The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes,

For perhaps the final time it is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must beseech you one last time to determine if you have considered the facts I have developed in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag.

It seems that he continues to be among the missing. Although the interest in his disappearance has completely ended and his so called friends have given up their inquires; still I must persist as it is my duty as a constable of Scotland Yard. I still must continue my official inquiry until an answer can be found to this dubious case of the disappearing Douchebag.

As I had previously noted I had attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. But it seems currently that all thought of the absent Douchebag has gone and no one mourns his absence. In fact it seems that Lady Chatterley and her erstwhile lover have taken to new pursuits. Perhaps to assuage the “so-called” grief that was supposedly engendered by the abrupt and unexplained disappearance of Lord Douchebag.

In the course of my investigation I had determined that Lord Douchebag had assumed a different nom de plume in earlier correspondence within this salon. He took the strange moniker of Captain Jonathan Nucleo and wrote of his supposed explorations of strange places but who always ended up expounding on his exploration of his female companions nether reaches. Most unpleasant to the extreme. He subsequently adopted his real title as Lord Douchebag and as operated as such ever since.

It seems that Lord Douchebag is far from the thoughts of Lady Chatterley’s and her man as they have found other pursuits. Lady Chatterley has continued to pursue her interest in fashion by purchasing many dress made from Venetian Blinds and her lover has given full range to his enjoyment of the culinary arts by learning to cook in an organic manner which seems to consist of eating vegetables without washing off the manure that fertilized them in the growing process.

Nary a mention has been made of Lord Douchebag has been made in quite some time so I feel my inquiry has come to a dead end as it were.

I again beg to inquire if you will turn your hand one last time to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Dr. Watson and that the incident with your Brother Mycroft and the ambidextrous Hottentot with the swollen glans has been resolved without any further disturbance to your routine.

Your obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

April 27, 1897