Via con dios gringo!

Penny said:

My second thought is about NYC folks being used to enclaves, and how that somehow feels different when you spend time in a place where the "enclave" appears much less diverse, and you might even be the minority John Doe.

Heck I know you go to Miami, so you are used to seeing Hispanics in large numbers. But somehow this is different for you.

Interesting

What is different is that the Mexican culture is dominant for some much of the area. In New York it is contained within a five block radius or so. So the Chinese in Sunset Park, the Dominicans in Washington Heights, the Hondurans in Corona, the Irish in Woodside are sort of contained. The Mexican culture here seems a lot like the orthodox Jewish culture in some place like Borough Park, totally dominant and ubiquitous.

I wasn't upset in the least, I just thought it interesting how less diverse it is than New York.

But you can get a lot of roses cheap.

Driving in my car, wait it ain't my fuckin car.

Man all we did is drive today on the freeway for what seemed like forever. We drove to the fashion district in LA to the Mart for the Fabric show. Bumper to bumper. The woman who was driving has a Mr Magoo thing going on and I was scared shit less. How do these people do it?

Give me a subway car with a homeless guy pissing in the corner and an insane beggar shouting in your face any day of the week.

Hey BIg Boy where the hell is Bob?

I never made it to Bob's Big Boy and although we saw a lot of In and Out Burgers, our distributor took us to this joint for lunch. It's called the "Farmers Boy" and it has a set up which is kind of weird for a New Yorker. You go up to the counter and order the fast food stuff you want. They take your order and you pay. Then the give you a plastic number tag and go to your table and put it in a card holder and later a little Mexican guy brings you your food. So it is sort of half fast food joint and half restaurant. When I gave the kid a tip he looked at me like I had two heads. I guess nobody tips. I didn't get this set up.

The next day we went to a similar joint called the "Corner Bakery" that had the same set up. Only they had a lot of soups and salads. Same Mexicans though.

The section of town where the textile joints are is very Mexican. Actually in the Farmers Boy we were the only non Mexicans we saw. All the street signs are in Spanish and pretty much everyone you saw was Hispanic. They had a whole bunch of flower shops across the street so it must be the flower district too.

Some of the people we met had a lot to say about that. But in New York there are many ethnic enclaves like Flushing Queens where every sign is in Chinese. Maybe because I am the grandson of immigrants this doesn't shake me up so much.

Oh speaking of shakes. The shakes at this joint sucked. Just sayn'

Holy Rag Trade Batman!

Hey we are in LA and went to a fabric warehouse. It was about 90 degrees in the shade and there were 4 floors of fabric. You have to look at the fabric, take a sample and then figure out if you should make it into a dress or a top or a skirt or whatever.

Now I don't know enough other than to say what should be what. You can tell what feels good and what is a distinctive print. But I let the wife and our friend the manufacturer make the call. I am just the native bearer who carries the bags and staples the swatches to paper and make notes. You know like the natives in the Jungle Jim movies. Luckily I don't have to carry one of those giant baskets on my head.

The smog and dust was giving me enough of a headache.

Well I made it in one piece.

We made to Cali in one piece despite the fact that we had to leave the house at 5:30 in the morning. We had an eight o'clock flight and of course we didn't have time to pack so we stayed up all night and went straight to the airport.

We were flying Jet Blue which had two big advantages. It is cheap and they have direct TV so I was able to watch the Giant game. Did I tell you lately that the Giants are going to win the Super Bowl?

Jet Blue flew right into Long Beach Airport where a friend was picking us up. When you got off the plane it was like it was the fifties. You walk down a stairway onto the tarmac next to the plane and walk to the minialistic terminal. It was the place where rinky met dinky. But it was quick and we got out of there pretty quick which is all that matters.

We are staying in Huntington Beach at the Hilton and it seems to be a good hotel. We upgraded to a suite and it wasn't ready yet so we went for a drive along the pacific coast highway and went to a few of the small towns along the way like Seal Beach and
Laguna Beach and what not. We stopped for lunch and even went into an open house to see what you can get for a couple of million dollars in California. There seemed to be an open house sign on every other beach house so it was pretty interesting.

We finally got into the room and it is pretty sweet. We have a terrace that looks over the ocean and it has two chairs. So we ordered a bottle of wine and some snacks and are going to watch the sun go down. How knows if we drink enough we will sneak down to the beach and do some chubby dipping.

I wonder how late the hot tub is open?

Hey Stella knows her French

So to speak.

A little video for your enjoyment.

Dude you better rethink this ya know.

So this couple comes into the store and the wife has to get a dress for a wedding. Her husband was all up in her face the whole making inappropriate comments and generally being a dick. I mean he was an insurance agent so I guess that goes with the territory. The woman was very dramatic and acted out a lot. He was one opinionated pain in the ass. At one point she was wearing a great new line that we have imported from France. She loved it but when she came out of the dressing room he said "you look retarded." Lisa wanted to kick the shit out of him. I mean we didn't care if you don't like the clothes that's fine. But don't put your wife down like that in front of a store full of people. Not cool.

Anyway after they left the consensus of opinion of all the women in the store both workers and customers was that the dude was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I wasn't paying that much attention but I did remark 'You know she reminds me of Liza Minnelli with the way she popped her eyes and was so dramatic." Everyone was "Yeah that's who she reminded me of...so that makes the guy David Gest."

You get all kinds of people when you are open to the public.

What's the most likely?

For our new poll we have to decide what is the most likely thing to happen when Trooper York is out in the wilds of California next week:

He gets a big burger at Bob's Big Boy.

He goes to the Dodger game and yells at Joe Torre for nine innings.

He has to get mouth to mouth from one of the Baywatch Babes after drowing in the Pacific ocean.

He gets frisked in a frisky way by Police Woman Angie Dickensen.

Leah Remini cuts in front of him and Blake at the deli line and he has to spank her.

Rude comments and stupid shit welcome.

We have a Winner....sorta

Well our poll of the worst plastic surgery mugs is over and in an upset win the Bride of Wilderstein won with a 3 vote margin. The results:

The Bride of Wilderstein 16

Nancy Pelosi 13

Joan (Ultimate Evil) Rivers 12

Heather Locklear 6

Meg Ryan 2

You people do not know what you have done. Cthulhu will not be pleased. She must always win. Beware .....Beware.....BBBBBBEEEEEEWWWWWAAAARRRREEEEE!!!!!!!!

Hell needs a new PA Annoucner.

(Hell’s Broadcast Booth at the PA microphone)
Lucifer: Ok let’s get the next one up here. Who do we got? And it better not be another fuckin’ Indian because I hate talking to them whenever I have to fix my computer.
Susan Atkins: Welcome father, finally I am home to lay at your feet do homage to you my lord.
Lucifer: Oh one of Charlie’s girls. He’s a good boy. My favorite son actually. Well except for Keith Olberman but I know he is an acquired taste. So you want to be the PA Announcer?
Susan Atkins: Anything to serve you my Dark Lord I am yours to command.
Lucifer: Yeah, yeah that fuckin bowing and scraping shit doesn’t work with me. The big guy upstairs likes that. If you are on your knees it won’t be to pray to me bitch. Okay here’s your copy, start reading.
Susan Atkins: Right away Master…. (She hits microphone) ATTENTION!! ATTENTION ALL THE TOURTURED SOULS IN HELL….a few announcements. Will Billy Sunday, Aimee Semple McPherson and Jim Bakker please report to the chapel to listen to a endless loop of the memoirs of Casanova….will Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Captain Ahab and Helen Keller report to the potato sack field for the 40 mile potato sack race with the fire demon partners…will Ava Gardner, Laurence Oliver and John Barrymore report to the Devil’s Theatre in the round to perform the collected works of Pauly Shore to an audience of Florida snowbirds…will Cecil B De Mille, Frank Capra and DW Griffith report to the Screening room to view the latest video of fake militia troopers kidnapping brave liberals just concocted by Satan’s favorite minion Eli Blake. Thank you.
Lucifer: Not bad Suzie, not bad. I will let you know. Take her away boys (Two burly demons grab the protesting Manson family member and drag her away kicking and screaming)
Susan Atkins NOOOO!!! NOOO MY LORD!!!! I ONLY WANT TO SERVE YOU UNTIL MY TRUE MASTER ARRIVES!!!!!
Lucifer: Yeah, yeah enough of that shit. Hey send her over to eat with her father. That fuckin diet is enough to make anyone suffer.
Demon: Yessssssss mmmmaaaaassssstttttteeeerrrrrr!!!!!!!!!
Lucifer: Damn I wish we would have got Patrick Sawzye. That fucker could dance. But he went straight to heaven along with anyone else that met Whoopie Goldberg and didn’t kill her right on the spot. You know sometimes the after life is just not fair.

For you guys who like to fight with Montana Urban Legend at other nasty places on the internets...

Just know that we are all entitled to our opinions and personal styles. Some of us are verbose, others pithy and some like me are simply demented. But know that the man has talent when talking about what is really important.

Not politics. Not liberal vs conservative. Not Democrat vs Republican. No not even Obama.

He is lyrical and most insightful when talking about the one most important thing in the world:

Pussy.

Just sayn'

These things always seem to happen to me.

So I am running around with last minute details for our trip. One of them was that we had a huge mound of clothing that we had to bring to the Salvation Army as the wife has gone through her closet and purged a lot of stuff. So I had twelve really big garbage bags full of clothes and shoes to bring. Now the problem with the Salvation Army is that it is a pain in the ass to get them to come and pick up the stuff. You have to call weeks in advance and then you have to wait for them to come pick it up. So I decided to just have our worker drive me right to the Salvation Army store on Atlantic Avenue and I would bring right into the drop off section.

Now the problem with our car is that we just move it from one side of the street to the other to comply with alternate side of the street parking regulations. I mean I don' t think we put a hundred miles on it in the last year. It is so bad that we have to get a boost from Triple A about once a month. Even all the hoses and stuff rotted out because the car wasn't being used. So we decided to let our worker drive it home just to get it a workout while we were away. She has been one of my wife's best friends since they were in the first grade so I am not worried about the car. And as you know I don't know how to drive so I ain't about to do it. So we were going to the store to pick up the clothes and run them over to the Salvation Army.

The other problem with the car was it was kind of filthy. When the wife was driving it regular she would take it to the car wash every week. But since we don't use it, it collects dust and dirt and leaves and what not. So it was going to the car wash to be cleaned and detailed. It was kind of must inside so we opened the window to let in the air and like a jerk I decided to open the sun roof. Now one thing you have to know about Carroll Gardens is that we have a lot of trees. All over the place. Every block has huge trees growing out of the sidewalk providing shade and coverage everywhere. They often stretch out over the avenue like a canopy. You don't really pay attention to it. But you should. Especially if you opened the sunroof.

You see we stopped at a light and wouldn't you know, it was under a tree. And in that tree was a bird. And that bird had an upset stomach or something. Because at that moment he decides to take a dump. Right through the sun roof. On to my head.

Now the wife's friend was laughing her ass off. The crossing guard was peeing her pants. Passersby stopped and pointed. Everyone had a grand old time.

My only solace is that it is supposed to be good luck.

Something I will really need in my sojourn in the land of fruits and nuts.

Why does this shit always happen to me?

Plus model causes two douchebags to quit.

In London's fashion week, designer Mark Fast decided to use two plus size models to walk the cat walk in his designs. Now these girls were only a size 12 so it's not like he was using someone who was a size that was any different than what the majority of women in the entire fucking world are at. But two members of his "team" quit. His "stylist" and his "creative designer" quit right before the show because they refused to work with "plus" models. The prejudice and hatred that most people in the fashion industry feel toward anyone who is not a size zero is literally astounding to me.

What is normal is that the stylist is a fuckin' idiot as most of them are. They have no concept of how to dress a plus woman and have no idea what to put on them. It ill behooves any ready to wear manufacturer to work with these morons if he wants to market his design to the majority of consumers both here and in the UK. But they continue to make the same mistakes.

The only way to combat this stupidity is to make cool clothes that women want to wear. That's why we are going to California to get that ball rolling faster that it is already.

I salute Mr. Fast, he is one designer who has the right idea. We need a lot more like him.

Some people have no shame.

So one of the competing stores and websites has gone onto Face Book and tried to friend everyone on our list so they can get them to come to their website. I mean how low rent is that?

These same cunts posted a link to their site after every mention of our store. They must spend all of their time googling us to put in these links.

I have to come up with a proper response. Can you make your friends shielded on Face Books. One of you internet geeks have to help me out here. Thanks.

Holy cow Batman, character actors make a lot of dough.

Hey over at Hector Owen's great blog Kiarian Lunch he has a post that they have found a the largest and most valuable hoard of Saxon treasure that world had ever seen!

Now I knew John Saxon was in a lot of movies and TV shows but who knew he could save up all that dough. I mean the dude was in Medical Center or Police Story every other week but still!

I can only imagine how much Edie McClure has squirreled away.

I think I am in the wrong business.

SHE"S ALIVE!!!!! AAAAALLLLLLIIIIIVVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!

No wear near as scarey as the broads in our poll.

What a first date eh...."Friend...Friend"

The Bride of Wilderstein

Lord Byron: The crudest, savage exhibition of Nature at her worst without, and we three, we elegant three within. I should like to think that an irate Jehovah was pointing those arrows of lightning directly at my head, the unbowed head of George Gordon Lord Byron, England's greatest sinner. But I cannot flatter myself to that extent. Possibly those thunders are for dear Shelley - heaven's applause for England's greatest poet.
Shelley: What of my Mary?
Lord Byron: She is an angel.
Mary: You think so?
Lord Byron: Do you hear? Come, Mary. Come and watch the storm.
Mary: You know how lightning alarms me. Shelley darling, will you please light these candles for me?
Shelley: [laughing] Mary, darling.
Lord Byron: Astonishing creature.
Mary: I, Lord Byron?
Lord Byron: Frightened of thunder, fearful of the dark. And yet you have written a tale that sent my blood into icy creeps.
[Mary laughs]
Lord Byron: Look at her Shelley. Can you believe that bland and lovely brow conceived of Frankenstein, a Monster created from cadavers out of rifled graves? Isn't it astonishing?
Mary: I don't know why you should think so. What do you expect? Such an audience needs something stronger than a pretty little love story. So why shouldn't I write of monsters?
Lord Byron: No wonder Murray's refused to publish the book. He says his reading public would be too shocked.
Mary: It will be published, I think.
Shelley: Then, darling, you will have much to answer for.
Mary: The publishers did not see that my purpose was to write a moral lesson. The punishment that befell a mortal man who dared to emulate God.
Lord Byron: Well, whatever your purpose may have been, my dear, I take great relish in savoring each separate horror. I roll them over on my tongue.
Mary: Don't, Lord Byron. Don't remind me of it tonight.
Lord Byron: What a setting in that churchyard to begin with. The sobbing women, the first plod of earth on the coffin. That was a pretty chill. Frankenstein and the dwarf stealing the body out of its new-made grave, cutting the hanged man down from the gallows where he swung creaking in the wind. The cunning of Frankenstein in his mountain laboratory, picking dead men apart and building up a human Monster, so fearful - so horrible that only a half-crazed brain could have devised. And then the murder! The little child drowned. Henry Frankenstein himself thrown from the top of the burning mill by the very Monster he had created. And it was these fragile white fingers that penned the nightmare.
Shelley: I do think it a shame, Mary, to end your story quite so suddenly.
Mary: That wasn't the end at all. Would you like to hear what happened after that? I feel like telling it. It's a perfect night for mystery and horror. The air itself is filled with monsters.
Lord Byron: I'm all ears. While heaven blasts the night without, open up your pits of hell.
Mary: Well then, imagine yourselves standing by the wreckage of the mill. The fire is dying down. Soon, the bare skeleton of the building will be dissolved. The gaunt rafters against the sky.

Lord Byron: Perhaps a red carpet?

Mary: No milord. That would be Cthulhu's domain. That horror is beyond my ablities to describe.

(The Bride of Wilderstein, 1935)

IT LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoever speaketh of Cthulhu shall remember that she but seemeth dead, she sleeps, and yet she does not sleep, she has died and yet she is not dead, asleep and dead though she is, she shall rise again. Again it should be shown that
That is not dead which can eternal lie,
and with strange aeons even death may die.
(H.P. Lovecraft, Reviewing the Celebrity Apprentice, People Magizine 2008)

It's all there in black and white.

"So Trey what do you think of my new look."
"It is very nice Selina. I am glad that you decided to change up from the leather catsuit."
"Oh don't worry I still have my leathers. But this will be more professional in my new job."
"What would that be Selina?"
"Oh there is an opening as office manager at Sterling Cooper a famous advertising agency. It seems that they think I had the qualifications. At least that's why they hired me."
"And what where those qualifications?"
"Well it the sixties Trey. I have the biggest tits."
"Oh."
"Would you like to see my qualifications...I bet you would...Trey...Trey...why are you so red and how come your eyes rolled back in your head?"
"Hamana...hamana...hamana...urrrrpppphhhhh!!!!!"
"Maybe I should just change back to my leathers. You can watch you know.....oh dear he seems to have fallen off the chair."

Look what I found in Senator Kennedy's office.

"Damn it Jim, how can I help you prepare to be Senator when you are always screwing around."
"I'm not screwing around Boner."
"THAT'S BONES NOT BONER DAMN IT!"
"Sorry Bones. I just think this is very important for my new role as Senator. I know Senator Kennedy thought so. Look how it is inscribed.....For the Taxpayer."
"Oh that explains it."

WHAT HAVE THEY DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I am sorry Khan but I don't have time to play with you. The good people of Massachusetts through their governor have named me Senator and I must go to fill the rather substantial seat of Senator Kennedy."
"Damn you Kirk who is Kennedy."
"You remember him. He had the unfortunate accident where he crashed his ship with a white hole into a black hole. It was on all the monitors. Goodbye Khan."
"Wait...come back....our tale is not finished.....He tasks me! He tasks me, and I shall have him! I'll chase him round the Moons of Nibia, and round the Antares Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up! Prepare to alter course!"
"Don't try to follow me Khan. I have removed you dilitilum crystals. I am afraid you are stranded on this barren planet once again. Heh."
"No. No, you can't get away. From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."
"Right there Khanny old boy. Jeeez you're starting to sound like my ex-wife. You're just lucky
Ceti Alpha Five doesn't have a swimming pool."

I' m a scared Norton!!!!!!!!!!!

The posting has been light as we are preparing to go to Cailfornia to meet with manufacturers and textile makers to make new clothes.

I am shitting. What if there is an earthquake? Or a riot? What if the Menace to Society BoysNtheHood want to do a drive by while I am buying bloomers at the LA fashion mart? How do I get around? Where's the subway? Why is everyone Mexican or Vietanese?

I don't like this. I don't like to go out of my comfort zone.

I mean shit, what if Leah Remini cuts in front of me in the deli line?

Welcome back cuz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey I am totally delighted to say our friend and adopted cousin Ron of Fluffy Stuffin' is well on the road to recovery and back dropping bon mots in our comments section.

You gave us all a big scare big fella, cut that shit out.

I need all the fellow aficionados of feminine pulchritude like Joan Holloway that we can get since Simon is staying cloaked.

Seriously, the prayers and best wishes of all your blog friends have been answered and I am sure you will make a full recovery.

Hey the Saints are coming to town- Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Beth said...
Just looking over the upcoming Saints schedule and it appears in the next month we play the Bills, Jets and Giants. Jeez, how many teams does one state need? Anyway, it's good we get to smack them all down at once. Maybe take in a nice musical while they're up there.

IT LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something terrible came to the hills and valleys on that meteor, and something terrible — though I know not in what proportion — still remains.

(The Colour Out of Space 1927)

Hey is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.

Hey Blake has a great post about artifical intelligence on his great blog the Bit Maelstom. I don't get into all this gobblygook about robots and how they will take over. I just know that if they are ever perfected, we know what they will be all about. Just ask the Jetsons.

Hey did you see what Sarah Jessica Parker wore to the Emmy's?

It was tree-mend-ous!!!!!!!!!

Things are not as they seem!

So you saw this picture and you said to yourself, this post has to be about sex. I mean a train heading into a tunnel! But it's not. It's about politics. Talk about really getting fucked.

You see I was coming home on the train today and I didn't have a book like I usually do. I always grab a book and put it in my bag to read on the ride home. Even if I just read a little and doze the rest of the way at least my mind is occupied. But I was off kilter today because we stayed up really late planning our buying trip this week and our trip to the land of fruits and nuts. So I just forgot.

Now when I am on the train all of these people have these fancy Ipods and what not and some of them even have computers. Me all I have is this AM/FM radio that I bought for about twelve dollars from Amazon. It was the cheapest one they have because you see it gets beat up all the time. I lost the back panel and I have already gone through about ten pairs of head phones. They get a tangled and get caught on stuff and rip and what not. But it is perfectly adequate for me. I can listen to sports talk or if I am bored with the topics I put on the WCBS FM and listen to oldies. Which is what I did today.

Now I change trains at Jamaica which is the main change spot on the LIRR. I switch to the Brooklyn train which runs down Atlantic Avenue which to me is just about the heart of Brooklyn. It starts out in a tunnel then goes up into an overpass out in the air and then back down into a tunnel till it hits Flatbush Avenue. When you are listening to the radio you get great reception when you are outside but when you are in the tunnel all you get is garbled noise where you understand two out of five words. Now if you are listening to the oldies station you know the songs by heart so you are singing along cause you know all the words. And you know it struck me. Listening to music in the tunnel is just like politics man.

You know all the words but it is getting all staticy and garbled and you don't want to listen to it anymore. It's the same song you have heard a million times before but it's just annoying to listen to now. It's time to shut off the noise and doze for a while. Turn it back on when we come out into the sun. Cause the train will always do that. It always comes out into the sun. We just have to wait.

Then we can enjoy the music.

Frenchy Fuqua's Shoes tells it all about the NFL

Yo slick waz the word? You knows what it is baby! THE BIG APPLE! Wait that was three words. Well what the hey I was never good at math, sssshhhheeeeetttttt I could play football after all.

Anyways both New York teams won. They both be 2 and 0 which is unbelievable. I mean I knows my Gints is gonna win the Super Bowl but who knew the dog ass Jets could beat the Pats. Holy shit that Brady boy be too tied fucking his supermodels to win ya know. The boy gots to save some of his sap for game time man. That’s what Coach Noll used to say. He would lock us up for the whole season and shit and we couldn’t none of us get any of the strange. Why you think Mean Joe Greene was so fuckin’ mean. Man he had a woodie you could pound nails with. Even that stupid cracker Bradshaw would start to lose it. Man I remember after we were eliminated one year he went right from the stadium to the ice skating rink cause he wanted to bang the shit out his wife that ice skating twat Jo Jo Starbuck. But the locker room was dark and when he went in and threw the bitch on the training table and stuck it in she was screaming and squirming in a high pitched voice and all. It turned out he grabbed Scott Hamilton by mistake. The fucker still lends letters to the pre-game show.

So Brady has to keep it in his pants doing the season so he can keep his powers. He looked like a fool although I have to say the Jet’s defense seems strong this year. I knew they would with Coach Ryan cause all them fuckin Ryan’s is crazy. I remember when his daddy Buddy punched the offensive coordinator on the sideline. Course his daddy lost the Jets job that Walt Michaels got cause he punched Leon Hess in the nads. These Ryan’s just can’t keep theys hands to themselves.

The Giants did to the Cowboys like I knew they would. You see Eli with that last drive. Man they gave him too much time. And those pussy Cowboys called that final timeout so the fuckin’ kicker had to kick it twice. You know they had to lose when they pulled that shit. That Tony is another douche bag who does all his playing with his cock. He’s the next coming of Norm Snead for crying out loud.

The Igles sucked dead dogs. Which probably made Vick happy. And my Steel Curtain lost to the Bears. The fuckin’ Bears? What the fuck did Dick Butkis and Gale Sayers come out of retirement. I thought they were dead and shit. What a bunch of pussies. Rothesberger or whatever his Kraut name is should spend less time humping the desk clerk and more time studying the fuckin’ game plan.

Tonight two more loser teams. The Colts and the Dolphins. At least back in the day Miami had all the good dope with Mercury Morris and shit. Now what they got. A lame ass ex-Jet at quarterback. And the Colts ain’t much better. They got the wrong Manning.

I ain’t even gonna watch the game man. They gots this new sitcom with the long legged blonde Darhma bitch. Damn that ho is hot. I think I am just gonna pour me a Hennessey and get some chips and sit back and laugh and laugh. Sort of what I did to the ‘Boys and the Pats this week. They looked like bitches too! Hee.

IT LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The odour rising from the newly opened depths was intolerable, and at length the quick-eared Hawkins thought he heard a nasty, slopping sound down there. Everyone listened, and everyone was listening still when It lumbered slobberingly into sight and gropingly squeezed Its gelatinous green immensity through the black doorway into the tainted outside air of that poison city of madness!

(The Call of Cthulhu 1926)

Laura Bush's Diary

So last night the twins and I were out late bowling and we stopped off for a few tequila shooters at the Roadhouse. How come there are never any bouncers who look like Patrick Swazye at the Roadhouse? I mean they all look like that Bobby/Elvis guy on Sons of Anarchy. Man there is no justice in this world.

Anyhoo I had quite a headache this morning when I came down to breakfast. Now W has this TV hookup that is mad sick. It has a six split screen capability so you can watch for incoming missiles from all over or all the NFL games at the same time. Now every one of there was tuned to a different news program and guess what? Barry O was on every fuckin’ one of them at the same time.

So I ask W what’s up? He tells me that Barry is trying to sell his health care bullshit which is going down the tube faster than Richard Gere’s gerbil on Halloween. I mean what does he hope to accomplish by saturating the airways this way. It’s the law of diminishing returns you know?

That’s Barry’s whole problem in a nutshell. I mean he was real popular when he got elected and he is squandering it by being on the TV all the time. What he has to realize is that all the people that built you up are going to enjoy tearing you right down to size. Your popularity is a fleeting thing and as soon as you get up on that pedestal, everyone will want to pull you down and do you dirty.

It’s like Elvis. You know how big he was back in the day? I mean he did it all. He sang, he acted, he wrote songs, and he was the ultimate sex symbol. Everybody wanted to be like Elvis. People wore their hair like him and try to copy his sneer when they sang. They would shake their hips like him when they danced and use his music to seduce women. But it all went wrong because of dick. Dick Nixon.

You see Elvis was on top of the world. More number one hits than anyone to that point. A multi-million dollar contract for sold out concerts in Vegas. I mean he was Celine Dion when she was still showing camel toe in her diapers. Elvis had it all. And then he went to the White House to meet with Tricky Dick. You see Elvis was tired of being an entertainer. What he really wanted to do was be a cop. So Nixon called up Hoover who was on his last legs and told him he wanted to make Elvis an FBI secret agent. But Hoover hated his guts because he felt he had popularized that “colored music” and had led to the degeneracy that was destroying the country. But Nixon insisted so Hoover had to acquiesce. But he had a secret plan.

The FBI had developed a secret serum that when ingested would make you indulge your appetites until you ultimately destroyed yourself with excess. It didn’t matter what the appetite was. They first tested it on Momma Cass Elliott and she choked on a ham sandwich. Then they sprayed it on a dildo that Jim Morrison was using with one of his groupies and he ended up drinking himself to death. So they dipped the pin on the super secret agent badge they gave Elvis so he would get infected. The only problem was that when Tricky Dick was pinning it on he accidentally pricked his finger. This was the only time that Nixon was ever accidentally a prick. So Elvis eventually ate and drugged himself to death on a toilet. And Nixon ended up indulging his paranoia to the point that he ended up getting impeached and losing everything.

We only found about all this shit when Poppy became head of the CIA and read some of their files. You see when he found out about it he got a vial of the stuff just in case he ever needed it. And wouldn’t you know one night old Bug eyed Barb mistook it for her FDS spray and sprayed her twat with it. She has been insatiable ever since. That’s why no midget wrestler ever lives past 30. Once Barb gets her hands on them she wears them down to a nub. And she is still going strong.

She is one strong and powerful twat.

Hell needs a new PA announcer!

(Hell’s Broadcast Booth at the PA microphone)

Lucifer: Ok let’s get the next contender up here. Travers you’re up next.

Mary Travers: (a bewildered folk singer is dragged up to the podium) I don’t understand why am I here? What’s going on?
Lucifer: You’re in hell sweetheart.
Mary Travers: How did I end up in hell? I did nothing but sing about peace and love and letting everyone love each other. How did I end up in Lucifer’s kingdom?

Lucifer: Well sweetie it was by popular demand.
Mary Travers: By popular demand? Who demanded it?
Lucifer: Oh lot’s of people. Every dude who had to listen to your bullshit songs and talk about how deep they were so he could bang some hippie chick. Plus all the children.
Mary Travers: The children, what children?
Lucifer: All the poor fucking children who had to sing that fuckin’ Puff the Magic Dragoon song at school assemblies. They all wished you would go to hell. And now you are here…and you know what….you are even more fuckin’ annoying than I thought you would be….boy’s take her away! (two burly demons grab her and start dragging her away)

Mary Travers: OH NOOOOOO!!! Please….where have all the flowers gone….please no stop….I promise I won’t sing….I only had good intentions...I swear......HHHHEELLLPPPPP!!!!
Lucifer: Take her away boys…..what are we going to do with her that would be appropriate… Hmmmm, I know……give her a hammer and let her work on paving the road to the entrance way. That just fits somehow.

She lives!!!!!!!

It seemed to be a sort of monster, or symbol representing a monster, of a form which only a diseased fancy could conceive. If I say that my somewhat extravagant imagination yielded simultaneous pictures of an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature, I shall not be unfaithful to the spirit of the thing. A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings; but it was the general outline of the whole which made it most shockingly frightful.
(The Call of Cthulhu 1926)

Smarter than your average bear!

New York Post (Weird But True) September 20, 2009

He's got an appetite for construction.

Much to the chagrin of hardhats, a menacing white polar bear used to raid the garbage bins in their northern Russian construction site.

But now the ferocious bear has become the yard's unofficial mascot. Workers say he now forages peacefully for food.

They were originally going to name the foraging bear Al Gore but he wasn't fat or hairy enough. So they stuck with the name Whitey after the term of endearment that President Obama had for his grandmother.

Will you marry me, Not!

New York Post (Weird but True) September 20, 2009

A woman morphed into a major bridezilla after she learned her pricey dress, which she purchased 15 years ahead of the big day, was stolen from the dry cleaners just two days before she was to finally tie the knot.

Police in Osnabruck, Germany, said the Brazilian-born bruising bride decimated the shop, tearing garments and flipping out Thursday.

Her fiance Montana Urban Legend called off the engagement as he felt she was not the girl for him. "It was bad enough that she ripped me a new one, who needs that. If I want to be abused like that I will comment on that nasty blogger lady's site."

Hey what he said!

So I had to give a speech today. Actually yesterday and today. At both Masses. The bishop started a new program where he was trying to increase the collections at the weekly masses. Now nobody wants to hear about money and how they should give more. I know I feel that way.

But the bishop mandated that they wanted a parishioners should also speak not just the priest and the pastor asked me to do it. So I reviewed the financials of both the parish and the diocese as whole so I could speak intelligently.

Of course I couldn't give a technically speech with numbers and all boring stuff like that. So I decided to talk about pizza.

You see when I was a kid my mom would give me a quarter to go the pizza store and I would get two slices and a grape drink. Then on Sunday should would put a dollar in the collection plate. Now a slice of pizza costs $2.50 or so! Are you still putting that dollar in the plate. Com'on people. Put two slices of pizza in there for the baby Jesus.

Let's wrap up that sale.

Our wrap dresses are really doing well this month. We put some extra fabric in strategic spots so they won't gap open like a lot of cheap wrap dresses tend to do. With our signature sleeve and heavy fabrics that conceal a lot of stuff they have been flying. This is the new one which we call the blue squares. Most women come into the store and say "I have to many black dresses. Do have anything in another color." So you put them in a great print like this and the fit is on the money and they go "Oh this is great, does it come in black."

Problems of a shopkeeper

Its pretty funny what is happening in the plus industry. The majors have opted out and are not making clothes in our size range. So the choices are very limited. Te small contractors are starving. We have been giving them a lot of business by doing small limited runs that at least lets them keep their doors open. But you don't get any credit for that. They still try to rip you off.

The one thing they are generous with is gossip. They rant and rave about the manufacturers who are skipping out on their bills and it's funny when they approach you to sell their goods and you know that they are jumping from factory to factory ahead of the bill collector. Worse is this one manufacturer who claimed her fabric came exclusively from France and we found out that she buys it from the same joint that everyone in LA does. You see you can't lie about anything in life. The truth always comes out. It's a lot easier to just tell the truth and let the chips fall way they might.

So in a couple of weeks I am going out to LA to check them out and see if we can come to an understanding. We might have to smack them around a little. It seems that most of them are immigrants from cultures who have no respect for women and our manufacturer is a woman who they don't show the proper respect for, so we have to nip that shit in the bud. So to speak.

Problems of a shopkeeper

So I am pretty sure I got ripped off of a pocketbook while we were in Florida. We don't have those tags or a security system that sets off a buzzer or any of that jazz. We have pocketbooks and jewelry all over the store and the only way we can keep track of it is by eye. So when I see a lot of people in the store I stand out there in get in the face of people and engage them in conversation. So they know I am watching.

But while we were away we were watching on the in house camera over the internet, it seemed that everyone was very interest in what they were doing at the counter and stood with their back to the store and the people in it. They needed to pay attention. So I would call them up and say "Hey stupid turn around and pay attention....whatever you are doing can wait a minute while you pay attention to what is going on in the store." But we weren't looking on camera 24/7 so we must have missed this.

What someone had to do was put the handbag on her shoulder as though she was trying it on, tucked in the tag and when no one was paying attention just walked out the door wearing it like it was hers. And we are out about $300 because of course they picked the most expensive hand bag in the store to rip off.

Attention must be paid.

Ok which is the worst botched botox bitch

Usually at Trooper York we celebrate the female form in all it's glory. But you know we love you as you are. We don't want you to get botox or liposuction or lap band or any of that other shit. I mean just be who you are. And we will love you. Long time.

So here is your chance to vote for who is your worst nightmare. Who would make your johnson shrivel up like dipping it into the ice bucket. Your choices:

Joan Rivers (The biggest bitch on the planet, may her twat rot off)

Nancy Pelosi (I would cry about the violence but my face can't move)

The Bride of Wilderstein (you know she had to make the list)

Meg Ryan (You got mail bitch and it is from puffy face town)

Heather Locklear (TJ Hooker would jump on the hood of the car to get away from you now)

Ribald comments and insults welcome.

Also write in candidates are encouraged.

Remembrance of things Pabst

I don’t know how it is in the suburbs, but in Brooklyn in the neighborhood that I have lived in all my life you get into habits. When you have reason to walk down a street you will do it sometimes for years at a time. Maybe you are going to school or to a particular store or even to visit a friend. But sometimes the reason you have to walk down that street goes away and you don’t walk down it for whatever reason. And then you do and it is all the same but so much different if you can understand what I mean.

I went to visit my uncle in the Cobble Hill nursing home where he is rehabbing after his operation. He had forty four kidney stones if you can believe it. He has Alzheimer’s and goes in and out but for some reason he always recognizes me. So I brought him a filet over broccoli and some eggplant parmesan. He refuses to eat a lot of the food they have in the place so he dived right into the stuff from Vinnie's. I visited with him for a while and then my cousin and his wife came so I left so they could visit.

Now the nursing home is on Henry St and I decided that since it was such a nice day I would walk to the store. I was walking along the street that I don’t think I had been on for ten or fifth teen years or so. Shit maybe twenty five years. I noticed the little wine bar on one corner and the new Chinese take out place. Then I got by Kane St across from PS 29’s. Now my grand aunt, my grandmother’s sister had a vegetable store on that corner when I was kid. She was a holy terror. She was a real old school entrepreneur. Or in real terms a freakin bitch on wheels. During Prohibition she had her husband brew up wine in the cellar and she sort of set up a bar in her apartment. When the longshoreman would get paid she would have them come to her apartment and play cards and eat macaroni and drink wine all night until she got every penny of their paychecks. With that she bought about six brownstones in the neighborhood. Whenever anybody couldn’t pay the taxes she would swoop in and get it for a song.

My grandmother lived in one of those brownstones on Henry St between Degraw and Kane Street with my uncle. I used to go to her house every day when I was kid. My Catholic grammar school was around the corner so my dad used to drop me off at around seven in the morning before he went to work on Wall St. and I would walk around the corner for school at 8:30 or so. I spent many an hour there before and after school. I walked past the old house and it seemed so run down. I guess the people who bought it from my aunt really let it go downhill. The stoop was chipped and door was shabby and the railings needed to be scraped and repainted. You see my grand aunt thought she was so smart. She gave each of her six kids a house when she retired to Florida and they all eventually sold out and followed her. They got such a great price. About $100,000 at the time. Of course now they are all worth well over a million. As usual greed and karma strikes back and they lost out on the boom.

Anyway to get back to the vegetable store, my aunt always made Jelly Apples. She had a little hot plate with a pot on it where she would melt the jelly and then she would spear an apple on a wooden stick and swirl the apple around and around till it was really coated. You let it cool off for a minute or too and you had a great treat. The kids always wanted jelly apples because it was just about the sweetest thing you could get to eat. It would rot the teeth right out of your mouth. The moms thought it was ok because it wasn’t like it was a candy bar. I mean it was fruit so it was healthy right? We would all troop in there after school and get jelly apples. And my aunt always gave me one for free. And slipped me a quarter. For some reason she liked me more than the rest of the cousins or even some of her own grandkids. She used to call me her little “Irishie” because I was half Irish. And when she slipped me a quarter she would say “Take-a good care of my sister, capice.” You see I think she felt guilty about how she treated her but could never come out and say it. It was our little secret.

When I was walking down Henry St kicking the leaves that are just starting to fall I could almost taste the jelly apples and hear my friends yelling to come play fistball in the schoolyard. I could smell the sauce bubbling on the stoves and the bleach as the old timers cleaned their sidewalks. I got up to the limestone building when the vegetable store used to be.

It’s a Laundromat.

It's all there in black and white.

"Well Trey it seems we are back in our old routine."
"Yes Selina I am glad you are not wearing your cat suit. I think we can get deeper into your problems that way."
"I always want you to get deeper Trey. You should know that by now."
"Heh, heh let's try to return to normal if we can Selina."
"But I hate normal. I like it different. Do you notice anything different about me Trey?"
"Did you change you hair Selina?"
"Not where you can see Trey."
"Urrrpppphhh!"
"But look I got a tatoo. Do you like my tatoo. I put on one of my rich creamy breasts. Trey?"
"Urrrpphhhh! Ah well I have a tatoo too Selina."
"Oh Trey it is beautiful. And look you are all sweatty. Can I lick it off with my tongue Trey. Meeeooooowwwww!!!!!"
"Hamana-hamana-hamana-uurrpppphhhh!!!!"

Plastics Benjamin, Plastics!

Well the Green Army men ran away with the poll. It was no contest. The results"

Green Army Men 23
Slinky 8
Easy Bake Oven 7
GI Joe with the kung fu grip 3
Poor Mr. Potato Head 2

And the one thing we found is that we all liked to blow up or burn or melt our green army guys.

What a bunch of freaks.

I am so proud.

My Rifle, My Pony and Me

Hey it's time for what's important in life.

How about those Cowboys?

Hey Lawgiver is afraid to come around when the New York Giants are going into Dallas to whip his puny Cowboys. The Boy's could barely beat the pathetic Tampa Bay Bucs for crying out loud.

Hey now that Kendra's husband got cut from the Igles, maybe Romo can hook up with her.

Cause she is into kinky shit. Just like Jerry Jones and the rest of the 'Boys.

Just sayn.

Hey the Army Men are running away with it!

The Army men are running away with our poll and a lot of the guys are reminiscing about the big battle scenes we used to set up and how you would destroy them by burning them up or blowing them up with firecrackers. I guess that's a guy thing because I know we all did that back in the day.

Of course what made it easy was that they were so cheap. I mean you could go to John's Bargain store and get a bag full for 50 cents or a double bag for a dollar. In those days if something was cheap and/or shoddy we would say "What was that made in Japan." So I guess we didn't value it that much. Or we just liked to blow shit up.

Anyway these are the German figures I used to have. Notice the potato masher hand grenades. One time we tried to fit them in Jeeps and play "Rat Patrol" like the TV show and stuff. But the soldiers were too big to fit in the Hot Wheels jeep and we had to melt them down to fit and it never worked out right.

I wonder if we made up a set of Muslim Terrorist plastic soldiers, could we sell them for the children's. Or would you get arrested.

Just Sayn'

Oops I did it again!

(Forrest Lawn Cemetery, Memorial Chapel)
“Brothers and Sisters we are gathered together to remember our brother Patrick Swazye. Patrick has waged a long and courageous battle against cancer and his life can be an example to us all. More than just and actor and a dancer, Patrick was devoted family men who was married to his childhood sweetheart and never let the temptations of Hollywood tempt him to jeopardize his family. He….what?”
(A sweaty and disheveled Kayne West rushes to the stage and grabs the microphone)
“Yo preacher…the dirty dance guy was great and all and I will let you get back to him in a minute…but MICHAEL JACKSON HAD THE BEST FUNERAL OF THE YEAR…in fact the best funeral of the decade.. I’m just keeping it real yo…straight up (two security guards grab him and start dragging him down the aisle)…Yo waz up with you fools…. I’m just truthin’ …you got to respect me for bringing you the down home truth to you’ all….Stop it…don’t taze me bro….ATTICA, ATTICA…. (The guards throw him out of the chapel)…RRRRRAAAAACCCCCCIIIIIISSSSSSTTTTTTSSSS!!!!!!