One year ago today

One year ago today I was in the hospital. I had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and they were medicating me before deciding on putting in a pacemaker.

I want to thank everyone who was so wonderful to Lisa and me while I was sick. You concern and all of the things you did were really, really appreciated. I know I have said it before but from the bottom of my heart I say thank you!

I can say it from the bottom of my heart because it is not full of water. On my last check up the doctor said my numbers are very good and additional surgery is not indicated.

Most of all I thank God for his infinite mercy.

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?"

Calm down Palladian this is not gay stuff.

Youse guys remember when my varicose vein burst a few years ago and I almost bled out in the kitchen? Well now I have to be really careful. I am on blood thinners and if I get a bad cut I can bleed out faster than the Crack Emcee would run from a real job. I am taking Xarelto which is a lot better drug than Coumadin which is in actuality rat poison. Still it is a dangerous blood thinner and you have to not get a cut.

So today I got a cut.

Actually not a cut but a little scape. It bled like a son of a bitch. It was scary. I am ok because I put on direct pressure and it clotted. So I am not worried. Unless I get cut making dinner or some shit like that there.

It's funny. There are supposed to be side effects. They include:

changes in vision

confusion, trouble speaking or understanding

red or dark-brown urine

redness, blistering, peeling or loosening of the skin, including inside the mouth

severe headaches

spitting up blood or brown material that looks like coffee grounds

sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg

trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination

unusual bruising or bleeding from the eye, gums, or nose

Shit. That was how I spent the 1980's. Now I don't even have to pay for the beers. The marvels of modern medicine.

I did have to wonder

I don't really want to complain too much because I was very lucky. So I won't list all the mistakes and screw-ups that happened during my stay at the hospital. But I couldn't help noticing some stuff.

It was a funny thing. When I went into the operating room the two doctors were white guys. The scrub nurse was an older white woman. The other two operating room nurses were white guys.

But the nurse who shaved my balls was black.

I know that makes me a racist for noticing that but hey facts are facts.

It is why I can never live in Madison Wisconsin.

So I would like to make a report.....

But I think it would be boring. I mean I know I like to complain a lot so many of my posts are just a rant of complaints. I am very grateful that I made it out in one piece so I should stick with that.

A brief replay. You know that they postponed it from Monday to Tuesday. The doctor was stuck doing emergencies so I was put on the back burner. I had to stay over night which really sucked and had to wait around to the middle of the next day to get it done. Then they made me stay over because they wanted to monitor me and the incision. So I had to stay over and it sucked even worse. They guy who shared the room with me the second day was a real piece of work. He peed all over the toilet and coughed and farted and yawned at the top of his longs all night. Lisa asked me how I could stand it the next day. She wanted to smother him with a pillow but we managed to get out of Dodge without any problems.

I feel kind of tired and my heart occasionally beats right out of my chest. Well the pacemaker actually. It seems that my heart was beating so fast that I didn't really notice it. Now it beats with the pacemaker bump a bump a bump. Which is reassuring but scary all in one. I am walking and talking slowly and trying not to strain. I have to take it easy for two weeks and then gradually get back into the swing of things.

Thanks for all the best wishes and good words youse guys. It really helped and I really appreciate it. I am very lucky and very grateful that it all turned out all right!

Set Lasers to Ablation!

So it is time for my procedure tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at 11:30 which kind of sucks. I don't get to eat anything after midnight and I know I am going to be really hungry.I mean I am really hungry all the time now and this is just going to make it worse.

It really sucks to eat healthy and I am only doing it because otherwise I would die. But I hate every minute of it. Walking past pizza stores. Bakeries. Bars. I just hate it man.

But for some strange inexplicable reason the wife wants me to stick around so I have to be good. I am sure everything will be fine but I doubt I will feel like posting for a couple of days. We will see how it goes.

Medical Care is just peachy.

I had to go to the doctor today because I didn't feel so good last night.

So when I get there he goes "How did you do with your medications?" "What medications? I only got one. I was sure that there were more and kept asking about it but they assured me it was only one."

He got freaked out and ran out of the office.

It turns out I was supposed to be getting four pills not one. But they fucked.

So now I know the proper prescription: New Doctor.

ET phone home?

Wait a minute?

I am already home.

I won't have to call.

It was like Hangover 3

Freaking Chow was my nurse. He was a funny guy but kept forgetting to give me my medication. Not so funny.

I needed the monkey instead. He would have been on the ball.

Lisa tried to make it homey

That's homey not homo Palladian. She brought me my blankie that my mommy made me. The only thing was it sort clashed with the high tech gadgets like the sleep apnea mask I had to wear. But I didn't care. If it let me sleep it made me one happy fella.

I am wrapped up in my blankie now while I post.

No pants though.

We need to maintain some traditions after all.

Seriously doesn't anybody know what they are doing.

The nurses were a bit of a crapshoot. Some of them were really personable but lousy nurses. They could laugh and be funny but they couldn't find a vein. They would stick me more times than some guy who was dating Bernardo's sister. Others had the personality of a wet fart but were all business and made sure I got my meds and my tests and reported stuff to the doctor that had to be reported. So you can't judge a nurse by their cover.

We all know a nasty and sadistic drunken nurse who it is best to avoid. Just be happy she isn't sticking you. Just sayn'

What is love?

Love is my darling wife Lisa. She stood by me through every minute of this crazy stuff. She stayed over ever night at the hospital to make sure I got the right care. The first couple of nights she just slept in a hard chair which killed her back. But she stood there holding my hand as I got stable.

Love is my darling wife Lisa who only went home to shower and bring back supplies. She decorated the room to make me feel at home. We scrounged stuff like James Garner in "The Great Escape." You see the Hospital had almost closed so sometimes it was hard to get simple stuff like bed linens. We ended up with four chairs including a recliner for her to sleep in. Two of those rolling tray tables. And a fan that nobody could figure out how we got.

Love is the way my darling girl set up the room. She brought my crocheted blanket from home and all kinds of soaps and lotions for my skin that was drying out in the hospital air. She bought a whole bunch of flameless battery candles that we set up at the end of the night as we watched NetFlicks on the IPad. She made it feel like home.

Love is my darling girl who actually learned how to turn on the oven when I came home. It is not her thing but is doing it for me so I can have something good to eat. She is bringing me my meds and a cup of tea.

Love is the person that completes you. The one who would do anything for you and who you would do anything for in return.

Love is my wife Lisa.

Coming Home

While the Super Mario guy pushed me in the wheelchair.

I was so wiped out by the surgery I couldn't do much the last couple of days. Yeah I know. I am a big pussy. But I was very tired.

It felt like they put the pacemaker in with a spoon. It is right over my heart and a lead was fed into the center of the heart to give me a boost if I start to lose rhythm. As a white guy I have never had rhythm so this will be a nice change of pace.

I feel very weak so I couldn't deal. We came home and slept about eight hours straight. I need to take it very easy for the next couple of weeks. But hey that might lead to a lot of blogging. Heh.

I can't begin to thank all of you for your concern, kind words and prayers. Special thanks to ndspinelli. We have only just met but Lisa and I feel we have made friends for life with Nick and Leslyn. They are the best.

It's funny but when the chips are down you get to see who is who and what is what. People I never thought would step up were there to help. I had so many people who did great things. Marco Polo sent food for Lisa and the owner called up his doctor and bullied him into reviewing all of my charts to make sure they were doing the right thing. Montleone's bakery sent trays of cookies to bribe the nurses so they would take care of me. And my car service guys refused to take money when they drove Lisa back and forth and when they brought me home.

It is true that you reap what you sow. I always try to do the right thing and all of the love that flowed back showed me that in some small way I was doing it right

Thank you all. I love you all.

But not in a homo way Palladian so calm down.

Oh and one more thing. That is not my purse. Just sayn'

As the virgin told her boyfriend....

You really are going to put that in me?

It looks like they are putting the gadget in on Thursday at around eleven. It is a combination pacemaker, defibrillator, can opener and Pocket Fisherman. You see me heart doesn't just run fast it also runs slow. So this will fix me up more or less.

Also some heart meds and a new sucky diet.

Keep a good thought.

God bless America

You ruined the video

Bad Battery

Bad Patient You!

The Last Destination Hospital

Stress my ass out bitches.

I don't know if the wife is gonna wanna sleep with Hannibal Lecter?

We kind of found out the whole problem or a big part of my problem was sleep apnea. That's where you tongue covers your airway when you sleep and you labor to breathe. I have been coughing and not breathing as my airway was blocked.

So they hooked me up with this giant machine that I have to wear when I sleep. It shoots pure oxygen into you in big doses. I thought I would have a problem but I didn't. I slept like a baby and had the best sleep I have had in years.

It's funny. The only time I had a good sleep was when II got smashed. Alcohol serves as a relaxant and keeps your airway open. So I told Lisa why not let just got to bed drunk every night It would work just as good as the machine and she wouldn't have to sleep with a guy who looks like Hannibal Lecter.

She wouldn't go for it.

So I will be wearing a mask to bed. Like Zorro or something. Jeeez.