Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, May  31, 1962 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a mackerel that has been dead for quite some time)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I divorced Artie you know But I told you that already. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah we heard about that keed. That’s a shame.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. But everybody is treating me different. I told you that most of them have stopped taking my calls. Sinatra dropped. Dean won't answer the phone.  Even Jack won't let me visit him in the White House. I fucked him you know. Right in the Oval office under the desk where his children play. He stuck in me for about ten seconds and squeaked like a dog toy and came it two seconds. Why did he drop me Joe? Ain't I a good lay?
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? They all fucked me. Every one of them. I banged them all. Frank. Dean. Joey Bishop. I even did a three way with Sammy Davis and Mel Torme.  That's right. I fucked that little picaninnies eye right out with my nipple. I showed him who had a golden fuckin' throat. I did em all Joe. So you ain't nothing special.
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all.   WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed)
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Sammy Davis. That little spook.  Tell Frankie Carbo I want to see Bumpy Johnson here tomorrow.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. They got rights now. Someday they will be running this fucking country. You wait and see. You don't want your fingerprints on this.

 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

The Summer of Boo Boo

Our life as a loving family was shattered when we got our first video cassette recorder. We didn't sit as a family and talk anymore. Instead we sat and stared at the TV. We would go to the Jellystone Blockbusters and rent movies. Everybody had their favorites.

Papa Bear would rent videos of "This Old House" and his favorite Westerns. He was a big Gabby Hayes fan. He said he looked like a Bear.

Sister Bear loved any movie with a Princess in it. "Snow White." "Sleeping Beauty." "The Princess Bride.""Rear Window."

Honey Bear liked Sesame Street and Bugs Bunny.

Brother Bear loved "Die Hard" and "Roadhouse." He was always trying to act like a bouncer at the campfire. He loved to kick Gentle Ben in the nuts.

But Mama Bear got weird. She was really into porn. Most of all she loved to rent "Taboo." She started to style her hair like Kay Parker. She tried to hang around with Aunt Peg when she came to visit the park. And one day when Brother Bear came home from school she decided to act on her forbidden desires and......well that was where it all went wrong.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

Suspender of Disbelief

You really have to wear your suspenders of disbelief if you watch episodic television these days. Take Person of Interest which is a show I used to enjoy. The problem is that it is going the way of Law and Order into the world of political correctness and tokenism to the point that you can't watch it anymore.

In the last episode the person they have to save is a brilliant heart surgeon. The best in New York City. And she is a hot chick in her twenties. Oh and a Lesbian. A hot beautiful black lesbian who is married...yes married to a hot blond.

Does this chick look like the best heart surgeon in New York?

I have to give up on another program that is just too predictable and politically correct.

It's bad enough that "Once Upon a Time" has a black dude play Sir Lancelot but that at least is a fairy tale. Why does every crime show have to be one too?

Whose that author?

“I'm a survivor. I was thinking about what you said, and you're absolutely right - I have to let go to continue. This devastating news is not going to slow me down. I'm my own person. I always have been. I've never believed in those people who blame everything on their parents - you know, I'm a fuck-up because my father was a fuck-up. Or I'm a drunk because my mother was an alcoholic. So my father was a hit man? Maybe. So he murdered my mother? Maybe. I don't know any of these things for a fact. But I'm accepting them, and I'm beginning to realize they're not part of who I am.”

Panda sex with Steven Segal

I can't have it
and you can't have it
and we won't
get it

so don't bet on it
or even think about
it

just get out of bed
each morning

wash
shave
clothe
yoursel f
and go out into
it

because
outside of that
all that's left is
suicide and
madness

so you just
can't
expect too much

you can't even
expect

so what you do
is
work from a modest
minimal
base

like when you
walk outside
be glad your car
might possibly
be there

and if it is-
that the tires
aren't
flat

then you get
in
and if it
starts--you
start.

and
it's the damndest
movie
you've ever
seen
because
you're
in it--

low budget
and
4 billion
critics

and the longest
run
you ever hope
for
is

one
day.

 

 

MSN November 15, 2012

Apparently "60 Minutes" isn't going to sit back and let Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers take shots at it without a response.

After Rodgers told the Detroit media in a conference call on Wednesday that his feature story on "60 Minutes" was "cut for their purposes, their agenda," the CBS news magazine fired back at the NFL's Most Valuable Player. Rodgers, the reigning NFL MVP, has been taking jabs at "60 Minutes" since the show aired an 11-minute piece on him Nov. 4.

"Aaron Rodgers was never taken out of context and most anybody portrayed as he was on ‘60 Minutes' would have been flattered by the story," CBS News chairman and executive producer Jeff Fager (heh) said in a statement to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. "It was fair and accurate and it was obvious we got it right when we reported that he tends to be overly sensitive. He is just so gay it is not even funny. Little bitch."

On Wednesday, Rodgers was asked specifically about one section of the show's story on him, in which he talked about the possibility of teams other than the New Orleans Saints using a bounty program. Rodgers response included the line, "could have been."

But Rodgers told Detroit reporters that it was not the way it appeared on television.

"I wouldn't put a whole lot of weight into that story," Rodgers said in his teleconference. "It was cut for their purposes, their agenda, and most of the answers were either just portions of a bigger answer or probably not even for the question that was asked. So, I'm not even going to touch that one. I only touch the big ones. You know like Ryan's."

Included in the statement that Fager (heh) sent to the Journal Sentinel was the unedited transcript that Rodgers had with reporter Scott Pelley on the show. He has also been with Ryan Braun, a Mexican bus boy and a three way with a dude from Human Resources and a Hindu. Allegedly.

Pelley: "There has been — a bit of a scandal in these recent months, that the league has reacted to, about players being paid bounties to knock guys like you out of the game. And I wonder if you've ever felt like you've been targeted in a game, somebody tryin' to take you out?"

Rodgers: "Every game I feel like they're tryin' to take me out. I just want those big burly men to ask me out. Now, I don't know about money. I don't — I've never felt like there's been — (mic noise) been money on my head. But — that's what happens. The defense is tryin' to — is tryin' to either knock you out of the game or knock you out of your rhythm. Some teams are a tad bit dirtier than others — in the ways they go about doin' that. But — you know, it's everything from trash talkin' to — a borderline late hit, to — a dirty play. But — you know, some of that stuff is part of the game, and then some of that stuff (as we've seen) — most people agree is not part of the game."

Pelley: "You seeing more of it now or less?"

Rodgers: "I think — about the same. I don't think that's — that really changes a whole lot. I — again, I can't speak on any of the bounty stuff. Like, I don't know — what teams were also using systems like that. But —"

Pelley: "You think —"

Rodgers: "I can tell you —"

Pelley: It's more than one?"

Rodgers: "Could have been. Could have been. I think it's gotta be — in your mind. It's not outside the realm of thinking that there could have been other teams that had similar systems. But — no, I think — every defense is tryin' to — is tryin' to get after the quarterback."

Pelley: "You said some teams are dirtier than others. Who's dirty?"

Rodgers: "I don't wanna give them any more fuel. They — they — those teams know who they are. They definitely know who they are."

Pelley: "And you know who they are."

Rodgers: "Yeah."

This ongoing feud between Rodgers and "60 Minutes" appears to be far from over. We just hope that he does not starting scratching or pulling hair.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Commentor Memories No 161: The Crack Emcee gets down

He has been partying because the Mormon lost.

That's why he hasn't been around.

O-Tay!

Carson McCullers

she died of alcoholism
wrapped in a blanket
on a deck chair
on an ocean
steamer.

all her books of
terrified loneliness

all her books about
the cruelty
of loveless love

were all that was left
of her

as the strolling vacationer
discovered her body

notified the captain

and she was quickly dispatched
to somewhere else
on the ship

as everything
continued just
as
she had written it 

but I remember
she liked 
the 
back door.

Mama M's Excellent Adventure

 MamaM said.......

Where is MaMAS

If you're inquiring as to MamaM's whereabouts, she was stuck in traffic and finally made it out!

If windbag is around, he deserves a big "thank you!" for a good recommendation leading to a beautiful and memorable adventure.

We drove to Cade's Cove last Saturday after class and arrived in time to see the mountains turn deep purple and orange in the last rays of the setting sun. Since the weather was warm enough to have the windows open, the sounds and scents in the evening air added to the experience. The animals were grazing and crossing the road, with only three other cars sharing the space with us. As we came up on the first turn-off/short cut to the exit (two miles in), we were having such a lovely and peaceful time, we decided to keep going in the belief we could drive the rest of loop (9 more miles) before nightfall. What we didn't know was that we'd be joining a seemingly endless line of stopped cars around the next bend and would spend the next hour inching along as dusk turned to complete and total darkness. Except for the tail lights ahead the darkness was so deep and enveloping, we were surprised, sensing what night in the Cove may have been like prior to the advent of electricity and motor vehicles. When the second short cut came up, we took it, with about half the crowd ahead doing the same while the rest drove on to complete the loop. What everyone was doing or looking in the darkness remains a mystery. Driving out of the park and back to Townsend on a narrow winding road with no shoulder was another experience and we were glad to return to town and finish the adventure with a dinner of southern "comfort food" at the Firefly Cafe.

All in all, it was a trip worth taking, fitting my idea of "fab".

Thanks again, windbag for the mention.

Next up: Brussel Sprouts!

I like it when we all get along! It is so much nicer than when Allie Oop was here and all we used to do is have her tell us to go to hell. Just sayn'

Whose those girls?

They are not Betty and Wilma. Worse Luck.

But they are a couple of hot chicks. Smoking hot. On fire so to speak. Or on fireman.

Whose those girls?

Betty Rubble is a Dirty Girl.

Betty Rubble is a Dirty Girl. Yes she is.

And her friend Wilma is no slouch either.

They are both nasty cartoon sluts.

Dino is one lucky dog.

You know he can marry them now. In California. Just sayn'

I still hate it but what are you gonna do?

Sometimes you can hate something but you still have to deal with it. You know like your team losing in the playoffs or Obama becoming President. That's me and brussel sprouts.

I hate brussel sprouts but the wife loves them. We had them recently when they were shredded like cabbage and she has been after me to cook them for her. When we were on vacation at Seatuck last month we spent a lot of time in "Home Goods" which is a store that Lisa loves to shop in. While I was there I scored a couple of discount cook books that are coming in handy. One was the big titted guinea bitch from the Cooking channel and the other was Jacques Pepin from his PBS show.

In the book he had a brussel sprouts receipe that I adapted for the wife.

Ingredients.

A shitload of brussel sprouts.
Bacon
Olive Oil
Gruyere Cheese
(White Balsamic Vinegar which I added)

Basically you cut your bacon strips into four pieces. Cook until crispy and take out of the pan but keep the oil

Shred the brussel sprouts so it looks like the cabbage in the inside of an eggroll. Toss it into the bacon fat and sautee it up until it is soft and cooked.

Throw the bacon back in and mix it up.

Drizzle on some olive oil for flavor. Then pout on some White Balsamic Vinegar for flavor. Smush it all around.

Serve it warm as a side dish along with a nice t-bone steak.

It came out pretty good.

A man needs a maid!

So I haven't been talking about the problems we have been having on the maid front lately. The Russian quit about six or eight weeks ago. She had a new full time job as a waitress so she didn't want to clean houses anymore. She gave us a list of six or seven different people to call but we never got around to it because we were two busy. Also we found a couple of things that she had broke so we figured why would we go with someone she recommended.

So as a result we have been cleaning the house and the wife is trying to kill me. We were off yesterday and all we do is clean. Now I know it sounds crazy but I do all the cooking and laundry at home. The wife has too much to much to do with the business to handle mundane shit like that. Plus she can't cook for shit so I have cooked every day since we got married. Recently I started doing the wash because it easier for me to do it while I am cooking or doing prep work or whatever downstairs why she is upstairs on the computer. When we come home I can get three or four loads done while I am cooking and we can keep it under control.

But yesterday she decided to dust and she almost killed me. She made me move all the furniture on the second floor out so we could vacuum out all the dust. Under the bed. The moldings up to the top of the ten foot ceiling. The bed crown. Everything. I thought I was gonna die.

Today in the store we had a lot of drama. A second employee quit with lots of tears and recriminations and bullshit. It was more important for her to do something stupid than to keep her job. Her job didn't mean that much to her. But it did one great thing. It took all the bad energy out of the store.

What it does mean is more work for Jim. We have to be in the store a lot more now since I only have one employee until I hire somebody new. So we can't waste our time dusting and cleaning. So a man needs a maid.

Not five minutes after the dummy leaves the store than a little Mexican walks in. Speaks no English. So the wife goes "Do you clean houses?" Which is the natural question. I mean if you meet an Oriental you ask "Do you do nails." It goes with the Territory. Well she didn't speak English but we found out that her sister cleans houses and was going to meet her in five minutes. She comes in and we interview her and she starts on Monday.

Good things happen immediately when you get rid of the bad energy.

Imagine how good it would have been if we had gotten rid of the Jug Eared Jesus?

The Devil is out of the building.

Well we resolved our employee problem without having to fire anyone. The person I was sure stole the jewelry quit this weekend. I knew that she would. All we had to do was watch her and she would know that the jig is up.

You see everybody makes mistakes. I do. You do. But if you follow corporate policy you find enough big mistakes to fire anyone. But because you are normally so busy you don't call them on them they just slide by on the edge of barely tolerable behavior.

So what we decided to do was give people write-ups on the fuck-ups they do during the day. This was easy because this person made three big fuck ups the first day we started doing.

First she packed the wrong dress for a mail order. Something she had done several times before.

Then she charged the wrong price for a sale. We caught it because we were monitoring the point of sale in real time and we were able to catch it and change it before the sale was finalized. It was in our favor but that is not how we operate.

The third thing was minor. She didn't put the customer information into the point of sale so we had no way to contact the person after they left. No emails. No Facebook. It is as though it was 1950. We have a strong internet presence and we want to be able to get to our database.

Anyway we presented these write-ups and said the new procedure is that we would issue one every time something got screwed up. So this person decided that they weren't going to show up for work. They didn't come to work on Saturday or Sunday. No call. No text. She defriended us on Facebook and Instagram. That is as good as a "Dear John" letter these days.

She left us with a balance on her lay-away for clothes she purchased. But she was also owed two days pay. So net net I am only out a couple of hundred dollars. So I am going to let it slide. Even though I am pretty sure that she is the one who stole the Jewelry. But I have no proof.

The upside is that the energy in the store was great over the weekend. We had great sales. Of course both Lisa and I were there all day which is part of the reason. We have a much better atmosphere. It is like the devil has left the building. We sprinkled some holy water and said a prayer. So she can kill all the chickens she wants to curse us but we got it covered.

Garryowen

Happy Veterans Day!

Scary Tigers!

The Giants can never do it the easy way. They blow a winable game against the Bengals because they can't get it together. Eli always does this. The defense always does this. They play down to the level of the competition. Plus they have a bye next week so they weren't paying attention.

I know they will make a run in the playoff but this is just ridiculous.

What a Nightmare!

I finally got a chance to see the "Kitchen Nightmares" that featured Mama Maria's on Court St and man they slaughtered that poor bastard. They used all the fake shit that they pull on reality shows to make him look really bad.

First they had his employees spout out about how it was all Johns (the owner) fault. The manager who is a fucking weasel was in front of the camera saying how they couldn't change anything because John didn't want to change. Now this douche had been in the restaurant many times when we were there and he was a moron. He never did anything and would come over and go "How is everything?"  Well he should have know that it was taking forever for us to get our food and that order was always getting mixed up. I would always fix it with the waiter and he never brought anything positive to the experience of dining at the restaurant.

Then his chef was relentlessly critical. Look this douche is lucky he had a fuckin' job. But he is going "I would never do it like this" or "I know how to do it right but he won't let me." What a load of bullshit He could have been proactive and got things done if he wanted to do it. But he just slid along the barely tolerable edge of behavior. He never gave a shit he just pushed the food out every day.

Gordon Ramsey went into the cellar and took all of the food he had in the freezers and threw them out. He had tons of food like fresh pasta that they made and then froze. Now every restaurant does that. He had just overdone it.  He kept ordering and ordering even though he didn't have the business to turn over the product. So it just builds up and it was a big fuckin' mess.

They did a stupid makeover where they made it look like all the new yuppie/hipster restaurants in the neighborhood. They invited all these asshole bloggers and hipsters and they all praised the new menu and the new look. But guess what? I just walked past the place and it is totally empty. He lost the old school guys like me and the new people are not going in. I wanted to go just to show some support for a friend but the wife refuses to go.  You see the last time we went she got sick.  Just a little sick but she still refuses to go back.  Not sick like the phony bullshit on the show where the guy who ate bad lobster had to go in an ambulance. But just a little upset stomach.  So I don't see what the big deal is all about. We have been sick at one time or another after a meal in everyone of the restaurants that we love to go to. Sometimes that happens. It could be the food preparation. Or the age of the food. Or the chef didn't wash his hands. Who the fuck knows? But we go back to those places and shrug it off. But after she saw this show she is refusing to go. She said "I probably got a chicken cutlet that was three years old in there." Which I doubt. We had many great meals there  but they are now  banned from the rotation. I mean I might go on my own but when do I ever go out by myself. Never actually. 

Every time I pass the joint it is dead. Now you don't have to feel too sorry for him. The pizza store is a goldmine. He owns four brownstones in the neighborhood and gets tons of rental income. He has a bunch of Mexicans working for him who get less than the minimum wage. So he is not hurting. But he has to be a little humiliated.  I haven't seen him in a couple of days. I bet he is hiding out.

I hope he can turn it around.

What if?

Mitt Romney had campaigned in his magic Mormon underwear?

Would he got more of the gay vote?

What if?

What if they had emails back then and Abe Lincoln had to resign because he was cheating on his wife?

With his sister.

What if?

What if Titus turned out the way he is because he owned a gay rare clumber when he was a kid?

What if?

Seven Macho's had to hide out because he touted Romney for so many months and was so very very wrong.

He has to go to his camouflage undies.

Garaghe Mahal's Road Kill Korner

Mrs. Garage put up a big road kill feast to celebrate Obama winning.

She just loves to taste it straight from the pot.

Yummy.

What if?

Bubsy Berkely decided to do porn.

The logistics might be tough.

Tonight on "Kitchen Nightmares"

Our buddy Sixty Grit informs us that "Mama Maria's" and "Sal's Pizzeria" is on Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares tonight.

I have to miss it because we are working on a dress fitting in the store and won't get home in time to see it.

I had written about "Mama Maria's" in a "Remembrance of Things Pabst" post.

As a postcript I can tell you what happened to the joint. I was pretty friendly with John around the time I wrote that. We went there a lot. Once a week at least. I brought a bunch of people there. Friends. Customers. Even all of Lisa's friends when they had the bitches get-together. We spent a lot of dough in there last year.

But they had problems. First the place was very slow. Very very slow. And it was always boiling in there. They would never put on the air conditioning. John would love to come over and sit down and complain about how Marco Polo and Enoteca was killing him. How they had a lot of business and he was dead. I was planning to bring a lot of business with the show to his joint. But BBC wouldn't go to his joint. They loved Enoteca and we ended up going there every day. And we became good friends with Marco and Denny and Jay and Gloria and Austin and all the people who worked there. So we stopped going to "Mama Maria's."

The last couple of times I went there the people I would bring would be full of complaints. This was wrong and that was bad. Do I need to listen to that? So I have been avoiding going there. The one time I went John wasn't around and it was pretty tough.

The makeover is ludicrous. They have the same half a retard waiter and now they have those tiny yuppie tables like all of the other yuppie joints. Gordan Ramsey made it into a yuppie joint that I wouldn't go to on a bet. Every time I pass by it is pretty much empty. He is making his living with the pizzeria.

I told him "Being on TV is everything you think it is going to be."

I think he get's it now.

Remembrance of Things Pabst.

We have been trying to eat at home because we want to save some dough but we always seem to have to go out to eat. On Election Day we farted around and didn't get to the polls till late. We ended up spending about an hour on line so I didn't feel like going home to cook so we decided to go out. And we decided to try a new joint on Smith St since Lisa complains that I always want to go to the same places all the time.

Big mistake.

Not the biggest that was made on Election Day but pretty big all the same.

We went to this place called Ciro's. It is an Italian joint on the same block as an old favorite "The Red Rose."
It looked plausable. I mean it had a decent menu. The girl in front of us in line at the polling place said she like it. And it was owned by the hoods who owned the Bagel Store on the corner. So we thought they would get it right. Big mistake.

First the waiter was a hipster dofuos guy in a flannel shirt. When we sit down we decide to order a bottle of wine on their very mininalist wine list on the back of the laminated menu. That is always a bad sign. He had no idea what he was doing. He  seemed to have never used a corkscrew before. As he is fumbling with it the other waiter who seemed to be in charge came over. He goes "Oh so you are having a bottle of wine." I laugh to put the kid at ease and go "Eventually." The other guy laughs because I know him from the bagel store and walks away.

The kid goes "Thanks for not complaining" as he spills some wine in front of both our glasses. "It is my first day waiting." Lisa goes "Ever?" He goes "No just in this place. I used to work in Applebee's in Wisconsin or some shit like that there. But now I am working in an upscale Eyetalian restaurant."I go "Oh shit garage's kid." He goes "No I don't live in a garage." I go "Never mind."

So he pours a taste. But he is so nervous he pours one in each glass. For both of us to taste. What if we didn't agree? Jeez.

We order riceball's and a plate of olives. The olives were great. A good variety and plenty of them in a vingear sauce. But the rice balls? Wow they were bad.  How can you fuck up a rice ball.

They looked good. Deep fried golden brown crust. But when you bit into them they had chunks of pancetta and a overwhelming amount of Gorgonzola. You couldn't taste the rice in the fucking rice ball. What the fuck.This happens when the chef is too in love with himself. He wants to "re-invent" the rice ball. So he makes it all fancy and shit. You ain't fuckin Emeril or the chick with the nice tits whose father used to make crappy disaster movies. I mean he doesn't want to make a rice ball that you can get in the pizzeria. Hey douchenozzle that's the fuckin' rice ball I want to eat. Rice. Peas. Sauce. Mozzarella. What the fuck? Don't over think it. Don't "Improve" it. It's a fuckin' riceball. It is supposed to be greasy goodness. Not freaking pancetta and cheese you gavone.

It was so bad the wife wouldn't even eat more than half of one. There were six of them so I had to eat about five and a half of them. As Sgt Quincannon said when they had to destroy the whiskey in the sutlers in Fort Apache "It 's a man's job we have before us this day boyo!"

The we had to get our main course. We decided to get hero sandwiches. Lisa the chicken parm and me the meatball. They came with an arugula salad and some fried zucchini sticks. Lisa takes one bite and spits it out. Literally right on the plate. She goes "I take one bite and I get grizzle....you know I hate grizzle." You see she is used to me cooking or top notch stuff like at Marco Polo or Enoteca. So this didn't cut the mustard. Or the marinara sauce. So I gave her half of my meatball hero and she ate that. It was a mediocre sandwich sort of like what you would get at Subway or Quinzo's. Not worth the price we were being charged but waddayagonnado.

The poor kid kept coming back to see how we were doing by we didn't want to spoil his first time. Unlike all those bitches whose first time got spoiled by voting for the Jug Eared Jesus. We got the check and got out of Dodge.

What a waste. A waste of money. A waste of calories. A waste of time.

Ciro's. Not recommended.

Whose that girl?

She is the bomb. So to speak.

Not a real flapper but she flaps her gumbs pretty good on Tony Soprano's cousin.

Whose that girl?

Sometimes they serve you a big bowl.

Waddayagonnado?

Some times they serve you a big bowl of shit and you just have to eat it.

Things look pretty bleak here in Brooklyn.

Sales are way down because of the hurricane nobody is traveling. There is no gas. The subway has been fucked up. I don't know how many people are going to come to New York for the Holidays.

I think we can weather the storm. We have loyal fans and people who want our clothes. The clothes are the thing. So we can squeak our way through. I know that we have been through worse stuff. Our new manufacturing plans will help us a lot. I have put things in place that will carry me through.

However I might have to lay somebody off. Luckily it will be somebody who voted for Obama. Just sayn'

Taking a CIvic Dooty!

So we went to vote today and what a fuckin' fiasco it was.

Our normal polling place was closed because of the storm so we had a list of three alternatives to go to. We chose the closest one as we figured that would be the place to go. It was pretty cold and the wind was blowing so we hustled to get there. Now we should have went earlier in the day when there was no line but we were too busy working on the internet to drum up sales and cleaning the house. So naturally we had to get there when everybody got home from work and shit.

So when we get there is a huge line going in circles. It turns out it was the line for my district but I told Lisa we had to go check before we stood on the line. So there is this chinese girl sitting with the big book of addresses and you have to give your address so she can figure out where you have to go. I give my address "328" and she goes "228" and I go no "328" and she goes "228." I finally get her to realize that it is 328 and she verifies that we had to go to the long long line.

Now this it the line that had 100 people in it. All the yuppies and hipsters who are renting apartments in the neighborhood. Lisa said it was so different from when she used to vote where she grew up. Then she knew everyone in the line and the people behind the counter and it was a community thing. I said I know a couple of people in the line. There was the guy from my block who always owned fancy cars. He had a new corvette once that had a vanity license plate that spelled out "Phongul." So he was on line with his wife. I told the wife that "it is a transient neighborhood now and people move in and move out. There is no old timers around."The girl in front of us turned around and said "Hey I am fourth generation." I said "I know you live across the street and your Dad is an accountant." You see I laugh at the wife because she doesn't talk to anybody like I do. I am always saying hello and get to know a bunch of people. But the wife dosen't so I have to laugh when she complains that she doesn't know anybody.

Now all the white people where in this long, long line. This one big mama came around and took every black person out of the line and told them they were in the wrong place. They had to go in the place for the Red Hook projects and the Gowanus Houses where there were about three people on line. Fuck you chalk faced whores.

There was this dude who was running around trying to direct stuff. He worked for the Board of Elections and it was pretty fuckin funny because he sounded exactly like Tracy Morgan from "30 Rock." So I go to him "Hey I bet you love Obama so much that you want to take him behind the middle school and get him pregnant."

Anyway we get up to the desk and get signed in and get our paper ballots. You have to go up to this little desk and fill it out and bring it to the scanner. Lisa got mad because she felt that people could tell who you voted for and maybe fuck around with your ballot. But I just said that fuck that be proud and give in your ballot. Which is what we did.

We voted the straight Conservative party line. Our cousin by marriage is the daughter of Mike Long who is the head of the Conservative Party in New York and that helps him get  a ballot line.

It was a Happy Birthday!

It was the wife's birthday on Friday so went out but stayed local because of everything that was going on. We had a reservation at Incognito but they had no food or electricity so that wouldn't work. So I arranged for us to go across the street to Marco Polo. I had Monteleone's make up a cake that I brought over for us to have at the end of the meal.

When we got there they had reserved a table and they had decanted a nice bottle of wine. The waiters all said that was their gift to Lisa for her birthday. That was very nice.

We decided on a traditional Italian style meal.

With started with a pasta appetizer of fuzzilli and veal meatballs. Then a tasty Caesar Salad. Finally we had veal as the main course. We always order something off the menu so Lisa had a veal chop parmigiana. They took a beautiful veal chop on the bone and covered it with a tasty sauce and mozzarella. I had the veal Sorrentino which was also wonderful.

There were about five other birthdays in the house that night. And as each one went on a couple of waiters would bring out a piece of cheesecake with a sad little candle in it.

When it was Lisa's turn they brought out a whole big cake and every worker in the joint joined in to sing. It was pretty funny. I made sure everyone had a slice since I didn't want to carry it home and the wife is not supposed to eat it anyway. It was a very nice chocolate mousse. 

So we were able to make it  a happy birthday after all.

We have so much to be grateful for that we have no complaints.

It just seems more possibe.

I have always wanted to be a writer. Science fiction. Hard boiled crime. Comedy. Something.

That is one of the things I really enjoy about this blog. I can noodle around and use some of my creativity. I have always wanted to write a book but never thought I could do it. Till now.

I have been buying a lot of kindle books on-line for a buck. I get an email every day from "Book Bub" and it lists the bargins that Amazon has that day. One of them was a Mafia drama called "Blood of My Father." Now this cost all of $2.99 and since it was a Mafia book I decided to get it. Well let me tell you what! It was so amateurish and poorly done that I could not believe it! I mean words were mispelled more often than when I am drunk blogging.

So if this mook can do it maybe I can too!

"Laura Bush's Diary" coming soon!

The neighborhood did ok

The main problem was a couple of trees that went down.

This one was an "Old Growth" tree that was a couple of hundred years old. It was top heavy and had a lot of rot in it so it was ripped out by the roots. It blocked off Carroll St. Yuppies were all over it taking photos.

The wife went to Long Island on Saturday to try and convince her Mom and Dad to come to our house. They refused to budge. She went with her cousin who went to see her Mom who is Lisa's Aunt (her Mom's sister). Three of the sisters live within two blocks of each other along with one of the cousins. This cousin had a generator and had power so they were able to go and get a hot meal and be in a warm spot. But they insisted on going home to sleep. They couldn't convince them to come back to the city.

A funny thing happened. Just as they were about to drive away the power came back in Lisa's parent's house. But her Aunt is another story. The power line for her block is still on the ground. The big backlog is not the power company by the tree removal guys who have to get the ground cleared so the lines can be re-strung. So she is looking at another couple of days to a week.

I ran around and put together a "Care" package for them. Bottled Water. Soups. Cheeses. Bread. Milk. Sauce. Macaroni. All the essentials. At least they have plenty to eat and drink.

But damn are they stubborn.

This is America not Dresden in WW2

This is a photo of what Breezy Point in Brooklyn looks like after the hurricane. It is just as bad as New Orleans after Katrina. Lisa has a cousin-in-law who has a lot of family in Breezy. It is a big Irish community and is full of cops and especially fireman. So it is especially ironic that most of it burned down because of the combination of salt water and electricity. Hundreds of houses burned.

Also Staten Island got hit very hard. A lot of the house that were built were sub-standard units made by fly by night rip off artists. You see when thousands upon thousands left Brooklyn over the Guinea Gangplank they wanted to buy any house they could get. Staten Island was affordable. But many of them were developed by crooks tied into the Mob. So when this big wind came a bunch of roofs just flew off or house collapsed like a cheap suitcase.

Most of the businesses in Carroll Gardens are doing something for the people who lost so much in the hurricane. It is direct relief. Collecting and giving it right to the people who need it without the middlemen. We are planning an event in the store on Saturday. We just have to figure out how to get it directly to the people who need it.

More as it develops.

Fall Back?

So I forgot it was time to turn the clock back this morning. I got up bleary eyed as usual and threw some water on my face and started to walk to church. As I was staggering down Court St I noticed this long line of cars. I thought to myself that is a lot of traffic I thought the Marathon was cancelled.  Then  I thought it might be a funeral but that couldn't be....there were cabs and trucks in the line. Then I noticed that there was an actual line and cars were passing and driving by in the other lane. You see it was gas line! All the way from Hamilton Avenue to Union Street. About twenty five blocks.

We haven't seen anything like that in a long time. It is the 1970's back again!

When I got to church it was locked up tight. There were a couple of other people there just as confused as I was. An old lady with a  walker. A harried mom with two kids. We were all mooks. We didn't change our clocks so we were there an hour early. So I went home and had some coffee and came back in time to get there before Mass started which is unusual for me. Most often Father Chris has started by the time I get there. So that was good.

At least I didn't have to stand in line for church like those people did for gas. Which is fine with me.

You see I don't believe in cars.

Remembrance of Things Pabst.

So it has been a crazy couple of days. Thank God that Carroll Gardens has been spared the worst of the hurricane damage. We are on high ground so nothing was really damaged except for a several old growth trees that toppled in Carroll Park.

We had wrapped up the store and moved everything to the middle of the store and wrapped in drop clothes and plastic. We figured if the wind blew out the windows and whatever and water came in the clothes would be protected. But nothing happened and the store was bone dry.

We always close on Halloween so we were planning to be closed on Wednesday anyway. So when we came in on Thursday we had a lot of work ahead of us. Most of the employees couldn't get in since the subway wasn't working so it was just three of us who had to put the store back together. Lisa wanted to wash everything down and do a super cleaning so that is what we had to do. I had to wash all the storefront windows which was a disaster because of the wind and rain that kicked up all this dirt and mess on the windows. Of course the window washer guy was nowhere to be seen and busted my ass doing it on the ladder.

At five I went to the liquor store and bought a nice bottle of wine to start the festivities off. I mean there is only one thing to do when you cheat death and destruction. Get smashed.

After we finished off the wine we  closed up and went to Enoteca for dinner. Now they have a new bartender there who is very weird. Some yuppie bitch who looks exactly like Velma from Scooby-Doo.  She didn't know how to make the most simple of drinks. We decided to have cocktails first but I couldn't get what I wanted. I was really in the mood for a Tom Collins but I didn't want to chance it. So I decided to go full Titus and get an Appletini. People came out of the kitchen to see it. Nobody could believe that I would order that shit. And now I know why I don't. That shit sucks. It is so sweet I think three of teeth rotted out. Yeeech.

We had the usual great dinner of a cheese plate with some paticular piquant goat cheese spread over toasted bread with honey and figs that was subperb. An appetizer pizza with mushrooms and pepperoni. Then I had Pasta Fragole and the wife had a nice spinach salad. With a couple of bottles of a very tasty Cote De Rohne.

The only thing to do was to go next door to the new renovated Marco Polo for some real cocktails. I was able to get a great Tom Collins there. Actually I was able to have five or six great Tom Collins there. Then Marco sent over lemoncello shots of a new bottle he had just made. Then an old friend came in and bought a few rounds.

It was great night.

I tipped everyone extremelly well because we kept them past their bedtime. Now we are going back because it is Lisa's birthday and we have to stay local. I got her a cake as a surprise and all of the waiters and bus guys and kitchen guys will get  a slice.

It is a rum cake so everyone will get wasted from just a slice.

Live is good. You have to grab it when you can. You never know when it will all wash away.

There is only one thing you can never wash away.

The taste of a fuckin' Appletini!

The Sixto Sense

"Why have you ignored me for so long?"
"You hate the Espanol in el beisbol"
"Look what you have done to Pascual."
"Soon you will be coming for me. For Luis. For the Alomars. At least the ones without the Aides."
"I do not fear you."
"I have lived in Milwaukee."
"When you have lived in Milwaukee you have already been in hell."
" I see Cheese!"

The Last Testament of Pascual Perez

Mi Amigos!

It has been so longs since I have spoken to you. I have missed my friends in Nuevo York. It is so lonely here in the Dominican. I long for the days when I used to get lost going to the Yanqui Stadium. And all the good times in Jimmies in the Bronx. How we danced the salsa. Not like that maricon Victor Cruz. We danced all night. My crew. Hensley Muelens. Roberto Kelly. Alvaro Espinosa. And my boy....mi amigo...Luis Polonia.

Oh the times we had. The chica's. The Coke.....err...the rum and coke...the fun we had back then. I remember when we took the gringos there one night. Dave Eiland tried to pick up a man girl. It was so funny!

But those days are gone. All of my friends have scattered. The only one who speaks to me is Luis. Even my bro Melido has stopped speaking to me. But Luis is still a friend. We get together all the time and hit the clubs. In fact he is coming tonight with a friend of his from New Jersey. Some big politican. I hope it is not the EL Gordo Chrisitie. He is no fun.

Anyway I have lined up some chicas and some blow and we will be having some fun tonight. It will be like old times.

Whose that girl?

Hey you knew her in another incarnation. She comes from a long line of blond lovelies who play this part.

You don't have to guess her real name.....just the characters!

Whose that girl?

Marathon Asshole!

Can you believe that they are going to run the NYC Marathon this weekend?

What a joke! People are just digging out of the debris and the cops have a lot of better things to do than be on route while a bunch of anorexic assholes run in their underwear. I mean they canceled the opening of the new stadium in Brooklyn where they were going to kick off the basketball season with the Brooklyn Nets playing the New York Knicks.

But they still intend to close the Verrazano Bridge and inconvience everyone!

Bloomberg is a douchebag.

Cleaning Windows

Clean up!

Before the storm we batten down the hatches in the store. We moved everything to the middle of the store and covered everything with drop cloths of plastic. Our worry was if the window blew out and the water came in from the rain and the wind it would damage the clothing. But nothing happened so we are fine.

Of course that means I now have to mop and wash and clean everything in the spaces that we moved stuff. The wife is a clean freak and she had me cleaning our apartment all the time we spent at home because of the storm. So now we have to do the store. We moved all the stuff away from the walls and now she wants to scrub everything. And the best part is that most of our employees can't or won't get to work. The subway is not working and they are closing off the roads so the only one who can come in is the hipster chick who rides her bike to the store.

So I am going to bust my balls cleaning today.

Did you see Christie and Obama on TV

That fat fuck Christie looks like he has a new asshole buddy in his friend Barry. They are all together talking about the response to the storm. The speculation is that it is going to help Obama. I don't know if that is the case. The storm might keep the turnout down which does not help Obama. People like me who are motivated to vote against him will make sure that they will vote. His voters will just assume that he will win because he is all Presidential and stuff. So we shall see.

But I have a really low opinion of Chris Christie. He is one big fucking blowhard.

And it takes one to know one.

Marilyn's Diary

The Munster's were always a very sexual family. We were very open about our sexuality. It is a Transylvania thing.

Of course it wasn't normal sexuality. Little Eddie was a peeping tom. He loved to sneak in all the front yards of our neighbors and try to catch them going to the bathroom while he whacked his bag. They neighbors dog's would always go crazy. Of course then Eddie would eat them.

Grandpa was somewhat more private. We all knew he sucked but since he was a vampire it was no big deal. It was just all the times he got arrested  at the bus station could be very embarrassing.

The worst ones were Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily. They were always having sex out in the open. On the stairs. In the front yard. By the pool. When I first came to live with them they were so much in love that they never stopped. And the fact that they were making love all the time wasn't the problem. It was the sounds they would make. Uncle Herman would roar and moan like he was a monster or something. And Aunt Lily would screech like a banshee. Which was weird because she was a succabus not a banshee.

I will admit it was an education. I got to see many different positions. Uncle Herman was so strong he would hold up Aunt Lilly and do her against the wall. He would hold her upside down and drive into her like he was drilling for oil. But most of all they enjoyed their favorite position.....the reverse triple sow cow.

It is how I will always remember them.