The Return of the Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now it seems that new developments lead me to believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were.

The Yard has ceased its inquiries into the doings of this disreputable salon as contact has soiled the reputations and the very psyche of any agents we have sent to observe the untoward activities of these demented sybarites. However it has been communicated to us that the name of Lord Douchebag has been mentioned several times in the last few days. In fact the foul leader of this coven has written to all of her disciples asking that Lord Douchebag be remembered and celebrated. This seems passing strange as he seems to have been forgotten by all and sundry these many months. Why bring him up now? Perhaps there is some fresh devilment in store as the Devil casts out for the help of her lesser demons. It is passing strange and I request you thoughts as to why it has happened.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I would note that he had a terrible falling out with Lady Chatterley or more accurately with her lover the underemployed gardener. I understand he has been out of communication with most of his friends and has not appeared at the club for quite some time. I hope all is well with him.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899