Laura Bush's Diary

I was out shopping at Wal-Mart for Christmas stuff and what do I come across but an advance reader’s copy of ‘Going Rouge” by Sarah Palin. I thought I would bring it home to W since he is a big Palin fan. Well I mean he isn’t really a big fan he just loves the way she hates that back stabbing douche bag John McCain. So the enemy of his enemy is his enema or something like that.

So I loaded up the pickup with a couple of cases of Lone Star, a big barrel of Cheeto’s, six jars of cocktail olives, five cases of Depends, and about fifty rolls of toilet paper cause bug eyed Barb and Poppy were scheduled for a visit. I hate when they stay over because W and his dad go into the study and get all geo-politically and I have to entertain that bug eyed twat and listen to her bullshit all day and night. If wasn’t for tequila I would lose my shit and go all Dominic Carter on her ass but I can mellow with some Patron and lime.

Naturally when I get back to the ranch they are already there and Poppy is locked in the study with W and his mom is busy abusing the maids. I mean she has it in for Mexicans ever since her favorite son that suckass Jeb married one. She just hates Spanish people. She threw an ashtray through the plasma once when Ugly Betty kissed a white boy. So I have to be careful to watch out because last time I left her alone she set Consuelo on fire. She claimed it was an accident but you know I had my doubts.

Anyhoo I grabbed her wheelchair and pushed her on to the sun porch before she torched another peon and poured her a tequila shooter and gave her a big bowl of Cheeto’s. I said “Look you nasty twat you better calm down or I will keep you in the same Depends all day like that crazy astronaut bitch. Here, check out this book, it’s by your favorite Sarah Palin. Hee.”

You see that was a big joke because Barbara hated Sarah Palin with a passion. She was like a lot of broads who hate a girl that is prettier than she is and who has all the boys buzzing around her. You know old Barb was hot stuff back in the day and she was the center of attention and had a lot of guys writing her and flirting with her and stuff. But then she married Poppy and all of her suitors dropped out and she never recovered from the lack of male appreciation. Of course that was a long time ago and most of those guys died in the Civil War and stuff but she is still pissed. So when there is a hot young piece that all the boys get a boner on then old Barb finds a way to fuck her up. She was the one that first gave Lindsey Lohan cocaine you know? And told her she should be a lesbian. And she told Britney Spears that she was too young to be a mom and should go off her meds. She even told that new vampire chick what’s her name that if she really wanted to look like a vampire she had to shoot some smack. So she really hated it that the conservative fan boys all got a chubby from Caribou Barbie.

There is a whole group of these nasty girls in Washington. They even formed a PAC to raise money to send ethics complaints to Alaska. That pasty faced Irish whore Maureen Dowd was the President and Peggy Noonan and Katie Couric and Soledad Obrien and some crazy blogger were all members. Of course most of them needed a “member “in the right spot but that’s another story. They even had a membership card and a secret handshake. They just hated how all the men loved Sarah and weren’t interested in them anymore. Well the real men. Not the sensitive liberal homo types like that Boring Heads guy. They hated Sarah too. Especially her shoes.

Anyway bug eyed Barb was a charter member. She even came up with the name. “Can’t U Not Talk Sarah!” Of course she was drunk at the time. But that is what she always yelled when she saw her on the TV. You see all these bitches are just jealous. They can’t stand to see another woman get praise or attention when they are just dried up old nasty crones. So they make up lies and start trouble and write column’s and nasty blog posts and tell lies. I mean Barb was going on and on about how Palin couldn’t stop her daughter from getting knocked up and what a bad mother she was and all and she forgets she couldn’t stop her precious Jeb from putting a tortilla in Juanita’s taco maker for crying out loud.

Anyway I got her distracted from her bullshit and all by putting on midget wrestling and some videos of a chimp getting a hummer from a frog and she quieted down and gummed some Cheeto’s and did tequila shooters till she passed out. I swear W is gonna pay for this. He better do me good tonight even if I have my period. I know it’s costume night.

He can dress up.

As Captain Blood. Hee.