Andrew Sullivan's Sex Crazed Beagle Quarterly

I am impressed that he got Sarah Palin to judge the Beagle Beauty contest.

It just goes to show you that even the most extreme foes can work together for a common goal.

Andrew Sullivan's Sex Crazed Beagle Quarterly

I hate when I get unsolicited emails asking me to suscribe to a new on-line magizine.

I mean who the hell wants to read "Andrew Sullivan's Sex Crazed Beagle Quarterly?"

Garage Mahals Road Kill Korner

Garage Mahal said on the evil blogger lady's site....

Eh, no. Not even close, jackass, by my own admission. I neither poached, or ate it, or ever mentioned I did. It's starting to make sense though - you guys either can't read, or you just read what you want to read.

Now you know that is not true Garage. Why did you send me this snapshot and your recipe for poached possum?

By the way, I think you went too heavy on the cumin.

Don't step in the mainstream!

To be a card carrying member of the Main Stream media it is required that you direct your stream solely at Republicans and conservatives. There has been long tradition of very pissed off journalists who enjoy voiding their bladders over anyone more conservative than George McGovern. It began with the rivalry between George Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst which originated in the frenzy that led up to the Spanish American War. Their competition was so fierce that it led to Mr. Hearst taking out his enormous penis to urinate on the steps of the White House to protest President McKinley’s inertia in light of the provocation of the Spaniards. This action led to two unforeseen consequences. The heavy yellow stream caused by Mr. Hearst’s addiction to pineapple juice led to the creation of the type of “Yellow Journalism” where the journalist is more important than the story. It continues to this very day in the work of such giants as Geraldo Rivera, Bill O’Reilly and Christine Amanpour. And the rumors of the size of his enormous penis led to long affair with Marion Davies as well as the fascination with black men by his granddaughter Patti that led to her alleged kidnapping by the Symboinese Liberation Army.
(Truth Doesn’t Even Have It’s Pants On, The History of the Main Stream Media, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2006)

Look out for the Main Stream!

The term main stream media was first coined by Walter Jenkins during the administration of Lyndon Johnson. President Johnson was fond of the saying that he wanted the press to on “the inside of the tent pissing out instead of the outside of the tent pissing in.” Mr. Jenkins was in charge of maintaining an clear even flow of news that would be going in the direction that the White House favors or what the called the “Main Stream.” It was also a handy device to refer to those members who liked to pee on Mr. Jenkins when he took a wide stance in various men’s rooms in the Washington DC area.
(Truth Doesn’t Even Have It’s Pants On, The History of the Main Stream Media, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2006)

Let there be blood!

I have to schedule my operation to cauterize my varicose veins for next month.

Which brings me to this question. Whose that girl?

If I wasn't a happily married man I wouldn't mind having her injected into my bloodstream. Can you guess who it is?

Commenter Memories Number 25

You know before Theo played the flute he was in a rock band. But it didn't work out. Nobody was interested in Beethoven goes Electric.

He is a man ahead of his time.

Commenter Memories Number 24

Hey our friend Vicky from Pasedena sent us this great photo of her party celebrating the Laker's win of the NBA Championship. She fired up the bong and even Miss Kitty took a couple of hits.

Those Californians are like crazy man!

Hey it's time for the wine tasting!

Hey it's time for the wine tasting!

Not the one on the cruise. That's over and done with and we feel good.

No it's time to adjurn to the wine and cheese and crack open a couple of bottles and try to relax.

Look out ....it's the towel ray!!!!!

I think that's the one that got the Crocodile Hunter!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah that's very interestin...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Yeah, I love it when you dicusss these important politcal matters it just so...............ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Sarah Palin is President!

There will be a moose in every driveway! And all the children will rejoice!

Hey my Uncle is not the only one who likes funny hats!

Now if mommy would only make me some fish sticks for dinner, I will be happy!

Hurry up, we have to get to the mall before Canada closes!

I managed to cajole everyone to leave the immediate area of the ship to take a little walk. We went to the Market Square Mall and waterfront district which was about a block away from the ship. But that was about as far as most of the family would go. Walking is just not their thing. Suburban kids never walk anywhere. They are used to riding in the minivan or the SUV. So the idea of just walking around town to check out the sites just freaked them out.

Not that there is a lot to see in Canada.

They killed Independent George.

Costanza looks a lot different in real life. Just sayn'

Has anyone told PETA?

Has anyone told PETA that there is a lot of abuse of towel animals going on in the cruise industry.

I am pretty sure that one of our waiters is having sex with them. Just sayn'

When Sarah Palin is President......

Every kid will have his own pet moose.

Back to work!

So I have to open the store today. As I stop off in the "Fancy Pants" cafe to pick up a coffee I run into a guy I know from back in the day. He was all dressed in his colors because he joined a motorcycle club. Not a gang like the Hells Angels or anything but a club of guys from Brooklyn who ride every weekend. He was on his way to a ride to Montauk and back. I said hello and hows the family and all that stuff.

When I opened the store a woman was waiting to come in. She desperately wanted to buy some "Skinny Britches" which is this no product from Spanx. It is a slimming garment in a lot of vibrant pastels that they sell in a "boy short" style that is extremely popular. So popular that when I get it in, the girls buy every one I have almost immediately. One girl bought seven pairs in one shot. Every color. So I can't keep it in the store.

Then I helped a girl buy a non-traditional wedding dress for her marriage next month. She got a snappy white dress that we had bought for the girls who go to "white" parties in the Hampton's during the summer. Perfect for a beach wedding.

So after she leaves I think to myself. "I definitely know too much about women's clothing."

Hey it has to be Five O'clock somewhere!

Finding Santa Cristina on the cruise inspired me to pick up a couple of cases when we got home. I had them delivered from the wine store as I am too old to carry them anymore. I put them in to chill. Although most people like to drink red wine at room tempature that is not indicated when it is 90 degrees like it is today. So a light chill will work.

We are going to sit in the yard tonight with some wine and cheese and olives and figs and grapes and just relax.

You have to rest up from your vacation.

Why am I am I always sitting at the Kiddie table of life?

"Yeah sure. I will watch all the pocketbooks. And the Baby. Just bring me back a couple of hot dogs. And a beer. And none of that Canadian swill. A Guinness or a Bass Ale at the very least."

One question though?

"Okay everybody squish together so we can get a picture of you."
"Look at the camera. Smile."
"Pay attention. Look at me."
"One question though?"
"Why the fuck does Al Roker keep trying to get in the picture?"

Hey it's five o'clock somewhere!

Thank God that O'Leary's was open. We had hit it the last time we were in town and decided to get a quick drink before we got back on the ship.

One of the owners was there and introduced himself. But he was way too low key. He kept trying to get the bartenders attention but he kept ignoring us to screw around with his cronies. The guy kept apologizing to me but I didn't care. I just called over to the other bartender at the other end of the bar to get our drinks. You have to take control. This guy didn't have a clue. Thank God that it is not my job to teach these guys how to run a bar anymore.

Why am I always sitting at the Kiddie Table of life?

My granddaughter is holding our little niece who is only seven months old and on her first cruise. She had a great time.

This is her reaction as I was pouring her wine.

Hey I found her! Let's get on the ship and get out of this rathole!

I finally found Tennille and we went back to the ship. Not before picking up some booty. Well some books. We bring our own booty wherever we go.

So to speak.

Why am I always sitting at the Kiddie Table of life?

I told the wife that I was not going to be responsible for any of these pack of kids while we were on the cruise. You see with went with the wife's sister and her in-laws and her best friend with all of her kids. A whole shitload of kids. There were three tables assigned to us. The sister-in law sat at one with her kids and her best friend and their husbands and her kids and her in-laws. Then there was another table with the rest of the in-laws. And then there was one with me the wife and our granddaughter.

Well first off all of her cousins wanted to sit with my granddaughter. Then all the friends kids wanted to sit with them too. So it ended up that it was me, the wife and about ten kids. Like it always does. We are at the kiddie table. Again. You see they all love their Aunt Lisa. She is always with the kids and talking with them and playing with them. She is a big old softie.

Me I am Old School. So I discipline them. Sit down stupid. Cut it out. Act like ladies and gentlemen. I taught them all about how to order wine and let them order off of the real menu. How to order a steak or a lobster. None of that chicken fingers bullshit. You need to learn that when you are five years old. Kids like it when you keep them in line.

HEY KID!! GET OFF OF MY LAWN!!!!

It started out so well....right until we lost site of the Statue of Liberty!

The cruise started out so well! The weather was great and we got a lot of great shots of the Statue of Liberty. They even filmed the wife and the granddaughter and me for the ship's video as I was shooting pictures of them as we left the harbor.

But the farther and farther we got away from Lady Liberty.....the colder and nastier it got.

That's why I tell the why I don't like to go past Atlantic Avenue if I can help it. Just sayn'

One question though?

"So why are we sitting here?"
"Oh we are just waiting for the kids to go to the bathroom and then we are going into the town."
"Cool. But one question though?"
"What's that?"
"What the fuck is Al Roker doing in Canada?"

Hey the water is freezing so lets catch up on our reading.

I mean I can't watch the game. It's nil/nil.

I would rather read a book about the invasion of Canada. Thank God we lost that one!

Foggy weather for the World Cup.

It was raining and foggy the whole freakin trip. All they did was blow the freakin fog horn. You know how romantic that sounds when it is off in the distance and you are sitting on your porch having some wine and looking at fog.

Well when you walking in front of the horn when it goes off it scares the shit out of you. It sounds like a fat guy farting on St Patricks day.

They put the World Cup on the big screen on the ship as we sailed back to New York. No one was in the pool because it was freezing. So they watched the World Cup and drank.

And blew the freakin fog horn.

Excuse me, have you seen Tennille?

I am a conservative kind of guy. That means I love tradition. And it is traditional that every time I come to a new place I buy a stupid hat to drive my wife crazy. The last time we went to St John in Canada I bought a coon skin cap that I wore all over town. This year I had to get the Captains Hat if I really wanted to be Mr. Howell.

But as usual no one got my joke. The fact that Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island often wore a Captains hat was too obscure for most. My Brother in Law suggested I just go and say "Hey have you seen my little buddy." You know like the skipper used to do. But that was a little too gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So I decided to just ask one simple question. "Excuse me, have you seen Tennille?"

It was amazing just how many people had no idea what the hell I was talking about. The fiftyish people laughed their asses off. And the Eastern Europeans who were working the ship loved it and knew what I was talking about. But anybody under 45 looked at me like I had two heads.

I wore it proudly when I stumbled into the "Loyalist Bookstore" which might have been one reason why we didn't hit it off. Or it could have been when I asked him if he stole all of his books. You see they were marked with stuff like "Property of Pilgrim Hospital" and stuff. And the prices were crazy. He had a complete set of the Horatio Alger books that he was selling for about $3.00 a piece. I snapped a bunch. I want to be a successful entrepreneur like Horatio Alger.

That's why I drink Guinness.

A new book. A funny hat. Guinness.

What more could you ask for?

Time for some wine!

Well it is time to look at some of the photo's from our summer vacation. I am just sitting down for dinner at the dining room and lo and behold they have my favorite wine on the menu!

I love Santa Cristina Sangiovese Toscana and it is my table wine. It retails for about $10 and they had it on the cruise for about $21. A good general rule is if the wine costs about double in the restaurant as it does in the liquor store then they are not ripping you off too badly. I buy it by the case at home and I ended up buying a case on the trip. But it was well worth it.

They let you bring one bottle of wine per person on the boat and funny enough we took Santa Cristina.

The first day they had a wine tasting that we went to in the steakhouse on board. Now we tried to get a reservation the first night we were on board but they told us they were totally booked up. For the whole freakin cruise! That wasn't going to work. Homey don't play that!

The wine tasting was very nice and was run by this nice Indonesian girl named Sally of all things. She was the ships assistant sommelier who was in charge of the wines at the steakhouse. After the wine tasting was over she went around to talk to everyone. You see they were marketing some of their more expensive wines which in reality were not all that expensive. The most expensive was about $140. Which is not the end of world if you went to a big time restaurant in New York or Vegas. So I call her over to talk.

"Sally that was a great class, I learned a lot." "Thank you." "Let me ask you a question. I would like to drink that expensive bottle of wine but they tell me they don't have any reservations available. Do you think you can do something about that? I mean you have influence. Tell them you went to school with Obama." "I will be right back."

She goes over to talk to the manager and comes right back. "No problem. You are set for prime time Saturday night at 9pm." "Super. See. And you didn't even have to pull the Obama card."

You see it is not what you know but who you know.

And you have to know how to ask the right questions.

Who was the Greatest of them all?

Who was the greatest baseball club owner of all time. Your candidates:

George M Steinbrenner the Boss.

Tom Yawkey pushover owner of the woeful Red Saux.

Bill Veeck as in Wreck of several teams.

Charlie Finley who knows everything was not up to date in Kansas City.

Walter O'Malley one of the devils own.

You guys make the calls.

Billy and George. Love and Hate.

I am a Billy Martin Yankee fan. I love the ballbusters and the rouges. Babe Ruth, Jumping Joe Dugan. Billy, Mickey, Whitey and Johnny Blanchard. Fritz Peterson and and Curt Belfrey and Johnny Ellis and Ron Hassey. Mickey Rivers and Sparky Lyle and Thurman and Craig Nettles. David Wells and Nick Swisher and Mariano Duncan. You know the trouble makers.

Now I respect the dignified Yankees. The Lou Gehrig's and Joe DiMaggio's. Tony Kubeck and Bobby Richardson. Steve Hamilton and Mel Sottlemeyer. Guidry. Mattingly. Willie Randolph and Bucky Dent. Jeter and Mariano Rivera.I respect them and their place in Yankee history as "True Yankees!"

But I do not root for them in the same way I do the crazy Yankees. I think that George felt the same way. He always found a way to give them a job or a check. Even guys who were identified with another team like Strawberry and Gooden. Both of them will be happy to tell you that they were always treated a lot better by George than the Mets ever did.

There is no doubt that Billy was George's favorite son. I mean he would still hire him. And he was my idea of a balls to the wall manager who would do anything to win. That's one of the reasons I got a little sick of sanctimonious St Joe Torre. I mean when the Red Sox were beaning the Yankees every game and Joe just sat on his ass I would go crazy. Billy would have been all over that. I know George felt the same but he was too ill to do anything about it.

Right now George and Billy are having a couple of beers in Heaven and arguing to beat the band. And God is laughing and smiling.

You see he is a Yankee Fan.

The Greatest Owner in the History of Sports has passed.

George Steinbrenner has passed today at the age of eighty. He was without a doubt the greatest owner in the history of sports. He took a moribund franchise from the clutches of the evil CBS empire and took them to championship after championship.

Now I know that most of you guys living in the boonies hate his guts for spending the money to make the Yankees great. He came up with the concept of the Yes Network that all of the successful franchises have copied. He did what any of us fans would do if we owned a team. Hire the manager. Fire the manager. Trade the players. Berate them if they don't produce. Praise them when they do great.

Steinbrenner was a tremendously charitable man. He financed the college education of many of the children of cops, fireman and military who died in the line of duty. His charity to the less fortunate is legendary but best of all he did it out of the public spotlight so that most people have no idea.

Best of all Steinbrenner was a True Yankee who believed in Yankee tradition. He would always put old Yankees on the payroll and bring them back for Spring Training and Old Timers games. He would always be good for a touch for a down on his luck Yankee. You always would see ex-Yankees around the team in one guise or another. He didn't trash Yankee history the way franchises like the Mets do. He was proud of the Yankees and what they had accomplished.

George Steinbrenner. A Great American. A Great Yankee. Rest in Peace.

Hey, I am back!

So we are back from our trip to Canada. The cruise was kind of tough because it was very cold and we didn't get any sun at all. Didn't even get to the pool once.

The cruise was five days and four nights so it wasn't too bad. There was only one day on shore at St Johns in New Brunswick Canada.

Now St. Johns is known as the loyalist city. This it the stone monument in Market Square which celebrates those tratiors who fled America during the revolution.

I do have to say that Canadian Beer is very overrated. A thin lager at the very best. But one thing it is good for. If you drink enough you can get a nice steady stream that can cover a whole monument from top to bottom. No problem.

Hey it was supposed to be a Three Hour Cruise.

We are finally going on a vacation. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is only a quick cruise up to Canada and back and will be back on Tuesday.

But there will be no blogging as the cost of Internet and phone service is crazy. Did you know that the cruise line has it's own cell tower on the ship and adds an additional $2.50 a minute regardless of your plan. So that means no communications at all until we get back.

It should be pretty restful.

You guys have fun and talk among yourselves until Lovey and I get back.

No fighting.

Commenter Memories Number 24

Even as a kid, the Crack Emcee would not join a cult.

He preferred the Macho Response.

Hey AJ is back!

Our old pal AJ stopped by to wish us a good 4th of July. Don't be such a stranger dude. We will beating on the Eagles and the Phillies soon and I need you to get all of your excuses ready early this year.

Louis CK has one of the best new shows on TV

Louie CK has one of the best new shoes on TV on the FX channel at 11pm on Tuesday nights.

Here is a hilarious poker night scene with a bunch of my favorite comics including Jim Norton and Nick DePalo.

But this isn't even close to the best part of this episode. He has a flashback to a girl he knew in Junior high ala "The Wonder Years." So he facebooks her and goes to look her up. It is freakin great.

Highly reccomended for those of you who enjoy the Trooper York school of Comedy.

Just sayn'

Dear Eliot, Release the Kagan

To: Eliot Spitzer

From: Elena Kagan

Re: Release the Kagan

Eliot I know you are mad that we didn't hook up when we were in college. I mean I know you wanted to but I am just not into that back door stuff. I mean there were plenty of other girls that were and I know you paid....err found them. But I thought we were friends.

So why would you email a photo of me and Rachel when we first met on the quad that night. Well I was on her quad. You know that those rascally Republicans are floating a lot of rumors about me. I mean Rach and me are just friends. Seriously. We just play on the same softball team. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I wish you would stop. Please. I have enough on mind.

Working for the Weekend....no Working on the Weekend!

We are busy at work today and that is why I am blogging and commenting on a beautiful July 4th weedend day. A couple of our big customers called to say they were coming in and some tourists called as well. So we are busing selling and blogging in between customers.

Taking tomorrow off though. I have some firecrackers to shoot off.

Desperate Housewife arrested as Russian Spy!

Desperate Housewife arrested as Russian Spy!

New York Post July 2, 2010

NEW YORK — The ex-husband of alleged Russian spy Anna Chapman said her arrest "didn’t come as much of a surprise," Britain's Daily Telegraph reported Friday.

Alex Chapman, 30, said he had been interviewed by Britain's MI5 intelligence service after his ex-wife was accused of being a Russian agent by U.S. authorities earlier this week.
He said that his former spouse told him that her father had been "high up in the ranks of the KGB," the newspaper reported.

"Her father controlled everything in her life, and I felt she would have done anything for her dad,” he told the newspaper. “When I saw that she had been arrested on suspicion of spying it didn’t come as much of a surprise to be honest."

"Towards the end of our marriage she became very secretive, going for meetings on her own with 'Russian friends’ and I guess it might have been because she was in contact with the Russian government," he added. She then began taking meetings in Hollywood and joined the cast of Desperate Housewives under an assumed name.

The couple married in Moscow in 2002, five months after they met in a London nightclub, the newspaper reported. They divorced in 2006.

Alex Chapman described his ex-wife’s father, Vasily Kushchenko, as "scary". "Although not as scary as that Bree bitch. Man she would cut you with a cake knife." He said Kushchenko was serving as a diplomat in Zimbabwe when they met during their honeymoon in 2002.

Manbearpig will face "The Wrath of Chaka Khan"

But somehow I don't feel for him.

Commenter Memmories Number 23

You have to feel for Jeremy. I mean he has to clean the house and empty the ash trays of all the Pall-mall butts and get rid of all the PBR empties while his Mom gets ready for one of his "uncles" to visit for a sleepover.

I mean he has to give her a mani-pedi and of course the bikini wax. Then he has to help her into her Spanx and into her party dress.

Only when all of that is done can he go down to lock himself in the attic with his computer while he puts his headphones on to listen to Sabbeth while he posts comments on the Internet.

It's a hard knock life.

Commenter Memories Number 22

Did you ever wonder why our good friend Palladian doesn't grace us more often with his wit and biting commentary. I mean I know he says he is very busy with his art work and teaching and setting the record straight on the evil blogger lady's site. At least that's what he says.

But I think he is just watching a lot of reality TV with his friend downtownlad.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Dear Eliot, Please Release the Kagan

To: Eliot Spitzer

From: Elena Kagan

Re: Release the Kagan

Eliot I was so pleased to hear about your new gig at CNN. I think this will really be the way for you to get back in the arena and start to reignite your political career. As a pundit for the very least.

But I have to ask you to do me a favor. Please stop emailing these photos from our time in college. Shots like this one in particular. The Supreme Court is a stuffy place and I don't think old ladies like Scalia or Roberts will appreciate it. Clarence would for sure. But I hear that Ginsberg is a fussy old twat and I don't want to rock the boat.

If you can keep this under you hat I will give you some juicy dirt about the Court. Did you know that one of the Justices wears frilly panties and a nipple cut out bra under the judicial robes. And that's just Kennedy. Wait to what else I can find out and feed to you for your new show.

Just keep the college stuff on the Q-T. Okay?

Garage Mahal's Road Kill Korner

Our good friend El Pollo Real sent us this menu of the restaurant that Garage tried to get him to go to at the last commenter's meet up in Madison. Lucky for him they went over to the professors house and Meade whipped up some lunch.

Well maybe not so lucky for them. Hee.

Thanks El Pollo!