Hell needs a new PA Announcer

(Hells waiting room)
Lucifer: Damn we have been getting nothing but losers lately. Who’s up next Forcas?
Forcas: We have famous lesbian socialite and band-aid heiress Casey Johnson.
Lucifer: Jeez not another lesbian. I had enough problems with regular broads. Lesbians are twice the trouble. They are just a pain the ass getting all feminist and shit. At least the gay dudes don’t butch it up too much for crying out loud.
Forcas: I believe she is a lipstick lesbian my lord.
Lucifer: Lipstick, dipstick it’s the same kettle of fish. So to speak. I just don’t want to hear it you know. I mean this is Hell and all but what the hell do I have to about how the woman’s Hell softball team should get the same stadium as the football teams. Who the fuck wants to watch field hockey anyway? Except as punishment. And those freakin’ sandals they wear, what’s up with that shit, why don’t we get a royalty on that shit since it was designed right here in hell. I mean com’on enough already. I tell you I am really not looking forward to when Rosie O’Donnell shows up. That’s gonna suck.
Forcas: But my lord, Eleanor Roosevelt is one of your favorite denizens of the Underworld. As is Marlene Dietrich.
Lucifer: Well shit yeah. Eleanor is always ready for a party. I mean the stuff she does with the dog from the little rascals is funny shit. And Marlene sings that sad shit and Hitler and Goebbels and all the boys get all sad and weepy, I mean you need that in hell. Well send in this hosebag and let’s get the show on the road.
Forcas: Yes master.
Casey Johnson: What’s going on? Where am I?
Lucifer: You’re in hell beyotch. Where did you think you were? West Covina?
Casey Johnson: How can this be Hell? I was sure Paris and Bijou would be here before me?
Lucifer: Don’t worry, Paris will be along directly. She still has to have her marriages to Tiger Woods and two out of three of the Jonas brothers before she has that unfortunate botox tragedy. Now go and read the announcements and we can see if your life can be a little easier around here.

Casey Johnson: Okay Lucy-kins….ATTENTION…ATTENTION….ALL THE TOURTURED SOULS IN HELL…..Like well you know…will Senators Tom Dodd, Al Gore Sr. and Prescott Bush report to the “My son is a douche room” to watch videos of happy fathers and sons opening Christmas presents not found in brown paper bags….totally…will Arnold Rothstein, Lucky Luciano and John Gotti report the accounting department to work on the budget…will…..like…oh my God….Marilyn Monroe is here… uuhhh will Miss Norma Jean report to the wind tunnel with fifty candles to try to light the candles in the 50 mile an hour wind ….and like will that gnarly Sammy Davis Jr. report to the snow globe for a three way with Catherine the Great and Trigger.
Lucifer: That was terrible. What are you a fuckin’ Valley girl? That’s so fucking eighties you douche. I mean I know you suffered a lot in life having to lick that Tia Tequila and all but this is not acceptable. Take her away boys.(Two burly demons grab her and drag her away)
Casey Johnson: Wait, let me try again…my daddy’s rich…he can get you Viagra and stuff…no wait….sssssstttttttoooopppppppppp!!!!!!!
Lucifer: Jeeeez I hate when they beg. Man I can't wait till Seacrest gets here. Hey I know. It’s hard to torture someone who had their head up Tia Tequlia’s cootch but I got the perfect punishment. Let her watch her father’s Jet’s team in their big playoff loss this week. On an endless loop. Same old Jet’s. Now that’s some punishment. Hee.