She won't let me eat pizza...

When the wife heard I had a slice of pizza every day she got really pissed. I am supposed to be cutting down.

I said I am cutting down.

To once slice a day.

Seriously. Give a brother a break ya know what I means!

I hate fuckin' shoes!!!!!!!!!!!

We spent all day fucking getting shoes.

One of the perks of being a quasi-celebrity is that you get free shit. Lisa loves to wear Sacha London shoes so we called them up and told them we would be wearing them in photo shoots and we wanted a particular style and color. They told us to come up and get some free pairs to wear because they want their stuff out there.

So we call the car service guy and get him to drive us to the city and wait outside while we were up there. It was supposed to be a quick in and out. Right. Like that was going to happen.

Four hours later we walk out with about seven or eight pairs. She couldn't make up her mind. The were giving us four free pairs so I just went to girl "She can't make up her mind and when that happens I tell her to get them all. I can't spend any more of my precious time on this. I only have so much time left on earth and I don't want to spend three more hours of it choosing between a flat and a pump." Listen to me I sound worse than Titus.

The girl goes "No problem" and since she was charging me the wholesale price it was no big fucking deal. So we got them all.

These are some of the shoes but not the colors that we got.

Four fucking hours.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our Anniversary so we will not be around.

Talk among yourselves and be nice.

You know what they say about guys with big feet?

They have big shoes. These size 14 puppies were my new purchase last week. The wife and I have started walking to work off some of our sugar and I needed something to wear instead of my trustie Rockports.

They are pretty comfortable and fun to wear.

Hey I just had my ears lowered

The wife is on my ass to get a haircut because I am starting to look like Kramer. She keeps singing "Cha-cha-cha-chiiiaaaaaa" which imples that I look like a Chia Pet.

I tell her she should be happy that I still have my hair. People pay a lot to have curly hair like me. But in the interest of not listening to her for hours on end I went to get a haircut.

Now I used to go to one of my former clients who has a hair salon but I stopped going this year when I dropped her as a client. Plus I hate hair salons. They are like snake pits. Who wants to listen to those witches yammer. Plus they would all ask me tax questions and when she got excited he would cut my fuckin ear by mistake.

Luckily there is an old school joint down the block. The old Italian barber barely speaks English. He doesn't even know my name just that I am a big tipper. Guys come in and sit down and read the paper waiting for their turn. No talking. Just snipping. It's great.

Oh I got a 1970's razor cut just to piss her off.

Hee.

Don't give that man a cigar!

I hate the fact that I don't get to enjoy a stogie now and again like I used to back in day. You see the wife has given up smoking for the past year or so and I can't have cigar because that gives her the urge and I don't want that to happen. I never was a cigarette guy but I always did enjoy a good stogie. We used to smoke them when we were out bouncing around in the eighties. I mean we were deep into the hobby. We had cigar cases and cutters and a humidor. For a while I stored some stuff at Nat Sherman's where they would hold our stuff. We loved going to the Cigar Aficionado events and the occasional cigar cruise around Manhattan.

We used to adjourn to the backyard on a soft summer night with a bottle of wine and a cigar. But now if we sit in the back she gets the urge to smoke and that is too cruel. So we stayed inside all last summer. I hope this year will be better.

But now I don't get to smoke many stogies.

Only when I play golf.

"Heres a nice stick to beat the lovely lady with"

So we spent three days at the gift show at the Javits Center and I was bored out of my mind. We were looking for little gifts and stuff to add to the store for the skinny girls to buy while their chubby friends are shopping.

You see the skinny friends have no patience and always gold plated bitchs so I have to distract them. "Look over here skinny bitch...shiny...shiny...look." So we have tons of accessories and we brought in some candles and picture frames and other junk that they should like. But there was this one company that had more substantial stuff and we got these cool glass lanterns that you could put a candle in and have in your house or yard. As I was standing there I saw it lying over on a shelf. Right there....it was Bat Masterson's cane!

You see the wife and I have been having an argument lately because I wanted to use a cane when I traveled the railroad to Long Island. I don't really absolutely need it but I would welcome the support when walking up the many flights of stairs it takes at Flatbush Avenue and when I am exhausted at night. You see my fuckin leg really hurts sometimes and until I can get the operation I need to rest it as much as possible. But the wife says I am not an old man and I don't need a cane.

But there on the shelf was the perfect compromise. A walking stick just like the one Bat Masterson had in his TV show. I made her watch a bunch of episodes when Gene Barry died recently so she was familiar with it. But she still said no way Jose. The dude at the booth couldn't believe it. "You are going to let your wife tell you what to do?" I said "Pal, you obviously ain't married." "No" the guy said "I am gay." "Well I can't wait till you guys can get married so you will all shut the fuck up already." So we passed on it that day.

But the next day the little woman relented."You can have your walking stick if you want too" she said. "But I hope you don't want a top hat too!" I said "Of course I do. I am going to get a top hat and a monocle and go around like Mr. Peanut. Waddaya think I am gonna do. Jeeez, I am gonna be Bat Masterson for crying out loud!"

She told her mom that it was my midlife crises. Hey look, a walking stick is a lot cheaper than a motorcyle or a sports car.

Now I can strut around like Bat. Cool.

You can go scratch...well maybe not!

So where was Trooper York.

No place good I'll tell ya.

There I was minding my own business watching that cheezy singing competition on Tuesday with my leg up on my easy chair. So I reach down to scratch my leg. And what do you know I start to bleed a little. I felt a little wetness and looked down and saw a little blood. You know like when you flick off a scab or something. So I think nothing of it and am watching some gay dudes from Tufts sing rock and roll acapella. Then I look down and it is really bleeding. So I get up and put my finger on the spot and walk into to the kitchen. When I take my finger off it starts to spurt out blood like crazy. Oh shit I say to myself. Did I scratch off an artery? There was blood all over the kitchen cabinet and a pool of it in my slippers and all over the floor. I put pressure back on it and go to my wife "Honey, you have to call 911." "She goes "Stop screwing around and while you up bring me some snacks.' "No I am serious." "What's the matter.' She comes in and sees the crime scene and starts screaming. "MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!!!" "Errr I scratched myself could you call 911 I can't take my finger off the cut ya know." She runs to call 911 and to get dressed as we would proably have to go to the hospital.

About five minutes later about 40 people show up. The Fire Department, the cops and the EMT"S. They take a look and we realize that I just hit it in a bad spot and nicked a varicose vein and it just started pouring out. The pressure I put on had already clotted it and the spurting action was just from my veins being engorged with blood I guess. I am supposed to have this operation for a about a year now to fuse a valve that would help with this problem but I haven' t had any time. Anyway everything was cool and I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything. They just put a pressure bandage on and told me to stay off my feet.

So the wife laid down the law because I had scared her. I had to be a good boy and lay in bed with my leg up and not blog or sit a the computer or go to work or walk around or do anything.

You see she can be pretty tough. She always told me "Get better.... I hate it when you are sick...I ain't no Amelia Earhart."

But she is still my cookie and she is taking care of me. So now I feel much better. That bloodletting kinda helped. Maybe Jason (the commentor) can recommend a good physician who still believes in bleeding and leeches. Hey if it was good enough for Edmund Burke it is good enough for me.

Now back to starlets in bathtubs and Julie Newmar.

Support Fraunces Tavern!

We went out to celebrate a combined anniversary and the wife's birthday last night. Every year we go to the place where we were married Fraunces Tavern in downtown New York on the corner of Pearl and Broad Streets. This year we went on the wife's birthday since it was so hard for us to get out of the store. Plus we got to watch the Yankee game!

Paul the manager had been running the joint for a while and was the assistant manager when we were married there. He was telling us how tough business is downtown. A lot of the big brokerage companies have moved to midtown or Jersey and the back office work at home revolution has really hurt them. Also the expense account lunch has sort of become a thing of the past especially as the blue nosed puritans look up every executives asshole over how he spends. Without taking into account that those business dinners and lunches pay a lot of peoples salaries including chefs and waiters and bus boys. Not to mention the food vendors and liquor distributors.

The Fraunces Tavern Museum is also a treat for anyone who has any interest in American History. In fact this month they are displaying one of the only four existing copies of the Magna Carta on loan from the British Museum. Plus all the great colonial artifacts in their normal exhibits. Well worth a trip downtown and you can have a great lunch besides.

I have been very remiss in not supporting them more than I have and we are going to try to get there at least once a month or every six weeks or so. It is a great dining experience and an important part of the fabric of New York. If you are ever in the city please give it a try.

After four hours consult your doctor

Herman Munster: DARN, DARN, DARN, DARN!

Lily Munster: What's the matter Herman?

Herman Munster: Well you know that potion that Grandpa cooked up for my upset stomach?

Lily Munster: Yes the one with eye of newt and toe of bat and that piece of hickory?

Herman Munster: Well it seems to have worked. But it has a strange side effect.

Lily Munster: Whats that?

Herman Munster: All of the Bolts on my body are sticking straight out. And they have for the past four hours.

Lily Munster: Oh Herman, you can be such a monster some times!

Herman Munster: Happy Halloweenie!!!!

I miss my cigars!

Last night we watched the season finale of "In Plain Sight" which is this cool show about the Marshals service who run the witness protection service. The main character Mary Shannon who is a tough broad is protect this Spanish Commie chick from Guatemala or something who breaks out some cigars. She lights up and is enjoying it and man was I jealous.

I love cigars but I don't get to smoke them much anymore. You see the wife quit smoking cigarettes about six months ago and I have to support her in that. But what we used to do is sit in the yard and have some wine and light up. She would have a cigarette or two and I would enjoy a stogie. But I have to stop so I don't tempt her. Much like I have to do with mashed potatoes and french fries.

The Arturo Fuente Opus Opus X was one of my favorites. I have a few in my humidor for the next time my friend Vito comes over and we can sit in the yard and enjoy a smoke while the girls are inside yakking.

Problems of a Shopkeeper.

Well the daughter and the granddaugher are up from Florida so I opened the store on my own today for an extended Saturday morning with Trooper York. I had a bunch of ladies getting dresses including a couple of mothers of the bride who are always tough to please. What to do. Oh what to do.

Why crank up the music and make it fun. Disco, Madonna, Bee Gees, Soul, Al Green, James Brown, I don't what it is just as long as it's funky. I told everyone I had to get the dancing out of my system before the boss got there because she doesn't let me dance in public. So everyone was moving and groving to the music trying on and buying dress. There's a party going on.

I warned everyone that I had to get dancing out of my systems and as the song says I have ants in my pants and I got to dance. But sure enough the boss came in and everyone "Oh Lee Lee is here." And one of the girls that was in the dressing room shouts out "Oh don't stop dancing now." Lee Lee goes "What he was dancing?"

I had to say "Baby why'd you give me up? Didn't Nello make a video about not snitchin' and stuff?"

So the dance party is on hold till next week.

Today's gratuitous bathtub photo says "You shouldn't share your bath with a lying pussy."

Hey my buddy emailed me this photo and he told me he was getting a divorce. It seems his wife thought he was having an affair because he was always covered in this long blonde hair. He told her it wasn't true but she didn't believe him. I told him to tell her "who are you going to believe me, or your lion eyes."

Today's gratuitous bathtub photo says "I missed you baby"

Yes I missed you. I hate to be away from you. Don't ever leave me. Hey maybe we should take our clothes off before we get in the tub. Just sayn'

Hey that's a lot of sperm!

So we ate really late again and we had to go to insomnia theatre. Now I often put on what they call the "American TV channel" which has reruns of old sixties programs. Last night they had "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" the old submarine series from the sixties. In this episode, Richard Basehart the admiral goes out in a diving bell with a beautiful Russian lady scientist to examine an undersea station that was destroyed. Well as they were being lowered down what happens but a giant Sperm whale come along and swallows them whole. The whole freakin' diving bell which is about twenty feet high and thirty or forty feet wide. The captain has to lead a crew of divers to attach a line to pull it out of the whales belly after the tranquilize it. It had the most craptastic special effects I ever saw. The whales belly looked like a quilt or a bunch of pillows. You had to see it to believe it. Of course the wife was intrigued by the story and kept asking me questions so I couldn't go to sleep. Once again I pick a sixties TV program that keeps me awake past my bedtime.

Thank God I am back in the store!

What a great day in the store! It was seventy degrees in Brooklyn so I was able to make breakfast for my honey and we had it in the yard. French toast, coffee, and Bellini's with strawberries and cream on the side. Then we got to work and we have been very busy with a lot of new customers who loved our spring stuff.

I enjoy working in the store a lot more than accounting. And of course there are some pretty cool fringe benefits! Heh.

Today's gratuitous bath tub scene asks "What is Meade going to do if the Professor doesn't have a couch?"

Just sayn'

Everybody Loves Shamsky

New York Post February &, 2009
RUFF SEX SLAM ON 'SHAM'
By ALIYAH SHAHID and TODD VENEZIA
Kim Shamsky's nasty fight with her Amazin' ex-husband is really going to the dogs.
The scorned wife's battle against Art Shamsky hit a new low when she quoted yesterday a line from a 16-year-old love note he sent her, which she claimed shows his "dark side."
The odd closing to the letter, referencing their pet Maltese, Bianca, was: "I got carried away and started to play with the dog's nipple somewhere in the middle of the night."
"That's not a joke," she told The Post. "Who would ever buy a card like that? This means that he was playing with the dog . . . It's disgusting."
The doggie to-do - the latest in a series of knee-buckling curves that included claims of him switch-hitting with men and women - is raising the bar on her claims from "
The card was sent before the couple married in 1993. Kim Shamsky mysteriously claimed that she did not open it until after they wed in 1994.
"I would have never said 'I do' if I read the card at the time," she said. "My dogs are the most important thing to me. Bianca was my kid."
While her ex has threatened to take out a restraining order against her, she said a restraining order should be taken out "against him going into a pet store."
Sladkus was stunned to hear that Kim - who said she's "not accusing him [Shamsky] of anything" - was making more outrageous claims two days after she made front-page headlines by haranguing the '69 Met on a Midtown street.
Thursday, Sladkus publicly warned Kim Shamsky that she should stop making potentially slanderous claims.
"I'd like to hear her repeat that charge in open court," he said. "When people act like that, it's a sign of desperation."
The couple divorced in 2006. Last year, Kim filed an emotional-distress lawsuit against the 67-year-old former player, who starred on the 1969 World Series champion Miracle Mets.
Kim Shamsky claims she's due money because her ex caused her psychological damage by fooling around on her during their marriage and exposing her to a sexually transmitted disease. He has denied the allegations, and his lawyer dismissed it as her attempt to recoup money she lost in the nasty divorce.
Kim Shamsky said she planned to continue speaking out. She said Sladkus "should stop eating ice cream and read his law books. It's called the First Amendment.

Yes you love to rub my belly don't you bitch.

Mickey got progressively worse as the years went on. He was always a heavy drinker but he started doing drugs in the sixties when he dropped acid with Cary Grant. He even hung out with Charles Manson and the Beach Boys a few times. But just for the chicks. He was into younger and younger girls all the time. The last straw was when he knocked up the little mermaid. She had a whole school of rat fish. Walt forced him to marry Minnie. They had been engaged for forty five years. But it was all a sham.
(The Cracks in Magic Kingdom, The E True Hollywood Story of Mickey Mouse)

When stories strike you as funny.

Two stories that are in the newspaper have a strange resonance for me. I had a very good friend who had a very troubled marriage. He was always fighting with his wife and she always did stuff to screw him up. I remember he got a new job working on Wall St and invited everyone over his new house for a barbecue and his wife didn't show up. It was totally embarrassing. She was always dogging him and fighting with his mom and his family. It was a horror show.

So when we would go out for a drink he would always kid around about how he wanted to kill her and had to find out the best way to dispose of the body. We would laugh and joke and a lot of the guys in the bar would chime in with suggestions. Since a lot of the time this was in Codys and most of the other guys were cops and court officers they came up with some good suggestions. The final consensus was that to dispose of the body you should put it in a vat of acid that would destroy all the forensic evidence. This was in the '80's long before all that CSI crap on TV.

So today I was reading that one of John Gotti's henchman is on trail for disposing of the body of the guy who ran over Gotti's kid by chopping him up and putting him in a vat of acid. Funny right. But it gets better.

The way my friend and his wife reconciled was that she got a bad kidney disease and needed a transplant. Even though they were not much of a match my friend gave her his kidney and they more or less reconciled. Just like the couple in the news. Except that couple is getting a divorce and the husband wants the kidney back. Good luck with that one.

I would just worry if that guy bought a oil drum and a lot of old car batteries. Just sayn'