Laura Bush's Diary

So the twins I had just come back from the party store with this piñata that we had got for Alberto Gonzales birthday party. W loves to throw birthday parties so we are going to have the whole gang over on Cinco de Mayo for Berto. It’s not his real birthday but W insists that all Mexicans have to celebrate their B-days then so everyone just humors him.

When we get back to the ranch W is sitting on the porch in his wooden chair with one leg up against the porch post as he leans back as far as he can on the back two legs of the chair. He likes to pretend he is Henry Fonda in “My Darling Clementine” as he switches quickly from leg to leg. He only falls every fifth time or so.

Anyhoo when we drive up he gets up to help us carry the stuff inside the house. “Laura you won’t believe what that rascal Barry is up to now. He is going all over the television saying he is amused by the tea parties. Isn’t that a hoot?” I glanced at the girls and sure enough that little minx Jenna pipes up “Well he is even dumber than we thought because the person who throws the most amusing tea parties is Grandma.” I had to look daggers at her because she was going to let the cat out of the bag so I had to distract W with some shiny stuff so he didn’t ask any questions. And that little bitch Jenna just laughed while little Barbara got all red in the face and looked down at the ground in shame.

You see old bug eyed Barb used to throw some wild parties at the old Vice Presidents mansion at the Naval Observatory back when Poppy was in the Reagan Administration. Nancy was an old fuddy duddy so Barb had all the birthdays and showers and what not. Nancy couldn’t be bothered because she was too busy with her astrologers and messing around with Frank Sinatra and keeping Ronnie in line. So Barb was the party girl.

One day she called me up to tell me they were having a shower for the poor dumb bitch that was marrying Lee Atwater. Now I always thought Lee was a little light in the loafers but he was engaged and they decided they had to throw a shower for his bride. Now Poppy Bush was already getting Lee lined up to run his campaign so he volunteered Barb to do it and she was pissed. She always hated Lee ever since he told her she should die her hair because she looked like Poppy’s mother instead of his wife. So she carefully planned out her revenge.

Now normally I wouldn’t care because I love a good party. The bashes that I used to throw with Robin Byrd and Joey Heatherton when we were roomies in New York were legendary. I remember the time that Wally Cox puked up a condom on Meyer Lansky that almost got him whacked. Good times. But this time Barbara insisted I bring the twins who were only thirteen at the time.

So we get to the house and the whole female part of the administration was there. There was Linda Chavez and Libby Dole and that whore Peggy Noonan with all her fucking black and blue marks from where the Gipper used to beat her fat ass with his cordovan loafer. We were supposed to just have tea because it was supposed to be an afternoon tea party. But you know old bug eyed Barb. She just had to break out the booze. Soon everyone was knocking back tequila shooters and Lone Star long neck beers and laughing and shit. I even let the twins have a little taste. Little Barb took a sip and made a face and said no thank you but Jenna took to it like a duck to water. Now that I think about it I bet that wasn’t the first time she had a beer. That sneaky bitch.

Anyhoo we are drinking and laughing and telling stories about how small Rumsfeld’s dick really was when Barb gets up on the coffee table and demands our attention. She goes:” Enough of this bullshit you stupid cows…it’s time for the entertainment. Hit it Paco.” So the steward hits this Boom Box and out blasts “Its Raining Men” and a bunch of midget wrestlers come running into the room. I didn’t recognize all of them but I saw one of Barb’s favorites the Haiti kid. They are all naked to the waist and are running around and rubbing on these stupid broads and doing lap dances to all these old biddies. They are all so plastered that they were eating it up. And I mean that literally. I saw Linda Chavez grab one and put him between her tits and let him motorboat her. It just got wilder and wilder. I looked over at the twins and it was the typical reaction. Barb had covered her eyes and Jenna was laughing her ass off. I figured they had to grow up sometime and how much trouble could I get into since W’s mom was running the show. But then the shit hit the fan.

I mean you see this picture I have here? The Haiti Kid ran up to that dirty whore Peggy Noonan to give her a lap dance. But that worthless skank couldn’t leave it at that. She grabbed him a and started greasing him up with butter from the buffet table. Then she lifted up her skirt and stuffed him right up her gaping twat. It was amazing. It was like one of those nature things on the Discovery channel where a frog sticks out his tongue and swallows a fly or something. She greased the poor bugger up and slid his whole body up there till all you saw was his tiny little black feet feebly kicking out of her gaping vagina. That was the signal that we had to go. I grabbed the girls and ran out of the room. I had to swear them to secrecy because I didn’t want to get into it with W about his mom again. And that was the last tea party that we ever went to at the Bush’s house.

But I must admit. That tea party did amuse me. It was the most amusing tea party there ever was or ever will be.

Just one more thing that old Barry doesn’t have a fuckin clue about.