Grusinskaya and the Baron Flix

Grusinskaya: Can you imagine a hundred girls in the law school, each thinking she would become the most famous lawyer in all the world? I was ambitious then. We were drilled like little soldiers. No rest, no stopping. I was little, slim, but hard as a diamond. Then I became famous and - But why am I telling you all this? Last night, I didn't know you at all. Who are you, really?
Baron Felix von Geigern: What?
Grusinskaya: I don't even know your name.
Baron Felix von Geigern: [laughs] I am Felix Benvenuto Freihern von Geigern. My mother called me "Flix".
Grusinskaya: [joyously] No! Flix! Oh, that's sweet. And how do you live? And what kind of a person are you?
Baron Felix von Geigern: I'm a prodigal son, the black sheep of a white flock. I shall die on the gallows. Perhaps when we are back in New York, you will leave that lesbian haunt of Park Slope and take the D train to the Bronx to meet me for coffee. I will ride my trike with my special Johnny Unitas football helmet. I will even wear my big boy pants because I know you dislike men in shorts.
Grusinskaya: Please I like to have conversations which each reply is ten sentences or less.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Such a pity your horizons are so limited.Grusinskaya: No they are not. Here are six pictures I took from my balcony. Note the exquisite composition of the frame and the beautiful palate of my artistry.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Bah! Enough of this triviality take me to your room so I can examine your vortex through my monocle.
Grusinskaya: Perhaps another time, my dear Baron, perhaps another time.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Grusinskaya: Oh Baron Flix, I am so sad today. I must perform on a panel in front of a group unapprecative louts who could never understand my gracefull interaptive dance of the first five amendments to the Constitution.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Why is that my little chocolate souffle.
Grusinskaya: No one will be interested in my bright and shiny vortex. They will be nothing like my normal audience of slavering sycophants and preening egoists who shower me with attention day after day.
Baron Felix von Geigern: I told you I would be happy to delve into your sweet, sweet vortex while we shower together. Please leave the lesbian stronghold of Park Slope and abandon Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell to their own devices, battery powered or otherwise. Come with me to see the world. The world is our oyster and I will irritate with my tongue to form a pearl of wisdom that I will lay before your feet my little petit fore.
Grusinskaya: I have told you before Baron, you vulgar entreaties do not move me. I am a world traveler, a bon vivant, a chroncilor nonpareil. Look at my moving photos of dogs peeing in water and mishapen pebbles that I have pulled out of my feet after walking on the beach. Look I even have a picture of my luncheon posed artisticly so you can see the back of the plate.
Baron Felix von Geigern: My dear is it not true that you simply dropped your luncheon dishes on the floor and try to cover it up with some high minded discourse about China patterns. Come dance for me my little baklava, do the lap dance of the seventh amendment.
Grusinskaya: I am sorry Baron but I will only dance with my peers, not some hack bloggers, and certainly not a mere Baron. You must be at least a prince to approach my rosy pink vortex.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Lesbian.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Grusinskaya: Oh Baron Flix, I am so melancholy today.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Why is that my little linzer torte.
Grusinskaya: No one seems interested in my vortex today. A lack of attention will lead to it becoming dry and lifeless.
Baron Felix von Geigern: I told you I would be happy to delve into your vortex. Come and have coffee with me. I will whisper sweet nothings and tell you of my glories in the criminal defense bar in the Bronx, Mount Vernon and Rockland county. I will instruct you in the ways of the world and teach you of the mysteries of love.
Grusinskaya: I don’t know Baron, you seem a little intense for my taste.
Baron Felix von Geigern: My dear that is not intensity, but potency. I am so potent that my entire body was stiff for ten straight years. My entire body was a rock hard tumescent shower of testosterone. It is only recently that I have learned to control it and to walk upright in the realm of lesser mortals.
Grusinskaya: I don’t know, I think I must broaden my horizons. I am entering an online contest for the swirlest most bestest vortex in all of the internets.
Baron Felix von Geigern:Lesbian.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Grusinskaya: Oh Baron Flix, I am so weary, so weary, today and I must travel overnight in my coach and leave this wonderful hotel. So sad, so sad.
Baron Felix von Geigern: But why must you leave so soon, my little éclair.
Grusinskaya: I must return to my career, as a schoolmistress and harsh taskmaster in the vineyards of law. I must use my dainty feet to crush the grapes of constitutional theory so as to distill knowledge and create a piquent vintage of legal scholarship that educate the palates of even the most oafish buffons who are the so called scholars whose education I am unfortunately tasked with.......it is truly daunting.
Baron Felix von Geigern: But you can leave that onerous task my little Sacher-Torte. Come with me and I will tell you of my twenty years of experience of in the family courts of the South Bronx, Mount Vernon and White Plains, where feminism has destroyed the family and prevented minority children from reaching their full potential as maids and coachman. Come and learn of the intervention of an overreaching government headed by raddled harridans who do not shave their misshapen limbs and take children from loving homes where they are learning their proper place in the world and putting them in foster homes where they imbibe such bosch as feminism and socialism. Come where the real legal grapes are crushed.
Grusinskaya: I am sorry my dear Baron, but it does not seem very enticing. I must go to back to my simple life of terrorizing pimple faced undergradutes and publishing photo essays of grotesquely small dogs and refuse strewn in the sand. Look at my delightful portrait of a bowl of spaghetti that was spilled on the sands of Brighton Beach. I hope to come across some interesting driftwood or perhaps a dead chinese immigrant who might wash ashore after a failed immigration foray.
Baron Felix von Geigern: But my little Kafenkantate, you must worry about your most personal and private needs. Who will tend your vortex? Who will keep it healthy, and pink, and properly exercised? Come and have coffee with me and I will tell of my vast experience in the art of the care and cosseting of such a succulent vortex. These strange and grotesque characters that you constantly correspond with have neither the talent nor the technique to keep your vortex happy and healthy as only I can. I, Baron Felix von Geigern say it, so it must be so.
Grusinskaya: I am so sorry my dear Baron, but I can not have coffee with you. In fact I can not even correspond with you as you are much too verbose for my taste. I prefer my social intercourse to be pithy and to the point as I am too busy to dally with extended prelimaries. So I must decline your oh so persistent overtures.
Baron Felix von Geigern: Lesbian.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Dr. Otternshlang: Welcome home Gruinskaya, I hope you enjoyed your sojourn in the land of fruits and nuts. All remains the same here. People come. People go. Nothing ever happens.
Grusinskaya: Yes it was a very strange trip indeed. A very persistent and verbose nobleman expressed interest in me in a flattering yet slightly frightening manner. I must confess that I am non-plussed over the situation. It reminds me of the futile pursuit by Mr. Preysing that has plagued me these last few months.
Dr. Otternshlang: Is that the mincing fop who has constantly posted inappropriate missives that asked such embarrassing personal questions?
Grusinskaya: No. He is that gruff businessman who seems only interested in commerce, not emotions. I am afraid that the offending correspondence originated with Mr. Kringelein his bookkeeper. He seems such a harmless sort, but when he puts his thoughts on paper they seem to wander to strange and unsightly places.
Dr. Otternshlang So how did Mr. Preysing pursue you if not through correspondence?Grusinskaya: Oh he corresponds with me, but in very curt and graphic notes of one or two sentences in which he requests certain sexual acts that as a lady I can’t repeat.
Dr. Otternshlang: You seem to inspire many strange admirers.
Grusinskaya: Yes I suppose it is because I am truly an artist. Come see my wonderful photos from my recent trip. Here is my urination series. A dog peeing in the ocean. A vagrant peeing as he sleeps on a park bench. Children peeing down a mountain as they play king of the hill. I am afraid it is true; all the world is a urinal, while I futilely search for a bidet.
Dr. Otternshlang You are truly a philosopher. It is an honor to dine on the crumbs from your table. Would you like to take a picture of me while I pee.
Grusinskaya Certainly not doctor, it is so rude of you to ask.
Dr. Otternshlang: Lesbian.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Mr. Kringelein: Good evening fraulien, I wonder if you had received my recent missive as regards to color we should order for your carpet. I know that aesthetics are so very important to you and would not like to commit a faux pas.
Grusinskaya: I am afraid that is a very personal guestion and I feel uncomfortable discussing this with you. Please cease and desist in sending these troubling notes, they give me an uncomfortable feeling. I just want to be alone.
Flaemmchen: Come, come my silly goose. You must not answer this rude boy. If you do, as god is my witness, I will never speak to you again.
Mr. Kringelein: Well then I will leave you alone and I appolgize if I gave any offense. I just had the foolish feeling that I was your favorite correpondent. I am devestated by your disapproval.
Grusinskaya: Fear not my friend, I care for you, just not in that way. I have lost my heart to Prince Nicolo D’Fellini, a red haired and well tanned prince of Piedmont who is my own true love. No one could replace him in my heart.
Mr. Kringelein: Nevertheless, farewell.
Flaemmchen: Thank God that foolish little man is gone. No quickly tell me about this love of your live. An Italian I see.
Grusinskaya: Yes, you see I like my men as I like my décor, robust and italianate and it’s a bonus if they are named Rocco or any other Italian surname. Thus my carpets will not be oriental, but from Tuscany with a bold flare of red and taupe.
Flaemmchen; Who cares what color they might be, the question is how do they taste on the tongue.
Grusinskaya: Lesbian.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)

Flaemmchen: My dear Grusinskaya, why are you trembling so.
Grusinskaya:I have just received a telegram from the Baron and it very, very troubling.
Flaemmchen: Why is that?Grusinskaya: He has requested that I send him a tintype for his private collection.
Flaemmchen: That doesn’t sound so terrible.
Grusinskaya: But he requests that I send it sans garments; he wishes to gaze upon my nakedness to inflame his burning lust. Who knows how this will turn out, who knows what this will drive him to do.
Flaemmchen: Well just send him a piquant shot of you in a languid pose upon your bed under that beautiful bed crown with a full view of your room.
Grusinskaya: Why would I do that?Flaemmchen: You could satisfy some of his curiosity. Didn’t he ask you if the carpet matched the drapes?
Grusinskaya: No that was another of my admirer’s.
Flaemmchen: Well from the evidence extant on you bidet we know that this is truly not the case, eh? Ha, Ha, Ha.
Grusinskaya: (Muttered under her breath) Lesbian.
(Grand Hotel, 1932)