Fuckin' Germans!

So I am making lunch yesterday and this Mercedes coupe pulls up and this German douchenozzle couple gets out. I am cutting up the mozzarella and tomatoes for the caprese salad and the women who manages the place goes out to greet them.

Now you really aren't supposed to cook or anything and I wasn't. I was just make sandwiches and salads and stuff and of course I gave her some. She was telling me I should be a caterer because of the presentation.

Anyhoo this Kraut comes in all "Where is my room Mien Goot .....I prepaid for this .....and I prepaid for that." A real nasty attitude you know what I mean. I just shook my head.

I warned everyone. "There's Germans. They are gonna invade Poland. You better watch out."
Sure enough they come to the pool and see us using all the chairs and huff and puff. They take two chairs and walk all the way across the lawn to the water where we like to sit at night. Then they leave and don't bring the fuckin chairs back! Who do they think is gonna clean up after them. When we use a spoon we clean it for crying out loud. Pricks.

Then it happened. Every day at breakfast they set four places at the big table on the porch so we can sit together. So what do these Kraut cocksuckers do? They sit right in our spot. I mean they set up a spot for them but they decided they liked our spot better. SO THEY INVADED OUR SPOT!

So we set up at another table. It wasn't worth it to get into it with them. I mean we were downstairs first but we were having coffee while they were getting ready when they invaded behind our back. We didn't want to harsh our mellow.

But it just goes to show you. You can't trust fuckin Germans!

No more mojito's... that can't be right

We have to rectify that situation right away!

It's time to go to the pool

We just had a great breakfast of french toast breakfast, coffee, bacon and orange juice. Also a fruit cup with fresh pineapple and berries and hot buttered scones.

If we didn't have that problem with the German's it would have been perfect.

After my morning constitutional it will be time to hit the pool.

Later this afternoon we are actually going into South Hampton. We figure we have to go at least once while we are out here.

The Old Man in the Chair

We have taken to sitting in the four chairs at the waters edge to watch the sunset and see the swans.

You can see the house in the background and as usual I got it wrong. It is the Seatuck Cove House not the Seatuck Inn which is something else all together.

What it is is a little slice of heaven.

Talking about swans

I was just about to take a Swan Dive into the pool.

(Actually the wife asked me to wave as she was testing out the camera.....so I started to do the wave)

I really don't know how to do a swan dive.

The ducks are not in a row....besides they are swans anyway

Last night we sat at the edge of the water in four wooden chairs to look at the water and the sun set. So who comes swimming along but four swans.

There was the big Momma Swan and the three little swans. Just like our ducks.

We ran to get a camera and take photos. They didn't stay in line but they still were very cute.

We took this as a good omen.

Sometimes posting is not all that important!

Not when you can be poolside.

The floating devise is ready. Are you?

A View from far from the Brooklyn Bridge

This is a view from the balcony where I am blogging this right now. I am enjoying a cocktail while the wife is getting ready to go out for dinner.

Life is good.

That belly you see in the background

We are really enjoying the weather. The wind off the water is unbelievable. Chuck and I went and got cold cuts and stuff and I made a big lunch for everyone. We just spent the day lolling about and reading and swimming and taking the Sun.

The wife can't stop smiling.

Oh and the belly you see in the background is me.

There was a young man from Seatucket

Well we are off on our whirlwind four day vacation. I have been saying that we are going to the Hamptons but I am not as toney a dude as hd so I ended up in Moriches. Which is the poorer side of town.

Actually I think the town is called Eastport and the bed and breakfast we are staying at is fantastic. It's called the Seatuck Inn and it is right on the water. We have a lovely room and we are enjoying every minute of it.

Of course it started off with a bang when we pulled up at the wrong house. I was throwing my huge suitcase on the porch when this little old lady came out and asked what I was doing. I said "We are here for a couple of days. We have reservations." She said "I really have reservations...Baby Jane did you rent out a room again without telling me?" But then I saw my friend Chuck waving at me from a porch on a house down the road. So I apologized and got back in the car and drove to the right place.

And you know what. This joint is definitely the right place.

"That's it.....enough"

"THAT'S IT. STOP FOLLOWING ME. DON'T MAKE ME USE THE KOREAN CAMEL TOE ON YOU BUSTER!"

"Why doen't anyone want to see me in a bikini?'

"Why doesn't anyone want to see me in a bikini?"
"You are the wrong Kono dude."
"Oh."

"Maybe this will get him to back off"

"Maybe this will get him to back off."
"What's that Kono?"
"It's an ancient oriental martial art."
"What is it called?"
"Korean Camel Toe."

'Why is that chicken following us Kono?"

"Why is that chicken following us Kono?"
"I don't know honey. Let's stick our tongue out at him."
"Look Kono he is coming this way."
"Hurry up and finish dear we have to get out of here."

"Hey Kono looking good""

"Hey Kono looking good."
"Thanks Kamekona. Say is that chicken guy still behind me."
"Nah I think he left cousin. But I have bad news for you."
"What's that cousin?"
"You might see an even fatter guy than me without his shirt on. Trooper York is going to the Hampton's."
"Damn! Good thing they ain't coming back to Hawaii anytime soon. I was there when he did a cannonball into the pool at the Hilton Hawaiian village. It set off the tsunami alert siren."

"Seriously Steve?"

"Seriously Steve. This is getting old. Every day I have to come to work in a bikini and Dan-O gets to wear whatever he wants. How is that fair?"
"I don't know what to tell you. That's just the way it is. Oh and Kono?"
"Yes."
"The weird chicken dude is still following you. And he is wearing a snorkel. What's up with that?"

One question Steve?

"One question Steve?"
"What's that Kono?"
"Why am I the only one who has to come to work in a bikini?"
"Hey it's in the regulations what can I say."
"Oh and Steve?"
"Yes?"
"Why is that chicken staring at me all the time?"

3,000

I want to join with ripic and ndspinelli and Meade in congratulating the Captain on his 3,000 hit. A home run no less.

Class tells.

Our clothes have Mass Appeal.

So we get a call at the restaurant. Our cousin Anthony is back in Brooklyn and is at the store. He had just celebrated his first Mass as a Catholic priest as I had previously spoken about before.
Well he wanted to celebrate Mass in Lee Lee's Valise. So we finished up and went back to store.

He had already set up. We had chairs set up and the wife and I and our two employees got ready to hear Mass. Just then the window washer guy showed up. I told him to take a hike and locked up so we wouldn't be disturbed.

The Mass was beautiful. I did the readings and Anthony blessed us and the store. (And all the clothes so if you buy one you will get a special blessed dress....just sayn'). Since it was once a Mafia social club back in the day it could do with a little blessing.

It was a wonderful service and a great way to end the day. With all the crazy something spiritual and good came at the end to remind us what was really important.

And he got to use his good chalice. Cool.

What a crazy day yesterday with "What Not to Wear"

It was a crazy day yesterday. "What Not to Wear" did a day two shopping which is always a big deal. But yesterday was exceptionally rough. They had a crew of 22 people jammed in the store. Plus visitors.

My poor AC couldn't hold up. Plus it was a new crowd and they didn't know what they were doing.
There were a few old faces but the new ones were bad. They were very sloppy and I made a mistake not watching them like a hawk. I usually stay in the back room and watch what is going on there with the crew that is not involved in the filming. Plus I have no reason to be out front. When Stacy or Clinton want to talk to me they come to the back. Sometimes they use the computer or what not. But the new crew fucked up. We just noticed it today. They left stuff around like coffee cups on our antique furniture and the make up twat left a brush and some makeup out on one of the credenza's. One of the crew almost broke our big mirror and got his dirty fingerprints on the top of our dressing room which I just noticed today. I will have to talk to them. Forcefully the next time they are in.

So far they have filmed three episodes and we have been in two of them. So we might be a while before they come back. Or maybe not. If they have girls in our size range we are just about the only game in town.

When the crew finally left, Stacy and Clinton and the stylist stayed to work with the principal to try on clothes and do a fitting. They like to hang out when the crowd is gone cause it was relaxed. A couple of our regular customers came in and did some shopping. Since I have a new crew of good employee's we were able to get out early so we took two of our customers out for dinner at "Mama Maria's" that I was talking about the other day.

Then we got a call. It got even crazier.

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio

I love Mickey like a real American

I been chasing pavements all day

"Crazy it's just Crazy Man!"

Just sayn'

It takes a lot to produce a TV show.

It takes a lot of people and a lot of time to produce a TV show. There are camera people and sound people and the girl who goes out for coffee. Sometimes the subject of WNTW get's lost in the shuffle. So I always take them aside and let them know if they need anything like some water or something to eat. They are always very appreciative.

We are in contact with many of the girls who shopped in the store after their episode aired. They become part of our extended family.

As it should be.

It is a long day!

It is boiling hot in NYC today and with the crew of twenty and all the hot lights my air conditioning didn't work for shit. So I have to go yell at the Russian guy who serviced my air conditioner to find out WTF!

Even Clinton started to run out of steam and he is usually at the top of his game. It was just way too hot.

I haven't seen him this distressed since a crazed stalker professor cornered him a few years ago.

WNTW is finished filming!

It was a very busy day. The subject was pretty tall and loved the clothes they put her in. We worked with one of our favorite stylists so everything went pretty smoothly even though it is a lot of work.

Stacy and Clinton hung around after the shooting to help her sort through her purchases as to what she is going to wear in the reveals.

Remembrance of things Pabst

So we finished work late last Friday and we decided to go out for dinner. We wanted to try something new and decided to walk up Court St instead of down towards our house. You see we normally walk down Court towards 3^rd Place to go home and hit all of the places in that direction. We go to the Wine and Cheese and Casa Rosa and Nine D Thai and the Mexican Joint. That’s one of the reasons we never go to Sam’s because it is out of the way. But we decided to try a place that has been around a long while but we have never tried. ‘Mama Maria’s.”

Now this is the little restaurant that they opened next to Sal’s pizzeria on Court St. Now I ate my first piece of pizza in that shop when it was still Tom’s pizzeria in 1963. I was just a kid and my dad brought me in after I got my first big boy hair cut. Eventually the guy who owns it now bought it in the early 1970’s I think.

I have told you that Carroll Gardens is all about beef’s. You have a beef with the owner of a store and you don’t go in there for the next thirty years or so. That’s sorta what happened with Sam’s even though it wasn’t my beef but my best friends. Well he has a beef with the owner of this joint too. In fact his wife was gonna rent the store across the street that they guy owns until my friend got involved. The landlord is getting ready to do the lease and looks at my friend and goes “Do I know you.” And he goes “Yeah you wouldn’t put any ham in my calzone.” “I remember you….I no a renta to you…you crazy bastard.” His wife was distraught. She asked when did this argument happen. It was relatively recently. 1975. So they lost the space.

Anyway I don’t have a beef with the owners as I wasn’t there at the time. Also I sort of became friends with the owner’s son who is running the joint now. We were allied in fighting the Merchants Association when they tried to do a “Business Improvement District.” He was there with a bunch of the Italians from Carroll Gardens who were screaming along with a bunch of Arabs from Cobble Hill that owned all the stuff up there. They were wailing and carrying on. I just waited patiently. When the City’s representative came to the meeting I started asking questions. You see I had done my homework. Questions like “Are we liable if the BID get’s sued.” “They never got sued.” “Yes they did here is the article from the Times where the Grand Central BID was sued and had to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars.” I had a bunch of questions like that for which this poor sucker had no answers. All the crazies quieted down and watched while I sorta destroyed the guy. It was in the winter in the Bank with the heat way up and the guy got so uncomfortable that he fainted dead away on the floor. I said “O shit. We are gonna look bad.” I told the pizza store guy “fall on the floor and pretend you having a stroke to even up the odds.”

I didn’t want the yuppie girls who owned boutiques to vote for the BID because we were mean to the douchenozzle from the city.

Anyway after that a bunch of guys asked me to do their taxes including the guys who owned the Pizza store. But I had to decline as I was getting out of the business. But I made a lot of friends like the owners of this joint.

We went in to eat at the small adjoining restaurant called Mama Maria’s that is next to the pizza store. It was terrific. He has a pasta machine from Italy that makes this unbelievable fresh pasta. I had gnocchi in pesto that was off the hook. The wife had tortellini in a veal ragu that was superb. It was one of the best Italian meals I had in a long time. For desert he has a range of homemade gelato that is like heaven. I had the zuppa d’ ingles gelato that was one of the best I have ever had. Who knew that this hidden treasure was just a couple of blocks in the other direction? It is our new go-to place. In fact I think I am taking everyone there tonight after we finish fixing up the store for the filming of “What Not to Wear.”

Tonight they have a steak special.

They are back!

They already filmed one episode of 'What Not to Wear" two weeks ago at the store and they are doing another this week. I think. The new production staff is not up to par so we shall see what we shall see.

It makes for a very busy time.

Our new Anna Lucia's are in!

Our new Anna Lucia's are in and they are just like the shirt dresses that Luci and Mrs. Cleaver used to wear. We have them in navy blue, stone, red and Luci polka dot in navy blue.

They are hot, hot, hot.

Happy Fouth of July

Happy Fourth of July everybody.

We spent it relaxing and off the computer. Hope you did the same.

Laura Bush's Diary

So we are up at Kennebunkport this July 4^th because W’s folks are getting up there so we don’t know how long they will be around. Now we all love Poppy and we want to hang with him as much as possible but his bug eyed bitch of a wife is gonna outlive us all. I mean fueled with tequila and downers she is gonna be older than dirt for crying out loud.

But be that as it Willie Mays we were all sitting around the yard having a barbecue. Jeb’s wife Juanita was whipping up a batch of tamales and burritos and some shit like that there and we were knocking back the Lone Star and PBR’s munching on pork rinds and farting. We shot the shit about a lot of stuff. The gays are all getting married in New York. Wondering if Eddie Koch is gonna send us an invitation to his nuptials. That stupid Frog who stuck his dick in the face of that maid in New York. And all the political news. Then the talk turned to the courts and what not.

First we all laughed about those douches out in Wisconsin. It seems they were smacking each other around and what not and getting all the bloggers all excited about the bullshit going on. Then Poppy spoke up from his rockin’ chair. “Why that’s nothing kids. You know that there is a lot of violence going on the Supreme Court right now even as we speak.”

Now I couldn’t let that go without asking. You see Poppy has a lot of friends on both sides of the aisle and everybody tells him what’s going on. I mean after all he is America’s elder stateman. Who are they going to go to for advice? Jimmy Carter? You got to be kidding? Bill Clinton? Well if you want to know how to get a blow job from the maid he’s your go to guy. But most everyone else in the government both Republican and Democrat go to Poppy for advice.

“What do mean Poppy? Is Clarence getting frisky with the clerks and their coke cans or what?” I asked.

“No it’s not Clarence. It’s that Ruth Buzzi Ginsberg. She is always hauling off and hitting everyone with her string pocket book. It can be a real pain in the ass” laughed Poppy.

“Wait. Who? I thought her name is Ruth Bader Ginsberg” blurted out Jeb. You see poor Jeb is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I mean when he stuck his dick in the maid he had to marry her.

“That’s her married name from her second marriage” said Poppy. “Her real name was Ruth Buzzi. She used to be on that show Laugh In back in the 1960’s”

“I didn’t know that Dad” W piped up as he was scarfing up a pork rind and cutting a loud one. “Didn’t you go out there with Tricky Dick when he went on the show in 1968?”

“Yes I did son. I was just a young whippersnapper then and I was part of Nixon’s advance team. My Dad sent me out to keep an eye on Nixon for the Tri-lateral commission. Him and Meyer had bought and paid for him and they didn't want to get fucked. That was my first real experience with Hollywood. They were all sucking up to Dick because he was just elected President. All of the girls were hitting on him. Judy Carne wanted hime to fix her visa. Joanne Worley. Even Goldie Hawn took a shot. But Dick was pretty straight so to speak. Until the cast party when everybody got piss ass drunk. I mean Nixon wasn’t a drinker. He ordered a Virgin Mary but Ruth Buzzi spiked it and after two of them he was smashed. She maneuvered him out of the room into her dressing room. Now the Secret Service wasn’t as strict as they are now. So they let the principal do whatever they wanted as long as they thought it was harmless. I mean what would Ruth Buzzi do? But my Dad Prescott told me to keep him out of trouble. I was distracted because I was talking to Agnes Moorhead who was a guest that week.”

“Yes that fucking whore” screeched old Barb from her wheelchair. “You always had the hots for that slut!”

“Now, now Barb calm down. That was 60 years ago for crying out loud. You need to stop it. Do I bust your chops about Sky Low Low anymore? There is a such a thing as a statue of limitations” Poppy yelled back.

“They can make a Statue of Limititations of your Dick you wimpy Cocksucker” replied my nasty old bag of a mother-in-law “It would be a tiny one you fuck.” But she got distracted when WWE Raw came on and turned away to the TV.

“Anyway” Poppy continued “When I noticed Dick was missing I went looking for him. And I saw under this curtain there was a pair of wing tipped shoes with a pair of pants dropped on them. So I pulled the curtain and there was Dick. And Ruth. And she was giving him the Rusty Trombone. Well pandemonium ensued.”

We all broke up and laughed our ass off. “So what happened next Poppy” I asked?

“Well we got him out of there and made sure that we wouldn’t let Ruth Buzzi have any further contact with him. She called and wrote and came to the White House and everything. She even blew Bebe Robozo to try to get close to Dick. So to speak. But we were able to block any contact with her. E Howard Hunt got some photos of her giving a Cleveland Steamer to Fred Silverman and we got her to back off. Eventually she got really frustrated. So she did what most frustrated failures do when they can’t get what they want. She went to law school and eventually became a law professor. And then they named her to the Court. And when the decisions don’t go her way she hauls off and hits them with her purse just like she used to do to Artie Johnson. She is a feeble old bitch so they don’t make a big thing out of it like they do in Wisconsin. But whenever one of the Justices has a shiner or a bruise you can bet it is because Ruth Buzzi Ginsberg hauled off and socked it to ‘em.”

So I guess Wisconsin is just following Supreme Court precedent. How about that?

Whose that Dad?

He was a little confused with his first baby and wanted to have a baby on a stick. But his wife stood pat and stopped his shenanigans. Whose that Dad?

Whose that Nurse?

Is she a nurse or is she just a radio fiend? In any event whose that girl?

I hate when I don't feel good.

I have been fighting off an lung infection the last week or so. It was really knocking me out. I always used to get something similar at the end of the tax season when the stress and the overwork would just knock me on my ass. But we have been going nonstop for weeks with the store and winding down the accounting practice and the secret project. So I am really dragging ass.

So much so that I actually went to the doctor which I do about every decade. He prescribed an antibiotic. Now I never take an antibiotic when I am sick. I just use Nyquil and Vic's Vapor Rub and Luedens cough drops and man up and fight my way through it. But I was not able to do it this time so I broke down and got some pills. I have been taking them and it is working well especially since I am not immune to the effects as I never take them so they are cleaning me out if you know what I mean.

We are taking off Monday and Tuesday of next week so hopefully I can get some rest. Of course they are going to film "What Not to Wear" next Thursday so we will have another crazy week but hopefully I can rest enough so I am not dragging ass.

Thanks for all the good wishes.

So I got my Chaka Khan's aligned

So last week the wife and I went for a massage. But it wasn't one of those pleasurable ones you get at the hotel spa when you are on vacation. It was a deep tissue massage that was really a medical massage. It hit all the pressure points to release the toxins that have built up in our systems.

One of our new customers told us about her practice in which she does a medical massage. We both have been feeling poorly and we needed something for our various aches and pains. So on our day off we went to get a massage.

At the risk of having the Crack Emcee lose his mind, she is also into this healing thing with stones and electromagnetic stuff or something. I didn't really understand it but I figured it couldn't hurt. But the massage sure did.

She dug in there with her fingers into my bad leg and my shoulder and the pain was excruciating. But I have to admit after it I felt much better. Of course the next day I thought I was gonna die. It released all of the toxins and I had to drink gallons of water to flush it out of my system. I just recovered a couple of days ago.

But there was one funny thing that happened. Now you know the deal about me and cats.
I mean I love pussy but I hate cats. I scieve them. But whenever a cat sees me it has to come over and rub against my leg or sit in my lap or something. The bar cat might come up from the basement and all the girls will go "Oh here cute kitty...come here" and the fucking fleaball will make a b-line right to me. So the masseuse has a cat that was sitting motionless on a tall piece of furniture. I thought it was stuffed until it moved after staring at me for ten minutes straight. It sits there the whole time the wife is getting a massage. But when it's my turn it jumps down to the floor. So I go "Watch out for the cat because cats love me" and she goes "Oh don't worry she won't jump on the table, she is well trained." So you know what it does. It goes to the next room and knock all my clothes down and makes a nest of them and goes to sleep in it. With her fucking disgusted cat head sticking out of the leg hole of my shorts. What the Fuck? The wife had to chase it away and put my stuff on a high shelf where it couldn't get at it. It was just a pain in the ass.

But at least one good thing happened. Titus will be pleased. I got my Chaka Kahn aligned.

I just gotta Get up offa that thing

Everybody I mean Everbody!

Keep it real people

The real thing

Sorry I was not around...I had to go see somebody.

But I was a little under the weather. The long work weeks have been kicking my ass. I have been busy with closing down my accounting practice, working in the store and working on my new big project.

So I got really run down with a bad cold that had bad side effects. The wife forced me to go to the doctor and he gave me some anti-boitics and cough medicine. Since I have never taken anti-biotics they worked really well and destroyed the cold. The only problem is that it makes you drowsy and I had to rest.

I will be back in full mode on Friday.

Thank's for keeping the comment's section hopping while I was away.

Sometimes you can keep saying it over and over....

But some people can't get the point.

Or points. So to speak.

Why did the chicken go to Hawaii?

To get to the other side?

Side of what?

What am I talking about?

I am very tired.

Did you ever forget your glasses?

I forgot them the other day. I couldn't read anything. I thought they would have these new super duper contraptions by the year 2000. What a gyp.

Whose that Dick?

Better yet. Whose that Robot?

Ok I was busy.

We had a tremendously big sales day today. Humongous. Stupendous. Heroic. As big as your head.

So to speak.

It's no longer there in black and white

"Why are we stopping here Selina?"

"Oh I was just thinking of the one who got away."

"Ah so you had one too. Mine was named Herb. I still remember how his white shoes would match his belt and blended into his plaid jacket."

"My was my therapist. He left me one day. Without a word of explanation. It was very strange."

"Well who can figure men out. My last guy wore a toupee and liked to pose for nude photos. And he loved to use his CB radio. I had to throw him out. I mean what is this 1972?"

"I know what will cheer us up. Let's go get the pool boy and have a three way just like we used too?"

"Groovy."

I told a pretty funny joke.....

I don't know if you caught it. But I have to say I laughed. And you would have too if you were awake. Just sayn'

Whose that dick/

Well I bet you know who one of those dicks can be but can you name the one talking to him?

He was featured in a recent "Laura Bush's Diary" and is a pretty important dude in his own right.

Whose that not Tricky Dick?

Whose those bitches?

Hey it's a three way. Not a three way anybody wants to be involved in but a three way all the same.

Countless times you have seen this skinny girls on the TV while they are playing with unicorns and pots of gold.

Whose those bitches?

I am kinda loving my kindle....whoda thunk it?

I am your basic old school guy. I try to do almost everything the way we used to do it back in the day. So when the kindle came out I was all against it. I love the feel of a book. I read them over and over. Recently when "Game of Thrones" came on everyone was amazed about how much I remember about it but that was only because I had read it about twenty times.

I remember who I scoffed about the kindle and that I would never use it. Then the wife bought it for me and I am loving it. Now she only bought it because she hates my books. You see I have them all over the place. Piles and piles of them. Of all kinds. History, mystery, science fiction and cooking. She just freaks out that I have so many. So she thought with the kindle the tall piles of books wouldn't be falling over all the time.

I have been buying books on the kindle like it is going out of style. I just have to think of one and then I order it for about five bucks. It sort of reminds me of when CD's came out. I have some stuff on vinyl, cassette and CD's. I am just chugging along buying stuff left and right.

Oh and I bought the whole "Game of Thrones" four book set. And I reread them.

It was great.

Hey quck...whose that dick?

And he is not a weiner. Or a winner. Or a kicker. He didn't to kick the ball around anymore.

Whose that dick?