You've got Mail

To: Reverend Al Sharpton
From; Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: The Election

Hey Reverend Al hows it hanging. Better than that mo Bruce Jenner I bet.

Listen I want to talk to you about supporting me this time round for President. I know you don't have a dog in the fight since nobody can follow your boy Barack so you have to look around for sumtim else if you know what I mean.

I need your help to become the first woman President. Now you know you want to be part of a historic first. What could be better?

To help you along I decided to make some changes. I think you will approve.

Toodles,
Your Soul Sister
Hillary

You've Got Mail

To: Senator Rand Paul
From: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Re: Your ridiculous questions about abortion

Dear Rand. Your fascist father made a big mistake when he named you after his favorite author. He should have named you after the literary character you most resemble. Lenny the retard in "Of Mice and Men."

I noticed recently you replied to a question about abortion that you would answer it when a liberal would answer a question about aborting a seven pound baby. Well let me answer that one for you.

It can be this fucking big and we can still chop it up!

Of course I would support aborting a seven pound baby. Or a ten pound baby. Or one that can walk and talk. I don't care if it can survive outside of his mothers womb. Why does the weight matter? It is totally up to the whim of the woman. If she feels mentally distressed in any way than that doctor can go in and chop up that fetus like it is the shrimp special at Benihana. Don't you know that woman have fought to have the right to kill their babies no matter what?

And don't give me that religion bullshit. As I have said before deep-seated cultural codes, religious beliefs and structural biases have to be changed. That fetus is just a blob of cells until it is old enough to contribute to the Clinton foundation.

Abortion now, Abortion tomorrow, Abortion forever.

You've got Mail

To: Geraldo Rivera
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: Fund Raising

Dear Jerry.

I can call you Jerry. I want to talk to the rich Jew side of you not the slimy Puerto Rican side. That kind of man will kill your brother.

Anyhoo I have to let you know that I really need to raise some money to pay for my campaign bills. Bill and I have been trying to scratch by on a few million of dollars a year and we don't want to use any of that to pay my campaign bills. Since your great success on the Celebrity Apprentice  I know you would be great at raising money for my campaign. I know I can count on you.

Call me.

Toodles,
Hillary

You've Got Mail

To: Dakota Johnson
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: Fifty shades of Grey

Hey Dakota.

How ya doing.

As you might know I am running for President and I would like you on my team. Especially since you are familiar with the Fifty Shades of Grey. So I need your advice.

You see my pubes are just about fifty shades of grey and I wonder if I should dye them so I will look younger on the Campaign Trail. Sometimes it shows through my pants suits. Especially my powder blue ones that are my favorite.

So I was wondering if you could stop by my Campaign Headquarters to sneak a peak. I value you opinion. With your help we can lick this problem.

So to speak.

Toodles
Hill.

You've got mail

To: Candy Crowley
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: My Campaign

Hi Candy. Long time no see.

As you must know I have announced that I am running for President and I want to get all my ducks in a row. I want to be sure you are on board. Just like you were on board for the three-way we had with Bill in college. I remember those days fondly although it was I first developed my antipathy to Bush. I hope you have been doing some grooming since those far away days of yesteryear.

In any event I expect the same help in the debates that you gave to Obama. That right wing douche Hugh Hewitt is going to be there and trying to make it fair. We can't have that. If the Republican is scoring any points you need to intervene and throw him off track by spouting lies and nonsense to confuse him and defuse the situation. I have enclosed some videotapes of the Grand Wizard of Wrestling serving as a referee in a match between Bruno Sammartino and the Iron Sheik. Use his performance as a guide. Especially the part where he threw salt in the Living Legends eyes.

Otherwise I might have to put some photos on the Internet. Who wants that?

Toodles,
Your Pal
Hillary

PS. I am still spitting out hairs. Get a trim girl. Seriously!

You've got mail

To: The Chairman of MTV
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
CC: Martha Quinn, Mark Goodman, JJ Jackson, Nina Blackwood

Dear Sir.

I would like to arrange an interview on your wonderful music channel. Bill and I watch it all the time. We especially enjoy the Michael Jackson, Madonna and Duran Duran videos that are on constant rotation. My advisors think I should do something to bring my message to the young people and I think doing an interview with one of VJ's is just the thing.

I want to be relevant and dare I say "cool." I think being on MTV will be groovy.

Please let me know what time will work for you. My schedule is open these days since I have wiped out my server and do not have to comply with any more pesky subpoenas.

Call me.
Hillary.

You've got mail

To: Robin Thicke
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: My Girl Miley
CC: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cryus, The Guy with the Bullwinkle hat

Hey loser.

I see where you just lost a lawsuit because you were ripping off Marvin Gaye. I know the feeling because my campaign is ripping off my Uncle Saul Alinsky all over the freaking place.

I just want to tell you to leave my precious alone. She is a big girl now and is going to work under me in various positions. Just like Huma did back in the day. I need to reach out to the crackers if I am going to beat Jim Webb that racist hillbilly. So Miley will do the trick.

She will do a lot of tricks.

Just leave my precious alone.

You've got mail

To: Adam Levine
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
CC: Blake Shelton, Ce Lo, The guy with the Bullwinkle Hat

Hey Adam.

I just wanted to drop you a line to congratulate on the success of your great Music show "The Voice." Although I only watch American Idol I have recently had a chance to meet your co-star Christina and have found a couple of good reasons to catch your program.

I also wondered if you might like to get involved in my campaign. Ever since the problems with Bibi I need someone to reach out to the Hebes. How about it bubbe. There are a few sheckles in it for you. I know that is what your people respect.

Hope to hear from you soon and have a good Shabbos.

Toodles,
Hillary

You've got mail

To: Rep. Trey Gowdy
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re; Email server
CC: President Barack Obama, Bob Scheiffer, Lanny Davis. James Carville, Kreskin, Sandy Bergers pants.

Representative Gowdy.

This email is to officially inform that I will not be turning over any of the emails on my own private server. Although I did conduct official business on this account I feel I do not have to comply with your subpoena or any Freedom of Information Act requests at this time. I have printed out all of the relevant emails and had them transported over to the State  Department so you can ask Lurch about them. I believe he is storing them with his Vietnam medals and the hat he wore in Cambodia.

This transfer was effected by the most secure method possible. Sandy Berger brought them over in his pants. That is how we usually treat sensitive documents.

I have erased all of these emails on my server and the remaining emails only revolve around personal matters such as my daughter Chelsea's plastic surgery and the contributions to the Clinton library from our friends in Saudi Arabia, Iran and Venezuela. Nothing to see here.

In conclusion I have one thing to ask you. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've got mail

To: Nancy Pelosi
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: Your support in the Iowa Caucuses.
CC: Emily's List, Ellen Degeneres, Huma Weiner, The Fifty shades of Grey guy

Hey Nance.

What is this I hear that you are looking around to see who you will support in the upcoming primary season. Specifically in the Iowa caucuses.

I must say I am very hurt. After all the good times we have shared. That trip to Russia while Bill was  President. My last vacation in Napa where you came to meet me for the wine and quirm tasting. That time when I went to Kosovo and they shot at me. I thought we were Scissor sisters?

Who would you support? That perv Clueless Joe Biden? Fauxahontas? That drunken lowlife Jim Webb? Seriously who else is there?

Please come with me to Iowa. It will be like the old days. Let me show you what I can do with a strap on ear of corn. You won't regret it. I promise.

You've got mail

To: Camille Paglia
From: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton
Re: Our college Days
CC: Bill Clintion, Ellen Degeneres, Oprah, NOW, Emily's List

Dear Cami,

I have been reading  your latest screed and I must say I am very disappointed. I see where you go after Bill again about that stupid tramp Monica. Get over it already. It is no big feminist issue.  I don't care if he used young girls to service him so I can concentrate on implanting my plans for world domination. Don't you remember all those times in college when we were in the steam room at Lucille Roberts talking about how we were going to topple the patriarchy and take over the world? I mean then you could put your finger on it. I mean you always put your finger on it.

Don't you remember the good times?

By the way I still have those pants. Huma wears them now. She loves to get into my pants.

Please be a dear and donate some of your vast riches to the Clinton foundation or at least use my Amazon portal to show your appreciation for my activities as a model for women. I think I deserve much more than obscure college professors who are drunk and disorderly even if they do write about you on their failing blogs.

Toodles,
Hillary.

You've got mail

To: James Carville
From: Secretary of State Hilllary Clinton
CC: Donna Brazile, Lanny Davis, Debbie Wasserman Schulz, Huma Weiner
Subject: Optics

Listen Snake Head.

I told you to watch the optics as I am getting ready to run for President. It is vitally important that we conceal what I intend to do as President or we will never win. We have to follow Obama's template and lie our asses off and pretend to be normal and not show our hand.

Optics like this where we show our true selves do not help.

If you don't straighten up and get this right I will call Axelrod and the ballerina and the rest of those greasy Jews. It will cost me more but they know how to do it. If they can get a Muslim elected twice just imagine what they can do for me.

This is your last chance.

You've got mail

To: Jeffrey Epstein
From: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
CC: William Jefferson Clinton, WNBC To Catch a Predator, Shouting Thomas

Dear Mr. Epstein,

I must ask you to cease and desist in your attempts to contact President Clinton to invite him to parties on your own private island. As much as he enjoyed those trips in the past....he must decline because of the obvious reasons that I do not need to detail here. I know you are disappointed as you and Bill had some good times in the past but that is in the past and can never be repeated.

As a small recompense I have arranged for George Stephanopoulos to dress in a tuxedo and stand on the tarmac of your private airstrip to shout "The Plane...the Plane" before your next party. Perhaps that will suffice.

We have already planned our vacation for this year before the run up to the 2016 presidential race. Bill and I will be staying at our good friend Shouting Thomas's camp for wayward Filipino school girls in Woodstock New York. I would appreciate if you do not contact Bill in the future.

If this is a problem then I suggest that we meet in person to discuss. We can meet next Thursday at Fort Marcy Park near the cannons at 3 am as this is the only time I have available. Oh and please wear clean underwear. Your family will thank me later.

Toodles,
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Secretary of State

You've got mail

To: Huma Abedin
From: Hillary Clinton
cc: William Jefferson Clinton, Ellen Degeneres, Candy Crowly, Emily's list

Huma.

I miss you.

Please come back to work for me. You dropped the rug rat and your husband doesn't care about you. He is too busy whacking his bag and sending naked selfies to bimbos he met on the Internet. I have spoken to your handler from Iran and he has no problem with you coming back and will increase your stipend accordingly.

I really miss you.

As you can see I have been working out and I am ready for the run for the Presidency. I am tanned, rested and ready. And wet.

Call me.

PS: Hey Slick Willie. Suck it loser.

You've got mail

To: Ambassador Stevens
From: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
cc: CIA, FBI, NSA

Ambassador Stevens please don't be such a pussy. The demonstrations in Benghazi is really just a bunch of towel heads letting off steam. You are in no danger whatsoever. If anything happens you can be sure that the full power of the United States will be exerted to protect you and the embassy.

I have your back.

I mean what are they going to do? Storm the embassy and kill you or something? Get real.

I enclose an attachment to allow you to donate to the Clinton foundation. I am making up my lists for my Administration in 2016 and I have several open positions that you might be interested in the future. If this method does not work you then you can always use my Amazon Portal to order your holiday gifts. This is a great way for you to show your appreciation for my work as Secretary of State. These powder blue pant suits will not wear themselves you know.