Friday, July 31, 2009

Laura Bush's Diary,


So when I came home tonight after bowling I heard W laughing his ass off in the TV room and I had to go and investigate. He is having entirely too much fun laughing at Barry O’s press conferences and I didn’t want him to bust a gut laughing. I mean weak guts kind of run in his family because his mom ripped up hers the first time she saw Poppy Bush naked but that’s another story.

Anyhoo I asked W what was so funny this time and he told me about the photo op that Barry had with that crazed Harvard professor and the pig from Boston. I call him a pig because that is what we always called the cops in the sixties. I mean I don’t mean anything by it because it is just a slang term. Like whore which is what I call W’s mom. But that also is another story.

So I ask W why he thinks this is so funny. I mean it is just a lame attempt to stop the bleeding from when old Barry shot his mouth off about the situation where he called the cops “stupid.” And W tells me “It’s not that Laura. It’s just that Barry is such a God dammed wimp. I mean one beer. What a pussy. They didn’t even do shots. What kind of meeting is that? Remember when we had a drinking date at the White House.” “I thought we promised not to talk about that George” I said. “I know, I know but still it is damn funny.” “I guess it is but that is something that is best kept in the past.”

You see George was referring to something long in the past. Before he was President. Shitfire before his daddy was President. It was when the Gipper was President and he was having all that grief with the Rooosians. Old Gorbachev was coming over for a meeting and Ronnie had a big problem. You see Gorby was a big time boozer like those Russkies. I mean everybody talked about Yeltsin but that only came out because they lost control of the press but all of them Roosians loved to booze it up. Now President Reagan couldn’t drink at all because he was too old and plus he never really liked the stuff. You see his old man was a drunk so he never got in the habit. And Poppy Bush was a light weight. I mean give him a glass of sherry and he is out like a light. That’s how old pop-eyed Barb could sneak all those midget wrestlers into the White House. So they turned to the only real drinker in the administration. W.

You see W was still drinking then and he could really hold his booze. So President Reagan deputized him to drink with Gorby in a private meeting that we held up in the family quarters of the White House. It was just Gorby and Rasia and W and me. Ronnie came in and spoke with them for a while but then he left with his speechwriter Peggy Noonan. He had to go over his talking points which was really just euphuism because he spent the time spanking her ass with his cordovan loafers. I mean poor Ronnie couldn't get it up anymore but he still liked his fun. But that as they say is another story.

So we start drinking and we proceeded to get sloshed at light speed. I mean there was vodka of course and some port and cigars and then I introduced them to the old Texas tradition of tequila shooters. Well those Rooskies took to that like a duck to water. They were knocking back those shots like there was no tomorrow. Now you found out a lot about someone when they are drunk. Not only were they big drinkers but you know what, they were swingers! I was shocked when Rasia first raised the possibility but I was kinda intrigued. I mean I have been around the block but I was never with a furineer. Well if you don’t count Mexicans. And let me tell you Gorby was a real Fur-in-eer. He was one hairy dude. We were all tangled up on the couch petting and kissing and squeezing and licking until I couldn’t take it anymore. I got off the couch and shouted “Mr. Gorbachev tear down these pants.” Just as I said that don’t you know that skank Peggy Noonan came in the room in a camisole and a ball gag. Things just deteriorated from there. All in all it had to be one of wildest sexual orgies that ever occurred in the Oval Office. Except of course when Bill Clinton sat in there by himself.

Anyway we managed to use the photos that the CIA took to blackmail Gorby into loosening the reigns of government and the next thing you know the Soviet Union collapsed quicker than slick Willie when he sees Hillary naked. Oh and that bitch Noonan stole my line. But at least it all worked out in the end. And that is the way you throw a party.

I considered it a “teachable moment.” Heh.

Hey There It's Yogi Bear!


Yogi raised a stink about his arrest because he termed it a “Clear case of ursine profiling.” Just because 99% of the pic-a-nic basket related crimes were committed by bears is no reason to assume that he was involved despite the fact that several looted pic-a-nic baskets were found outside his door. His loud and boisterous protest was seen by Ranger Smith as an attempt to rile up the other forest dwellers and he took the raving bear into custody before the situation got out of hand. Yogi protested that he was only arrested because he was a bear of color and that they would never have done that if he were a polar bear since they are always getting a break and are defended by the likes of Al Gore when all they do is eat salmon, seals and the occasional Canadian. He did not take into account that there is indeed a surplus of Canadians although most people feel bad about the seals.

(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

I would rather have some Bacon


"Excuse me Chief but can I help you carry those cookies."

"No thank you Lt. Provenza. I can handle it myself."

"That's a lot of sweets Chief are you sure you want to get such a sugar high."

"Oh it's ok. I love sweets. But you know what I would really like?"

"What's that Chief?"

"A little Bacon."

Hey There It's Yogi Bear


Yogi had a hard time adjusted to civilian life after his show was canceled. He arrogantly assumed that he should be treated as a celebrity even as the memory of his accomplishments had receded into the distant past. The final rupture occurred when he was arrested by Ranger Smith for stealing pic-a-nic baskets from visitors to Jellystone Park. Yogi insisted that this was simply ursine profiling because he was a bear of color and the fact that several different empty baskets were found outside of his cave had no relevance to this matter at all. Yogi was arrested and brought down to the Ranger station in handcuffs for disturbing the peace but the charges were later dropped.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Lady you stink!


New York Post Weird But True

July 31, 2009


Lady, you stink.


Nearly 150 people became ill at a Texas call center because a colleague's perfume was so overpowering.


Paramedics had to rush 34 people to the hospital after they suffered dizziness and shortness of breath at the Bank of America facility in Fort Worth.


Investigators said they did not know what kind of perfume the woman was wearing.


The Fort Worth police department called in the foremost perfume expert in North America from his stately manor in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn to determine what caused this dilemma.


"It is hard to pinpoint exactly why this occurred" said the reclusive expert in the olfactory senses. "It might just be because she was woman. As you know woman are stinky and icky so that would be reason enough to induce nausea."

There's no place like home.


New York Post Weird But True

July 31, 2009

The gnomes have a home.


After an elderly woman with a collection of 1,500 garden gnomes died in Australia, it took the intervention of the Australian Gnome Convention to make sure they didn't end up in a landfill.


The group's "gnome master," David Cook, was able to find foster homes for the little guys all around the country.


In a related story, Robert Cook the brother of David Cook had managed to find a home for an extensive collection of trolls with an eccentric woman who enjoys their admiration. They took residence after it was determined that Solar Panels had been installed and a hot and moist environment was assured.

"Why are you sitting so far away Selina?'
"I am pensive Trey. It takes so long for you to visit me. Why do you stay away?"
"Well I have a life outside of these walls. A family. Other people who need me. Just as you should someday when your outlook changes."
"Yes well I can't think of that. Do you know what I am thinking of Trey?"
"No what is that Selina?"
"It is so warm in here. But I am a cat so I don't really perspire. Except I have this one bead of sweat. It is on my inner thigh. I can feel it there. And if I raise my leg like this it runs down and around and across my lions to my other leg. That is what I am thinking about. What are you thinking about?"
"Hamana-hamana-hamana-urrghp!"
"What's the matter you seem so flustered...Cat got your tongue?"

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tyler Perry's White House of Pain,


Madea: Marian, Marian where you at? I can’t find my push up bra did you borrow it again?
Marian Robinson (Michelle’s mom) No Madea you know I don’t wear a 48G. Ain’t nobody wear a 48G cepting you and one of those strippers that Bill Clinton used to invite to the White House.
Madea: Well help me look, I have to get ready. I got to look good.
Marian Robinson: Why?
Madea: Well I have to go meet that nice college Professor your fool son-in-law invited for a beer. You know the one that got in trouble with the po-po.
Marian Robinson: I don’t think you will be invited to that Madea, it is just a photo opportunity to shut up the rubes.
Madea: Watch you mean? That moron Biden is going. If they invite that half a retard I am sure I can sit in. Michelle get your ass in here.
Michelle Obama: (rushes into the room) What’s all this racket? You know it doesn’t look good if we don’t maintain our diginity Auntie Madea. You should be a little less bostierous.
Madea: Don’t you be sassing me girl I changed your diapers. And shitty ass diapers they was too. Even then you had a big ass. Excepting now you went an married an even bigger ass so nows you gots two.
Michelle Obama: Now Auntie that’s not nice. I don’t want to hear it.
Madea: You damn straight gonna hear it. Now I want to go down to meet with the Professor and that cracker po-po from Boston. I hear that Professor is one fine piece of chocolate and I am in the mood for some fun.
Michelle: Why you don’t want to go to that meeting Auntie.
Madea: Why not?
Michelle Obama: They will be having a beer and I know you hate beer.
Madea: Well when you right, you right. Tell you what. When the photos is all over you invite the Professor up here. I have a nice bottle of Hennesy and some Alizé. We can have us our own little party. Right Marian?
Marian Robinson: You know that sounds good Madea. We haven’t partied like that since that time Ray Charles played the Paramount in 1963.
Madea: Damn straight. Let’s party!

What is your favorite Police Investigation show?






When you get a call that a college professor and a limo driver are breaking into your house who do you want to call to investigate. The choices:

Law and Order SVU (The sex crimes one)

CSI (The Vegas one)

NCIS (The Navy one with nobody wearing a uniform)

The Mentalist (with the con artist guy)

The Closer (with the supply sgt from MASH)

I tried to make this a little classy so more of you will participate.

You really hate your heathers!


In the least popular poll ever in a late surge Heather Graham nipped out a victory.
The final results:

Heather Graham 9
Heather Thomas 8
Heather Locklear 6
Heather Martarazzo 1
Heather Mills (not a leg to stand on) 0

So that sucked. The least amount of votes ever. So what do we do?

Why ask what is your favorite police procedural show?

Diamonds are a girls best friend, the next generation.


(Yankee batting practice, Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter just steps out of the batting cage)
Jorge Posada: Hey Jeter come over here.
Derek Jeter: What’s up dawg?
Jorge Posada: There’s somebody I want you to meet. It’s Senator George Mitchell. He came to apologize to us.
Derek Jeter: Nice to meet you Senator but I don’t know why you have to appolgize.
Senator George Mitchell: Well Derek you see when I issued my report on steroids I kind of concerntrated on the Yankees and didn’t let anybody know that the Red Sox were big time juicers as well. So you guys got all the guff and the Sox skated.
Derek Jeter: That’s OK Senator. Everybody knew that Manny and Big Papi were juicers. I mean just look at Papi now he can’t buy a hit since he is off the stuff.
Senator George Mitchell: It’s just that it wasn’t fair to A-Rod because he had to take all the heat this spring. I mean I didn’t have to give up the Red Sox guys but I could have made a statement to make his life a little easier.
Derek Jeter: Trust me Senator nothing you do is gonna help that putz.
(A-Rod comes running out of the dugout)
Derek Jeter: Hey Alex there is somebody who wants to meet you.
A-Rod: Fuck off Jeter I have to get my running in. That puta Kate Hudson is beating me down and I got to get my work in and I don’t want to meet your fuckin accountant.
Jorge Posada: (under his breath) what an asshole… (In a normal voice) Ah don’t pay attention to him Senator. He is feeling poorly. You see Kate Hudson keeps forcing him to do three ways with her mother Goldie and he has to do a shit pot full of Viagra to get it up for that disgusting piece of shit. And her mother. I guess Viagra isn’t on the banned substance list yet right?
Derek Jeter: Sorry about that asshole Senator. I hope you don’t hold it against the Yankees?
Senator George Mitchell: Don’t worry Derek I don’t think anybody holds what A-Rod does against you. I know he isn’t a True Yankee. But I think I do owe you guys one so let me know if I can ever do something for you.
Derek Jeter: Well there is one thing.
Senator George Mitchell: What’s that?
Derek Jeter: I need to refinance my mortgage on the place down in Tampa. Can you hook me up?
Senator George Mitchell: That would be Senator Chris Dodd’s area of expertise. I will give him a call. Maybe he can squeeze you in before he gets indicted.
Derek Jeter: Cool Senator. You’re a real stand up guy. Com’on let me take you into the dugout. We can give Steinbrenner a hot foot. He’s so out of it we can sneak up on him.
Senator George Mitchell: Great I used to do that to Strom Thurmand all the time.

Its all there in black and white


"Why must I stay in this facility Trey? I am an old lady now. What can I do?"
"You know that is the terms of you incarceration Selina. No prison but intensive therapy. It is what you agreed to in your plea bargain."
"That might be so but this is so tiresome. I might need some physical therapy. Might you be able to help Trey. Maybe some intrusive therapy..... I feel so limber....I need a good stretch....some exhausting physical activity will be just what the doctor order... Oh I must stretch out the kinks...can you help me with my kinks Trey....Trey....Trey?"
"hemina-hemina-hemina.-upprh!'
"Why Trey, you seem almost cat-a-tonic."

I knew it.


Manny and Big Daddy Juiced it when the upset the Yankees and Baseball Covered it Up
New York Post July 30, 2009
A published report says David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez each tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003 when they were starring for the Red Sox.
The New York Times Web site today reports the duo "were among the roughly 100 Major League Baseball players to test positive ..., according to lawyers with knowledge of the results."
The Red Sox sluggers led their team to the 2004 World Championship, Boston's first title since 1918.
Ramirez, now with the Dodgers, served a 50-game suspension this season based on the results of a 2009 test.
Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds also reportedly are names on that 2003 list, according to the Times. It was the first year baseball tested for performance-ehnancing drugs and results were supposed to remain anonymous.
Rodriguez, the Yankees third baseman, in February admitted to taking a substance called "boli" while with the Rangers.
The Times reports, "The information about Ramirez and Ortiz emerged through interviews with multiple lawyers and others connected to the pending litigation. The lawyers spoke anonymously because the testing information is under seal by a court order. The lawyers did not identify which drugs were detected."
Though speculation has surrounded Ortiz for some time, especially after he entered this June with a .185 batting average, this is the first time he has been linked to a positive test result.
The Red Sox of that era as a whole were not prominent in the steroids scandal that has tainted baseball since the 1998 season.
No star players from the Red Sox 2004 and 2007 championship teams were named in the Mitchell Report on drug use in baseball, conducted by former Sen. George Mitchell, a director in the Red Sox front office.


When the Yankees were up 3-0 in that series and a Boston Fan told me they were going to come back and win the World series I said to him "You must be on drugs."

I just had the wrong guy.

Nice of Mitchell to cover up the Red Sox involvement as we know he did. A-Rod took the heat first in spring training and now the rest of the story is dribbling out. What a bunch of bullshit.

Watch your mouth!


GATES FLAP NAILS BEEP AIDE
OUSTED OVER WEB JABS AT PROF & 'O-DUMB-A'

By LACHLAN CARTWRIGHT and JENNIFER FERMINO
New York Post July 29, 2009

An aide to Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer has resigned under pressure after she labeled Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. a "racist" and dubbed President Obama "O-dumb-a" in a Facebook rant defending racial profiling.
"I get it -- white men have dominated for hundreds of years and there's a lot of anger there. But HOW MUCH MORE can the white people do to correct past injustices of their ancestors?" wrote Lee Landor, 24, who had worked as deputy press secretary for Stringer
"If Mr. Big Shot Harvard would have kept his mouth shut, shown his ID and not started yelling at a police officer, he never would have been arrested. So please, its time to get over this 'It's because I'm black' bull- - - -" she added.
Landor resigned from the $45,758-a-year job Monday after being told "jump or be pushed," according to a source.
"Ms. Landor's comments were totally inappropriate and in direct contradiction to the views of the borough president," said a Stringer spokesman.
The Queens woman posted the politically and racially charged comments online Friday while at work.
By yesterday, she had removed her Facebook profile, but City Hall News, a political magazine that broke the story, posted images of the pages on its Web site.
"You know what, I am really getting SICK of hearing about how white people are evil racists," she wrote at 11:43 a.m. Friday.
At one point, she rants about the president: "O-dumb-a, the situation got out of hand because Gates is a racist, not because the officer was DOING HIS JOB!"
Cambridge, Mass., cops on July 16 arrested Gates for disorderly conduct in his home after responding to a 911 call about a possible break-in.
Sgt. James Crowley said Gates was being "uncooperative," but Obama said the Harvard academic, who is black, should not have been cuffed and police acted "stupidly."
Landor wrote, "Racial profiling does exist, but for good reason. Take a look at this country's jails: who makes up the majority of inmates? Exactly."
In a statement she released last night, Landor insisted, "I am not a racist." She defended her Facebook entries, saying, "It is understandable that a black man encountering police will be suspicious of racial profiling, based on the long history of racism in this country.
"Nevertheless, it appeared to me that Professor Gates acted toward Sgt. Crowley based on his own prejudice, stereotyping a white policeman to be a racist."

In a related story a Cambridge Policeman was suspended with a review for termination over an email he had posted containing some language deemed racist by his superiors and will now most likely lose his job.


You have to be really careful what you say these days. The First Amendment seems to be dead and buried.

That is why we will be focusing on the Catwoman and deviant cartoon sex.

Oh and fashion. There if you make a mistake about color the worst that can happen is you look silly.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Holy crap Scott Baio shops at Korvettes!

I had that stereo.

For Trey

Hey I used to love Kovettes.

It was started by Eight Korean War Veterans you know.

I used to get all my eight tracks there.

Its all there in black and white.


"Have you followed my career in crime Trey? I was quite the felonious feline."
"Yes I remember first seeing you in your leather cat suit on the Night Owl edition of the Gotham City News. Later I would follow you on WPIX on the Action News when I was a boy. I never missed a Korvettes commercial. You had quite the influence on me."
"Why you dirty little boy. Did I come to visit you in the night?"
"Well after all cats are creatures of the night. So it would be only natural."
"Yes I can see that I might have made an appearance in your dreams. Don't be shy. Many men of your generation have the same story to tell. But now I am here in the fur and the flesh."
"Indeed you are Selina."
"Don't call me that. I am the Catwoman."

"More to Love, Just stupid crap."

So let me tell you, “More to Love” leaves a lot be desired. Like a reasonable show that treats plus woman like human beings instead of a novelty act.

Now this mess starts off on the wrong foot from the minute these girls walk in. They introduce each woman with her age, hometown, profession and her weight. That’s right her fucking weight. I mean when they bring the dumb model bimbos in the other Bachelor shoes they don’t list their fucking IQ. “Tiffany from Santa Barbara is a bartender and Pilates instructor with an IQ approaching that of a common house plant. She is in the process of obtaining her GED which she will get when she learns how to spell GED.”

So this smarmy guy greats each of the girls and gives them a promise ring and they mingle in the uncomfortable way you remember from high school dances when you were a freshman. Most of the girls are giggly and shy as they try to stand out from the crowd. One of them jumps in the pool with all her clothes on which gets her picked for the final fifteen since she was one of the few that did something interesting. You see they started with twenty and he had to cut five right off the bat. Which really is bullshit? How could you realitisticly know after talking with someone for five minutes? I guess this was the speed dating round.

You have to pretty much be a psycho to be on any of these reality shows. I mean have you checked out the “Real Housewife’s?” But it takes a real loony tune to go on a dating show. Especially as a plus sized girl. Now there are a lot of these fat shows recently. It is sort of a mini trend. There is “Dance your ass off” with plus girls being mocked in dance routines like “Do you think you can dance.” Then there is “Drop Dead Diva” where a skinny model is transported and takes over the body of a plus sized lawyer. They share two things. Plus sized woman and a total misunderstanding of what these woman are like. Most of the time. These shows have to be written by skinny bitches.

I am sure there are plenty of weepy messes like the ones in “More to Love” but there are lot of a woman, I think a majority who are simply wives and mothers and sisters and normal people living normal lives. The problem with this show is that you can see how troubled some of these girls are and how fragile. Somehow being publicly dumped on National TV is not something I would recommend. Like most reality show contestants they are a couple of fries short of a happy meal. So this is not going to be pretty.

The insufferable douche who is the “Bachelor” quickly eliminated five women. Now one of them was this Morticia Adams bitch from New York who wandered in from “Scare Tactics.” Another was a sweet girl from the South who seemed very nice. But the real surprise is that he eliminated this girl that was a rocket scientist. Yes an actual rocket scientist who seemed very intelligent, personable and normal. You can see that this douche would not want to meet someone who could be his peer. He wants to bask in the admiration of a harem of giggling sycophants since he seems to think he is God’s gift to woman. What a douche. It is going to be hard to watch this each week, but we have to because the wife is blogging about at NBC’s site called “Never Say Diet.”

The things we do for love!

It's all there in black and white.


"I don't think I can have you as my therapist Trey."
"Why not Selina, I think I might be able to help?"
"Well you see you remind me of someone very dear to me. It would be too confusing."
"Yes I can see that."
"Your deep voice, your calm reassuring manner. Even your habit of smoking cigars."
"You were very close weren't you?"
"Yes we were. I remember when I was just a young kitten. I would run to him to tell him about my day. I would climb up into his lap as he sat on his recliner wrapped in a fur robe very reminiscent of that one. He would stroke my hair and murmur reassuring words and he made me very very safe. It would seem that he would always have a cigar in his pocket."
"Sometimes Selina a cigar is just a cigar."
"Yes except when it isn't."

Are you a member of the United Federation of Planets Plan or do you have Medicaid. I don't accept Medicaid.

"So do you have your health insurance card. Ever since the health care reforms in 2009 you have to have the government plan. If you don't I am afraid we will have to terminate your existence and sell you off for parts."
"But doctor how can you do such a thing."
"Damn it ensign. I am a doctor not a lawyer. Take it up with legal. Or your Representative. Who is your Senator. Senator Byrd isn't it. You're from West Virgina like me. Now either show me your government health insurance or I will have to put you on report."

Hey baby, I got your Macho Response right here.

"Hey Adrienne what's up girl. You look different in person but you still fine girl!"
"Thank you Mr......."
"Yo baby I'm the Crack MC and I am here to give you the macho response."
"Well that's some big talk there fella."
"Don't worry baby I can back it up. Now can you sign my swamp thing action figure. I have to get back to the Buffy the Vampire line. Willow be digging some Crack MC if you know what I mean."

I hate these wet t-shirt contests.


"I hate these wet t-shirt contests."
"Me too. Joan Blondell always wins that slut."
"Well that's not fair, she looks great in a wet t-shirt."
"That's not why she wins. She cheats."
"OH CRAP THEY ARE GOING TO THROW ANOTHER BUCKET OF WATER!!!!"

It's all there in black and white

"Life has become so dull. It doesn't have the same feeling now that I am retired. I used to live in color and now it seems that I live in black and white."
"Well my dear let me brighten it up for you. I would be most pleased to be of service. My life as a therapist has taught me certain techniques that would be useful."
"Well that's sweet Trey. I see that you are fond of fur. Let me ask you this, what do you think of Oscar Gamble."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Wait a minute you call yourself the Boy Wonder! WTF!

Catwoman: And you call yourself the "Boy Wonder." Here I have bunch of henchwoman in tight leopard tops and stretch pants and you can't even raise a twig. What's up with that.
Batman: He is a pure and decent young man you evil wench. Back away and leave him alone.
Robin: Holy rare clumbers Batman! Will we ever escape the clutches of his felonious feline?

Yes Catwoman


Catwoman: It is useless of you to resist Batman. You are in my clutches. Meeeoooowww!!!
Batman: Why are you staring at my utility belt.
Catwoman: I am not staring at your utility belt. But what is that tiny bump you have there? Please tell me you got a mosquito bite.

Say Yes to the Dress

Hey have you ever seen this show "Say Yes to The Dress?" It is all about Klienfelds which is the big wedding dress store that used to be in Brooklyn but moved to Manhattan. I hope all of the brides who are planning to get married soon will watch it. It shows a lot of the pitfalls that people fall into like listening to their friends and family instead of buying what they want.

This is how I imagine a certain fall wedding will look. Heh.

Hey Loafing Oaf just posted his tribute to Sarah Palin.


That boy just ain't right.

More to Love


Well this plus size dating show called "More to Love" will be premiering on Fox tonight at 9pm.

The wife will be blogging about it on Never Say Diet and I am sure she will have a lot to say.


The reviews I have read have not been good but I am willing to give it a chance. Let's see if it is an honest attempt at showing women and how they react or is it typical reality show bullshit.

Pushing over the borderline!

Something in the way you love me wont let me be
I dont want to be your prisoner so baby wont you set me free
Stop playing with my heart
Finish what you start
When you make my love come down
If you want me let me know
Baby let it show
Honey dont you fool around
Just try to understand,

Ive given all I can,
cause you got the best of me

Borderline feels like Im going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

Heather has been crying!


She's upset that nobody wants to vote for her. Poor kid.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Don't you know who I am.


The Mets really suck.


They are basically a laughingstock and a disgrace to the game. Not because they choked the last couple of years. Any team can choke it up. The Yankees had one of the memorable choke jobs of all time against the Red Sox. But everything the Mets do is bush league.


They opened up their new Stadium at the same time as the Yankees. And the Mets made their new Citifield a monument to the glory and the history of a baseball team. The Brooklyn Dodgers. Not the Mets. You almost couldn't tell what freakin team played there. What a bunch of maroons.


Now there is a big controversy over this front office guy Tony Bernazard who is a bit of a loose cannon. There have been a steady drumbeat of accusations against this guy as everyone who hates him has been going to the press to spill the beans. Now Tony is one of these "wise Latino" guys who puts everything on a racial basis. Carlos Delgado said that Tony tried to recruit him to the Mets by telling him the Latin guys had to stick together. When Omar Minaya came in as the general manager, Tony was his hachetman. They dumped a lot of the white and black players and really concentrated on bringing Latin guys to team. Now don't get me wrong, every team has a strong latin contingent because those are the guys who play baseball. White guys concentrate on pitching and black guys have given up on the game in favor of football and basketball. So every team has what can seem like a Latin majority. It just got to be such an issue that it was all over the paper and the racist Mets fans were calling up sports radio to complain.

The joke was that METS stood for: My Entire Team's Spanish. So that was the background of the bullshit that has been going around.


Now besides being a racist Tony was your garden variety asshole. There was a big story that he ripped off his shirt like the incredible Hulk and challenged some minor leaguers to a fight. Now I don't see what the big deal about that was. I mean if when Billy Martin was managing the Yankees we had a name for that: it was called Tuesday. But this country has become such a bunch of pussies that you can't challenge a bunch of pussies to work or you will kick their ass. What is this country coming too? So all your liberal pussies are crying and saying the guy has to be punished and he is creating a hostile work environment and all this crap. The Mets brass didn't have the balls to tell them to fuck off but started an investigation. Then they started to Sarah Palin the guy.


Every asshole who ever had a beef with this jamoke came out of the word work. There was a clubhouse attendant who told a front page story Sunday how Bernazard walked into a minor league clubhouse and when the attendant asked for identification he refused to answer. I guess he though he was a Harvard professor or something. So the guy sees he has this big key ring and assumes he is the bus driver and he asks him "Hey are you the bus driver." And old Tony goes batshit insane "Why just because I am Latino I have to be the bus driver. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"


Now the proper response to that is "You're the guy who is gonna get a kick in the balls if you don't stop screaming like an asshole." But it was just another thing for the pussies in the media to use to knock the guy out of a job. I mean if this is one of your guys you just have to tell the pussies in the press to fuck off. You don't throw one of your boys to the wolves. Or under the bus. Not if you want anybody to respect you. (I'm looking at you Barry).


Now the general manager just had a press conference to fire Tough Tony. But he stepped in the shit. He said he discounted the story because they came from a reporter in Daily News who had been lobbing for a job with the team. So the shit hit the fan. The reporters went crazy saying you are impugning the guys integrity and all this shit. You got to be kidding me. The only thing worse than a journalist is a lawyer. I remember when Dick Young the most powerful sportswriter in America got his son-in-law a job with a ball team and used his column to help the kid get a head in the company. Of course that was the Mets under M Donald Grant so what else is new.


The Mets don't have a clue. The idiots who hate the Yankees love to make fun of the Steinbrenners and what George used to do. Well he has a bushel full of championships to show for it. And what do your Metsies have. Uh gatz.


All in all it is a pretty good time to be a Yankee fan.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I thought Marriage was the reason?

Just sayn'

Rheingold the Dry beer when you are having more the one!

For you loser Met Fans.

Old Schlitz Commercial

And man it did taste like Schlitz

Remembrance of Things Pabst

Rockafeller with all his money can't live the life of Rielly.

You can say whatever you want ,just say it walking. Except that!



So yesterday I am working in the back keeping an eye on the TV screen for the cameras that show what’s going on in the shop. And this sweaty homeless guy comes in with his T-shirt all ripped down the middle. Now I jump up to rush outside to deal with it but my worker happened to be sitting on the steps counting some inventory so there was a delay in me getting to the front of the store. Meantime this guy is spouting off his sad story. It seems he was trying to get together some money so he could get a bus ticket to get home to Philadelphia and nobody would help him out. And his complaining about how New York sucks and that no one would give him a break. Now my question is why I owe him a break. Nobody ever gives me a break. I have to bust my ass to make a dollar working seven days a week.

Now this guy’s story was bullshit in several different ways. First of all if he was trying to get the Philly what the hell is he doing in Brooklyn? You can’t get there from here. There is no bus or train or airplane in Brooklyn that will connect with Philly. You have to go to Manhattan to get to the Port Authority So basically all he was doing was begging. I mean its bad enough when panhandlers accost you on the subway or on the street but to come into a ladies clothing store to panhandle. I mean enough is enough.

So I finally get up the steps and up in the guys face and tell him “Yeah pal that’s all very interesting but I got nothing for you and you have to leave the store.” As I am ushering him out he throws out his parting shot “You know maybe that’s why this city has a big hole in the ground because of the way you treat people, The truth hurts don’t it?” as the door hits him in the ass. But then I had a new problem.

You see my wife was gonna kill him. I had to hold her back because we knew too many people who died to listen to that shit.

Remembrance of things Pabst


So we have this favorite Thai restaurant called Nine D which is on the corner of our block. This is very convient because we love Thai food and go there or get take out a couple of nights a week. Now we love Thai as opposed to Chinese food because all of the ingredients are fresh and there is no MSG. At least the way Nine D does which are miles above all the Ptomaine Palaces we have for Chinese food in the neighborhood.

Now we like sit in the restaurant in the fall and winter but the wife doesn’t like to go there in the summer because they don’t turn on the air conditioner all the time. You see they have these big open windows and on a cool night there is a breeze. But only in the first two tables near the windows. The further back you go in the restaurant the warmer it gets and the wife can’t take warm especially after a long day of work. I mean all the dirty hippie hipster doufous assholes are so dirty and smelly they don’t care how much they sweat so they happily sit in the sweltering seats.

What we usually do is the wife goes home to change and I go and order the take out. I sit at the little bar area and have a beer while I am waiting. Now I almost never call for delivery of take out. Even pizza. I will call and put in an order and then come and pick it up. Only because every single time I ordered something it comes wrong. They forget something or screw something up and you have to call them and they have to come back and it is always a big bullshit story. So I put in the order and wait and when the food comes I ask some questions. “Are the spring rolls in there” “Did you give us peanut sauce” “Did you put in Chop Sticks.” Usually there is something wrong and they fix it.

You see we have become very good friends with the owner and the workers in the shop. They have come to our house for parties and barbeques and stuff. So I always get a big hello and the owner loves to hug and kiss the wife every time we come in to eat. We always get great treatment. The girls in the restaurant love to teach my wife dirty words in Thai. She hates those little mushrooms you get with the caps on that look like little penises. So she was joking with the girls and they told us the dirty word for penis in Thai sounds something like Sequoia. So when we order Chicken with Basil she always says “No Sequoia” and all the girls giggle. And if there are Thai people in the store they look amazed to say the least. We always have a laugh there. In fact sometimes the people at the tables stare at us joking around and laughing with the girls behind the counter. You can almost see the thought balloons over their heads “Who are these people and why are they all having a good time and I am stuck here with a bunch of nerdy people in Che t-shirts.”

Anyway we had a tough day yesterday so after I put in the order I got two beers. Which made them laugh because I told them it was a two fisted drinking day. Amy the owner and chef came out of the back and asked after the wife and what not and then went in the back to oversee the kitchen. I slop down the beers and the food comes and stupidly I don’t go through as I usually do. I just say goodnight and take the paper shopping bag and go home.

Well I take all the stuff out and sure enough they forgot something. No rice. I hate to eat the spicy Thai food with out some rice because the Beef Basil is very spicy and I need the rice to cut the heat. The wife is all “Call up and tell them to bring it …I don’t want you to go out again…the food will get cold.” Now I didn’t want to call because it would take forever and the food would be cold anyway. So I decided to go out and get it since all they had to do is scoop out the rice from the rice cooker and it would take about a minute. But there was one big problem.

You see I had already changed. I had taken off my uniform of a Hawaiian shirt and long khaki pants and boat shoes and was lounging around in gym shorts and a wife beater t-shirt. I figured the only way to punish them properly was to show up in the restaurant in my slippers with my gut hanging out and stray hairs poking out of my shirt and shorts. Think a dissipated Stanley Kowalski channeling George the Animal Steele. The wife was freakin out and said I had to at least put the shirt on so people wouldn’t start puking at the tables. I had to agree she had a good point.

So I walk around the corner and go “He you forgot my rice what’s up with that?” And they do the time honored thing that all employees do. “It’s Amy’s fault, she messed up.” First thing they do is throw the boss under the bus. I had to say I was proud of them.

They are real Americans now.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend


Toot’s Shors Saloon, May 16, 1962(Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last time, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear )
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I divorced Artie. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah I heard about that keed. That’s a shame.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. It’s just that all my old friends have dropped me. Sinatra won’t return my calls. Dean Martin is nice and all but he has no time for me. Even Jack Kennedy won’t let me blow him and he would take a blow job from Helen Thomas for Christ sake and she looks like Fred Flintstone. Why does everyone hate me Joe?
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t think they hate you kid. I guess the craziness is just too much for them. I mean you can only be crazy for so long before people just don’t want to be around you anymore. They move on is all. Plus Frank is banging that little Mia Farrow chick. Dino is married now and Jack…well I don’t know about Jack… I think he is worried about those Chinks over in Vietnam and is having trouble getting it up….at least that’s the rumor.
Marilyn: It that so you shmuck…Jack could always get it up for me….I mean he is fucking Irish so his whole two inches were hard…really hard… he loved screwing me (shrilly screaming flecks of spittle fly from her lips which had her lipstick smeared over her teeth)
Toots: Ok keed, don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you?
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: What nothing to say…well screw you…you guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe, picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe.
Joe DiMaggio: Get me that dumb Mick on the phone. If she want’s his limp Irish dick I will make it happen.
Toots Shor: But Joe what if he doesn’t want to listen to reason. I mean he can schtup any broad he wants ya know. What are you gonna do if he says no?
Joe DiMaggio: Well then I will give Carlos the go ahead. Now do like I tell you.
Toots: You sure Joe?
Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

Tales of Kelly's Garden


Bigwig: Aren't you going to silflay?
Chervil: I already have sir.
Bigwig: Did you silflay in the designated area as per the regulations.
Chervil: Yes sir. I went to designated corner to silflay and then buried it as per Section 29 Subparagraph 8 the proper disposal of Siflay pellets per se.
Blackavar: [Mumbles] You better believe it. He is a little butt boy following all the rules. Not like when were in the crazy ladies garden where you could wherever you wanted and let it lay around and fester…..
[Chervil swipes at him to make him speak up, and he does]
Blackavar: I... I...I can’t take it anymore. This has to stop. Noboby silflay’s like normal rabbits. They can’t just squat and pinch a loaf everywhere and anywhere. It’s not like the old warren. There everyone took a dump whenever and wherever they wanted and that crazy lady never said anything. You could silflay all day and rock and roll all night and nobody cared. The badgers and the trolls and even the gay blue jays just pooped all over the place. It was a free for all. I know Chervil liked that. He hates to clean up after himself. He likes leaving droppings. He thinks people will examine them later and admire them. Even years later.
[Chervil glares]
Bigwig. Well I hope you still don’t believe that Chervil. I have been leading patrols over to the old warren to clean up our mess. We want to leave that garden the way we found it. Strawberry and Floppy Ears and I have cleaned up most of your mess. We are almost finished. Nobody will ever know we were there.
Blackavar: Won’t the lady in the cottage notice? I mean she was always stepping in our silflay and getting it on her shoes. I mean she would laugh sometimes because it was so absurd that there were so many droppings. Won’t she notice?
Chervil: Yes my pellets were particularly memorable. They looked like pearls and didn’t even smell. Everyone admired them.
Bigwig: No she won’t notice. She doesn’t notice much actually. Or if she does notice she won’t understand what is going on. And that’s a good thing.

Meet the Flintstones


Dino became part of the glam-rock movement and started his own band. They put on a lot of makeup and feather boas and leather chaps. He collabarated on several albums. He was an important inspiration to many of the younger generation. In fact that is why the young Marc Bolan named his band T-Rex. He idolized Dino to the point that he would let the randy reptile tea bag him between shows. Dino wrote several seminal songs in the glam rock era. He was the uncredited author of Ride a White Swan and All the Young Dudes which was originally about Dino’s adventures in the loo at Charing Cross Station. T-Rex was one of the most influential bands of the era and started the movement of large arena bands that toured playing the same music since 1968. That’s why it’s called dinosaur rock.
(John Deacon, Behind the Music: the Dino Flintstone story)

9/30/08 3:12 PM

Meet the Flintsones


The original Flintstones broke at about the same time as the Beatles. The stars of the show were blow to the four winds. Wilma got a bit part on the Mary Tyler Moore show as Rhoda’s mother and a dish washing liquid commercial. Betty moved to Rock Vegas to open a brothel. Barney died in a motorcyle crash while high on Meth. And Fred became a professional bowler. The one cast member who had the strangest path was Dino. He was working as a technical advisor on the movie Caveman with Ringo Starr and made friends with Ringo’s wife Barbara Bach who always had a soft spot for gay dinosaurs. She introduced him to a cutting edge group of gay and bi-sexual rockers like David Bowie and Freddie Mecury. They were all very impressed by two things. Dino’s musical talent and his enormous dinosaur cock. But why should that be a surprise. After Bedrock is where Rock lives.
(John Deacon, Behind the Music: the Dino Flintstone story)

The Dinosauers are screwing me!


The atmosphere of sexual depravity that was the Jetsons set eventually affected everyone on the show. George had his disgusting relationship with Judy the girl that played his daughter on the show. Jane enjoyed having the grips and best boy pee on her in her trailer during coffee breaks. Young Elroy turned Rosie the Robot into an anatomically correct sex robot. But as usual the worst was Astro. We shared a lot with the Flintstones who had similar problems with sex, drugs and drinking. Producing cartoon shows on such a schedule led to blowing off a lot of steam. Astro just couldn’t handle the pressure. Even his constant obscene phone calls and filthy letters to the editor were not enough. So he started a homosexual relationship with Dino from the Flintstones. We were forced to endure the sight of his trailer rocking wildly while Astro was being anally penetrated by Dino and screaming “The Dinosaurs, the Dinosaurs are screwing me.”
(Joseph Barbera and William Hanna, The E True Hollywood Story of the Jetsons)

Let's all go to the mall.


This is a photo of a mall in Alabama in the early sixties. It has a weird boutiquey feel to it don't ya think.

We are hoping to open additional stores in other parts of the country if we can get an investor or two. The question is if you want to go into a mall or not. I don't think so because the mall culture will not be right for what we do. I think a stand alone store will be better.

We are going to Moda, Curve and the Accessories show next week to shop for "Transition" and "Fall" because the grind never stops. We will have the same old problem of not being able to get vendors to make stuff because they need a bigger "Cut" before they will even consider making a dress. If we had more stores we could generate a bigger cutting ticket and that would be great and make our life a lot easier. And it would mean our customers would be getting a lot more great clothes. But we will keep plugging away.

Hey it's the new Pink Marble!


Hey it's the new Pink Marble! This is the hottest dress this weekend from Olivia Harper made exclusively for Lee Lee's Valise. It is the LuLu Style and it is sleeveless so we tend to sell it with the Donna Ricco black cardigan that you see merchandised in this photo. Now the black cardigan is a big boon to selling dresses because it is so versatile. The number one thing that women say when they come into the shop is that they want to cover their arms. This snappy little cardigan lets them do that and can be worn with many different dresses so it is a very valuable addition to your closet. I can't keep them in the store.

Also you can see the Triangle bag made of butter soft deerskin which is our hottest bag this summer. It seems almost everybody wants a beautiful bag made out of Bambi's mother.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Laura Bush's Diary


Well the twins and I had just come back home from shopping and we had a whole bunch of packages. You see Barbara is trying to catch a man so Jenna and I were helping her pick out some outfits to help. You see she spends too much times with the books. She is a lot like her daddy in that way, he always has his nose stuck in a book. I can think of a lot of better places for him to stick his nose if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo I came into the den and W was in front of the TV laughing his ass off again. He does that at every Obama press conferance. Every freakin time. It seems that whenever Barry O has a press conference W yuks it up like he is at a Gallagher concert. The only thing different is that Barry would have to bust up a watermelon with a sledgehammer. But I don’t think he buys into that particular stereotype. Barry O is more an arugala kind of guy. Who the hell wants to see you hit arugala with a sledgehammer?

I asked W what he was hooting and hollering about and he told me it was a big joke. It seems old Barry was trying to sell his healthcare bill and he stepped in some shit. He got involved in this pissing match with that loony professor Gates who got the cuffs put on him for mouthing off to a cop up in Boston. Damn that man is a fool. Doesn’t he know they don’t like black folks up in Boston? I mean they vote liberal and all they just don’t want to be around anybody darker than Harry Belafonte.

Barry says the cops are stupid for arresting him and you know the police unions are gonna be all up in his face for that. He needed to blow that question off as being beneath his notice. I mean Iran and North Korea and Afghanistan. Hello.

You just can’t mouth off to the police. They are all on a power trip. You know that they would love to mess up a professor let alone one with a big mouth. But I never have any problems with the police. In fact I was very friendly with one a long time ago. He liked to cuff me but in a good way if you know what I mean.

You see back in the day when I was working the peeps with Robyn Byrd sometimes we would hang out at Sardi’s the famous theatrical bar in Midtown. Robyn wanted to be an actress and she hoped to get discovered there. So we hung out with a lot of other young girls who were aspiring models. There was a young Jane Fonda and Elizabeth Ashley and a young chippie named Joey Heatherton. Man Joey was a lot of fun. And she had a lot of connections. You see her dad was the Merry Mailman on WPIX TV and she would get to go to all these industry parties and stuff. She got a recurring gig on the Perry Como show and was always helping some of the girls get a gig here and there. And she would always invite us along when there was a party or something. You see her dad was a pussy hound of the first water and they had a very weird relationship. She was always sitting in his lap and snuggling him and he would rub her ass and all crazy stuff like that. It kind of made me uncomfortable.

Anyway one day Joey comes into Sardi’s and invites us to this big party at WPIX. All the stars of New York TV were going to be there. Sandy from Wonderama, Soupy Sales, Chuck Mc Cann and all his freaky puppets. And Officer Joe. Yes Officer Joe Bolton.

You see I had a big crush on Officer Joe. I would turn on the TV at about four o’clock in the afternoon when I would wake up and his show would come on where he would show the Three Stooges. Man I love the Stooges. They could always make me laugh no matter how shitty a night I had the night before. Officer Joe would stand there tall and strong and run his big hands up and down his baton as he introduced each clip in his deep manly voice. What a man.

Anyway we start having a few drinks and some canapes and what not and we decide to do some bar hopping and bouncing around Times Square. We had pretzels at a stand and hot dogs at Nedicks and squeezed into one of those cheap photo booths to take a bunch of pictures. We hit all the joints. Lindys. Sardi’s. McHales. Even Jimmy’s Corner where all the boxing guys hung out. Finally we end up at the Merry Mailman’s Suite at the Iroquois hotel. There was me, Robyn, Joey and Anita Gillette. The Merry Mailman was there and Chuck McCann with all those fucking puppets. There was this Jewish producer guy we found somewhere along the way. Oh and Bozo the Clown.

Well we started knocking back the drinks and one thing lead to another. Joey went into one room with Chuck McCann. Later she told us he tried to molest her with a puppet. The freak. Robyn went in the other room with the Merry Mailman and Anita Gillette. And I was left on the couch with Officer Joe and Bozo. The Jewish guy had fallen asleep. So Bozo and I started some light petting and then he started to get really frisky. He had me pull his finger. Only it wasn’t really his finger. I was incensed. I slapped his face. He looked like he was really mad. I mean his face got beet red and he grabbed me around the neck and started to choke me. But Officer Joe stepped in. He took his baton and bopped that clown upside his frizzy orange haired head. You could almost see the stars floating above his noggin as he fell to the floor. I ran to Officer Joe’s arms. I won’t say anymore. Just that Officer Joe was all man and then some. So I have always had a soft spot for police officers. A soft wet spot.

Anyway the party broke up and we all went our separate ways. I didn’t see any of them again. Except Bozo. He became a famous Weatherman and old people fetish guy. But that’s another story. Bozo could teach Barry O something. You really shouldn’t mess with a cop.

Especially if you are a clown.

Why you don't like my outfit.


"But you majesty the people are talking."
"Don't they know who I am. I can do a one armed pushup."
"Yes but they talk about how you dress sire."
"Why are they saying the emporer has no clothes."
"No they are saying the emporer has ugly clothes."
"Well I like my sperm suit and I am going to keep it. Let me show you why."

Hey it's the big time.


Some people are proud of being singled out in the media. That's why they go on reality shows and stuff. Personally I hate celebrities. Let me give you an example.

These three crazy dudes came in and said they were stylists for Queen Lathifa's new movie "Just Wright." It is going to start filming in a few weeks in Brooklyn. They heard we had a plus shop and wanted to pull some clothes for fittings. Now we got smart since then and have added a 15% restocking fee for anything that goes out of the store. You see they take stuff out that we can sell. Sometimes it is the only garment I have in that size. So if they don't buy it I will have lost a sale for nothing. Now they all blow smoke up your ass and tell you they are going to tell the star about you store and imply that they are going to come and shop there. But that never happens because they don't want to put anybody who knows what they are doing in touch with these girls they have bamboolzed with their supposed expertise.

Anyway they kept the stuff out of the store for a month and we are fighting with them about the bill. Celebrities and their hangers-on are just not worth it. I prefer normal everyday people who just want clothes.

So I don't think it is so great to be part of that whole whirlwind. But if that blows your dress up, congratulations.

But it is all kind of silly don't ya think.

He turned into the wrong Raven!


Of course he turned into the wrong Raven. Who would want to be a smelly carrion eater when you could turn someone into the seventies porn star.

Although she did eat some pretty foul things.

Like Ron Jeremy.

Is this the way to Ixtlan?


When I was in college I read all the books by that mystic guy Carlos Castaneda. You know the dude who studied under the Yaqui shaman Don Juan Matus who taught him how to turn into a raven and fly. A lot people loved his books and looked at them as some form of spiritual guide to knowledge. I never really did but I found then quite interesting reading.

Castaneda had a very interesting life. He had a sting of women living with him who he claimed as disciples.Three at a time. They all disappeared after he died. They worshipped him and cut off all ties with family and friends. Castaneda lived as a recluse for many years after publishing three best selling books of autobiography. He basically was a cult leader. If you met someone who was really into his books and his philosophy they would argue white was black and day was night if Castaneda said so. Kind of reminds of the present day when you talk to Obamabots.

Except they ain't chewing peyote.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Tyler Perry's White House of Pain,


(Family quarters, upstairs at the White House)
Michelle Obama: (walking in back from the press conference) Mama I‘m home! You can go to bed now I just want to check on the girls.
Marian Robinson (Michelle’s mom) Thank God you are home. Your Auntie Madea is on the warpath. You best get that skinny ass half a cracker husband of yours up here
Michelle Obama: Now Mama don’t start that up again, what’s the problem this time. I am very tied. We have been working really hard on our health care plan.
Marian Robinson: That’s why you Auntie Madea is all pee-oood. Get that skinny thermometer muthafucker up now.
Michelle Obama (picks up phone) Hi, can you ask the President to come upstairs. Thank you.
President Barrack Obama: (Comes rushing in) Is every thing OK? Are the girls all right?
Michelle Obama: My mother wants to talk to you.
President Barrack Obama (mutters under his breath) Oh shit. What now!
Marian Robinson: What did you say you skinny assed Q-tip looking muthafucker?
President Barrack Obama: Nothing Mother. You do know that I am President of the United States. You might show me just a little respect.
Marian Robinson: You better watch your ass you doctor dissing insurance stealing booty bandit.
President Barrack Obama: Now mother please, my plan is wonderful. It’s just like the ones they have in Sweden.
Marian Robinson: Sweden. They ain’t no black folks in Sweden you dimwitted skeleton. They ain’t people with sugar problems and the rumatizzz. They only gots herring and sweaters with reindeers on them. Madea come on out here!
Madea: (comes into the room) There he is that fool boy. What cha doing taking away my medical insurance. How am I going to get my bunions clipped? And I was thinking about getting a boob job. I know you ain’t gonna cover that are you?
President Barack Obama: No Auntie Madea that is elective surgery.
Madea: I didn’t elect you to decide on my surgery bitch. If I wants a butt lift and my Blue Cross is gonna pay for it why do I gotta ask Mr. Charlie for permission. Damn boy you want to turn this into Russia or something.
President Barack Obama: I don’t have to take this from you Madea, I am the President (he feels out of the room).
Madea: Where you going you pansy ass fool? Marian get my gat. I gonna punish his ass like he be a Harvard professor with a nappy afro and an attitude. He thinks the po-po is bad. I gonna go upside his pale ass.

TJ Hooker - Heather Locklear dances!

Yes that is what strip clubs looked like on TV in the early eighties.

Trust me it looked a lot different in real life.

Or so I heard.