two Koreans out and won a medal. She loved all that stuff.

Me, I got to snooze though it all. Win/win.

Return of Insomnia Theater.

So we were working on posts last night and putting stuff up on the website. I was exhausted so I lay down and went to free movies on demand. And what was on but an old favorite "The Devils Brigade" with William Holden. So I put it on and as always happens the wife started to watch it. Now this movie came out in 1968 and had a lot of people she sort of recognized and would elbow me when they came on and ask me their name. "Whose that the family fued guy" "Richard Dawson." "The guy from the trucker show" "Claude Adkins." "Hey who was the guy staring at the Catwoman...I thought that was Trey." "No that was Michael Rennie."

I hate it when I have to tell everyone who is in the picture. I mean most of the photo's I use here are not of the person I am talking about. So you can't take them too seriously. They are meataphos so to speak.

Except for the catwoman. Those are a tasty piece of meataphor.

The most boring show in the history of Television.

Hey great news. The most boring show in the history of television is playing on ABC on Sunday night/Monday morning at two in the morning.

We have been taping it and feel asleep the last two nights without making it all the way through. It is a sure fired sleep aide and beats the shit out of ambien.

So if you have insomina like we sometimes do, tape this crap and play it as you are trying to sleep.

Hey that's a lot of sperm!

So we ate really late again and we had to go to insomnia theatre. Now I often put on what they call the "American TV channel" which has reruns of old sixties programs. Last night they had "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" the old submarine series from the sixties. In this episode, Richard Basehart the admiral goes out in a diving bell with a beautiful Russian lady scientist to examine an undersea station that was destroyed. Well as they were being lowered down what happens but a giant Sperm whale come along and swallows them whole. The whole freakin' diving bell which is about twenty feet high and thirty or forty feet wide. The captain has to lead a crew of divers to attach a line to pull it out of the whales belly after the tranquilize it. It had the most craptastic special effects I ever saw. The whales belly looked like a quilt or a bunch of pillows. You had to see it to believe it. Of course the wife was intrigued by the story and kept asking me questions so I couldn't go to sleep. Once again I pick a sixties TV program that keeps me awake past my bedtime.

Insomnia Theater: I said the New York Jets, Jeez!

Well after 17 cups of coffee you might think I would have a problem falling asleep. Not at all. That wasn't the problem. When I put on the TV I decided to put something old and familiar which would lull us to sleep. So I put on the Jets. But I should have put on the replay of the New York Jets offense because that would have put anyone to sleep. I made the mistake of putting on West Side Story which was on the cable last night. Old and familiar and could put you to sleep? Well not when your wife wants to sing along all night and act out the dance moves. She loves musicals.

Thank God for boring television.

The photo shoot looks like it is going to last past one in the morning. So when we get home we will be exhausted. Thank God there is this really boring Canadian television show Davinci's Inquest that we can put on that will put us right to sleep.

Thank you CBC.

We may have found the answer to Insomnia Theatre.

We may have found the answer to Insomnia theatre where we search for something to put us to sleep when we are tossing and turning. It's a Canadian show called "Cold Squad" which is an obvious rip off of the CBS show "Cold Case." Anyway it is set in Vancouver and the acting and stories are incredibly inept. But what really works is the dull and sonorous tone. I mean it is deadly boring and in a Canadian accent yet. Eh.

There are a few glitches. The wife keeps waking me up to tell her who the actors resemble:
the old detective guy looks like like the guy in the garage with the Puerto Rican guy.....oh Jack Albertson.....the forensic doctor with the skinny nose and the dark brown hair looks like that actress...you know not that one.. the other one.....oh you mean Natalie Portman.....the star of the show with the dyed red butch hair cut looks like someone.....who Tim's wife....yeah that's it.

Once we get all that sorted out it is the perfect boring show to fall asleep with it droning in the background.

Finally those dirty Canucks are good for something.

Hey no insomnia last night.

We were so tired after three days at the accesories show we conked right out. Didn't have to even watch Poker After Dark which was pretty boring.

It's only watchable when Jennifer is all in. So to speak.

Insomnia Theatre was in Hawaii last night.

Sarah Marshall: Seemingly, the only actresses that can survive are the ones that show their cooter and I refuse to that. Excuse me, but I have a little dignity.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 2008)

We couldn't sleep of course so we got the pay per view movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall which was principally filmed in Hawaii and it drove the wife crazy. We have two time shares in Hawaii but haven't been able to go the last two years since we opened the store. So now she is scheming and planning the trip.

I knew I should have got Iron Man.

Maybe then she would have just bought a new Iron.

Gratuitous bathtub picture of the day!

Today's gratuitous bath tub scene is for the dolls. And Titus.

Now this is not from the upcoming movie "Being in John Malkovich "

Last night I was flipping the remote and came upon an HBO movie called Bikini Island or something in which these people were playing strip poker. It was two naked ladies and this dude. Within two minutes they were all naked and having a three way thing. Now this was HBO so you didn't see any genital action but it seemed very porno-ish for HBO if you know what I mean. I thought to myself, hey Merry Christmas to you too HBO.

But then I thought, do women think about three ways the way so many guys do? I don't think so cause the whole thing seems very awkward. At least the way they did it in the movie did. It was very strange.

I hope they change it up on Poker After DarK!

Man we were so exhausted after cooking Christmas dinner and entertaining that we only lasted through ten minutes of Poker after Dark. It has been real boring because it is a two man game tournament that wasn't much fun. Plus that Poker Brat asshole guy is involved.

I want them to switch to the celebrity game. Maybe Jennifer Tilly can play. Now that's what you want to play with don't ya think. Just sayn'

Insomnia theatre burns up with Streets of Fire.

The Vicodan kept me up last night. I never take anything stronger than Bayer asipirn so that stuff threw me for a loop. I am not taking anymore and will suck it up.

But the stuff did keep me up watching TV which sucked because my wife was actually able to sleep and I couldn't which is the exact opposite of normal. Anyway one of my all time favorite movies was on: Streets of Fire.

This is a straight rip-off of the searchers by Western fan director Walter Hill. Diane Lane plays a singer who is kidnapped by a motorcycle gang who ride into town on a raid. She's the Debbie character. Willem Defoe plays Raven the head of the gang who is the Scar figure. And the Eddie and the Cruisers guy plays "Tom Cody" who is Ethan.

This has a lot of stuff going on. Great music by Jim Stienman who is the real "Meatloaf" being the guy who wrote all the music on "Bat Out of Hell." There are several top notch music interludes since this was the time of music videos real big popularity in the early eighties. Then there is the showdown where the two dudes duke it out with sledgehammers. And the grungy club where they hold Lane after she is kidnapped is a real hoot. So there was a lot to see when you can't get to sleep.

When it was over I put on an informercial for a Veg-o-matic jucier and was out like a light.

Insomnia theatre has a repeat performance.

We are really exhausted after putting up the Christmas decorations, playing Santa and having a Soul Christmas dance party. So the wife made a special request. She wants to watch Johnny Guitar again so she can go right to sleep.

It's better than ambien for her.

Home Shopping on Insomnia Theatre

Last night after we closed the store we went to the brick oven pizza joint at Hanleys to have a quick pizza and some wine. There was a bunch of women there sharing a table who were very loud and boisterous and make it a real Brooklyn crowd. They were neighborhood girls who were cursing up a storm. They were in their 30's and 40's and probably had a bunch of kids at home but it was girls night out and they were doing jaeger shots. It got messy.

Anyway for desert I had a Peroni and a shot of Jameson. Peroni is a light Italian beer which is my usual choice when I am drinking a light larger. The Jameson was oh so smooth and tasty.

When we got home we were so exhausted that we went to sleep without turning on the TV. Of course my wife couldn't sleep so about five she woke me up to turn on the TV so the droning sounds would put her to sleep. I left it on home shopping because at that time of the morning almost everything is an infomercial anyway. They had a two hour block of Boise products like headphones and radios and such.

It was better than a sleeping pill.

Johnny Guitar was on the Western Channel last night.

Johnny Guitar was on the Western Channel last night. A perfect pick for insomnia theatre. Of course my wife had never seen it and I turned it on and was watching it as she got ready for bed. Now it always takes women a long time to get ready to go to sleep. You know putting on moisturizers and various nostrums and such like. So I usually pop something on the TV and when she lays down we decide what we want to watch. Usually she protests a western but almost every time she starts to watch one she get sucked into it. Anyway she starts to watch the scene where Joan Crawford is in the white dress playing the piano when the posse burst in to her saloon. She starts questioning me "Is this a horror movie. You know I can't watch a horror movie right before we go to sleep." You see she only recognizes Joan Crawford from her work in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. I tell her no, it is one of my top ten Westerns. So we proceed to watch it. It works like a charm. Puts her to sleep in ten minutes.

Homicide Life on the Streets don't know dick about computers.

Last nights episode of Homicide Life on the Street was very weird. It was about this guy that was murdering women on the internet with a web cam. So all these detectives are working with computers and it was so long ago that there wasn't even real blogs. Baylis the psycho guy had his own website but emails and user names and isp was all a big mystery and revelation to these mooks. Hey don't get me wrong, it was fine to spend 45 minutes in insomnia theatre but you had to laugh your ass off at it.

Homicide Life on the Streets.

Lately we have been watching a lot of Sleuth TV on insomnia theatre. What we do is record the night before and replay it without commercials. Homicide Life on the Streets was the precursor to Wire made by some of the same people. It is very enjoyable if a trifle dated.

We are also taping marathon sessions of Cold Case with that greasy girl off of TBS. I always liked that show but we never taped it for some reason or ever watched it live. So we are catching up on it. It is very formulaic but still enjoyable. Especially the music in some of the episodes. They had the Saw Doctors and Tears for Fears in one last week. That takes you back ya know.

Commercials tell you a lot about the show you are watching

Did you ever notice how commercials tell you a lot about the show you are watching.

Wait a second I sound like fucking Andy Rooney. Shit.

Well anyway the commercials always fit the show. Football has beer and burgers and cars.
Lifetime has feminine products and beauty stuff. The old school places like TV land has the yogurt that makes you shit. The Comedy channel has Girls Gone Wild Videos and chat lines for horny guys whacking it in front of the TV. As does the E channel when the Girls next store is on.

But late night has seen a whole bevy of debt consolidation, and IRS problem solvers and corporate rescue companies on almost every show that airs after midnight. I guess they feel if you can't sleep you have money problems. It's very funny. Or maybe not. I don't know.

I am lost without good TV

A whole bunch of the shows I have been enjoying on TV have either ended their run or have put on hiatus. The Shield, Sons of Anarchy, Life on Mars and Entourage are all over for the season or at least until January.There isn't much of anything cool to watch late night on insomnia theatre. Last night we couldn't sleep because we were bloated from Thanksgiving and had to get up early to open the store for the sale. So we were forced to watch some old Homicide Life on the Street that we taped from the Sleuth channel. They were a little dated but fun none the less. I guess we will only watch old stuff.

She’s A Maniac, Yes A Maniac it’s True.

Well we had a tough one for insomnia theatre last night. I was running down the dial and we come upon VHI which had Flashdance on and the wife wanted to watch it. It had been a long time since I had seen it so we left it on. Leg warmers, ripped sweatshirts hanging off one shoulder, impossibly skinny dancers bouncing off the walls.

The problem with watching an old movie is always your frame of reference. Now if you watching a drawing room comedy from the thirties or even a screwball comedy it seems cool. But when it is a movie set in the time you were actually around you have a whole different perspective.

Some of the jarring moments revolved around smoking again. The guys in the factory were all smoking will they were welding and stuff. That can’t be right. And in the big scene at the end of the movie where she is being evaluated by the committed of hoity toity dance people, one of the women on the board is smoking a cigarette and a guy is smoking a cigar. I mean really what a difference in our world eh?

The other really weird thing is the whole premise of the dance/strip club. I mean she dances in a bikini and all these guys are there getting drunk and clapping. What the fuck? I spent a lot of times in strip clubs in the eighties and it was nothing like that at all. If they didn’t get naked within about a minute of hitting the stage they would start throwing chairs. I remember when the internet first came out a friend of mine was a big computer expert. So we started a company and pitched a porno web site to this new strip club called Flashdancers who stole their name from the movie. My buddy did a lot of work and it was going good until we hit a sticking point. We were going to charge for readers to see naked pictures of the dancers but we got in a big beef as to the split between the club and the web masters. Words were exchanged. Scary words. So we went out of the internet porn business right quick. So seeing girls dancing in bikini’s in a movie called Flashdancers made me chuckle.

Just not fall asleep.