My dear Holmes,
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have any new information in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on and it seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern but who have gone on as though nothing has happened.
As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed their lips these many months and it is as if he never existed. They have seemed to turn their interests and efforts towards the collection of strange fungi which seem to have some strange hold on them such that they search them out before even breaking their fast in the morning.
It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have any new information in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on and it seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern but who have gone on as though nothing has happened.
As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed their lips these many months and it is as if he never existed. They have seemed to turn their interests and efforts towards the collection of strange fungi which seem to have some strange hold on them such that they search them out before even breaking their fast in the morning.
It appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. It is as if he was in fact a fictional character taken full blown from the imagination of someone who has tired of the ruse and gone on to other pursuits.
No replies have been made to the advertisement in the agony column of Wood Wind Weekly which has returned to its more normal pursuits of the examination in detail of the Lenten observances of constipated musicians. No further pleas have been sent in either the post or the other areas where one often found the Douchebags. It seems that they have hit a dead end as well.
I did notice that someone has made one last ditch attempt to locate the elusive douchebag. It seems that they have published a likeness of Lord Douchebag on several cartons that have been distributed with various products. I am forwarding one to you for your examination and comment. Perhaps this is the way we will finally contact the Douchebags. But somehow I doubt it.
Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.
I hope all is well and that you brother was able to straighten out that unfortunate business with Wiggens. I am sure his allegations are unfounded and that nothing untoward has occurred when he was caring for your brother’s rare clumbers. Sometimes street urchins have vivid imaginations.
You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
March 3, 1896
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