Sorry Sweetheart but I would rather be Tommie Agee than New Agee!

What I did this week would send the Crack Emcee off on a murder spree. We are trying everything we can to relax and prepare for what is ahead of us. So the wife decides we should go to this spa on the corner that we pass everyday and has all this bullshit that is supposed to help you relax and stuff. You know get our Chaka Khan's in alignment.

First we got the eyebrows threaded. Now we only did that because the girl who does it shops in the store and we always try to return the favor. But while we were there we saw that they did acupuncture so we decided to try it. We both have pain issues and we hoped that this could help. We talked to one of the partners who explained the whole deal to us. So we booked appointments at the same time.

They put you in this room which is the typical spa room if you ever went to get a massage or something. You know. The massage table with the paper sheet. You lay down and they stick you full of needles. Now the wife went first and I had to stay in the room with her until they put in all the needles in case she couldn't stand it and I had to make them stop. But it wasn't so bad and she was ok with it as they didn't really put in all that many needles. So she was ok and I went to my room. And she put about fifty needles in me. She said I needed a lot of help. Or she just didn't like me. Whatever. It actually seemed to help. I know I went right to sleep and slept through the whole appointment. Of course I am very tired. I can sleep through anything. The wife fidgeted through her appointment but I just relaxed. Sometimes a clean conscience is the best defense.

Anyhoo when my time was done the needle lady said that I should join my wife in a consultation with the "Holistic director." Now you know what that is about. Upselling. Perfectly acceptable. We do it too. You know you buy a dress and we try to sell you the accessories that match it. Most people want that. But if they don't you back off right away. So this skinny twat is droning on and on. She asked questions about stuff like our diet. I guess she figured we ate fast food or frozen pizza or some shit because we are fat. But the wife threw her a curve ball. "Oh my husband goes to the store every day and buys fresh meats and vegetables and cooks me a fresh meal everyday." So she was nonplussed. She starts saying stuff "Well meat is good for some people but a healthy way to go is to go vegan and start juicing your meals."

I didn't say anything. I just sat there and stretched my neck and stuff. I am trying to turn over a new leaf. I am meeting a lot of California trendy assholes lately and I can't call them all out. So I sat there and let her bullshit because it would be over soon enough. I mean this was her rice bowl. Well her brown rice bowl. We all have our jobs to do. So I didn't get involved. She said her spiel and gave the wife all the information. The only time she turned to me she said "Oh and you know what you can do for exercise....you should try Tai Chi." I shook my head and said "Sorry Sweetheart but I don't do Tai Chi. I do Tsingtao."

Sometimes I can't help it, I just have to be a douche.

Mr. Eddie kuài jì se.......I think they are dead!

So in 1976 I was in college but still working full time doing accounting. I took a lot of night classes at Pace and would go out to clients early in the morning. That was back in the days when I still could get up early in the morning.

We had this Chinese Restaurant client called Szechuan D'Or that was owned by this very nice couple named James and Nancy Tseng. I had been there a few times with Mr. Eddie Kuai ji se to do the taxes. It was on 40th Street off first Avenue just steps away from the FDR. I had only gone there a few times but then something happened.

The owners were murdered.

They were both shot in the restaurant and left to bleed out on the floor surrounded by bags of fortune cookies and the cardboard cartons they used to send out take out. The rumor was that it was the "Ghost Shadows" which was the big Chinese gang at the time. They were going around extorting Chinese restaurants and businesses at the time. They were an off shoot of one of the tongs. The cops thought that the Tseng's didn't pay off and that's why they were murdered.

What was funny was that someone else took over the next week and they didn't miss a beat. Was this guy part of the gang? He was an older guy and had something to do with the tong I think. I know that all the cooks and waiters were scared shitless of him. He was always very nice to me. He was the first one to get me to try pork fried dumplings. I was scared not to try them when he put a plate in front of me. I will always thank him for that.

We never got the full story. The reason why this happened had something to do with the building. The Tseng's owned it and some big developer wanted the air rights or something or to buy it outright. We did the taxes there for another six years or so and then our firm changed and stuff and I lost track of what happened with it since I was no longer involved.

But for a couple of years when the door opened and a couple of young Chinese dudes in leather jackets would walk in the door.....well lets just say.....the sphincter muscles loosened a little....and that was even before I ate anything!

Where do you go to find Jewish People on Christmas?

ricpic said...

Every Chinese restaurant I've ever been in either had this horrible red lacquer look or had zero, I mean absolutely no interior decoration. And there's nothing about a Chinese restaurant's appearance that gives a clue to the quality of the food. But they all used to have those little black and white hexagonal tiled floors. That was nice. I guess it's a culture of you came for the food here's the food, no waste money for decoration on you, long nosed people.

For years, I mean years, my family went to the same Chinese restaurant on Pitkin Avenue. This was before "the great change." It was one of those 2nd floor joints, though I shouldn't call it a joint, by Chinese restaurant standards it was pretty ample. Anyhow, we'd always have the same meal: Won Ton soup; egg rolls; spare ribs; then for the main course both Moo Goo Gai Pan and Lobster (I can't remember what they called it, maybe Lobster Cantonese, but it was lobster in a gloppy white sauce; and dessert was always chocolate or vanilla ice cream. About a million Jewish families did the same and by doing so - it was practically a Sunday ritual - kept the wolf from the Chink door for decades.

Hey, I left out fortune cookies. Who could forget fortune cookies with their strange hint of oranges taste? God knows what those things were made of, closest thing to plastic in the food world

What ricpic is talking about is the big change over when Chinese Restuarants started serving Szehuan and Hunan style dishes instead of the straight Cantonese stuff that was traditional Chinese food. The restuarants are exactly as he described since they got all of their fixtures and supplies from the same place in Chinatown. They also got their provisions from the same places as I found out when I did the books for different joints all over the city. They are very insular and stick with their own kind for the most part.

Those old school dishes like chop suey, shrimp egg rolls and wonton soup are still around but I very seldom order them. Only one of the joints I used to do the taxes for stayed with the Cantonese food: Yee's Cafe on Ann St until they were attacked by a battalion of rats.

And you are so right about those fortune cookies. Man they taste like cardboard.

Mr. Eddie kuài jì se

Mr. Eddie was the king of chinese restaurants back in the 1970's. He had a bunch of them as clients. What would happen is that he got a couple and then the waiters or cooks would get together and open their own joint. Or take over the lease of somebody who failed in some spot.

When we walked in to work they would all run around and screech "Mr. Eddie kuài jì se" which means accountant in Chinese. We would come in between lunch and dinner. I worked with Eddie during the summer off from school. I would help him write up the general ledger and do the bank reconciliations and do the payroll cards. And we would always get a free lunch. All of the workers would sit at a big table and they would eat a meal family style. But it was always some disgusting stuff with fish heads or something. I choked it down a few times but I couldn't really take it. So the owners started taking pity on me and give me a plate of chop suey or some beef and broccoli. Sometimes I would get there before Eddie and do all the work and he would come later and check it. His wife had moved to Florida then so he had no reason to go home. So he would hang around and keep me late. So we would have dinner too. And I would always get some of that great Chinese beer. Tsingtao. They would always give to me for free. No matter how many I had. And since Eddie would want company it could be five or six beers. I can still taste them.

Later I took over the accounts and would do all the work for them. What we would do is help them get relatives into the country by writing letters to the Chinese Consul to help them to get into the country so they were always very grateful. So they wouldn't even wait for the owner to bring it out. When I would be out bouncing with my buddies we would pile in to eat. And guess what? They would always give us the beer for free! So of course they always wanted to eat there. But I didn't abuse it. I just loved my Tsingtao! So much so that when I would come in and the waiters would all scurry around and shout: "Tsingtao Mr. Jimmy" is here get the beers.