Heck of job Artie Bucco

So I have been telling you that I see Artie Bucco all over  the neighborhood lately. Artie or John Ventimiglia (his real name) has just moved into  Carroll  Gardens this winter and I see him almost every day. He has a role on the Tom Selleck  vehicle "Blue Bloods" which films in New York so I guess he wanted to come back to Brooklyn. I know he used to live in Park Slope and now lives a few blocks from me in Carroll Gardens.

All this winter he was walking up and down Court St wearing a hat and sunglasses and talking into his handsfree Blue tooth like a crazy person. I ran into him at the deli a couple of times as he is getting some cold cuts from Gourmet Fresh which is on the corner of my block. That is the joint where Danny the Deli Clerk from Masteleone's ended up after they sold out to some yuppies. The Arabs who used to run Key Food set up this up scale grocery but are smart enough to hire a neighborhood guy to run the deli counter so they don't lose the old timers so much. Anyway this mook had ordered some cold cuts when I came up and started bantering with Danny. "What do you want now?" "Hey take it easy and slice your baloney you miserable Popeye look alike before I write another bad Yelp review you miserable prick." He was watching us with his eyes bugging out. You see some hipster twat wrote a nasty review about the deli counter and I think she mentioned me. She went and demanded that Danny change his gloves when he sliced her order because she was allergic to gluten or something. She mentions that she overheard some body talking to the clerk and making fun of her. I bet that was me.

Anyway guess what happens? Artie decides to walk into Lee Lee's. He was shopping for sunglasses of which we have a couple of big displays. Now they are mostly girlie but we have some aviators that can go either way. I wasn't there at the time as I was dealing with the sewer line repair back at the apartment. But Lisa had a chance to talk to him. He introduced himself as John and Lisa didn't let on that she recognized him. He was looking for a specific type of shades that we didn't have but she gave the spiel that she always does about how we are opening a new store in the back but we have plus sized clothes that she designed and manufactured. He was impressed and said he had some friends who are always looking for quality plus sized clothing. Maybe Janice? Anyway he was very nice and Lisa had a nice conversation with him.

I bet he is going to come back because guys like that all ways want to be in with the in crowd.. So now Lee Lee's can be a place he  can come in the neighborhood where people know him and he can get the scoop on what is happening. My question is this. Should I run up a quick script for "Blue Bloods" that he can submit to the powers that be. His character is an Italian American Chief of Patrol who is one of the underlings to the Commissioner played by Tom Selleck.  I figure we can use the story of the two mooks who got in a knife fight at Joes Supperette over the cooze that ran the card store. John's character can be the uncle of the girl who had moved out of the neighborhood but has to come back to deal with the two Mafia familes that are involved in the dispute. I think it would be pretty easy to write a script for that show.  You got Mob guys, violence, the neighborhood. You know my specialty. You just have to make the Commissioner be a pompous dick, the daughter the DA be a commie cunt and the New Kid on the Block detective  be an asshole. Simple.

Of course it is a dick move to hand somebody a script like that. Even though he might be into it since it would have a great role for him in it. I wouldn't do it. But it would be pretty funny.

Reason 895 why I should move out of Brooklyn

We had to go to the store today on our day off because we were getting big deliveries. I have the UPS guy trained to call me when this happens. If I miss the delivery it goes back in the system and gets tossed around and half the time it gets fucked up. It is easier all around to just go to the store and get it and give the guy a tip so I can my stuff before it gets squashed in the sorter.

Anyway we get the stuff and start to walk home and who do we meet in front of the coffee shop? Agent Van Allen. You will remember when he stopped by the store to buy a scarf a couple of months ago. Well he has updated his look since then.

That day he looked like a homeless person. Sweatpants under shorts with a hoodie in freezing cold weather. If anything it is even colder today. He was wearing a flimsy coat with no buttons and Chuck Taylor All Stars with no laces. Oh and he had a huge motorcycle chain around his neck. You the ones that you use to stop people from stealing your motorcycle. Oh and he dyed his hair Marilyn Monroe blond.

Now you know me. I am a friendly guy. So I go "How you doing Mike?"  He replied "grunting something undecipherable." "Yeah Dude I bet I am going to see you on the Oscars next year." "More muttering nonsense that I can't hear." Under my breath "In the "In Memoriam" Section with Betty White and Jared Leto." "WHAT?" "Good luck buddy see you around."

I gotta get out of here. I can't keep running into crazy famous people. I would rather run into run of the mill crazy people like Sixty Grit or Icepick. Crazy famous people just have too much of a sense of entitlement.

You never know who will show up in the Valise!

So we left the door open today because the heat is on and the store is very warm and we wanted to cool it down a little. When we do that more people wander in off of the street. That is good and bad. Most of the time it is people who are just browsing or looking to come in from the cold. Today it seemed like it was mostly dudes. First the window washer came by. Then the guy who greases the gates. Some guy looking for a business card holder. A guy selling artwork from the back of his car. And this tall skinny dude who looks like he was homeless.

Now normally I am in the back at my desk and I come out when there is a dude in the store. So each time I pop out and check out what is going on. This tall guy was dressed very rough and dirty with a hat and a hood and he looked like he wanted to steal something. I looked closely at him. And I go: "Hey dude aren't you Nelson Van Alden?"

It was him or actually Michael Shannon which is the actor's name. He was buying a scarf. He pretty much was a dick. Stiff. Arrogant. A typical self entitled moron. One of the reasons I want to leave Brooklyn because all of these famous people are moving in to the neighborhood. You see I grew up with real gangsters. Not the ones who play them on TV. So we were not all that impressed. But we always try to be nice. We chatted while Lisa rang up the card. I was talking about how I have to explain what is going on because Lisa doesn't always follow the ins and outs of the show because she is texting or instagraming or some shit while it is on.

Last episode they depicted the murder of Dion O'Bannion. They implied that Van Alden was going to do it with a gun that Al Capone gave him. Everybody knows that Frankie Yale came from Brooklyn to kill O'Bannion while Scalise and Anselmi held his arms. It is one of the most famous hits in history.

So I say to him "You guys looked like you were going to pull a fast one. You made it appear that Van Alden was going to do the hit but you showed what really happened. It was one of the few times you followed what really happened. I know, I know artistic license." He goes "Boy you are a real history buff."

No I am just well informed. Ok I might have slightly encyclopedic knowledge of Mafia hits and Western gunfights but that is just my hobby. I just hate when they trash history and make up shit that is not as interesting as what really went down. When they invent characters instead of using the real people.

I can understand when people are socially awkward. Most of our customers are until they warm up. This guy warmed up a little at the end to the point that he agreed to take a photo. Lisa insisted because she wanted to post it on facebook and Instagram.

I left him with the words of wisdom I always tell people from TV when I meet them in person. "You know I met a lot of terrible people in my life. Mafia hit men. Burglars and thieves. Drug peddlers. But not of them are as bad as people who work in TV."

Hey nobody can be as big a dick as me. Just sayn'

Celebrity Camel Toe Corner

You don't need any basic instinct to have total recall of the best Sharon Stone scene you ever saw.

She just had to get over her camel toe obsession.

Why can't the girls get along?

Have you been watching the Celebrity Apprentice?

They always start off the season as the boys against the girls and every year the girls just get clobbered. This year they lost five out of the seven challenges. Now the girls have been fighting like crazy. The problem with these shows for some celebrities is that when you see them in action you start to hate them. Other's rise in you estimation. I mean who would have thought that Clay Aiken would have big balls and consistent act like a man. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And who would think that Lisa Lampenelli would be such a humorless bitch who couldn't laugh at herself. And who would have thought that Teresa Giudice would be a dumb twat.

Well everyone thought that so it don't count.

They had a double episode this week and in the second one they split up the teams with some men and some women in each. It was really funny how the guys wouldn't buy into the bullshit we saw every week with the girls. Lisa Lampenilli tried to get Dee Snyder to rag on the model babe but wouldn't have it. She did come up with some good stuff and he said so. Lisa lost it.

But not like Arsenio. He lost it in the boardroom. The worse I ever saw. I think I have to post the Youtube clip. He hammered this nasty twist Aubrey O'Day who is a bitch on wheels. She was the former head of a sorority and man she is like every one of those bitches you see on TV or the movies. Arsenio called her on her bullshit and Clay was right there with him telling the truth with no holds barred. It was great TV./

Next week should be a pip.

I still don't understand why women can't play nice. Just sayn'

I hate celebrities!

I hate celebrities. I mean they have such a sense of entitlement. If we get any small measure of notoriety I promise you I will not let it go to our head. Celebrities expect everything for free. Now don't get me wrong....I love free stuff and if someone wants to give me something I will take it cheerfully and thankfully. But I will not go out and strong arm people.

The reality show people are the worst. Jill Zarin had this big war with some airline because they wouldn't kiss her ass. Snookie is always glomming free shit. And the Kardashians  are always getting free tickets to sporting events so one of those whores could hook up with another athlete. I mean look at this picture of Khloe Kardashian at the Knick game. I mean who wants their view of the game being blocked while they interview her on the sideline.

That shit ain't right.

Corey Feldman is going to name the Kid Touchers in Hollywood

Famous former child star and all around douche Corey Feldman is writing a book where he will name the pedophiles who abused him when he was a child actor. He claims that both he and the other Corey were molested by big time Hollywood people. You know...like Roman Polanski type people. Which explains why they were all in support of Polanski when we wanted to come back to the US. To Hollywood abusing and raping children is no big deal. It's what they do.

I hope they go after them just as hard as they go after the Penn State fools. There should be zero tolerance and prosecution to the fullest extent of the law. They need to clean out that cesspool and put some of these kid touchers in jail.

Hollywood people are scum. Just sayn'

Stop Messing around beyootch!

Meeting celebrities happens all the time in New York. We used to do it a lot more when I was doing the taxes for bars in Midtown and the wife was managing one of my big clients. We met many Broadway people who had their cast parties at an upstairs room. Also a bunch of movie stars and TV stars who were slumming on Broadway in one show or another. Kevin Spacey. Matthew Broderick (poor bastard), Richard Dreyfus (cheap bastard), Jimmy Smits (cool bastard),Eric Stoltz (red headed bastard) and many more. But the one of the strangest was Debra Messing of Will and Grace fame.

She is in the news today for dumping her husband and shacking up with her TV costar. We met her one night when she was in New York working on a Woody Allen movie. She was sitting at a side table with a bunch of gay guys. Not that there is anything wrong with that! First of all she is one fuckin skinny bitch. I mean really skinny. Biafra skinny. Olive Oil skinny. But she is sitting at the table with a big burger deluxe with fries and onion rings. The funny thing is she wasn't eating anything.

All she would do is take a french fry off the plate.....suck it in her mouth.....and then expelled it without swallowing. I guess sucking stuff without swallowing is an important skill for an actress. But it was very disconcerting to see someone sitting with a plate full of food covered in spit.

Usually you only see that in the kitchen when they were preparing food for people who don't tip.

Donald Trump should check their papers....just saying

Advance warning for next week's Celebrity Apprentice. Crazy ostrich bitch Nene Leakes of the "Real Housewives of Atlanta" get's all ghetto over Miss Starr Jones on next weeks episodes. The coming attractions are off the hook.

I highly recommend you set your DVR to record this hot mess.

Check out the Celebrity Apprentice tonight!

It has been craptastic so far. And with all world crazies and morons like Latoya Jackson, Starr Jones, Gary Busey, Nene Leakes and Meat Loaf......I mean it is guarantied to be a lot of fun.

I heat that Meat Loaf and Gary Busey get into a huge fight where they have to call the cops and Nene and Starr duke it out as well to the point that you have to laugh your ass off.

Highly recommended.

Today's gratuitous bath tub scene asks "How long do I have to hold this tattoo bitch underwater Jesse.... ANSWER ME!!!

"I can hold her down a long time....almost as long as you have been holding me down....I mean you had to bang someone who looks an F-Train from 1975.....I think the twat had Paco157 spray painted on her taint.....why didn't you bang one of the whores on the Celebrity Apprentice last year....that poker twat....or even Joan Rivers.....I mean I could understand that before I could see you screwing this Jackson Pollack cunt!"

I told you so!

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Hey did you see what Sarah Jessica Parker wore to the Emmy's?

It was tree-mend-ous!!!!!!!!!

Oops I did it again!

(Forrest Lawn Cemetery, Memorial Chapel)
“Brothers and Sisters we are gathered together to remember our brother Patrick Swazye. Patrick has waged a long and courageous battle against cancer and his life can be an example to us all. More than just and actor and a dancer, Patrick was devoted family men who was married to his childhood sweetheart and never let the temptations of Hollywood tempt him to jeopardize his family. He….what?”
(A sweaty and disheveled Kayne West rushes to the stage and grabs the microphone)
“Yo preacher…the dirty dance guy was great and all and I will let you get back to him in a minute…but MICHAEL JACKSON HAD THE BEST FUNERAL OF THE YEAR…in fact the best funeral of the decade.. I’m just keeping it real yo…straight up (two security guards grab him and start dragging him down the aisle)…Yo waz up with you fools…. I’m just truthin’ …you got to respect me for bringing you the down home truth to you’ all….Stop it…don’t taze me bro….ATTICA, ATTICA…. (The guards throw him out of the chapel)…RRRRRAAAAACCCCCCIIIIIISSSSSSTTTTTTSSSS!!!!!!

Forever Our Girl!

Hey Paula Abdul just announced that she is leaving American Idol. That really sucks. Who is going to bring the crazy? Who is going to tell functional retards to keep following their dreams? Who is going to clap their hands like a seal on Meth?

I mean I can understand how some people can get tired of dealing with someone who seems so crazy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is make a clean break and wish them well and let them go on with their life because they are just too needy and nutty for you to be bothered with in the course of your life. I mean there is just not enough time to deal with that. I can understand how the Idol guys might want to move on.

Let's hope that they replace her with someone who will bring new life to the show.

I look forward to the new season.

Hey it's the big time.

Some people are proud of being singled out in the media. That's why they go on reality shows and stuff. Personally I hate celebrities. Let me give you an example.

These three crazy dudes came in and said they were stylists for Queen Lathifa's new movie "Just Wright." It is going to start filming in a few weeks in Brooklyn. They heard we had a plus shop and wanted to pull some clothes for fittings. Now we got smart since then and have added a 15% restocking fee for anything that goes out of the store. You see they take stuff out that we can sell. Sometimes it is the only garment I have in that size. So if they don't buy it I will have lost a sale for nothing. Now they all blow smoke up your ass and tell you they are going to tell the star about you store and imply that they are going to come and shop there. But that never happens because they don't want to put anybody who knows what they are doing in touch with these girls they have bamboolzed with their supposed expertise.

Anyway they kept the stuff out of the store for a month and we are fighting with them about the bill. Celebrities and their hangers-on are just not worth it. I prefer normal everyday people who just want clothes.

So I don't think it is so great to be part of that whole whirlwind. But if that blows your dress up, congratulations.

But it is all kind of silly don't ya think.

Evil truimphs once again!

Well Evil triumphs once again as the aging douche bag Donald Trump names octogenarian succubus Joan Rivers the Celebrity Apprentice. What a ripoff.

The finals were judged on four bogus criteria only one of which was fund raising. Annie Duke the poker player who was my favorite raised $300,000 more in her event but that didn't mean squat. They retarded decorations and drag queens in Rivers party were judged superior. Not that there is anything wrong with drag queens, I mean I am pretty sure that Joan and Melissa Rivers are both dudes anyway. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Now if you were following this as I have you would have seem the meltdown where this cunt Melissa was fired and totally attacked and demeaned the staff as she stormed off. Nothing gets me more pissed off than when cunts with a sense of entitlement go off on working people who are just doing their jobs. I am sure that is Trump's MO so I guess he didn't think it was such a big deal. The Rivers are so horrible that the event staff that was working on their party quit and both groups got screwed. Then when it was brought up in the boardroom the Rivers screamed that it was a lie when we saw it right in front of our eyes. How Trump could pick her after that just shows you why he has declared bankruptcy so many times.

This is the last time I will watch or talk about the Celebrity Apprentice. They lost me forever. I mean if it is a game there is absolutely no way that Annie Duke should have lost. If it is all bullshit as it proved to be why watch it all. The answer is that I was foolish to follow it.

I will now add Joan Rivers to that list which includes Robin Williams, Sarah Jessica Parker, the BJ Hunnicut guy and Tim Robbins. When I see them in the credits, I change the fucking channel.

\

What a fucking joke.

Poker Face vs Joker Face.

I stole that great line from this dude on Television Without Pity which is a great website to read about TV. The Celebrity Apprentice is down to the final two. Poker Face Annie Duke. Joker Face Joan Rivers.

You see the plastic surgery that old bat Rivers has had turned her into the spitting image of the Joker. And when I say spitting, I mean spitting clawing cackling hell spawn version of a demon from hell.

Now Annie Dukes the poker player is a gold plated phony and master manipulator but she sure doesn't deserve the venom showered on her by Rivers. I think Trump promised Rivers that her daughter would win or something because they keep screaming about how they were lied too by the show and what not. So when this cheezy game show got around to picking the final two they picked the best conflict between the two players that hate each other the most.

It should be fun. Catch the replay this Saturday and the finale on Sunday if you want to see some old fashioned bitchy cat fighting.

Vodka and cranberry bitch.

Celebrity Apprentice was on last night and it was another fiasco. The task was that the two teams were supposed to run a hotel. The men decide to make Dennis Rodman the Project Manager. That is roughly equivalent to having Bernie Madow manage your money. Oh wait a minute.

Anyway the teams have to do everything from cleaning the rooms to getting theatre tickets to arranging pedicures. Rodman actually set a record for being coherent. He lasted a whole four hours. Beating HD house’s record by about, four hours. His great idea is to park fancy cars outside the hotel. The reaction of the members of his team can be summed up the three letters: WTF. Throughout the whole task Brian McKnight looks like he wishes he could just kill Rodman out of hand. The one guy who could do it is Hershel Walker but he is too classy and soft spoken. Hershel is genuinely puzzled by Dennis. He just doesn’t understand Rodman. At all.
Anyway there are the usual twists and turns. A room full of gay dudes hate the lady golfer who they torture with room service demands. I guess gay guys and lesbians really don’t get along at all. Zach? Titus? Your input please.

The boardroom turns serious as the men lose but Jesse James makes an impressive and heartfelt plea that Dennis Rodman has a big time drinking problem. Which is of course obvious to anyone who has been watching. Now Jesse calls him an alcoholic. That’s not true. Alcoholics go to meetings. Rodman is a drunk. He isn’t organized enough to go to a meeting. I have developed a lot of respect for how Jesse James carried himself in this game. He tells the truth and is an honest and intelligent guy. He points at Walker and Rodman and says they are two of the greatest athletes in American Sports. He said to compare the two of them. It is a savage point. There is not much you can say after that. He also says that Dennis is on his way to bad end. That is also pretty obvious. As is the fact that Trump doesn’t give a shit. This is just a TV show. So he fires Rodman and jus t shakes his head.

As they all walk out of the room Jesse James hugs the poker player babe who is the best player on the other team. I can see it coming down to the two of them. In fact the only three people with an actual brain in this show are the poker pussy, Jesse James and Brian McKnight. Trump will rearrange the teams next week to contain both men and woman. So whichever team has two of those three will kick ass. And if they are all on the same team forgetaboutit. Which I will now do about this show.

Dennis Rodman is a useless knucklehead.

Well I caught the Celebrity Apprentice this Sunday and it was another suckfest to coin a phrase. The team leaders were Brian McKnight and the Model bitch whose name I can’t remember. The big hype was that Dennis Rodman was screaming at little midget Clint Black who didn’t back down. It’s almost like he knew it was fake or something.

Anyway Brian McKnight was smart. He did exactly what I would have done. He said Rodman is useless a total moron who could barely complete a sentence and was drunk and incoherent all the time. You know the full hd house. So Brian said go sit over there I have no time for you. This Jesse James guy did a great video for this video phone they were pimping by going to West Point and filming a soldier as though he was calling home then Brian did a great concert and got everybody shaking their booty. So to speak.

Now the girl’s team had no cohesion and was totally incoherent with a shitty story and a lot of stuff that didn’t make any sense. It was almost like it was written by hd house. Melissa Rivers jumped in to make the trains run on time and Joan Rivers did the mike work and told so ok jokes. But they were so bad that the guys finally won a task.

In the boardroom it was a complete catfight with the model bitch and Melissa going at it.
Most unsightly since no pillows or jello were involved. Anyway Trump dumped the model bitch and that was that.

This show is running out of steam rapidly. The celebrities suck. But next week they seem to stage an intervention to get Rodman to stop drinking the whole day long. Good luck with that. Still the passing an accident by the side of the road rubberneck rule still applies.