The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble associate, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and his case has baffled the Yard.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In it was there that I had heard that Lord Douchebag was in engaged in a legal practice as a solicitor or perhaps a barrister before her Majesty’s Court and I hastened to investigate.

I contacted the clerk of the court to determine if he had any dealings with Lord Douchebag. Did he know if he was in fact a solicitor or a barrister or engaged in the pursuit of any sort of a legal career? It is quite frustrating that so many claim a close kinship with Lord Douchebag yet no one has any facts about him. The clerk was unable to help as he said that although most every lawyer he comes in contact has all the attributes and habits of a Douchebag, he could not identify anyone as the actual Lord Douchebag. It seems that Douchebags are endemic in the legal realm.

Another odd fact did present itself. It seems that your brother, the estimable Mycroft Holmes had in fact engaged in some vituperous correspondence with Lord Douchebag over the last few months. You brother assures me that these missives were all sent in jest and that Lord Douchebag simply misunderstood them and attacked him for no good reason. He said that Lord Douchebag had termed him a “Friend of Oscar” which seemed to upset him. He informed me that Oscar is in fact the name of the young Argentine boy who has taken in to be his ward. I told him that I did not see that there was anything wrong with that.

I of course believe your brother about this dispute as he is a valued member of the government as well as a personal friend. However I could not continue the interview as I found the odors of perfume upon which he experiments to be somewhat toxic and had to leave before I could finish my questioning. Perhaps you might inquire of him what truly is the case and report back to me.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn you hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you landlady Mrs. Hudson will return soon from her vacation at Bath. She seems to have been gone for quite some time and I would hope she would return if only to deal with that foul odor that has arisen in the crawl space beneath your lodgings.

Thank you for your forbearance and your kind consideration of my requests.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 20, 1896