The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have any new information in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and his case remains a mystery but one that seems of increasing indifference to his so called friends.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What was puzzling to me was the evident shallowness of their regard as they have conveniently forgotten about the mysterious disappearance of Lord Douchebag and have not mentioned this fact at the salon for some weeks now.

One of her correspondents has taken a decidedly gloomy view. He seems to use a pseudonym based on a breakfast food and not even a hearty proper English one like Bangers or Mash. In any event, this troubled scribe has intimated in several missives to me that Lord Douchebag has left this mortal vale and is no longer with us. Now as Lord Douchebags scribbling can attest he is not “all there” but there is no evidence to suggest that he is slipped his mortal coil.

In addition it appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. No replies have been made to the advertisement in the agony column of Wood Wind Weekly which has returned to its more normal pursuits of the examination in detail of debauched opera singers and disintegrating musical instruments. It seems that they have hit a dead end as well.

I do wonder if this case might be somewhat in the same mode of that of the unfortunate problems you encountered with your old college chum Reginald Musgrave. You would recall that a woman was at the heart of the dissappearance of his man-servant Brunton. His relationship with Lady Chatterly is quite strange but since Lord Douchebag does not meet the requirements of either being a servant or a man it is unlikely that the same outcome will suffice.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn you hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that Doctor Watson has recovered from the recent unpleasantness with the medical board. I am sure that penis transplants will someday be possible but it is unlikely that they will substitute a swine’s member for a human one. Unless of course the recipient is Irish. Than anything is possible.

You obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

March 3, 1896