I have been pretty tired

We have been burning the candle at both ends lately. Running around to the fabric stores. Dealing with the contractors. Searching out furniture and fixtures. And with all of the wife decides to rearrange the bedroom.

We put the bed against the window to get the breeze and she decorated the room and made it all nice and stuff.

I just like to sack out but if she enjoys fixing it up whatyagonnado?

Mirror, mirror on the wall..........

How much do you fucking cost after all?

After the Doctor we went for a walk down Atlantic Avenue as we always do. It is our only short break during a very busy week. So we go into this joint and we start chatting with the owner. She was in the same position as a lot of store owners in Brownstone Brooklyn. She had been in the same spot for thirty years. Last year her lease was up and her landlord doubled her rent. She stuck it out for a year but is going to leave after a year. So she is trying to sell off as much as she can and will sell the rest on the internet.

Anyway we are looking for stuff to decorate the back store. It will be French Boudoir style and there were several pieces that Lisa fell in love with. In particular the seven foot tall mirror you see in this shot. It is very impressive and dates from the 1800's supposedly. So I want you to guess how much?

No really guess? More than that. Seriously.

I was wrong I had a lot of fun

I was pretty tired at times during the night but I would just find an overstuffed armchair to sit for a minute to rest. But we got in plenty of dancing in the various rooms and walked around to see what was up. Lisa got to take a million shots. The I-phone has really revolutionized taking pictures let me tell you. She must have take a million shots.

But here favorite set of shots had to be with the guy on stilts. She even did a bunch of "facies" with him. She is a maniac.

Which masque should I wear

Not only do I have to wear a masque to look like a gay caballero .....I have to choose between two of them. So I get to suffer twice as much.

So what do you think? Basic black or with the laser cut and cubic zirconia's that make me even fruiter?

I can't mask it!

Because I am screwed this Valentines Day. I am going to a French themed Masquerade Ball in Lower Manhattan. It is shaping up to be a fiasco of the first water.

First of all we are scheduled for a major snowstorm on Thursday so the streets could be a mess. We are going to have to take a cab all dressed up but wearing snow shoes or something to walk into the joint. I will have to leave our bobsled at the coat check or something.

Of course we had to get the premium package. Which means we got the dinner seating. So that should be interesting. We are going with another couple that I have never met. Well I take that back. I have met the wife who is an old friend of my wife from back in the day. They reconnected through Facebook but haven't seen each other in person more than twice in ten years. The husband I have never met.

I don't worry about that. I can get along with anyone. At least for a night. The only bad thing is that I can not drink. That always helps a lot when you are in these situations. Plus when other people are drinking and you are not it is pretty tough. I don't know how the Mormons do it.

At least I will be able to Masque my boredom. If it comes to that.

Lovely .....Don't you ever change

On top of Spaghettti

She won't let me eat pizza...

When the wife heard I had a slice of pizza every day she got really pissed. I am supposed to be cutting down.

I said I am cutting down.

To once slice a day.

Seriously. Give a brother a break ya know what I means!

NORTON YOU'RE A BLABBER MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In her continual effort to drive me crazy the wife decides she might want to get a dog. Not a real dog. A Labrador or German Shepard or a Dalmatian for crying out loud! A freakin teacup poodle!!!!!!

You see our cousin has a dog who is a little who-er. During the hurricane this little poodle humped every dog in site and they are dropping litters left and right. She tells Lisa and she decides she might want one. Now she doesn't like real dogs. Too much work. Too much mess. But a little frou-frou one might be "Cute." So she says!

"Cute."

Fuck. Now I am going to have to carry the fucker around like Ken in the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." His wife (also coincidentally named Lisa) makes him carry little Jiggy in every scene. The freakin guy looks like a demented Rod Stewart carrying a rat dressed up like Elton John.

So I have a quandry. I mean I love dogs. But frou frou dogs not so much. I will end up taking care of it. But it will make her happy. So what should I do?

I decided that we can get the dog if we name it "Norton." If she is gonna dress him up she can put a little fedora and t-shirt and vest. This way I carry it around I can yell at it in all the old Honeymooner's quotes.

"Norton stop barking. You're a blabbermouth"

"Norton Address the Wee Wee Pad. HELLLLOOOO WEE WEE PAD!"

Maybe I won't look so stupid.

It's a thought.

Did I ever tell you my wife is crazy.....

All she does is love to decorate and she went all out this Easter again. She broke out all the bunnies and made little Easter gift bags for all the kids.

They not only got to have fun but the got swag too!!!

In the bag.

The wife wants to buy this bag as a present to herself for filming the show. I can't tell you how much it costs because Sixty Grit and AllenS would come to New York and kick the crap out of me. But she deserves it. Just saying.

I really hope she is the Jamacian Mary Poppins!

We are interviewing the new maid today. I never thought I was gonna have a maid. We always did that stuff ourselves. The wife is a neat freak and is always cleaning and yelling at me when I am making a mess cooking or whatever. But we work about 80 hours a week and we have no time to clean or do laundry or what not. I used to send the laundry out but it is more economical to have a maid do it. She also works three days a week in the store. We have a pristine looking store, By a mile the cleanest on Court St. Everything dusted and cleaned every week. Nobody does what we do.

Our current maid quit this week and we are interviewing. This one lady is from Jamaica but had moved to England when she was a kid so she has a Jamaican/English accent. I told the wife "Well you didn't get Hazel but maybe you got Mary Poppins." The wife went crazy....she loves Mary Poppins. She has been singing Mary Poppins songs all morning.

We made up a list of questions. I only had one. Would she wear a funny hat and carry an umbrella?

Do you know why Santa had to go to the sex therapist?

He only comes once a year. And that's down a chimney.

I got eight fuckin Santa Clauses all over the fuckin house. They have mink coats and fancy decorations and kinds of crazy shit. The wife really loves Christmas. This year we are having a party which we haven't done the last few years. So I have to do all the cooking which I love. It will be all the greatest hits. Roast Pork. Stuffed mushrooms. Tortolini's in cream sauce with peas and pancetta. Caprase salad. Bracoiles. Meatballs. Sauaages with roast potatoes. It is a lot of work.

But not as much work as putting up all those fuckin Santa's and candles and wreaths and garland and every other freakin thing. The only thing that saves me is the wife knows how much I hate it so she has the girls from the store come over to help her decorate. I just have to lug it down from the closet.

And sit on my chair and nurse an eggnog.

Merry Christmas. Bah.

Shouldn't a living room look lived in?

The wife has been going crazy lately. We were on hold for our big project so to take her mind off of it she decided to do some decorating.

First off she took our sofa and sent it out to get a new dress. Which is what she called it. You see the couch originally came from "Domain" which is some big shit furnishing joint. But it has lost it's fluff. Sort of like Titus at the end of the Halloween parade. So we sent it out to get new upholstery and new stuffing and down and the whole fuckin' works. Now I researched it and it was cheaper to do that because to replace it with a comparable worth piece would cost four times as much. You see it was solidly constructed and the bones of it were fine. The springs and the woodwork were as good as new so it just had to be tarted up. Of course we had to chose a red brocade uphostelry because we are using a turn of the century bordello motif.

I thought I had a photo of it but I don't. So I will post it later in this continuing series.

Then we got these wacky long frames that hold a bunch of pictures. Of course we had to take it to the fancy frame store to get matting to match the decor. Once you get married you learn about a lot of new shit. Pillows. Thread count. Matting. Scones. What the fuck? Why not spend more on the fabric in the frame than the cost of the whole fucking frame itself. It does look good. We are getting some of our favorite photos redone in black and white so it will look like Wegee put his work on the wall of the whorehouse that AL Capone owned on Boardwalk Empire!

Of course you can see the holiday decorations on the chandelier and the piano bench in the corner. And the purple settee that she also got so we could have a sort of conversation pit. The red couch has not made it into this photo but I will post one soon. The settee was very uncomfortable to sit on for a long time so it was moved from that spot.

There are a lot of details you can see if you click on the photo. One in particular I know that Titus would enjoy. But for you drunks out there you can see one of my three liquor cabinets catty corner next to the rolling bar. Lots of crystal and shit in there too.

The only thing that is really me is the Archie bunker chair that is set up in front of the TV. And if you look real close in the very bottom of the frame you might glimpse a white sock. That's me.

Because I think a living room should look like somebody was living in it. Just sayn'

This freaking bullshit hurricaine is fucked up

The wife killed me today. We had to wrap up everything in the store and close up at three. Then I had to go and lay in supplies. So I made raviolis tonight with a nice basil sauce.

But worst of all I had to tie down all the yard furniture and put all the stuff in the shed and put everything against the wall and whole bunch of bullshit.

I don't like to do this shit. Fuckin Bloomberg.

Butterflies are free and my wife is crazy!

Remembrances of Things Pabst

So we haven't been in the wine and cheese place for a couple of weeks because we have been busy with the holidays and work and what not. But after being somewhat disappointed in the What Not to Wear episode we decided to drown our sorrows.

We get there and place is kind of empty. There is only this hipster dofus couple and quiet meek serial killer guy who is always there eating his lonely meal contemplating slicing up little girls. We sit down and get some wine. And lo and behold she had lentil soup that she made especially for me.

So we are sitting there and the wife is staring at the hipster dofus couple. The wife goes to me "Hey that girl looks exactly like the crazy American Idol girl who got hit by a truck." "Who Alexis Cohen? The girl who gave Simon the Finger?" "Yeah her. Do you think she would be mad if I ask her to stand up and give me the finger with both hands and yell out Fuck You Simon? I can take a picture." "I don't think they have a sense of humor honey. Somehow I don't think that they are going to appreciate it. Let it lay ok?" "But why not, com'on let's ask them." "Eat your panini and cut it out. If you want I will ask the serial killer guy to talk about rabbits." "You're no fun."

Did I ever tell you my wife is crazy?

Did I ever tell you my wife is crazy?

Did I ever tell you that my wife is crazy?

My daughter is going back to Florida today and before she left she wanted to do something she hadn’t done in a long time. Ride the Cyclone in Coney Island.

For those of you who don’t know, the Cyclone is the 80 year old roller coaster which is one of the most famous roller coasters in the United States. Our little cousin the elf heard that at the Communion on Sunday and begged to go too since her dad the FBI agent would never let her go on any rides or even go to Coney Island because he thought it was too dangerous. Now I practically grew up at Coney Island so I kinda know the ins and outs of it so I wasn’t that worried. I mean you can catch a rough crowd but most of them are just there having a good time on the rides with their family. Even the thugs are just people with their kids and such and if you treat people with respect you are usually just fine.

Anyhow they made plans to go there in the afternoon yesterday. They were just going to go on the Cyclone, have a hot dog at Nathan’s and come back to the store. But as almost always happens the store got in the way. We were busy and one thing led to another and they didn’t get a chance to get away. A heavy hitter came in at 6pm and started buying and all of the concentration went to that as it should. In the meantime the wife’s sister brought her daughter for a sleep over so she could hang out with my granddaughter. Anyway we don’t get finished till 9pm when the last customer leaves. And the wife goes “OK let’s go we are all going to Coney Island. Including the pregnant sister. (Grandpa is old, he gets tired). But what Lee Lee says goes so we all troop off to the mini-van. Me and six women getting to Coney Island at about 10pm.

We have to park a couple of blocks down Stillwell Avenue in front of the Aquarium and walk up to the Cyclone. My Daughter and the Elf get on and ride it a couple of times sitting in the first car and screaming their ass off. My wife convinces the guy running the ride that she should be able to go inside and take photos of them as they wiz by and they are very happy. But since we are there we decide to go into the amusement area for a little while. After all it is only 11pm and only Grandpa has to get up early to go to work.

So we pass the geek show with the world smallest horse, and the strong man and they incredible two faced lady which surprised me because I thought she would be busy blogging. Anyway, it was surprisingly busy for a Monday night near midnight. The consensus of all the crazy women was that we had to go on one more ride and they chose the Wonder Wheel. This is the giant Ferris Wheel you see in all the photos of Coney Island. My sister in law couldn’t go because she is pregnant but I got tickets for the rest of us. As we approach the gate, the carney guy goes you want one that swings or not. The wife goes “What’s the matter with you, one that swings.” So we all pile into this bucket of scrap and get lifted up slowly and slowly and slowly and then it hits the spot and it swings back and forth wildly at almost a speed that can do a complete circle. Now we went back to the house after we closed the store because all the girls wanted to pee before we got to Coney Island cause they scieved the bathrooms there. While I was waiting I poured myself a big pint glass of vodka and cranberry, heavy on the vodka. Just to calm Grandpa’s nerves you see. Anyway here I am hundreds of feet in the air being swung back and forth in a metal box at what seems sixty miles an hour with a bunch of screaming women. Let me give you some advice. If you are going to mix up your vodka and cranberry, due it before you put it in your stomach.

We finally finish the ride and everyone is happy. I put a kibosh on Nathan’s because it was too late for the kids to eat greasy hot dogs but I told them I would get some pizza on the way home. We stopped off at Hanley’s on Court St and I got a couple of take out pies. They were still open because Monday is gay night and those guys always want to eat something late. So to speak. There were a bunch of tiny little dogs tied up outside like it was a biker bar with motorcycles. But at least in Brooklyn you can get a couple of great thin crust pies at 1 in the morning.

We eventually got everyone to bed at around two thirty in the morning. The wife was very happy.

Did I ever tell you that my wife is crazy?