Marilyn's Diary

Little Eddie was such a creep. He would always weasel around trying to get a glimpse of me going to the bathroom. He would be hanging out in the hallway behind a curtain and would try to spy through one of the cracks in the broken down walls of the mansion.

The one thing we used to do together was ride our bikes. Until the day I saw what he was doing. He would always volunteer to put the bikes away. And then he did he would lick the seat.

What a creep.

Hello little girl would you like a piece of candy?

"Hello little girl would you like a piece of candy?"
"No thank you Pops. Oh and one more thing?"
"Sure darling. What?"
"Stop staring at my tits."

Belated Happy Father's Day

I didn't do our annual Father's Day Post because we were out celebrating a new "Father."

Our cousin Anthony has become a priest and he celebrated his first mass. About 400 people went to the church in Long Beach where he used to go as a kid and where he celebrated his first mass. Appropiately on "Father's Day." He became Father Anthony.

He had a long and varied career before he got his vocation. He was a NYC cop, a DEA agent, an agent for the State Department and an FBI agent. So he was all over the map. As were the guests. There were family members of course and people from the State Department and FBI agents and mobsters he had arrested or was related too.
The whole magilla.

We went to visit the wife's father first who wasn't feeling too well and couldn't come to the party. My Dad has passed of course but I was thinking of him. So while I was in Mass a said a prayer for them and all you fathers out there.

Happy belated Fathers Day.

Laura Bush's Diary

So all the girls were sitting around drinking Lone Star beer and cracking walnuts between our thighs while we were waiting for the NBA finals to start. We are all big time Dallas Maverick fans. I mean how could you not be with Dirk having that big weinershniztel in his short shorts! Talk about your Weinergate. I wish he would tweet me a shot of little Hans or something. Jenna especially loves him but she was always a size queen.

The whole Bush clan was there. There was the twins of course and Doro who is W’s sister and the bug eyed twat Barb who makes my life a living hell. W and Poppy were in the den talking like they always do when they get together. They are always whispering in the corner as if they were planning the invasion of Iraq or something. I mean get over it. Been there, done that. Come out and watch the game. At least I know they aren’t texting photos of their wieners to coeds. Boy that was a big fuckup right? I mean Hillary called from her trip overseas and said her girlfriend Humus got all upset with her schmeckala of a husband for getting hisself all turned around. Now the poor girl has to pretend she is pregnant. Ok it is easy for her to make herself puke, alls she has to do is look at a picture of his naked weiner. Or a naked Weiner. It’s just that he is making all of America puke when they put it on TMZ.

Anyhoo we are just sitting around drinking and cracking and farting and shooting the breeze when old Barb opens up her leathery lizard trap. “Doro did you see what that slutty Palin girl said?” Now old bug eyed Barb is a like all the Rhino’s in that she just hates Sarah Palin. I mean I told you before why she was jealous of her. So anytime there is a dig about Caribou Barbie she is sure to bring it up. I love to say how much I love her just to piss her off. She is worse than Andrew Sullivan. In fact she is starting to look like Andrew Sullivan just without the power glutes. It’s fucking weird it tell ya.

“Who Sarah” I said. “No her slutty daughter. You know the one the retard knocked up. She said she drank a mess of wine coolers and the next thing you know she woke up with blood on her thighs and a Eskimo pie in the oven. Can you believe that stupid bitch?”

“Now Granny don’t get all hot and bothered” Jenna said. Jenna can talk to her Granny like that because she is her favorite. You see Jenna is a crazy bitch just like she was back in the day so she loves to hear about all the crazy shit she does. “You know she was just a kid. And it was her first time. I mean we all know how crappy your fist time can be. I know. Let’s all talk about our first times! That would be a hell of a lot of fun. Waddaya you say you all!”

“Oh I don’t want to do that” said prissy little Barbara. I swear I don’t know where she came from. She’s not a real Bush at all. I think when they were in my uterus all the fun went into Jenna and only the bile or something went into her. The only time she ever let loose is when her sister drags her out and gets her tanked up. “That’s private we shouldn’t talk about that. I would be very uncomfortable.”

“Oh shut you pie hole you prissy twat” yelled Old Barb as she spewed spittle all over the table top. “I only get to talk about sex these days. Poppy would much rather jump out of a plane than jump me. So tell me what you got girls. This is gonna be fun. Doro you go first.”

“Well you remember what it was Mama. It was when Poppy was ambassador to China. I had that school assignment to interview a famous person and they arranged that I could have a private lunch with Deng Xiaoping.” “Who was that Aunt Doro” asked Jenna. “He was the horny little midget that was the Bossman of the chinks when your grandfather was Ambassador there. He claimed he wasn’t a midget but I think he was selling himself short” snorted my nasty mother in law.

“Thanks Mama. Yes that’s who he was. The premier of China. I come to the palace for lunch and I thought there was going to be an interpreter or a translator or a protocol officer there or something. But there wasn’t. There was just my little Deng. We had a feast of dim sum and lot’s of rice wine. We were laughing and he was telling jokes about Koreans and drinking lots and lots of wine. You know the Korean’s are the Pollack’s of Asia so all those dumb jokes worked. Anyway after one particular dish Deng laughed and said ‘Oh little Doro you just ate dog. You put Toto in your mouth.’ Well I had the impulse to gag but it actually tasted good. And then the next thing I know I was gagging. Because Deng had taken his little hot dog out and stuffed it in my mouth. I didn’t know what was happening. I felt warm and fuzzy and we stripped all our clothes off. Deng was a champion muff diver. He got right in there with his tongue like Jesse James at a tattoo convention. He was tweaking my nipples and washing down the man in the boat and I was in heaven. Until he tried to put it in.”

“Why was that Auntie” piped up pipsqueak Barb. “Did it hurt? Was it too big?”
“Too big? I wish. No if anything it was too mushy. He had a mushy shoo pork in his pants. I was like trying to put a worm in a coin slot. It just didn’t work. I mean eventually he got it in and took my cherry but it wasn’t all that. You see the foreplay was great but the main event just wasn’t such a big deal. But he was still my first and now whenever I smell MSG I get a little wet. You walk by with a carton of Chop Suey and I start to get a party in my pants. I can’t help it.”

“That’s wild Aunt Dot.” Jenna laughed. “And I love how we can all talk about it together. I can’t wait to hear everybody else’s stories.”

You know. Me too. I wonder who was the first one to bang bug eyed Barb. Benjamin Franklin? This is gonna be a hoot.

Hen Party Alert

There is a hen party tonight.

Actually the wife is getting together with her girlfriends. The last time they dragged me to the restuarant with them until I hid at the bar when they started talking about menopause and sex. Trust me you don't want to be around for that.

Anyhoo they are coming to the house instead. I stocked up on wine and I am going around the corner to the Thai joint and having them made some special dishes that I will serve in my special dishes.

Then I can go upstairs and relax.

This might be a good night for a lot of posts.

Or I might fall asleep.

The Sackett Weiner

Cap Roundtree poured himself a cup of coffee the pot boiling on the pot bellied stove.

Orrin leaned back in his chair at the desk as the cold wind whipped tumbleweeds through the street. A paint pony knickered at the livery at the sound of an owl of the night.

Suddenly we heard the sound of someone running down the boardwalk. The telegrapher’s clerk burst through the door.“Here Sheriff it just came over the wire.” He handed it over to Orrin.

“This is bad Ty.” He slid over the paper. It was a photo of a penis.“The Weiner gang is back. And they are on their way into town.”

"We better get Tell. I think he had some dealings with the Weiners in that mining camp."

Harry Potter and the Congressman's Penis

Hermione: Has anyone seen a penis? A boy named Anthony has lost one. He sent me a photo on my phone to see if I could find it. [sees Ron attempting magic] Oh, you're doing magic? Let's see then.
Ron: Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow.[Nothing happens]Hermione: Are you sure that's a real spell? Well, not very good is it? Of course I've only tried a few simple ones myself, but they've all worked for me. For example, [sits in front of Harry] Oculus Reparo.[She touches his wand and Harry's penis is immediately rock hard.]
Hermione: That's better, isn't it? [realizes who he is] Holy cricket, you're Harry Potter! I'm Hermione Granger. [looks at Ron] And... you are?
Ron: [muffled] I'm Ron Weasley.
Hermione: Pleasure. You two better change into robes, I expect we'll be arriving soon. [leaves, but turns around to face Ron] You've got dirt on your nose, by the way... Did you know? Just there...

Whose that girl?

She's has the Grand Tueton so to speak.

Whose that girl?

What if?

Lucy and Ricky had their own show in 2011?

Who would be Fred and Ethel Mertz?

Combined Commenter Memories Number 90 Crack Emcee and Palladian

They collaborated on a new musical based on the Crack Emcee's life starring Palladian in:

"Spiderman: Turn off the Darkies."

A long, long time ago

I can still remember

How those babies used to make me smile.

And I knew if I had my chance

That I could make those puppies dance

And, maybe, I’d be happy for a while.

Bye Bye Weiner.

And some of them are former congressmen. Just sayn'

Planking at Lee Lee's

We are hip and with it dudes.

Right on Brother!

Groovy!

Hari Krishna!

Whose that dog?

And whose the hot chick with him?

Yes I will teach you about head my dear.

"Yes I will teach you about head my dear."
"Thank you James."
"Let's go back to my trailer and play Doctor?"
"Can I be the Head Nurse."
"Yes indeed my dear, yes indeed. You see I am not Doctor No. I am Doctor Yes."
"Ohhhhhh jjjjjaaaaammmmeeeessssss!"

Commenter Memories Number 89 - Amanda is pensive

As I toss and churn in my lonely bed
I dream of dreams that are truly dead
Of a silky pony that held my heart
A fighting Weiner that twitched my twat.
But those are hopes that have long fled
As I sweat and lament in fear and dread
While the shape of my future life begins
I am sorry I’m thinking of cat’s again.

(Marcotte’s Lament 2011)

Marilyn's Diary

My Aunt Lily was a very sexy lady. She was all over Uncle Herman. But he wasn't enough for him. Plus she liked to play rough. She wanted him to slap her around and stuff fruits and vegetables into all of her orifices and then to eat them out with his long green tongue and sticking his massive but stubby sewn on fingers into her tender spots.

Uncle Herman was a more gentle sort. He just like to cuddle and smooch and pet me when I had just come fresh and dewy from out of the bath.

And anal.

He was funny that way.

Whose that dick with the light on the end of his head.

If someone tweeted that to you.......would you know who it was?

Commenter Memories Number 88-The Crack Emcee meets his political idol

The Crack Emcee will never forget when he met his favorite Dick when his brother Willis took him to get authographs at the Beverly Wilshire hotel.

Whose that Dick?

If someone twittered it to you.....would you know whose that Dick?

Commentor Memories Number 87- Ricpic loves his cousin Sadie

Just a little bit too much.

Oy.

Commentor Memories Number 87- Jeremy hates his Mom.

She used to drag him to all these patroitic parades and stuff. They would leave the little motel they owned on the Pacific Coast Highway and go to town when Barry Goldwater or Governor Reagan or someone like that would come to town.

Nobody has seen his Mom in a while. That must be why he has so much time to post on the Internet.

Commentor Memories Number 86-The guys are kinda sorry the Dust Bunny Queen Retired!

She was a lot of fun at the office.

She could put the lead in your pencil. So to speak.

Happy Birthday Adrienne!

Adrienne is 66 today June 11th. Happy Birthday and thank you for the good times we have had together.

Health and happiness to you.

All of your many friends here at the Trooper York Blog rise to salute you.

Gratuitous bathtub photo: Rehab edition.

What if Congressman Weiner met a women in rehab and fell in love.

No...no....no!

Marilyn's Diary

I hated my cousin Eddie. He was a little freak.

He always used to try to catch a glimpse of me when I didn't have any clothes on. He would hide in the bathroom or even in the drawers of my bureau. He had drilled a hole in the the drawer and would play with himself while I was undressing. He especially like to watch me go to the bathroom for some reason. He would fall out of the shower and beat himself off like crazy if he caught me wiping myself. I hated him.

He moved to New York and became a congressman. Every Christmas he texts me a picture of his dick. It's disturbing.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon June 25, 1960
(Ted Williams and Johnny Pesky walk in after a Yankee, Red Sox game)
Toots: Hey Ted howz ya doin kid. To bad the Yanks kicked your ass today.
Ted Williams: Fuck you, you stupid jewboy get us a fuckin’ table before I pound you one.
Toots: How many times do I have to tell you I don’t like that kinda talk in here you ignorant meathead?
Ted Williams: What do I care you sheeny bastard. Just get me a table before I have my boy Pesky here give you a knuckle sandwich.
Johnny Pesky: Can I Ted, can I, I can do it Ted, I swear I can, let me at him, I’ll pulverize him.
Toots Shore: Shut up you midget fuck before I step on you and squish you like the bughouse cockroach that you are. I thought you retired you midget cocksucker. What are you a fuckin coach. Jeez why are all you Red Sox guys such assholes. Com’on there’s some people in the back you might want to say hello to!
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties)
Toots: Joe look who’s here. It’s Ted and his shoe shine boy.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Ted. Nice to see you again. (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and shakes with Ted, she nods at Pesky)
Ted Williams: Nice to see you again doll. What are you doing with this lousy Dago! I thought you got a divorce and was married to that jew writer. Whaz da matter. He is a salami smoker or what? You could do better doll.
Johnny Pesky (hopping around like a Chihuahua with a chili pepper up its ass) Yes you could Miss Monroe, yes you could….Ted is the greatest…the best ballplayer in the world. There ain’t nobody as good as Teddy Ballgame.
Joe DiMaggio: (takes off one of his world series rings and starts to shine it with a napkin, he looks up and smiles)
Toots: Hey why do youse crumbums have to always start shit. Lets siddown and have a couple of pops.
Marilyn: That sounds like fun. (Marilyn sits down opposite Ted, and as she does her legs are slightly open. She is not wearing any underwear. Curiously Ted does not notice and Marilyn pouts) So Ted you have a very large head do you know that? I love good head.
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe?
Joe DiMaggio: (Joe just smiles and looks down at Marilyn’s twat which has been furiously queefing like a mallard in heat)
Toots Shor: Yeah come to think of it how come I never see you with any of the broads who hang around the ballplayers. Whaz-a-matter the Baseball Annies are too good for you, you putz.
Ted Williams: Thanks Marilyn. I like good head too. And you better shut up you dumb ass hebe before I wallop you one on that giant ugly head of yours.
Joe DiMaggio: What’s the matter Ted. Did that hit a nerve. Or does your crazy mama not want her little boy to have any girl friends.
Johnny Pesky: You better shut up you no good wop fuck. Teddy loves the ladies. Just last night he went out on the town with his pal Rock Hudson and they banged a bunch of chicks. He’s a big time movie star. Him and Rock are best friends and go on double dates all the time. I mean they even banged Doris Day. At the same time. Theys was all in the bed at the same time. And she’s a real movie star! No offense Miss Monroe.
Marilyn: Hhnnnpphhh!!!! (she hisses and her queefs getting even louder, so loud that Pesky looks for where the sound is coming from, )
Ted Williams: Is that a duck? And why do I smell tuna fish?
Johnny Pesky: (realizes when he doesn’t find a duck that is coming from under her skirt and whispers under his breath) She ain’t got any underwear on Ted, nothing I swear, look it looks like that Fidel Castro guy eating a piece of liver.
Marilyn: No wonder they call you Pesky. Joe they are starting to bore me.
Joe DiMaggio: (looks over to another table where Frankie Carbo is sitting with a few of the boys) Frankie?
Toots: Oh shit Joe, no trouble please. (Four of Carbos guys grab the two Red Sox players by the arms and give them the bums rush out the door)
Ted Williams: I get you for this you fucking wop bastard…you too you dirty hebe ……hey take it easy. I just got this suit from my mother at the Salvation Army.
Marilyn: Don’t hurt his head; it might be only thing he is going to have left someday. Hee.

Tales of Amy's Garden

Bigwig: Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Sir?
Bigwig: I'd like to talk with you.
Hyzenthlay: Yes Sir.
Bigwig: I just wanted to know what is going on at the old warren. We don’t want any surprises.
Hyzenthlay: Lots of stuff sir. It’s seems the lady who owned the garden is moving. She is packing up all of her stuff.
Bigwig: Really. Everything? That is a lot of stuff.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. All of her dresses made from old venetian blinds. The cases of peroxide on the porch. The photo’s she take with her broken lense of flowers and dogs urinating. Even the empty Paul Masson bottles she like to throw into the yard. All of it.
Bigwig: That’s crazy. Why is she moving?
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know sir. I overheard her telling the farmer that lives with her that one day she tried to come home but her house had disappeared. I think she just had too much wine but that is not for me to say. I mean how much is too much?
Bigwig: Really. That reminds me of old times. How could a whole house disappear? That sounds like the lady in the garden that I remember. She used to make rabbits disappear all the time.
Hyzenthlay: Well the new place will be very different. You will have to show identification and everything before you get into her garden. She wants your name and social security number and blood type and a stool sample and everything. She even wants a paw print.
Bigwig: Well that might mean that a lot of people won’t want to come visit anymore. The noisy blue jay likes to flit in and out and won’t want to show his papers every day. He is very flighty and spends too much time examining his poop to worry about carrying his passport. The angry badger hates to show his claws. Well he likes to show his claws but only when he wants to do it. Even the self involved crow won’t want to show his stuff every time he drops by. He just wants to pop in and get everyone else to come back to his place. It’s a black crow thing.
Hyzenthlay: I know. I guess she doesn’t care. She spent a lot of money on this new place. She has people fixing it up and everything and not just the farmer she got to cook her meals and trim her lettuce.
Bigwig: Well that doesn’t sound like her. She is really cheap. I remember how she used to fight with the pizza guy all the time because she gave him a nickel tip. That’s why he used to put that green stuff on her pie all the time. And I don’t mean basil.
Hyzenthlay: I don’t know. I guess she feels it’s worth it to move. It must be scary if your house disappears. Or something.
Bigwig:Well I guess you will be going with her. I expect a full report on the move. Carry on Hyzenthlay.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir. Will you be coming back again soon sir...
Bigwig: Perhaps. I if I can find my way to then new farm. We shall see. Just be careful when you go there. The lady is hard to figure out sometimes. You never know which way she will jump.
Hyzenthlay: Yes sir if you say so sir.

Marilyn's Diary

Today would have been my Uncle Hermans 152 birthday.

I loved how he used to cuddle with me when I was feeling blue. He would take me in his arms and snuggle with me and let me tweek the bolts in his neck.

Then he would tweak my teenage nipples. And other things.

With his long green tongue.

It was the best of times.

What if Star Dates were like J Dates?

"We have a video message from our son. It seems he is engaged."

"Yes to a Princess from Vulcan. I am almost jealous."

"You will always be my princess Amanda."

"Don't call me that. My father always called me that."

"So why is that a problem."

"He used to touch me when my mother wasn't home."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you say anything."

"He always told me that Father Knows best."

What if Star Dates were like J Dates?

"I don't understand my dear. If there was another ship underneath us, surely you will enjoy my wessel as it comes into your space port."
"Shut up and kiss me you Russki fool."

What if Star Dates were like J dates?

"So Khan you are my prisoner."
"That might be Kirk but I will never submit."
"Well we shall see."
"To the last, I will grapple with thee... from Hell's heart, I stab at thee! For hate's sake, stop staring at my tits!"

What if Star Dates were like J Dates?

"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH THAT"S SO GOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!"

"Err....Mr Sulu I haven't started your colonoscopy yet."

What if Star Dates were like J dates?

"Don't go in there Mr. Spock. I think Nurse Chapel has the wrong idea. When the door wooshed open I notice that she was naked with a bottle of Saurian Brandy!"
"Thank for informing of that fact. Oh and Mr. Sulu?"
"Yes Mr. Spock?'
"Please take your hands off of my tits."

Hey that ain't Lou Brock?

But it was a St Louis Cardinal that showed up in my yard to nibble on my nuts.

And yesterday there were a couple of Baltimore Orioles.

We have had Robins and Bluebirds and even an Owl in the backyard. It is pretty cool.

You see Weiner isn't the only guy from Brooklyn who can show you the bird.

Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh

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Don't Duck doing the Dishes.

We were real busy today. Lots of stuff to do and no time to hang on the internet today.

We also entertained tonight and had some friends over. I made some appetizers. Prosciutto and melon. Fresh Mozzarella, Basil and Tomato. Olives, Manchego, Fontina and Grapes. Then we went around the corner to the Thai place and brought back some of the appetizers they make. Spring rolls, Veggie Dumplings and Chicken Sate.

We had a lot of fun laughing and eating and drinking.

I let the ducks clean up.

Remembrance of things Pabst

So if you watched the Pizza Tour video you saw Louie from Sam’s Restaurant throwing a pie on the table. It was pretty funny that I was going on a historic tour and they brought us to my house.

Now I had not been in Sam’s for about twenty five years because of an old and obscure beef that we had. Actually it wasn’t my beef it was my buddy Vito but I got out of the habit of going there. But we had a lot of history with the joint. My Mom had her bridal shower there in 1956 and my dad used to go there once a week when he came home from night school. He would always get a veal cutlet parm sandwich and the big cottage fries that they make and it was a big treat when he let me get up and have some fries while he watched the end of the game on WOR TV.

When I walked off the bus into the place Louie goes “You lived here fifty fucking years and you had to take a bus to come?” What could I say? You see this is an old school Carroll Gardens kind of place. Cash only. No bullshit. If they don’t like you they tell you to fuck off. Now Louie and I grew up together on Tompkins Place since we were in diapers. He sorta talks exactly like me with the same bad attitude. You see we are not interested in bullshit. We just laughed and I promised him I would come back soon.

So this past Friday we went with two other couples who are friends of ours. I went before hand to make sure we got a table because they don’t open that back room where they had the pizza tour because they don’t have too if they don’t want to. I immediately ordered a pizza as an appetizer and some wine and Pellegrino for the table. That’s how we usually do it when we go out because everyone trusts me to order because they know I will get the right stuff to start the meal off right.

Some people got the chicken parm or the veal parm or gnocchi and they all loved the fries. As we were sitting there we enjoyed the comedy. They would seat the neighborhood people but when the hipster assholes came in they told them there was an hour wait. At the end of the night a couple of hippie dippie types got a table. Then the high jinks began. They order a ricotta pie which by its very nature is pretty soupy. They ate half of it and then they wanted to cook it some more. You can’t do that in a brick oven, it ain’t like the oven in your local pizza shop where they heat up slices. So Louie is arguing with them and cursing them out in Italian which me, my cousin the elf, a couple of other neighborhood people understood so we were all laughing our ass off. It was like a couple of those protestors from Madison walked into Al Capone’s social club. It was pretty fucking funny!

Anywho a good time was had by all and they didn’t complain too much about drinking the Santa Cristina in Flintstones Jelly glasses. Everybody loves to be in with the in crowd. Louie and I reconnected and patched up our differences and we have a new joint to hit in the rotation.

Poems of Trooper's Garden

In Brooklyn
You walk down the hot street
And when you get to the end of the hot street
There's another hot street to walk down.
Little do you know that hidden out of sight
Are backyards: hundreds and hundreds of
Hidden sunken sanctuaries of shade
Where hundreds of bare arms are
Raising the beautiful glass of guinea red aloft
And dreamily looking through the ruby globe
At the sun receiving walls of stucco and brick
and clapboard
That rise above their blissfully sunken havens
of shade
And knowing at that moment that
All Is Good.

ricpic, 2011

Pizza tour 2011 check it out

Tales of Trooper's Garden

Here is a photo of our fig tree which is taking over the garden like that movie where the plant eats people. I cut it down to nothing and it came back strong. The reason why it goes so nicely is that it is in shade of the bigger tree in the next yard so it gets plenty of sun but doesn't bake.

You can also get a glimspe of the rose bush in the back that also came in really strong. I really cut it down last year. When you cut it back and really trim it then it grows back stronger than before. That works with almost everything.

I said almost Congessman Weiner.

Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.

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Dinner is served

We have been enjoying the "Skinny Girl" Margarita as a pre-dinner cocktail.

And does a skinny girl always need?

A nice sausage.

The check is in the mail

The Men in Black dude called the store to tell us the checks were delayed. He said the accounting department was overwhelmed since they had to do 200 checks to the stores on Court St who all got at least $400. So they are dropping about $80,000.

I told him that a couple of the stores are owned by major league mobsters so he better do what he said he was gonna do. Cause it's a real nice little movie they got there and it would be a real shame if something happened to it if you know what I mean.

He knew what I meant.

Weiner Twitter photo scandal and how he could've prevented it

Lunch is served

We played hooky this morning because it was a beautiful day. The wife went to the nail salon for a mani-pedi and I hung out in the yard blogging and commenting.

When she got back we had lunch. She had the leftover sausage and peppers and I had the American Cheese with Potato Salad on toast. We shared the grapes, cherries and Manchego cheese.

A Napoleon is not just a pastry.

So I was on Jury duty this week.

Well actually they wasted my time. They never pick me. Why? Because. Because of a lot of reasons.

They don't want old people. They don't want conservatives. They don't want someone who hates lawyers. They don't want what they perceive as an "Angry white man." In NYC in 2011 I am a minority. I ain't bitching about it....it's just a fact. So they would never pick me and it is a complete waste of time.

Now it was funny because I was totally sympathetic to the defense's case and they should have fought hard to get me on the case. It was a DUI case but it was fucked up. The dude was driving down 4th Avenue and sped past the police station on 39th St. He had a few drinks and when they pulled him over he must have had an attitude as they piled on a bunch of charges like interfering in an investigation and disrespect to an officer or some such shit like that there. Plus the guy was an Arab!

Now you know my very low opinion of lawyers. I never thought that I could ever think less of them. I was wrong.

The prosecuter was a Smiley Chinese dude who had some issues with English. He was grinning through the whole case to the point that I could make about seventy jokes about but it just made you sigh. He couldn't get anything right and the judge kept correcting him as he was arguing his case in his questioning of the jury and generally fucking up. The worst of it was that there was another older white dude sitting next to me and when he was asking questions he kept calling the guy by my name! He couldn't even put the right name in the right seat on his little chart. I wanted to ask him "Excuse me Hop Sing but do all white guys look alike to you?" Of course you can't do that right? That would be racist right? It would get in you trouble right? There is no first amendment right? I mean not in NYC in 2011 there isn't. Just sayn'

What a douchenozzle. I mean he goes like this "This is a 2009 case. Now if you saw a movie in 2009 you might have forgotten some of the details? You can understand how people could forget?" So what is he telling us? That the cop witnesses (the only witnesses) might have forgotten what happened but we should convict Abdul anyway? WTF?

Now the defense attorney also missed a bet. I am sure I looked like a prime prosecution supporter because I am a big fat Irish looking guy with lots of cops in my family. But the opposite is really true. I know how fucked up most cops are in real life. I have no illusions. I know what happened. This guy was probably drunk and he was speeding and weaving down 4th Avenue. But he didn't get in an accident. He didn't hit anybody or anything. He didn't even run a light. Some midget cop pulled him over and got his balls twisted and decided to run the guy in and fuck him up. It is almost a given. The defendant was a pretty big guy about six one and 280. My size. I have been in his shoes.

You see when they were questioning us about our attitudes about the police all the kids on the jury gave namby pamby answers. "Oh there are some bad apples but most of them are just doing a job." "I have had some bad experiences with the police but I could be objective." What a crock of bullshit. When they asked me I said 'Well they made a big mistake when they lowered the height requirement. There is nothing worse than a midget cop. A napoleon is not just a pastry you know." Even the Cynthia McKinney judge laughed at that one.

They excluded the three people over fifty. The older Jewish woman who was a writer and a real liberal who complained about a ticket. The transplant from LA who was a screenwriter who moved to Williamsburg and talked about the problems with the bikes and stuff in his neighborhood. He was one of your card carrying NPR, PBS, Oliver Stone types. And me.

The common denominator was not political views. Left or right. It was that we had life experience and weren't intimidated by the lawyers. You see lawyers are bullies. They picked kids in their twenties or younger. People they could push around. Not somebody that might lead the jury to a verdict that they didn't want. And that was a real mistake by the defense because I would have done all I could to get the guy off. And the way some of the younger kids laughed at the stuff I said and reacted when we were waitng to go back in the courtroom I was pretty confident I could have gotten them to get Ackbar off.

The only thing worse than a jounalist is a lawyer.

Backyard bliss!

So we decided to try to enjoy the backyard more than we have the last couple of years since we opened the store. After we powerwashed the fuck out of the backyard we got some "Skinny Girl" Margerita's and chips to sit in the back and relax. The Yankees on the radio and a cigar....it was heaven.

We spent all Memorial Day working in the Yard

We powerwashed the backyard and cleaned everything including the barn. Didn't know I had a barn did you....you hicks! Ha. Brooklyn has everything.

The plants on the table are waiting for replanting and you can see the two Lilac bushs in front of the barn.

It was a lot of work but it was worth it for our urban oasis. We love our backyard.

Accidents will happen on President St

Here is the aftermath of one of the staged stunts on the Men in Black 3 shoot last week.

And the fucking guy still did not show up with my money. WTF!

Sign of the times!

They also changed all of the street signs and took all of the city garbage cans off Court St. You see there wasn't any city cans back in the 1960's. Everybody cleaned up after themselves.

I am waiting for the guy to bring me my check and he hasn't shown up yet. What's up with that shit?

Hey it's not old it's vintage!

Here is a photo of some of the vintage cars they parked on Court St. as they filmed Men in
Black 3. They were all from the 1960's and there were some beauties.

On the second night they filmed a stunt right outside the shop on the corner of President St. where they would crash one car into another. They fucked up a couple of really cool vintage cars but what are you gonna do?