Forcas: Will you be interviewing any new announcers my dread Lord.
Lucifer: Sure who do we got? I am a little tired of torturing that pussy Salinger. Man is he boring. At least all those kids are doing a good job flaying off his skin one inch at a time. I guess they really hated having to do those book reports on Holden fucking Caulfield. OK who is up next?
Forcas: Someone named Merlin.... my Dread Lord.
Lucifer: Merlin. What the fuck? I thought he was still stuck in a tree?
Forcas: No my Lord. A Mr. Merlin Olsen. He seems to have been a famous footballer and priest.
Lucifer: Well. Another kid toucher? Damn this is getting monotonous. When is that tickle me Elmo Congressman gonna get here? He should be a barrel of laughs. Didn’t he off himself yet. Lot’s of people do that after they spend an hour talking to Glenn Beck you know.
Forcas: He is not scheduled for a while yet my Lord. Bring in Mr. Olsen.
Merlin Olsen: (Falls through the trapdoor in front of St Peter’s gate to fall down at the feet of Lucifer) What the hell…. Where am I?
Lucifer: Yeah. Who’s on first fuckface. You’re there.
Merlin Olsen: Where?
Lucifer: Hell. Waddaya think. NBC. I know that seemed like hell when you were working with Dick Enberg but this is the real deal.
Merlin Olsen: How did I end up in hell? What did I ever do? I was a good man. Went to Church. Did a lot of charity work? I wouldn’t even through that game that Carroll Rosenblum tried to get me to do that time. How the heck did this happen?
Lucifer: You know I am kind of curious myself. Forcas check out the book.
Forcas: Yes Sire. Let’s see….normal childhood….college football player…made a movie with the Duke that is usually a straight pass right into heaven….played a priest on Little House on the Prairie and didn’t even bang that slut Half-pint or feel up the blind girl….AH HERE IT IS!.... Look my Lord right here in the 1970 NFL recap.
Lucifer: What let me see. Oh shit. You played on the LA Rams team that beat the New York Giants at home 31-3 to keep them out of the playoffs. No wonder the big guy sent you down here to burn in Hell. He loves the Giants. And the Yankees. You’re seriously fucked boy. Take him away. (Two burly demons grab him away kicking and screaming towards the pits of Hell)
Forcas: Very nice milord. Where should we put him?
Lucifer: I know. Throw him in the Red Sox wing with the disembodied head of Ted Williams. That ought to freak his ass out. Man it freaks me out.
Lucifer: Sure who do we got? I am a little tired of torturing that pussy Salinger. Man is he boring. At least all those kids are doing a good job flaying off his skin one inch at a time. I guess they really hated having to do those book reports on Holden fucking Caulfield. OK who is up next?
Forcas: Someone named Merlin.... my Dread Lord.
Lucifer: Merlin. What the fuck? I thought he was still stuck in a tree?
Forcas: No my Lord. A Mr. Merlin Olsen. He seems to have been a famous footballer and priest.
Lucifer: Well. Another kid toucher? Damn this is getting monotonous. When is that tickle me Elmo Congressman gonna get here? He should be a barrel of laughs. Didn’t he off himself yet. Lot’s of people do that after they spend an hour talking to Glenn Beck you know.
Forcas: He is not scheduled for a while yet my Lord. Bring in Mr. Olsen.
Merlin Olsen: (Falls through the trapdoor in front of St Peter’s gate to fall down at the feet of Lucifer) What the hell…. Where am I?
Lucifer: Yeah. Who’s on first fuckface. You’re there.
Merlin Olsen: Where?
Lucifer: Hell. Waddaya think. NBC. I know that seemed like hell when you were working with Dick Enberg but this is the real deal.
Merlin Olsen: How did I end up in hell? What did I ever do? I was a good man. Went to Church. Did a lot of charity work? I wouldn’t even through that game that Carroll Rosenblum tried to get me to do that time. How the heck did this happen?
Lucifer: You know I am kind of curious myself. Forcas check out the book.
Forcas: Yes Sire. Let’s see….normal childhood….college football player…made a movie with the Duke that is usually a straight pass right into heaven….played a priest on Little House on the Prairie and didn’t even bang that slut Half-pint or feel up the blind girl….AH HERE IT IS!.... Look my Lord right here in the 1970 NFL recap.
Lucifer: What let me see. Oh shit. You played on the LA Rams team that beat the New York Giants at home 31-3 to keep them out of the playoffs. No wonder the big guy sent you down here to burn in Hell. He loves the Giants. And the Yankees. You’re seriously fucked boy. Take him away. (Two burly demons grab him away kicking and screaming towards the pits of Hell)
Forcas: Very nice milord. Where should we put him?
Lucifer: I know. Throw him in the Red Sox wing with the disembodied head of Ted Williams. That ought to freak his ass out. Man it freaks me out.
7 comments:
Dick Enberg was wonderfully boring.
Trooper that is some funny shit. Give up the accounting chief and start writing some copy for the Comedy Channel.
Well, if God is a Yankees fan, then the devil better start warming me up a seat.
So to speak.
Not that there's anything wrong, per se, about being a Yankees fan.
I just have to weigh whether an eternity of damnation and the fires of Hell are worth failing to root for a damn Yankee.
I guess I'm stuck with the fires of Hell.
I might even try out for that announcer gig.
"Hey y'all, Satan sez that next one of y'all he catches fartin' in the fires a' Hell is due some big punishment. A diet of beans and a cork."
Nah, maybe I ain't cut out for that.
Being a Mets fan, I've done my time in Purgatory.
I (voluntarily) read Catcher in the Rye over Christmas break my freshman year of college. Honest to goodness, I realized that my roommate was in all likelihood the inspiration for Holden Caulfield. He was nuttier than squirrel shit.
Well Sixty Grit uninformed as usual. The official New York Yankee cap is navy blue not black. A very deep navy blue but navy blue all the same.
About as blue as all the losers who live in losertown and can't root for the one, the only WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES!!!!!!!!
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