Laura Bush's Diary

So last night the twins and I were sipping margherita’s and passing around a spliff when W burst into the room. Jenna had to swallow it because she didn’t want her Daddy to know that she was one toke over the line again. W wouldn’t be mad but he would be disappointed now that he is clean and sober. So she always is about to get caught and has to ditch it quickly.

Which was pretty damn funny because we were watching America’s Got Talent on the DVR with all those side show geek acts. I mean they had a bunch of fire swallowers and even this sick puppy that swallowed razor blades. I haven’t seen anything that disgusting since Wilbur Mills gave Helen Thomas tongue at Nixon’s Christmas party. Now that would make a maggot puke.

Anyhoo, W was all excited. “Girls you won’t believe it. The Enquirer has a story that Al Gore had Global Warming in his pants and tried to get somethin somethin from a massage lady. What do you think about that? That sanctimonious prick! Remember how he would trash Slick Willie in those emails to us. No wonder Tipper dumped his manbearpig ass! Hee.”

Jenna was so happy to see her Dad laugh. She is such a sweet girl. She is always trying to cheer W up when he gets melancholy now that he is out of the limelight. She is always doing stuff like spill olive oil on the table and going “Hey who’s gonna clean up that oil spill I wonder?” W always gets a kick out of that one.

So Jenna wanted to make him laugh. “Well Daddy this is like an extra father’s day present for you. Maybe you should issue a statement or something. You know something funny that will make light of the situation.” I had to put the kibosh on that one. “That’s not a good idea girls. W you know we can’t do anything referencing massages. That’s like the pot calling the kettle black. As black as your mama’s heart that wheezing old bugged eyed battle-ax.” W thought a moment and said “When you’re right, you’re right Laura. I will just keep my mouth shut. Hee.”

You see there is a long history of massage issues with the Bush family that we really don’t want to dwell on if we can help it. I am pretty sure that Jeb met his wife in a Mexican massage parlor. But he is such a dickweed that he ended up with the cleaning lady instead of one of the massage girls. Be that as it may that is something that we want to keep on the q-t if you know what I mean.

Poppy Bush also had a couple of issues. There was this one girl that was on his staff and served him a variety of positions that started out as a massage therapist. Poppy is always good to his staff and he married her off to George Will when he got tired of her. I guess she was tired of having to sex someone up all the time and was happy to just have to learn how to tie a bowtie. That was enough get George to blow his wad.

But that wasn’t the real fly in the k-y ointment. No. As usual it was Bug-eyed Barb. You know that she was a dyed in the wool sex maniac. I mean her exploits with the midget wrestlers have been an open secret in Washington for years now. But ever since she had that heart thingy she had to tone it down. Poppy is rationing it out with her. She can only get one massage a week. So she doubled down and hired this young kid from Kennebunkport who is infamous in town. I mean the kid is not only a massage therapist and lifeguard but a chef as well. And his specialty?

You guessed it. The Fish Taco.

All in all we better let this scandal go by without any comments from us. Those dudes at the Enquirer are just too good as reporters.