The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is I, Inspector Lestrade who is forced to call upon your expertise again. I would once again inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the ongoing disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems he has still not contacted any of his former acquaintances and they have continued to press for some news of his activities.

As I might have previously informed you I have concentrated most of my inquires to the salon maintained by Lady Chatterley in which Lord Douchebag was a frequent and valued participant if only by post as no one has met him in the flesh as it were. It seems that many of the other members of this strange amalgam of toady’s and sycophants are also most upset by the absence of the Douchebag’s and they continually protest and demand that he be found even though they have absolutely no information of any kind about him.

One curious fact has emerged however. That is that there are just as many who despise and abhor the Douchebag as those who admire and would emulate him. Several have opined that he has perished or gone wherever it is that Douchebags go when they are not to be found. But no evidence has arisen one way or another as to the existence of the elusive Lord Douchebag. Period. So to speak.

In fact other controversies and disputes have roiled this talk shop that is so laughingly called a salon and there have been many recriminations and accusations bandied about by all and sundry. It appears that the Lady herself has stooped to some base calumery and invidious nastiness that has soured many on participation in her group of chattering magpies. So it is possible that many leads will dry up as it were. It seems that the salon is really in need of the social lubrication that was provided by Lord Douchebag. But that is not to be. So far.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you been contacted to consult in this case? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to talk with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you are recovering from the unfortunate incident with the Speckled Band. I know Miss Stoner was quite an attractive young woman and I hope she did not do permanent damage to your snake. As it were. She seemed a charming young woman as was her late sister and I too would have presumed she would have indeed charmed said snake under different circumstances. I am sure that Dr. Watson’s vast experience in Afghanistan will enable him to recommend the proper nostrums and crèmes that would help in this most unfortunate episode. I hope you will fully recover and that I will hear from you soon.

You obedient servant.

Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 24, 1896