In her continual effort to drive me crazy the wife decides she might want to get a dog. Not a real dog. A Labrador or German Shepard or a Dalmatian for crying out loud! A freakin teacup poodle!!!!!!
You see our cousin has a dog who is a little who-er. During the hurricane this little poodle humped every dog in site and they are dropping litters left and right. She tells Lisa and she decides she might want one. Now she doesn't like real dogs. Too much work. Too much mess. But a little frou-frou one might be "Cute." So she says!
"Cute."
Fuck. Now I am going to have to carry the fucker around like Ken in the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." His wife (also coincidentally named Lisa) makes him carry little Jiggy in every scene. The freakin guy looks like a demented Rod Stewart carrying a rat dressed up like Elton John.
So I have a quandry. I mean I love dogs. But frou frou dogs not so much. I will end up taking care of it. But it will make her happy. So what should I do?
I decided that we can get the dog if we name it "Norton." If she is gonna dress him up she can put a little fedora and t-shirt and vest. This way I carry it around I can yell at it in all the old Honeymooner's quotes.
"Norton stop barking. You're a blabbermouth"
"Norton Address the Wee Wee Pad. HELLLLOOOO WEE WEE PAD!"
Maybe I won't look so stupid.
It's a thought.
40 comments:
A couple months ago my wife and daughter adopted a Maltese dog. She was a rescue animal and had been abandoned by someone L.A. when she got in the family way.
I was initially whatever--another mouth to feed in addition to two cats and rabbit that wants to live forever. But I am so glad I got talked into it. I forgot what it was like to have a dog.
People seem to be dog people or cat people. I was dog people growing up but my wife was cat and so I adapted. All the animals seem to get along.
Maltese's are teeny tiny dogs and actually don't shed because they have hair and not fur. This does mean that they have to be clipped, otherwise they look like an Apple store employee.
I love that little dog and it has returned it in spades.
I know what you mean.
I mean I love dogs. But the wife is the kind of person who wants something and then gets bored of it rather quickly.
So this is a big commitment.
I surprised I lasted this long. Just sayn'
Having a dog is like having a kid. You have be home to feed it. And take care of it everyday. Our cousin said she would take it when we go away on vacation or whatever. I mean we can't bring Norton to Seatuck.
The Labs would sit on them and squash him like a bug.
Plus she said she is going to dress us in matching outfits like Ken and Jiggy on the Real Housewives. I don't like the sound of that.
At least you don't have to send a dog to college.
Trooper York said...
Having a dog is like having a kid.
I teased my wife that this was her last baby and she should have named it Trig.
Trooper York said...
"Having a dog is like having a kid."
I like my dogs.
How big is a teacup poodle???
Didn't you mention something about having large feet? 'Twould be sad indeed to end Norton's days with a killer Hucklebuck.
We've got 12's, 13's and 14's roaming around here at given times, and now it's just cat tails that occasionally get stepped on, but the dog also caught some action when he was around. With something the size of a teacup underfoot, I'm thinking the chance of doing some serious damage with a misplaced step is pretty high. Such an act would put the owner of the big foot in the doghouse for LIFE!
Norton's a great name for a little dog, with a lot of laugh potential. I don't know how much heart a small dog has, but the big dog I loved not only had a huge heart, he stole mine too. It's been a year and a half since he departed, and I still miss him.
...a rat dressed up like Elton John.
I can see that.
Visuals one and two.
Visuals three and four.
Visuals five and six.
I have a cat. He was born in the barn this summer. A tom cat killed his two siblings and broke his leg. After that, he got friendly, and eventually worked his way into the house. He has four white feet and a white chest.
PeePee
He doesn't like cat food, so I have to feed him canned tuna, chicken or salmon.
I can see you with a dog. Norton and Cramden.
Hopefully, there won't be neverending insipid posts on this dog ala TOP! Congrats on your new rat..err dog.
Go big or go home. I have two dogs, 45 and 50 pounds respectively.
Two cats, 12 pounds each.
A freakin' teacup poodle, while still, technically a dog, is too small to hold his own. A dog should pose a danger, not be something you risk stepping on and squashing. You are going to go all Christophah on the Sopranos if you are not careful.
At market I see many dogs. The saddest is a teacup poodle - when I see it all I can think is "This was once a wolf".
Avoid getting that dog. You will regret it. It will make you sad. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
I had to look this breed up. Jeez, that's a small dog!
And a 3-5 year life expectancy? Just don't get too fond of the li'l critter.
At that size and life span, they really oughta be called "mosquito poodles".
Size doesn't really matter
This could get interesting. The other side of "cute":
If the human is not 100% pack leader, they may snap if they are teased or surprised. Unless given rules to follow and limits as to what the are, and are not allowed to do, this breed will tend to bark a lot. Do not let this small dog developed Small Dog Syndrome, human induced behaviors where the dog believes he is pack leader to humans. This causes varying degrees of behavior issues, including, but not limited to snapping, growling, guarding, demanding, untrustworthy with children and sometimes adults, sensitive, nervous, reserved with strangers and obsessive barking, as the dog tries to tell the humans what it is HE wants THEM to do.
On the plus side: ... remarkably intelligent. Highly responsive... Sweet, cheerful, perky and lively, they like to be with people. Delightful, very amusing and keen.
Hooking up, doggie style!
Bloggie style works too.
OMG. Say it aint so. Aimee says "Youre getting a dog..." Just like how she is getting a settee for Saugerties. I'd rather trade you the settee for the dog.
I HAVE A DOG AND WE SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY TOGETHER TODAY-BEACH, PARK, DOG CAFE, LAUNDRA MUTT-I GENTLY BATHED HIM. THEN WE WENT TO SWAMPSCOTT AND WATCHED THE SUN GO DOWN.
IT WAS PURE BLISS.
TITS.
I WANT TO "BUY A ZOO" AND BE SURROUNDED BY ANIMALS.
I LOVE ANIMALS.
PURR.
RUFF.
GROWL.
TITS.
Titus said...
I WANT TO "BUY A ZOO" AND BE SURROUNDED BY ANIMALS.
Do you wear one glove and love Disneyland too?
Teasing.
Seriously, maybe one day you could turn your family farm into a petting zoo with farm animals. Hell, you could even buy some old carnival rides and go all Michael jackson.
Call it "Whateverland"
Or better still, Titus--call it "Clumberland"
We have a cat, or rather a cat has us. Every now and again we think..."wouldn't it be nice to have a dog". Then...go NO!!!.
Potty training. Gah. I don't have the patience for that. The cat just uses her litter box. Can't let the dog out to roam or play in the yard for fear of being eaten by other wild animals: coyotes, mountain lions, etc. Or. If it gets out on the road,squashed like a bug by a logging truck or hay truck. If you let your dog roam, then expect to have a dead dog because it will get eaten, or more likely, shot by a local rancher. The cat might get eaten too but the chances of getting shot for chasing cattle, goats or sheep are pretty slim. She has survived for over 10 years so far.
Don't have completely fenced property for geographic reasons: cliff on one side and who can afford all that fencing anyway.
You can't take off for several days and leave your dog in the house. The cat is fine. She just sleeps, shits, sleeps some more and eats and only pouts for a little while when we get back to assert that she is the boss.
BUT...the main reason. I don't want to walk the dog in the winter. It seems nice in the spring and summer to take a companionable stroll with your dog. But when it is 5 degrees at night and doesn't get above freezing for days on end....no thanks.
Dude, that's just mean.
NYC is no place for a dog.
DBQ could at least get a husky. They love the cold.
Ain't no dog loves asphalt and smog.
Or better still, Titus--call it "Clumberland"
Shoot, Titus, put on your possibility glasses and see way beyond the Boston bay window.
Go with the petting zoo theme and set up a Porn Emporium next to the Clumberland family farm. Call it "HOG HEAVEN, and promote it as "Fresh Tits and Chizz".
Yeah but the settee is soaked in gasoline and sitting on the lawn at Orvil's place.
That's the only kind of settee they have in Saugerties.
Did you know that Saugerties auto corrects to Savageries?
Since Clumberland will be in Wisconsin, Titus could develop and sell deep fried chizz curds. People would prolly eat 'em up. Just don't give away the formula.
Speaking of Wisconsin lore, Ed Gein was known to give out venison sausage to friends and neighbors for Christmas back in the day. People got real freaked out when they found out he never deer hunted.
Friend of garage, I take it...
In fact, Ed's last victim was found hanging in a garage.
Oh, I had no idea who that mook was - I figured he was mayor of Madison or some other degenerate professor or something.
He was just a serial killer - they are a dime a dozen in the midwest.
Ed Gein was no run-of-the-mill serial killer.
Ed Gein was the inspiration for Norman Bates, Buffalo Bill and Leatherface!
Which should tell you something about the supply of deranged serial killers relative to the creative demand.
Never heard of him. Another misguided cheese head - a dime a dozen, I tells ya!
Bloggie style works for me. Recent posts at TOP have me recalling the blessing of dog relationship and the sadness of loss, general and specific. Last week's video of the joyful black dog running out the door and between the garages to greet Meade for a walk, hit hard. Also, the one yesterday of dog and man doing "conversation" together.
It was my privilege to be greeted many times by similar exuberance, and hold numerous conversations ranging from lighthearted and playful to serious and deep.
If Norton the Teacup is going to be part of your life, I wish you a kettle full of similar goodness.
We have been having a beautiful day here - warm, breezes from the south, I have been outside puttering - much to do, but takin' a bit of a break, sittin', relaxin', hell, if I had some moonshine I would have been sippin' that, too.
My dogs were out in the yard with me and I couldn't help but think, as I watched my black and white dog run towards me what a blessing a dog is. Dogs are great.
In honor of this subject I just turned a bowl out of dogwood. Beautiful piece of dogwood with a quilted figure.
Which is better than quilting a coat for a nominal canine unable to metabolize its own body heat. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, actually, there is, and I shall allow the comedian Ron White to speak for me on that subject. Finding the quote is an exercise for the reader.
How do you identify dogwood? By the bark, of course!
We have been having a beautiful day here - warm, breezes from the south...
Dang, son, we had rain all day.
I grew up with dogs, cats, birds, hamsters, and guinea pigs, but I've been reduced to having cats. We had a dog briefly, but my wife has never been around dogs, and it was a stretch for her. It almost knocked her off the porch when she was pregnant with our first, and we had to find him a nice home on a farm.
MY MOM WORKED PART TIME AT MENDOTA MENTAL HEALTH CENTER AND ED GEIN LIVED OUT HIS REMAINING YEARS THERE. SHE SAW HIM ALL THE TIME.
A LITTLE OLD COUNTRY MAN WHO JUST HAPPENED TO LIKE TO DIG UP GRAVES AND CUT OFF WOMENS TITS AND BUSHES AND DANCE AROUND AT NIGHT IN THE WOODS. HE WAS ALSO FOND OF NIPPLE BELTS AND LAMP SHADES MADE OUT OF SKIN.
I HAVE BEEN TO PLAIN WISCONSIN AND IT IS REALLY PLAIN, NOT FAB.
Titus, My secretary was a farm girl from Plain, Wi.
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