(A despondent and exhausted Hitchens starts awake on his urine stained sheets. He doesn’t know if what has happened was a dream or reality. Of course that was nothing new for him. He often had trouble deciphering what was real and what was an alcoholic blackout dreams).
Voice: Hitchens, Hitchens, old boy.
Christopher Hitchens: What is this shit? Am I being haunted by Charles Nelson Reilly?
Dr. Zachary Smith (the one from the TV show, not the movie) No, no dear boy. I am the Ghost of your Christmas future.
Christopher Hitchens: Wait aren’t you that fey fictional doctor from Lost in Space who was always trying to felch the robot. Didn’t you have a very creepy and troubling relationship with that young boy on the show?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Who, young Master William. Really Mr. Hitchens that is just a cultural misapprehension. You don’t understand the future and our ways. You are not capable of judging me. After all, aren’t you an atheist? Such a medieval attitude. Anyway, you must come with me to see your future. Here step into this picture of a graveyard taken by an obscure law blogger with a Tim Burton fetish.
Christopher Hitchens: No, not a blogger. Isn’t she a famous diva? I can’t deal with their self-important portentousness.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Pot meet kettle.
Christopher Hitchens: Plus the comments. What self important drivel. Those fools think people care what they think. Babbling about nonsense, they should get a life.
Dr. Zachary Smith: It is your life we are talking about my dear boy. And it is not a wonderful life.
Christopher Hitchens: Can’t you plagiarize one story at a time?
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
Sunday, December 23, 2007
A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007 Part 4
(Christopher and Diana step through the pages of People magazine into a New York City cocktail party. A group of constipated men in bow ties with boney blondes in cocktail dresses are sipping appletinies and single malt scotch).
Christopher Hitchens: What is this place? Who are these remarkably ugly people?
Princes Diana: It is a meeting of the vast right wing conspiracy. Or the cafeteria at the National Review.. I always get them mixed up. I don’t have a good sense of direction now that I have a steering wheel stuck in my head.
(They listen to a conversation)
Jonah Goldberg: Well we can use Hitchens. He is a useful idiot. Let him take the hits from his journalist friends and the left.
Ann Coulter: John Edwards is a homo.
William F. Buckley: Blah, Blah, Blah, recondite adjective.blah, blah, obscure reference, blah blah blah, we can use Hitchens for our purposes.
K-Lo: I want to be Mitt’s third wife. Like Margene.
George F. Will Jr: He thinks that he is an independent thinker. Hitchens is a mere poseur, a dillettante, a dabbler in philosophies promulgated by the great minds of history. His celebrity can be useful to our aims. Let us him till we use him up.
Christopher Hitchens: Who does that bow tie wearing schmuck think he is? Bill Withers?
Princess Diana: He is just doing what comes naturally. What you think is your great individuality is just a tool for others to manipulate. Your current celebrity is a tool for forces greater than you know. Don’t think it has anything to do with you. You are a leaf in the wind. In fact some bored law professor might take a picture of you when you are blown through a graveyard.
Christopher Hitchens: That doesn’t make any sense.
Princes Diana: Such photography never does. Here look a shot of me with my riding instructor. Those spurs can really leave a mark.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
Christopher Hitchens: What is this place? Who are these remarkably ugly people?
Princes Diana: It is a meeting of the vast right wing conspiracy. Or the cafeteria at the National Review.. I always get them mixed up. I don’t have a good sense of direction now that I have a steering wheel stuck in my head.
(They listen to a conversation)
Jonah Goldberg: Well we can use Hitchens. He is a useful idiot. Let him take the hits from his journalist friends and the left.
Ann Coulter: John Edwards is a homo.
William F. Buckley: Blah, Blah, Blah, recondite adjective.blah, blah, obscure reference, blah blah blah, we can use Hitchens for our purposes.
K-Lo: I want to be Mitt’s third wife. Like Margene.
George F. Will Jr: He thinks that he is an independent thinker. Hitchens is a mere poseur, a dillettante, a dabbler in philosophies promulgated by the great minds of history. His celebrity can be useful to our aims. Let us him till we use him up.
Christopher Hitchens: Who does that bow tie wearing schmuck think he is? Bill Withers?
Princess Diana: He is just doing what comes naturally. What you think is your great individuality is just a tool for others to manipulate. Your current celebrity is a tool for forces greater than you know. Don’t think it has anything to do with you. You are a leaf in the wind. In fact some bored law professor might take a picture of you when you are blown through a graveyard.
Christopher Hitchens: That doesn’t make any sense.
Princes Diana: Such photography never does. Here look a shot of me with my riding instructor. Those spurs can really leave a mark.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007 Part 3
(Rolls over in a stupor, into puddle of vomit and unidentifiable fluids, he sits up and holds his head up with shaky hands)
Christopher Hitchens: Oh my head. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Voice: Christopher. Christopher Hitchens.
Christopher Hitchens: What now. Not another apparition. I don’t want to have more ghosts haunting me than ex-wives.
(A tall beautiful woman dressed in white with a large circular object behind her head walks through the wall and into the room)
Christopher Hitchens: I must be mad. It’s Princess Diana. Or I think it is. Aren’t you dead and buried? This is ridiculous. What a farce. What is that a Halo?
Princess Diana: No it is a steering wheel. I am still doing penance for my sins on this earth. That is why I must wear an automobile accessory as a hat and talk to inebriated Trotskyites. I am the Ghost of Current Celebrity. No one knows about the undeserved adulation of the masses more than I. Well except for Anna Nicole Smith. And she is visiting Lindsey Lohan today.
Christopher Hitchens: But you can not be angel. Not after your life of excess and infidelity. You are a cosmic joke. How can you be a messenger of some foolish deity, a deity that I do not acknowledge?
Princes Diana: You do not have to be saint to do his work. You just need to believe. To have faith. To trust in him and find peace.
Christopher Hitchens: Listen, I am not going anywhere with you. I am too drunk to drive. Didn’t you get in enough trouble the last time you did that?
Princess Diana: Have faith Christopher and anything could happen.
Christopher Hitchens: Everything except a Paki marrying a Princess. Then the shit hits the fan. Or the car hits the wall.
Princess Diana: Come and see what I have seen. Step with me into the pages of People magazine.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
Christopher Hitchens: Oh my head. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Voice: Christopher. Christopher Hitchens.
Christopher Hitchens: What now. Not another apparition. I don’t want to have more ghosts haunting me than ex-wives.
(A tall beautiful woman dressed in white with a large circular object behind her head walks through the wall and into the room)
Christopher Hitchens: I must be mad. It’s Princess Diana. Or I think it is. Aren’t you dead and buried? This is ridiculous. What a farce. What is that a Halo?
Princess Diana: No it is a steering wheel. I am still doing penance for my sins on this earth. That is why I must wear an automobile accessory as a hat and talk to inebriated Trotskyites. I am the Ghost of Current Celebrity. No one knows about the undeserved adulation of the masses more than I. Well except for Anna Nicole Smith. And she is visiting Lindsey Lohan today.
Christopher Hitchens: But you can not be angel. Not after your life of excess and infidelity. You are a cosmic joke. How can you be a messenger of some foolish deity, a deity that I do not acknowledge?
Princes Diana: You do not have to be saint to do his work. You just need to believe. To have faith. To trust in him and find peace.
Christopher Hitchens: Listen, I am not going anywhere with you. I am too drunk to drive. Didn’t you get in enough trouble the last time you did that?
Princess Diana: Have faith Christopher and anything could happen.
Christopher Hitchens: Everything except a Paki marrying a Princess. Then the shit hits the fan. Or the car hits the wall.
Princess Diana: Come and see what I have seen. Step with me into the pages of People magazine.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007 Part 2
Christopher Hitchens: Where are we you disgusting crone?
Mother Theresa: You look but do not see. (A small drunken seven year old boy is sleeping in a church pew surrounded by empty bottles of sacramental wine. His urine stained clothing reeks of alcohol, cigarettes and vomit. Suddenly the Church door opens)
Captain Hitchens; Christopher, where are you. Christopher come out this instant. My God, what have you done? (He spies little Christopher lying in a pool of his own urine).
Little Christopher Hitchens: (awakens in a stupor) Father. I am sorry. I just wanted to get closer to god. So I imbibed the Blood of Christ. All seven cases of it that was in the sacristy.
Captain Hitchens: Really. So defecating in the baptismal fount is getting you closer to God? (He takes his riding crop and begins to beat the boy)
Christopher Hitchens: (viewing this scene) My God. I remember this. It was in Malta in 1956. I haven’t been to church since.
Mother Theresa: Yes we know my son. Perhaps you should examine your past as clue to your current beliefs. Not everything is as you remember. A child remembers things as a child. A man must know the consequences of his actions.
Christopher Hitchens: Get away from me you fraud. Go feed the hungry and house the homeless. It’s all an act. A travesty. A road show for the yokels. You are not a saint. You are nothing but an alcohol induced apparition.
Mother Theresa: No, I am not a saint. I am a sinner. As are you. If you could but realize it and ask for forgiveness, you can be redeemed.
Christopher Hitchens; I call bullshit you boner nosed charlatan. I reject you and all you stand for. Leave me alone to my Jose Cuervo and limes.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
Mother Theresa: You look but do not see. (A small drunken seven year old boy is sleeping in a church pew surrounded by empty bottles of sacramental wine. His urine stained clothing reeks of alcohol, cigarettes and vomit. Suddenly the Church door opens)
Captain Hitchens; Christopher, where are you. Christopher come out this instant. My God, what have you done? (He spies little Christopher lying in a pool of his own urine).
Little Christopher Hitchens: (awakens in a stupor) Father. I am sorry. I just wanted to get closer to god. So I imbibed the Blood of Christ. All seven cases of it that was in the sacristy.
Captain Hitchens: Really. So defecating in the baptismal fount is getting you closer to God? (He takes his riding crop and begins to beat the boy)
Christopher Hitchens: (viewing this scene) My God. I remember this. It was in Malta in 1956. I haven’t been to church since.
Mother Theresa: Yes we know my son. Perhaps you should examine your past as clue to your current beliefs. Not everything is as you remember. A child remembers things as a child. A man must know the consequences of his actions.
Christopher Hitchens: Get away from me you fraud. Go feed the hungry and house the homeless. It’s all an act. A travesty. A road show for the yokels. You are not a saint. You are nothing but an alcohol induced apparition.
Mother Theresa: No, I am not a saint. I am a sinner. As are you. If you could but realize it and ask for forgiveness, you can be redeemed.
Christopher Hitchens; I call bullshit you boner nosed charlatan. I reject you and all you stand for. Leave me alone to my Jose Cuervo and limes.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007
(a sodden brit expat lies in sweat soaked sheets covered in snot and vomit. Suddenly he stirs as he hears a soft voice)
Voice: Christopher. Christopher awaken. I have come for you.
Christopher Hitchens (shielding his eyes) Who is it? Editors. Creditors. Auditors. Damn your eyes, step out of the light so I might see you!
Voice: It is I. the Ghost of Christmas Past. (A wizened Albanian woman wearing a nun’s habit steps out of the light).
Christopher Hitchens: Holy shit, it’s Mother Theresa!
Mother Theresa: No need for blasphemy my son. I am here to help you.
Christopher: I thought you were dead and gone.
Mother Theresa: No, I now live eternally with my Father in Heaven.
Christopher Hitchens: I don’t believe in that. You can’t be real. Are you Demi Moore without any makeup? Am I being punked?
Mother Theresa: No my son. You may be a punk but this is real. I am here to take you back to the Christmases that have gone before.
Christopher Hitchens: This can’t be real. I have to stop mixing tequila and aqua velva.
Mother Theresa: Take my hand and come with me.
Christopher Hitchens: You must be Catholic, you want to molest me.
Mother Theresa: Hush my son. You might act like a child, but now it is time to put childish things away and learn the truth of the word.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
Voice: Christopher. Christopher awaken. I have come for you.
Christopher Hitchens (shielding his eyes) Who is it? Editors. Creditors. Auditors. Damn your eyes, step out of the light so I might see you!
Voice: It is I. the Ghost of Christmas Past. (A wizened Albanian woman wearing a nun’s habit steps out of the light).
Christopher Hitchens: Holy shit, it’s Mother Theresa!
Mother Theresa: No need for blasphemy my son. I am here to help you.
Christopher: I thought you were dead and gone.
Mother Theresa: No, I now live eternally with my Father in Heaven.
Christopher Hitchens: I don’t believe in that. You can’t be real. Are you Demi Moore without any makeup? Am I being punked?
Mother Theresa: No my son. You may be a punk but this is real. I am here to take you back to the Christmases that have gone before.
Christopher Hitchens: This can’t be real. I have to stop mixing tequila and aqua velva.
Mother Theresa: Take my hand and come with me.
Christopher Hitchens: You must be Catholic, you want to molest me.
Mother Theresa: Hush my son. You might act like a child, but now it is time to put childish things away and learn the truth of the word.
(A Christopher Hitchens Carol, 2007)
Friday, December 14, 2007
McCain fires aide
Drudge Report December 14, 2007
In a related story, Senator John McCain has stated he will not make an issue of the fact that Rudy Giuliani was addicted to Rogaine throughout most of the 1990’s. Mayor Giuliani has admitted in his autobiography to abusing Rogaine, often buying it off street dealers to get the potent mixtures not approved the by FDA. This powerful rogaine called “China White” was distributed in Chinatown in the 90’s and was allegedly obtained by Bernie Kerick though his contacts from the prison system. Mr. Giuliani had admitted to experimenting with Rogaine while he was in high school and continued to dabble for years after that. However his addiction became a real problem while he was mayor and eventually led to a stint in rehab at the Hair Club for Men treatment facility in Palm Springs. Senator McCain has stated that the aide has been dismissed and that his campaign will not mention the mayor’s addiction to Rogaine. However he did feel the fact that the mayor married his cousin and didn’t live in Alabama was a legitimate issue……developing.
In a related story, Senator John McCain has stated he will not make an issue of the fact that Rudy Giuliani was addicted to Rogaine throughout most of the 1990’s. Mayor Giuliani has admitted in his autobiography to abusing Rogaine, often buying it off street dealers to get the potent mixtures not approved the by FDA. This powerful rogaine called “China White” was distributed in Chinatown in the 90’s and was allegedly obtained by Bernie Kerick though his contacts from the prison system. Mr. Giuliani had admitted to experimenting with Rogaine while he was in high school and continued to dabble for years after that. However his addiction became a real problem while he was mayor and eventually led to a stint in rehab at the Hair Club for Men treatment facility in Palm Springs. Senator McCain has stated that the aide has been dismissed and that his campaign will not mention the mayor’s addiction to Rogaine. However he did feel the fact that the mayor married his cousin and didn’t live in Alabama was a legitimate issue……developing.
Hillary fires aide
Drudge Report December 14, 2007:
A low level member of the Hillary Clinton Campaign charged that Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use was a significant cause of global warming. He stated that the Senator could not keep his crack pipe lit and kept flicking his lighter leading to a significant carbon footprint while he was in high school. Senator Clinton immediately denounced her aide, said she did not know he would mention Senator Obama’s cocaine use, did not think that Senator Obama’s cocaine use would be an issue, and hoped that the Republicans would not stoop so low in their campaign in the politics of personal destruction so as to mention Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use. She would not ask if he ever sold cocaine. She would not ask if he ever shared cocaine. She would specifically never ask if he ever shared any cocaine with white girls at a Superbowl party. She announced that the low level aide had resigned for mentioning Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use. She asked that we should put the questions about Senator Obama’s cocaine use behind us and that we should not mention his use of cocaine. However she did feel the fact that he did eat paste in kindergarten was a legitimate issue……developing
A low level member of the Hillary Clinton Campaign charged that Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use was a significant cause of global warming. He stated that the Senator could not keep his crack pipe lit and kept flicking his lighter leading to a significant carbon footprint while he was in high school. Senator Clinton immediately denounced her aide, said she did not know he would mention Senator Obama’s cocaine use, did not think that Senator Obama’s cocaine use would be an issue, and hoped that the Republicans would not stoop so low in their campaign in the politics of personal destruction so as to mention Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use. She would not ask if he ever sold cocaine. She would not ask if he ever shared cocaine. She would specifically never ask if he ever shared any cocaine with white girls at a Superbowl party. She announced that the low level aide had resigned for mentioning Senator Barack Obama’s cocaine use. She asked that we should put the questions about Senator Obama’s cocaine use behind us and that we should not mention his use of cocaine. However she did feel the fact that he did eat paste in kindergarten was a legitimate issue……developing
Steroids.
Well the Mitchel report is in and the Yankees are all over it. A lot of the lesser lights such as Knoblach, Mike Stanton and even David Justice are named. The big names are Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte. I am sorry for Andy, but that's what you get for being Roger's little bitch. I never liked Clemens and never wanted him on the Yankees. I always thought he was a big time phony and his touching the monuments before pitching was a lot of happy horse shit. So thank God we won't have to deal with him next year. Lets go to war with the young hard throwers and see what happens. If we move Matsui and put Damon in left, with Giambi as the DH, we could be ok.
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