The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

Once again it is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must beseech you once again to determine if you have considered the facts I have developed in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing. Although the interest in his disappearance has dissipated and his so called friends have given up the ghosts as it were. I still must continue my official inquiry until either an answer or a corpse is found.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. But it seems currently that all thought of the absent Douchebag have fled the salon as no one seems to care about his disappearance. In fact it seems that Lady Chatterley and her erstwhile lover have taken to travel to assuage their somewhat uncomfortable circumstances.

The entire world of this so called “salon” has begun to trouble me greatly as in the process of my investigation I have been unable to determine if Lady Chatterley had in fact even performed the nuptial duty necessary for a veneer of legality in her union with her gardener. As best as I can determine they merely climbed upon a midden heap and professed their devotion in some rite of the Mussleman or far Siam. Being firmly Church of England myself, I must admit I am fairly dubious as to the legality and sanctity of said union. But it is of course a side issue to the matter at hand.

As I have previously written to you, Lady Chatterley’s circle has had no contact with Lord Douchebag and the shallowness of their regard is such that they have never met face to face or communicated other than by post. So I thought that the recent recurring trips made by the said couple might be in search of the missing Douchebag.

However that does not seem to be the case. It seems that Lady Chatterley’s man has conceived a great devotion to the Tory cause and has traveled far and wide to various events and meetings to espouse his belief’s and further the cause of the Tory party in all it’s manifestations. Her Ladyship has take to accompanying him as well although her time seems to be occupied by corresponding with various of her toadies and take daguerreotypes of strange rock formations and flora shaped like a drunken sots naughty bits. Most unsettling I must venture to say.

It seems that on their latest sojourn to Datmoor to a famous race course in which it seems several entrants were traveling and acting incognito. So I of course wondered if they were in fact going to meet Lord Douchebag who would be disguised and appearing under some other alias. That would seem quite likely based on his prior performances and activities. So I asked my colleague Inspector Gregson to investigate as he often takes his holiday in Datmoor as that is where his dear mum resides. He did in fact shadow the couple as they wandered aimlessly but they did not meet with any one who could legitimately be termed Lord Douchebag. In fact in comparison with most of the others they seemed much more like a Douchebag than the people they met. So once again they have provided a dead end as it were.

I again beg to inquire if you will turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and that you have managed to handle the unusual situation that you have conveyed to me about you land lady Mrs. Hudson and her poor niece Miss Rosie O’Donnell who has the unfortunate case of Tourettes syndrome that forces her to scream obscenities and bark like a hound when someone visits you in your rooms. It was most unsettling in my last visit to you and I hope you can determine why she does not bark when a woman walks up your stairs as she stares in slack jawed amazement without the unsightly howling.

So please let me know how you handled this situation as it would be very helpful in dealing with some of the strange characters I have encountered in this most dubious disappearance of Lord Douchebag. There are so many dogs involved I would fervently desire to learn how to not make them bark.

Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 27, 1896