Lem said his keyboard got all sticky

He has to stay off those Red Sox fan sites from the Dominican.

That will mess up your computer right there let me tell you!

Hell needs a new PA announcer!

(Lucifer strides into Hell in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking a cigar and scratching his balls. He does that a lot. That's why they call him old scratch) Lucifer: How the fuck are you Forcas? Aah who the fuck am I kidding I don't give a shit. I'm back from vacation so let's get to work.
Forcas: Vacation? I thought you were sick my Dread Lord. Lucifer: Yeah. My black heart started to fail. It filled up with water and goo and shit. I had to get a pacemaker. You believe that shit. But I got to spend a weekend at the Hamptons. That’s where all the demons and devils and monsters hang out. You know. White people. So do we have any new candidates?
Forcas: Well we have several new candidates you can choose from. There is the famous pretentious black female poet!
Lucifer: Really. That that doesn’t narrow it down. They are all pretentious bitches. Is it Gwendolyn Brooks? She is pretty talented
Forcas: No my dread Lord. It is Maya Angelou. Lucifer. Oh no. not that no talent cunt. I can’t listen to that shit. I already live in hell. Send out to be Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Maid. She can cook him pancakes and get butt fucked. He won’t enjoy it anyway. He gets there fastest with the moistest that quick draw ejaculating motherfucker. Who else do we have?
Forcas: We have famous baseball legend Don Zimmer.
Lucifer: Holy Ted Williams disembodied noggin! The Gerbil. Get him in here right now Don Zimmer(slides down the stairwell to hell and tumbles at the feet of Satan and his right hand fallen angel Forcas. He blearily rolls over and drops the racing form and the bottle of ExLax that he was holding) What the fuck...where am I? Is that you Buckner? Lucifer: You are in Hell Zimmer! Welcome. I bet you thought you were in Hell all the times the times you had to stick your head up Tom Yawkey’s ass. He loved the feel of your big bald head up in his bowels. That’s why he called you the gerbil. Now you are home. Think of this as the Fenway Park! Cause it is fuckin Hell.
Don Zimmer: How the fuck did I end up in Hell? I was a Yankee all those fuckin’ years! I know that Yankees never go to Hell! What the fuck?
Lucifer: Seriously you moron. You are not a true Yankee like Mantle or DiMaggio or Celerino Sanchez. You are a Cub. And a Red Sox. You know. A fuckin’ loser.
Don Zimmer: You mean I put up with George for nothing. Shit.
Lucifer: Look you big dummy. You were one of the worst managers in baseball history and you were a big part of the Red Sox. History. So straight to Hell!Forcas!
Forcas: Yes Sire. (two burly demons drag Don away and dump in a pit ) What do you want done with him.
Lucifer: Oh I don’t know. Tell you what. Have go down on Eleanor Roosevelt and stick his bald head up her twat. Her smelly twat. That should be hell for both of them. Forcas: Yes sire.
Lucifer: Have Marilyn and Ava Gardner come up to my room. I am horny. Tits.

Freckles and foolish

Even when they are dead.

Boston still sucks. Croaking doesn't change that.

Congratulations to Lem who got to see tonight what he never thought he would ever see!

His Red Sox won another Championship.
Congratulations!
(Also ChipS and Tim and all the other deluded Red Sox Fans)

Talking baseball with the Disembodied Head of Ted Williams.

"So the Red Sox have defeated the Yankees 4-2 tonight in a close game with Andy Petite taking the loss and Felix Doubront got the win. Let's talk to our special guest the disembodied head of Ted Williams. So Ted what did you think of the game?'
"The game. What game. I don't understand this game they are calling baseball. It's is all screwed up."
"Well what do you mean Teddy Ballgame? You just saw another "quality start" from Doubront who is the first Red Sox pitcher to have as many "quality starts" since Dutch Leonard."
"That's exactly what I mean numbnuts. What the fuck is a quality start? In my day a quality start meant you pitched nine innings of a complete game and hit Johnny Mize in the coconut with a couple of freaking bean balls that's a quality start."
"Well things are different now Ted."
"Damn straight they are different. Even the names are different. I mean I remember when we had good old American Names for the players. Ruth. Cobb. Williams. Speaker. Not like now. Who the fuck is Johnny Garden Nome. What kind of name is that? And every other guy is an Ortiz or a Rameriz or a Torres. It's like we are at a cockfight or something."
"Well baseball has become much more inclusive Ted. People from all over the world come to the show. Look at all the Asians we have like the Red Sox closer Koji Uehara."
"Yeah that's what's fucked up. You get this gook Urethra pitching for the Red Sox. I never though I would see the day. I remember when I used to strafe those villages in Korea on my way back to the airfield. Those suckers would run like ants screaming and peeing their little black pajamas. I just can't believe that my team the Red Sox would do that. We were proud of being the most racist team in the big leagues. We were the last one to get a colored player. Shit the world has changed. Next thing you know you are gonna tell me that they elected a shine President or something."
"Errrr.....well....while you were frozen they did elect a black man Barack Obama President. Twice."
"WHAT! I can't take this crap. Look stick me back on that can of Chicken of the Sea and put me back next to the frozen peas. I had enough."
"Well thank you very much Ted. Next up we will talk to David Ortiz who will tell us of how he smuggled his family over the boarder in his underpants after this message from the Obama phone. You don't have to have credit you just need a pulse. And a vote. We will be right back."

Talking Baseball with Ted Williams Disembodied Head!

"Hey Ted how are you doing today"
"I'm fucking freezing you dick. I am stuck to a can of tune fish in a fuckin' Frigdaire how the fuck do you think I feel numbnuts?"
"Please Ted we have children listening."
"Fuck em. No seriously lets fuck em. I love those hairless little....."
"Ted enough about your social life. Waddaya think about the season so far?"
"Well the Sox are in first place. Thank God they got rid of the moron Bobby Valentine. The douche bag couldn't get laid in a Japanese whorehouse. Seriously when he managed in Japan he never got a fuckin' happy ending in the massage parlor because he was too gross for whores who like raw fish.
What the fuck's up with that?"
"Well that is as may be. What do you think about the latest steroid scandal?"
"Not much. Suspend the fuckin' lot of them. I mean that dumb spic A-Rod is always fucking up and he ain't playing anyway. Thank God the Yankees got stuck with him. And that Ryan Braun. He is always sticking things in ass. We need to teach him to stop with the needles and confine himself to getting stuck in the ass with Aaron Rodgers dick."
"Errr right Ted. We will be right back after this word from our sponsors.

You have to respect the guy even though Boston sucks.

I just finished reading Terry Francona's book "Francona; The Red Sox Years."

I wonder what his next book will be. "Francona: The Tranny Years."

I didn't follow all the crap that was going on with the Sox at end of his tenure. I mean I just assumed that Boston sucked. And they do. Their players and managers always seem to end up hating the team after they leave. I mean it can be a problem for the Yankees too but no where as bad as for the Red Sucks. It seems that many of their stars can't wait to get away from them and too many of them end up on the Yankees.

Luis Tiant. Wade Boggs. Clemens. Johnny Damon. When Bernie Williams had a chance to go to Boston he called George and begged to take less money to come back to the Yankees.

Francona talks about how the Sox screwed him by releasing his personal medical information. It ended badly with Torre. If offering you 5 million to manage is considered ending badly. But nothing like what Francona describes.

It is a good book for baseball fans. Recomended because it is putting money in Terry Francona's pocket and not the owners of the Red Sox.

Hey who knew that Titus owns the Red Sox!

 Francona rips Red Sox owners in book

NEW YORK (AP)

Theo Epstein traded for Adrian Gonzalez and signed Carl Crawford following pressure from Boston Red Sox owners to build a ''sexy team,'' according to a book co-authored by former Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona.

Epstein, who left as general manager after the 2011 season to become a Chicago Cubs executive, said Boston owner John Henry, chairman Tom Werner and president Larry Lucchino made the team's image a priority, according to excerpts released Tuesday by Sports Illustrated.

''Francona: The Red Sox Years'' is co-written by the Boston Globe's Dan Shaughnessy and is scheduled for publication by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt on Jan. 22.

''They told us we didn't have any marketable players, that we needed some sizzle,'' Epstein is quoted as saying. ''We need some sexy guys. Talk about the tail wagging the dog. This is like an absurdest comedy. We'd become too big. It was the farthest thing removed from what we set out to be.

"The owners said we had to get players who appealed to women and gays because that was their fan base" said the former Boston GM. "Thank God I only have fat drunken white guys to please these days with Cubs. They are much easier to deal with. Since they are losers they can identify with losers. That's what being a Cubs fan is all about."

Ok I admit I made a mistake......

You see I went by the recommendation of the people having the wedding. I should have stayed in downtown Boston and just got a car to drive me to the wedding. Then I could have enjoyed the city. I guess.

We were stuck in Woburn which is just like Long Island. Suburbs. Everything closes.

And I will never stay in a Marriott again. Man did that place suck. The bed was rock hard and the smoke alarm flashed all night. The AC sucked and it soaked the carpet. Since this was a business man's hotel I would be afraid to shine a blue light because the entire place is probably soaked in splooge.

We thought we would go to the pool but it looked green. I mean it had algae and it wasn't even outside.

The breakfast was the worst shit I ever ate in my life. No I take that back. I had a horrible burger in a strip club in 1985 that was worse than the omelet I had here. But it was close.

We only got two towels. Bath towels you see. Now that just doesn't work. So I did what I always do. I went out and tracked down the housekeeper and slipped her a twenty and she gave me about twenty towels so we were covered. But it was a close run thing.

We had a major catastrophic incident on the second day we were there. There a lip on the bottom of the credenza in the room and somehow the wife chipped off the nail polish on her big toe. Man that was fucked up. For me.

You see the wife is wearing an open toe shoe to the wedding and of course the big chip sticks right out. So we have to find a nail parlor to get the toe fixed before we can go to the wedding. We go on-line and find one in Melrose and we get a cab there. While we are there the wife get a shampoo and blow out and it fuckin takes forever. I mean I am supposed to meet our ride back at the hotel as we a going with another couple. But we are going to be late as this shit was taking forever. And we still had to get dressed and all.

What a fucking fiasco!

Plus we had to wait twenty five minutes for a cab as there was only one in town. What the fuck?

BOSTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me count the ways.

No strike that from the record.

There is no way to count the ways because it sucks in so many, many ways.

I spent the worst ten years of my life in the weekend I spent in Massachusetts. It was abysmal.

I just found out that Tim emailed me but I didn't have my computer with me so I didn't get the message. If we could have met up it would definitely have mitigated this disaster but unfortunately it was not to be.

I will have many posts lamenting the torture that I had to endure but I would like to start with one of the worst.

The bar in the hotel closed at eleven. Eleven PM. You know. The hour before midnight. Not at Four in the morning. Not at Two in the morning. NOT AT FUCKIN" MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! AT ELEVEN A FUCKING CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM STUCK IN MASSACHUSETTS AND I CAN"T GET A FUCKIN" DRINK!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You see the wife and I went out to have an adventure were our late afternoon lunch turned into a safari because we were afraid to leave the restaruant but we figured we could go back to the hotel bar for a nightcap or three.

Did I mention?

THE FUCKIN" BAR CLOSED AT ELEVEN O"FUCKIN CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get there in time to order a couple anyways. Now let me tell you about liberal Massachusetts. We are sitting at the bar and this black dude comes in with his white lady. She goes to sit down at a lounge table and he goes to the bar and orders three drinks. Two beers and a shot. The bar bitch goes " I can only give two drinks at a time unless there is someone with you." So he has to get his girl so he can get his drinks. He pays his money. Then an older white dude comes up and orders four drinks. And she gives them to him with no problemo! I had to laugh. 

Anywho there were four weddings at this hotel. Or rather four parties of people who were going to weddings staying there. It must be the cheap place for weddings to get blocks of rooms so their cheap ass relatives from Buttfuck Oklahoma can pay for a fucking room. In a hotel with A FUCKIN" BAR THAT CLOSES AT ELEVEN O"FUCKIN CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These two dudes come up to order drinks. Since they were white they got to get three apiece. Somehow the conversation turns to football. And this one dick can only say that Eli Manning is a piece of shit. I pointed out to him that he seemed to have beat the Pats both times he played them. He tells me it wasn't Eli but it was his team. I said dude "He had a completely different team both times they played. Different receivers. Different running backs. Different line. Really the only thing that was the same was Eli. But he had nothing to do with it right?" But this douche couldn't see it. They wanted to talk about stats. Dan Marino's name came up. And I said like I always say "show me a guy who talks about his stats and I will show you a loser. You know. Like Ted Williams." Even the pip squeak bar bitch had to join in and tell me how Eli wasn't an "elite" player because he didn't have the stats. You think she would have thought about that because the Massholes left a $2 tip. Whatever! Even the black guy chimed in as he was getting his three drinks even though he had to bring his girl back to the bar to get them. "You can't dog Marino just because he never won a Super Bowl. I mean Doug Williams won one and you can't say he was an Elite player." I says "Well that don't count because that was affirmative action man." He laughed and I bought him and his girl a drink. The Massholes kept griping and Eli wasn't just a piece of shit but a "wicked piece of shit." I said whatever you say dudes I just want to play you guys again in the Super Bowl because I know we will win again. Cause the only thing that counts is pelts on the pony. The rest is bullshit.

Then of course it was ELEVEN O"FUCKIN CLOCK AND IT WAS LAST CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we had to go upstairs to our rock hard mattress and lousy air conditioning and a smoke alarm that kept flashing a light all night that made you feel like you were having a stroke!!!

This was the first night.

Boston sucks....so why do I have to go there.....????

For all of our Boston friends....you should be afraid....be very afraid.

We are going to Beantown next week for a wedding. Our friend the Opera singer is getting married and we are going for the weekend. We are staying in the Marriott at Woburn. I think that is a suburb of Boston and I don't know how far that is away from the downtown area.

We plan to venture into Boston proper on Friday night so if any of you Boston people want to have a drink you have to let me know if you want to get together.

I can just see Titus and his Apu and Tim and Lee Lee all having a drink.

Big Red Sox trade today....

They traded Ted Williams frozen head and a can of tuna for a quart of Magic Johnson's Aid's infected sperm.

It was an even trade.

Best of luck to both teams.

Sometimes Christmas comes early!

NEW YORK (AP) -- Boston Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine says his team's difficult season has not been caused by the media.

Red Sox president Larry Lucchino said Thursday that he blamed the media ''a little bit'' for the culture of toxicity surrounding Boston since the team's September collapse last year.
''It's always the media. What, are you kidding, partly? I think he was totally incorrect. Partly?'' Valentine said playfully before Friday night's game against the New York Yankees before turning serious.
''The media had nothing to do with the season,'' the manager said.
Boston led the AL wild-card race by nine games in early September, then skidded to a 7-20 finish and missed the playoffs. Terry Francona, who led the Red Sox to World Series titles in 2004 and 2007, left after the season and was replaced by Valentine. The new manager wanted to change a clubhouse culture where players ate fried chicken and drank beer during games, rather than sit in the dugout to support their teammates.
There has been plenty of turmoil as the Red Sox have failed to contend. Valentine clashed with Kevin Youkilis, who was traded. Yahoo! Sports reported Red Sox players met with ownership on July 27 to complain about the manager.
Speaking Thursday on WEEI radio, Lucchino called the report ''exaggerated and inaccurate'' and said the media was partly to blame for the difficult clubhouse culture.
''I think we all share a little blame for it,'' he said. ''There might have been some things that we could have done earlier and better, I mean myself as well, to ensure that it didn't develop to quite the level that it has. But I certainly think the culture of a passionate sports city like Boston with not just one, but two sports talk radio stations, and not just one, but two regional sports networks and not just one city but several cities in New England whose papers cover the team, I think there is an intensity and a breadth to the media coverage here that is different than in most other places.''
Boston began Friday with a 58-61 record, 12 1/2 games behind the first-place Yankees in the AL East.
''It's been a real challenging year. A lot of things going on,'' Valentine said. ''I don't know if it's more than I expected, but it's been challenging - just the way we like it.

The Red Sox and Bobby V .....perfect together

The Red Sox are off to a stellar start under the leadership of that genius Bobby Valentine. This is the perfect pairing of captain and ship. The best since Edward Smith took the helm. Well no....the best since Francesco Schettino fell into his lifeboat.

There will be no lifeboats for the Red Saux this season. Only disguises to hide how bad they suck. And it couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

Did I tell you lately that the Yankees are going to win the World Series?

Deep thougts....By Titus

Titus said...

It's been 60 degrees out here in Boston.

The past two days.

It has been incredibly warm winter and I love it.

Tanky season is on it's way.

I love wearing a tanky and showing my guns.

tits.

Manny being Manny

The just took Manny Rameriez off the retired list so he is free to sign with any club he wants. He still has to serve his drug suspension but he can come back around July or so to hit.

I hope the Red Sox take him back.

Manny and Bobby Valentine. A match made in heaven.

Oh yeah and one more thing:

BOSTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Bobby the only thing that sucks more than Boston is you!

This can't get any better. The Red Sox are hiring Bobby Valentine as their manager. Whatz the manna they could get Wes Westrum? Art Howe? Joe Frazier?

When you go to get a manager you go to one of the worst managers from one of the worst franchises in baseball history?

Thank you Red Sox morons.

It is gonna be a fun summer!

Papelbon pinches a loaf!

Right on the stupid fuckin' Red Sox.

Now he is gonna be the Shitz for the Phillies.

Why is it that so many Red Sox players who are beloved stars seem to leave in Free Agency.

Roger Clemins. Wade Boggs. Johnny Damon. Now Papelbon. They leave in the prime of their careers when they have so much left to give. Maybe Red Sox nation is not all that it is cracked up to be.

You don't see Posada or Jeter or Mariano doing that.

The only exception was Petite. And of course he was a left hander.

By the way;

BOSTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Hoff is distraught!

"I am so sad my little bonita concetia."
"You have left me all alone."
"First you go away and marry another."
"And left me with only Big Papi to while away my lonely nights."
"Now he too is going to leave me."
"And I must play my sad Musica solo."
"Listen muy bonita>"
"Ese hombre que tu tienes no estan en nada
Que en vez de enamorarte te desgasta, no
Tiene bueno modales, y no es atento contigo
Ese hombre no se merece que le des tanto
Cario.
El duerme en la maana y tu trabajas, y luego
Por las noches se te escapa, te exige que tu le laves
Que lo vistas y lo planches, y si a caso tu protestas
Se indigna y quiere pegarte.
Que le den candela, ay que le den castigo, que lo
Metan en una holla y que se cocine en su vino
Que le den candela, que le den castigo que lo borden
De una cometa y que luego corten el hilo(azucar, azucar)
Ese hombre que tu tienes buena amiga, si yo fuera
Tu le dejaria, las maletas en la puerta y una nota que dijera
Apartir de este momento que te cocine tu abuela.
Que le den candela, ay que le den castigo, que lo
Metan en una holla y que se cocine en su vino
Que le den candela, que le den castigo que lo borden
De una cometa y que luego corten el hilo."
"I will sing it all night as I taste these tasty buns that make me think of you."
"Oye Big Papi why did you leave me........sob"

Commenter Memories Number 70- Tim picks one right.

Tim said... Not to rain on your parade, but Sox Win! Sox Win! Sox Win! Red Sox Nation exists to cast a pall over the otherwise insufferable Yankees. How do you like that Cambridge talk?

What can I say Tim? You picked that one right.