The Dubious Case of the Disapperaing Douchebag

My dear Holmes.

It is I, Inspector Lestrade who thought to call upon you once again to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he is still missing and none of his “so-called” friends have heard from him in quite some time.

I though I had a promising lead when I tried to use your methods of deductive reasoning. I decided to check with the local manufacturers and the water board to determine who has ordered the largest quantities of vinegar and water lo these past few months. After all if there are copious amounts of vinegar and water can we not assume that a Douchebag would not be involved?

As it turns out is seems that the infamous Lady Chatterley had purchased thirty barrels of vinegar in the last quarter and that seemed most unusual. I went over to her home to ask her about this when she had her salon. You know her daily meeting of friends and acquaintances who vied with each other to win her regard. I was unable to speak with her as she was occupied with a fey young gentleman who was desirous of describing his recent bowel movements in intricate detail.

None the less I did manage to discuss some of this with a member of her household, a rather large woman who had a quite ungainly shape and the beginnings of whiskers. She seemed be called Tuppence which seemed quite a lark for all that referred to her is said manner. In any event she assured me that there was a reasonable explanation in that Lady Chatterley bathed in the vinegar which allowed her to maintain her porcelain complexion and astringent personality.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you been contacted to consult in this case? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that your brother Mycroft has recovered from that unfortunate incident with the young street lascar and the jar of whale oil. I believe that we have managed to quiet that down and no more will be heard of that at the Royal Art Students league.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 17, 1896