What I did this week would send the Crack Emcee off on a murder spree. We are trying everything we can to relax and prepare for what is ahead of us. So the wife decides we should go to this spa on the corner that we pass everyday and has all this bullshit that is supposed to help you relax and stuff. You know get our Chaka Khan's in alignment.
First we got the eyebrows threaded. Now we only did that because the girl who does it shops in the store and we always try to return the favor. But while we were there we saw that they did acupuncture so we decided to try it. We both have pain issues and we hoped that this could help. We talked to one of the partners who explained the whole deal to us. So we booked appointments at the same time.
They put you in this room which is the typical spa room if you ever went to get a massage or something. You know. The massage table with the paper sheet. You lay down and they stick you full of needles. Now the wife went first and I had to stay in the room with her until they put in all the needles in case she couldn't stand it and I had to make them stop. But it wasn't so bad and she was ok with it as they didn't really put in all that many needles. So she was ok and I went to my room. And she put about fifty needles in me. She said I needed a lot of help. Or she just didn't like me. Whatever. It actually seemed to help. I know I went right to sleep and slept through the whole appointment. Of course I am very tired. I can sleep through anything. The wife fidgeted through her appointment but I just relaxed. Sometimes a clean conscience is the best defense.
Anyhoo when my time was done the needle lady said that I should join my wife in a consultation with the "Holistic director." Now you know what that is about. Upselling. Perfectly acceptable. We do it too. You know you buy a dress and we try to sell you the accessories that match it. Most people want that. But if they don't you back off right away. So this skinny twat is droning on and on. She asked questions about stuff like our diet. I guess she figured we ate fast food or frozen pizza or some shit because we are fat. But the wife threw her a curve ball. "Oh my husband goes to the store every day and buys fresh meats and vegetables and cooks me a fresh meal everyday." So she was nonplussed. She starts saying stuff "Well meat is good for some people but a healthy way to go is to go vegan and start juicing your meals."
I didn't say anything. I just sat there and stretched my neck and stuff. I am trying to turn over a new leaf. I am meeting a lot of California trendy assholes lately and I can't call them all out. So I sat there and let her bullshit because it would be over soon enough. I mean this was her rice bowl. Well her brown rice bowl. We all have our jobs to do. So I didn't get involved. She said her spiel and gave the wife all the information. The only time she turned to me she said "Oh and you know what you can do for exercise....you should try Tai Chi." I shook my head and said "Sorry Sweetheart but I don't do Tai Chi. I do Tsingtao."
Sometimes I can't help it, I just have to be a douche.
22 comments:
I wonder if there is a Tai Chi move called "Cut off head stuff body in sewer"? If not, I would hold off starting until such a move is invented.
Wait a minute. I saw that move in "Seven Samauri."
Or maybe "Cleopatra Jones and the Temple of Gold."
I prefer Mai-Tai Chi.
Did you get anything out of it, Troop? Doesn't really sound like it.
The acupuncture was good. I got to sleep for half an hour. That is cool.
Not worth what I paid for it but I was willing to try it.
Crack is right about the New Age bullshit.
But I don't want to rain on their parade. Live and let live I say.
As we left the vegan girl I told the wife we had to stop off to buy some bacon.
Bacon is good.
Oh God NO! Vegetarian diet bad bad bad for you.had a nurse friend of mine who was a Vegan for years, he just became diabetic. Look up Paleo/ Primal/ Low Carb, good healthy fats and lots of em.
Lots of good NON starchy vegetables , some fruits, mostly berries, cream in coffee, full fat Greek yogurt
and YES bacon is good for you and so are eggs. Avoid wheat at all costs,read Dr. Davis book, Wheat Belly.
OK , no charge.
I ate this way for the last 9 months and feel better than ever, lost 30 pounds to boot.
January 6, 2012 10:57 PM
Seriously, anybody interested I will post dozens of links.
It's worked for me, though I do eat wheat when I'm carb loading.
Did you post a cheesecake recipe?
No but I have some, sugar free.
I'm guessing the folks aren't Chinese. I was told you need to go to an acupuncturist who is part of the culture, that's why we go to Qing. Firstly, if you are accepting the energy provided by the needles, you should sleep. I get drool naps when I go.
Regarding the holistic, if they're trying to sell you on vegan they're bogus. Qing is a big proponent of meat, but the right kind of meats based on your blood type. She had us read Eating for Your Blood Type. So many folks don't even know their blood type, I did but my bride didn't. Qing says "too much dairy" and she's right. When I moved to Wi. I couldn't believe all the fucking dairy they eat here. So, cutting back was easy, not so much for my bride. Qing doesn't like gluten but I tell her no deal on that. But, the biggest food rule she drills is eating what's in season and eating meats w/ the proper season.."Winter, pork and lamb." The funny thing is the tongue reading, every week we stick out our tongue and she studies it. I of course bust Qing's balls about culture and shit and she loves it..gives it back some now that she's comfortable. When she said, "you eat gluten free pasta" I said back,"No rice for you!" She got the Soup Nazi reference!
If you follow Chinese holistic it is the antithesis of New Age, it is real Old Age.
I looked at the "eat right for your type" thing but where was I gonna find yak and mammoth meat?
Allie, Said "to boot" that is classic Cheesehead, girl...classic. It's like hearing those Gophers say in Fargo.."You're darn tootin'"
Can't deny being a Cheesehead. :)
The Eat right for Your Type would have me eating a Vegetarian diet, NEVER happen. I always was a meat eater, love high fat foods, I felt awful eating a carby semi vegetarian diet, gained 30 pounds.
Bad science , or worse bogus science.
At Trooper York we cherish the girls who eat the meat. Just sayn'
Trooper!! Schmutzig!
Sometimes I can't help it, I just have to be a douche.
Whew! You had me worried there.
No biggie, Troop - when I was married, I indulged the wife with all kinds of stuff, following her around in NewAge bookstores and shit (she bought me a swedish massage once, which turned out to be at a gay guy's house, and after I gave him all the proper signals I was there for a *massage* we got along grand - and he did a terrible job - whereas a Chinese lady practically broke me in two one time, doing shiatsu, and I slept like a baby for a while there, too) but, if I had known what I do now, I never would've done any of it.
Women.
ndspinelli,
If you follow Chinese holistic it is the antithesis of New Age, it is real Old Age.
Is not - it's all bullshit - even the Chinese in China don't really do this shit anymore (just as people in India aren't really into yoga because you end up like this and they all want to be computer programmers now,...)
NewAge is a fool's game, making con artists rich off the suckers, in a kind-of "spiritual" pyramid scheme. Troop's got the right idea, but he's been properly warned and informed;
I've seen to THAT,...
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