The Help-ski

When things seem to good to be true....they are too good to be true.

After working for a week our Russki maid had a problem. Now she has been doing a super job. Washing. Cleaning. Dusting. Even working in the store steaming and straightening the clothing on the racks. Everything seemed to be fine. Then the wife got a text.

"I am so sorry Missus but I hurt my toothski and broke my braces and must go to oral sturgeon." I think she means surgeon but whatever. So she couldn't come in to work for the rest of the week. So guess who is washing dishes and vacuuming and what not.

That's rightski.

Natasha gave me the finger.

Clean up on Aisle Seven

One summer when I was a kid I had a part time job in a supermarket. The worse part about it was when some douchenozzle knocked over a display and you had to put all of the cans and what not back on the shelves.

Back in the day they used to hire kids from the neighborhood who wanted to make a few dollars after school. Now all those jobs go to Mexicans who work off the books and get shit pay.

So having to clean up a mess in the aisle takes me back to old days. And it still really sucks when you have to clean up somebodies mess every day.

Maybe I will have to hire a Mexican. Just sayn'

You neve know who will show up!

It's just the way it goes.

Everything is All Right!

Hey everything is great in Brooklyn. There was an earthquake but it wasn't a big deal. I mean you felt it but it was nothing like what happens in the rest of the world.

We are usually off on Tuesdays but we happened to go to the store to get some fabric swatches to work with as the earthquake hit. The racks and the crystal chandeliers shook like crazy. I went out on Court St and everyone was out of their store. All of the old people where sitting on their little rascals outside of the senior citizen center. Everybody was like "Did you feel that?'

Some of those old people hadn't felt the earth move in a long time.

Anyway my computer is still messed up but I am working on it. Posting off an Ipad is a pain in the balls.

Be back posting full speed soon.

You can go scratch...well maybe not!

So where was Trooper York.

No place good I'll tell ya.

There I was minding my own business watching that cheezy singing competition on Tuesday with my leg up on my easy chair. So I reach down to scratch my leg. And what do you know I start to bleed a little. I felt a little wetness and looked down and saw a little blood. You know like when you flick off a scab or something. So I think nothing of it and am watching some gay dudes from Tufts sing rock and roll acapella. Then I look down and it is really bleeding. So I get up and put my finger on the spot and walk into to the kitchen. When I take my finger off it starts to spurt out blood like crazy. Oh shit I say to myself. Did I scratch off an artery? There was blood all over the kitchen cabinet and a pool of it in my slippers and all over the floor. I put pressure back on it and go to my wife "Honey, you have to call 911." "She goes "Stop screwing around and while you up bring me some snacks.' "No I am serious." "What's the matter.' She comes in and sees the crime scene and starts screaming. "MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!!!" "Errr I scratched myself could you call 911 I can't take my finger off the cut ya know." She runs to call 911 and to get dressed as we would proably have to go to the hospital.

About five minutes later about 40 people show up. The Fire Department, the cops and the EMT"S. They take a look and we realize that I just hit it in a bad spot and nicked a varicose vein and it just started pouring out. The pressure I put on had already clotted it and the spurting action was just from my veins being engorged with blood I guess. I am supposed to have this operation for a about a year now to fuse a valve that would help with this problem but I haven' t had any time. Anyway everything was cool and I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything. They just put a pressure bandage on and told me to stay off my feet.

So the wife laid down the law because I had scared her. I had to be a good boy and lay in bed with my leg up and not blog or sit a the computer or go to work or walk around or do anything.

You see she can be pretty tough. She always told me "Get better.... I hate it when you are sick...I ain't no Amelia Earhart."

But she is still my cookie and she is taking care of me. So now I feel much better. That bloodletting kinda helped. Maybe Jason (the commentor) can recommend a good physician who still believes in bleeding and leeches. Hey if it was good enough for Edmund Burke it is good enough for me.

Now back to starlets in bathtubs and Julie Newmar.

These things always seem to happen to me.

So I am running around with last minute details for our trip. One of them was that we had a huge mound of clothing that we had to bring to the Salvation Army as the wife has gone through her closet and purged a lot of stuff. So I had twelve really big garbage bags full of clothes and shoes to bring. Now the problem with the Salvation Army is that it is a pain in the ass to get them to come and pick up the stuff. You have to call weeks in advance and then you have to wait for them to come pick it up. So I decided to just have our worker drive me right to the Salvation Army store on Atlantic Avenue and I would bring right into the drop off section.

Now the problem with our car is that we just move it from one side of the street to the other to comply with alternate side of the street parking regulations. I mean I don' t think we put a hundred miles on it in the last year. It is so bad that we have to get a boost from Triple A about once a month. Even all the hoses and stuff rotted out because the car wasn't being used. So we decided to let our worker drive it home just to get it a workout while we were away. She has been one of my wife's best friends since they were in the first grade so I am not worried about the car. And as you know I don't know how to drive so I ain't about to do it. So we were going to the store to pick up the clothes and run them over to the Salvation Army.

The other problem with the car was it was kind of filthy. When the wife was driving it regular she would take it to the car wash every week. But since we don't use it, it collects dust and dirt and leaves and what not. So it was going to the car wash to be cleaned and detailed. It was kind of must inside so we opened the window to let in the air and like a jerk I decided to open the sun roof. Now one thing you have to know about Carroll Gardens is that we have a lot of trees. All over the place. Every block has huge trees growing out of the sidewalk providing shade and coverage everywhere. They often stretch out over the avenue like a canopy. You don't really pay attention to it. But you should. Especially if you opened the sunroof.

You see we stopped at a light and wouldn't you know, it was under a tree. And in that tree was a bird. And that bird had an upset stomach or something. Because at that moment he decides to take a dump. Right through the sun roof. On to my head.

Now the wife's friend was laughing her ass off. The crossing guard was peeing her pants. Passersby stopped and pointed. Everyone had a grand old time.

My only solace is that it is supposed to be good luck.

Something I will really need in my sojourn in the land of fruits and nuts.

Why does this shit always happen to me?