The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and his case has become even more mysterious than it had been at first glance.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. With that in mind I thought to enquire as to the exact relationship that pertained between Lord Douchebag and the Lady’s recently acquired spouse.

Unfortunately my enquires have come to naught. It seems that Lady Chatterley’s erstwhile lover claims no jealousy and in fact numbers Lord Douchebag among his friends and fellow travelers and wishes for him only the best. But what is puzzling is the shallowness of their regard.

It seems that although they were so often in correspondence, neither had ever met Lord Douchebag in person and in fact did not even know where he lived or if in fact he lived at all. They claim that they have no way to contact his Lordship or any other clue as to his whereabouts. For all they know he could simply be a completely fictional character.

This opened another avenue of investigation that allowed Scotland Yard to search far and wide to see if the supposed Lord Douchebag was in fact a real person. While we did not find any evidence of his existence we did find a college professor with an unhealthy interest in young pre-nubile girls and rabbits. And a strange fellow made entirely of tin who claimed to be heartless. After meeting several individuals who were completely heartless at the said salon I could only venture to demur.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn you hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that Doctor Watson has recovered from his recent attack of piles. My old grandma often prescribed oil of cloves and a clean life to avoid such a calamity. But to each his own as it were.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 18, 1896