Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, September 25, 1956(Ted Williams, Johnny Pesky and Wally Cox walk in after a Yankee, Red Sox game)

Toots: Hey Ted howz ya doin kid. To bad the Yanks kicked your ass today. Again. Har de har har.
Ted Williams: Fuck you, you stupid jewboy get us a fuckin’ table before I pound you one.

Toots: How many times do I have to tell you I don’t like that kinda talk in here you ignorant meathead?

Ted Williams: What do I care you sheeny bastard. Just get me a table before I have my boy Pesky here give you a knuckle sandwich.

Johnny Pesky: Can I Ted, can I, I can do it Ted, I swear I can, let me at him, I’ll pulverize him.
Toots Shore: Shut up you midget fuck before I wipe you up like your mother should of done with the jizz from your old man after he was the last man on line. Jeez why are all you Red Sox guys such assholes. Com’on there’s some people in the back you might want to say hello to!(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties)

Toots: Joe look who’s here. It’s Ted and his shoe shine boy. And this other fancy fella. I don’t know him.

Joe DiMaggio:

Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Ted. Nice to see you again. (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and shakes with Ted, she nods at Pesky, and looks Wally Cox up and down) I think I know you. Isn’t your name Wally? Aren’t you Marlon’s boyfriend?

Wally Cox: Hi Norma Jean. I remember you. But I am with Ted now.
Ted Williams: He’s not with me we are just buddies. Boy you sure are pretty missy. What are you doing with this lousy Dago! You can do a lot better doll!

Johnny Pesky (hopping around like a Chihuahua with a chili pepper up its ass)Yes you could Miss Monroe, yes you could….Ted is the greatest…the best ballplayer in the world. There ain’t nobody as good as Teddy Ballgame.

Joe DiMaggio: (takes off one of his world series rings and starts to shine it with a napkin, he looks up and smiles)

Toots: Hey enough of this bullshit. lets siddown and have a couple of pops.

Marilyn: That sounds like fun. (Marilyn sits down opposite Ted, and as she does her legs are slightly open. She is not wearing any underwear. Curiously Ted does not notice and Marilyn pouts) So Wally, how did you and Ted meet.
Wally Cox: Oh we met at the baths. I happened to drop my soap and Ted said he wanted to get something straight between us.
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)

Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe?

Joe DiMaggio: (Joe just smiles and looks down at Marilyn’s twat which has been furiously queefing like a mallard in heat, it always did when she got confused, which was most of the time)

Toots Shor: Yeah come to think of it how come I never see you with any of the broads who hang around the ballplayers. Whaz-a-matter the Baseball Annies are too good for you, you putz.

Ted Williams: Shut up you sheeny bastard. Wally and I just have some similar interests. We are both fond of the musical’s and stuff like that. And ballroom dancing. He gets me some great tickets. Into those hard to get shows.
Toots Shor; Where through the back door? Blleeaaahhhh!!!!! (he laughs so much he pees himself a little)
Johnny Pesky: You better shut up you no good fuck. Teddy loves the ladies. Just last night he went out on the town with his pal Rock Hudson and they banged a bunch of chicks. He’s a big time movie star I mean he even banged Doris Day. She’s a real star! No offense Miss Monroe.

Marilyn: Hhnnnpphhh!!!! (she hisses and her queefs getting even louder, so loud that Pesky looks around for where the sound is coming from, you see he is afraid of ducks)

Johnny Pesky: (whispers under his breath) She ain’t got any underwear on Ted, nothing I swear, look it looks like General Grant eating a piece of liver.

Ted: I don’t like that kind of talk Toots. Wally is a great guy and all man. Show them Wally. Dance with Marilyn. The way you showed me.
Johnny Peskey: (under his breath) Yeah Wally you can rub up against her cooze.
(They start to dance and Marilyn grinds the bespectacled actor and for the first time in her life her dance partner does not get wood. She is shocked and pushes him away)
Johnny Peskey: What’s da matter doll is Wally too much man for you!
Marilyn: No wonder they call you Pesky. Joe they are starting to bore me.

Joe DiMaggio: (looks over to another table where Frankie Carbo is sitting with a few of the boys) Frankie?

Toots: Oh shit Joe, no trouble please. (Four of Carbos guys grab the two Red Sox players by the arms and give them the bums rush out the door with Wally trotting behind them)

Ted Williams: I get you for this you fucking wop bastard…you too you dirty hebe ……hey take it easy. I just got this suit from my mother at the Salivation Army.

Marilyn: Don’t hurt his head; it might be only thing he is going to have left someday. Hee.