The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes.

Once again it is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must endeavor to inquire if you have considered the facts I have developed in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and absence continues to bedevil the feeble minded set of miscreants that he has long been associated with.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. With that in mind I attempted to determine if anyone could tell me anything at all about Lord Douchebag, his likes and dislikes or anything at all that might aide in contacting him to determine if he is in good health.. Unfortunately my continuing inquires have come to naught once again.

As I have previously written to you, Lady Chatterley’s circle has had no contact with Lord Douchebag and the shallowness of their regard is such that they have never met face to face or communicated other than by post.

I attempted to see what exactly goes on in the famous salon of Lady Chatterley so had a surveillance of the premises made by several young constables from the yard. It seems that a woman would often be seen in silhouette in the window composing replies to the voluminous correspondence from her many toadies and lickspittles. Of course most assumed that this figure was Lady Chatterley herself. But I happened to know that she was occupied by her position with the Royal Society and was not in residence at the time. In fact the only person who was supposedly at home was her erstwhile lover. Much like your recent case in the matter of Miss Violet Wilson there seemed to be some chicanery afoot. I can not conceive of the notion that the said lover was impersonating the Lady Chatterley and issuing missives in her name but there seems to be no other explanation. I do know however that he favors green breeches and not the copper ones worn by Mr. Rucastle. Or was Copper Beeches the name of his estate. I misremember the facts of the case. But as you have often told me, when all other alternatives are impossible, the only one remaining must be the correct one no matter how unlikely it might seem on it’s face.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you will turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and that you have managed to contain the infestation of giant rats from Sumatra that were contained in the recent shipment of opium and cocaine that I had forwarded to you from our Lost and Found. I would have thought that said rodents would have been easier to contain because of the state of inebriation they were in due to there consumption of said nostrums but alas it was not to be. Please let me know how you handled this situation as it would be very helpful in dealing with some of the strange characters I have encountered in this most dubious disappearance of Lord Douchebag.

Your obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

February 27, 1896