Laura Bush's Diary,

So we were sitting around the family room watching TV. We got a little tired of the Olympics and started flipping the channels. You see W kinda is off of the Olympics if he doesn’t get to feel the ass of the female volleyball girls and stuff. I mean in the Winter Olympics they are wearing snow suits and stuff so how much fun can that be?

Anyhoo as we are flipping we get the C-Span feed of this big hyped summit meeting regarding health care. W stopped for a moment because he just loves to see Barry screwing up. He just keeps replaying it and laughing and laughing. It keeps him happy so I don’t care if he does that now and again. After all women’s curling isn’t until tonight.

So they are taking testimony and debate from various people and this vicious old harridan named Louise Slaughter goes in there and tells this long involved bullshit story about some woman that had to use her dead sister’s dentures. WHAT? I looked at W. He looked at me. And we both burst out laughing. Because of course there is a story involved with that.

You see it all happened back in 1991 during the great porno summit. Oh you never heard about that? Well you see there was a lot of trouble in the porno industry back in the day when they began the change over from video cassette tapes to DVD’s. The industry was going crazy and there were a lot of threats going back and forth between the various producers’s over who had the rights to issue the films in the new format. Now a lot of Poppy Bush’s campaign funds came from the porno industry. Oh you didn’t know that either? Well Chaney was our contact as he had all the old files from J Edgar Hoover and he used them to gently “persuade” some of the big wigs to give big-time to the campaign. So Chaney said we had to sort it out if we wanted the pipeline to flow, so to speak.

So they arranged for all the big shots in the porno industry to come in. They were all there. The Dark brothers. Kirdy Stevens. Gloria Leonard. Ron Jeremy. Kay Parker. Honey Wilder. Ginger Lynn. Peter North. And of course Aunt Peg.

You see most of what they were trying to decide was the classic stuff from back in the seventies that was going on DVD. The new stuff was properly copyrighted and everything but the early days of the industry was sort of a Wild West Show. With horses and everything. Just like that movie “Boogie Nights.” So they had to negotiate a settlement that was pleasing to all sides so we could get our campaign money. Now most of them didn’t trust Chaney so he couldn’t broker the deal. But my old friend Robyn Bird put in a good word. You see she had met that pop eyed twat Barbara when we appeared on Midnight Blue and she vouched for her as a fair judge and mediator. If she only knew?

Bug eyed Barb was the farthest thing from fair. She never forgave me for marrying her W. The only reason she tolerated me was because she hated Jeb’s wife Juanita even more. So they decided that they wanted me and Barb to work as arbiters. Along with Sandra Day O’Conner. You see Chaney had some photo’s of her with her palomino that gave him a little leverage so to speak and got her to attend the porno summit.

So we all met in the East Room and there was yelling and screaming and cursing and that was just Barb when they ran out of her favorite tequila. But eventually we ironed everything out and they all signed onto new contracts that everyone could agree with. I had to get home to pick up the twins from Girl Scouts so I left. But I heard the after party got out of control.

You see Barb and Kay Parker and Ron Jeremy and Peter North and Aunt Peg where all hanging around doing shots of tequila and eating hard pretzels. That’s where W gets his love of pretzels you know. From his mom! She was queer for pretzels man. It was really weird. But what was really screwed up was that Bridget the Midget and her brother Weenie Man were also in the group. And you know there is not controlling Barb when there are midgets around! So hilarity ensued. The only problem was that Aunt Peg is also really into little people. So there was a sort of competition going on. And Aunt Peg backs down to no one. She will go down on anyone but not back down on anyone that’s for sure!

Anyhoo the party breaks up and Chaney gets a whole bunch of pictures that made a whole lot of money for Halliburton when W invaded Iraq….oh wait I wasn’t supposed to mention that shit…... anyhoo the party breaks up. But of course it doesn’t end there.

You see Aunt Peg kept calling the White House. She claimed that her dentures got mixed up with old Bug eyed Barb and that she stole her teeth! You believe that shit! A raddled old whore kept calling the White House. And the other raddled old whore wouldn’t take her fuckin calls! So all though W’s administration we had to deal with Aunt Peg claiming that she had to gum her boyfriends because W’s mother had stolen her dentures. She even protested outside the White House and everything with a sign just like that other whore Cindy Sheehan. So we had to put a kibosh on that. Because Barb would never admit that she stole Aunt Peg’s dentures. She just thought that they were better than her's and helped her crunch pretzels so much better.

And midgets too!

The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes.

Once again it is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must endeavor to inquire if you have considered the facts I have developed in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and absence continues to bedevil the feeble minded set of miscreants that he has long been associated with.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. With that in mind I attempted to determine if anyone could tell me anything at all about Lord Douchebag, his likes and dislikes or anything at all that might aide in contacting him to determine if he is in good health.. Unfortunately my continuing inquires have come to naught once again.

As I have previously written to you, Lady Chatterley’s circle has had no contact with Lord Douchebag and the shallowness of their regard is such that they have never met face to face or communicated other than by post.

I attempted to see what exactly goes on in the famous salon of Lady Chatterley so had a surveillance of the premises made by several young constables from the yard. It seems that a woman would often be seen in silhouette in the window composing replies to the voluminous correspondence from her many toadies and lickspittles. Of course most assumed that this figure was Lady Chatterley herself. But I happened to know that she was occupied by her position with the Royal Society and was not in residence at the time. In fact the only person who was supposedly at home was her erstwhile lover. Much like your recent case in the matter of Miss Violet Wilson there seemed to be some chicanery afoot. I can not conceive of the notion that the said lover was impersonating the Lady Chatterley and issuing missives in her name but there seems to be no other explanation. I do know however that he favors green breeches and not the copper ones worn by Mr. Rucastle. Or was Copper Beeches the name of his estate. I misremember the facts of the case. But as you have often told me, when all other alternatives are impossible, the only one remaining must be the correct one no matter how unlikely it might seem on it’s face.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you will turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and that you have managed to contain the infestation of giant rats from Sumatra that were contained in the recent shipment of opium and cocaine that I had forwarded to you from our Lost and Found. I would have thought that said rodents would have been easier to contain because of the state of inebriation they were in due to there consumption of said nostrums but alas it was not to be. Please let me know how you handled this situation as it would be very helpful in dealing with some of the strange characters I have encountered in this most dubious disappearance of Lord Douchebag.

Your obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

February 27, 1896

Today's Gratuitous Bathtub Photo: AJ is ready for spring training edition

Hey pitcher's and catchers are in camp and the poor Phillies are nursing their wounds after getting slapped around by the varisty last year.

But to cheer up my pal AJ, here is a naked photo of the Phillie Phantic in the bathtub.

Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mrs. Steve Philips

Well I listened to Steve on that pompous prick Mike Francesa's radio show and I am pissed. Pissed I tell. As pissed as Petey gets if I don't change his Depends every hour on the hour.

Francesa kissed his ass the whole time. All Steve talked about is his sex addiction. How it was all his fault and you had nothing to do with it. Well that's not what he said when he wanted to put it in my pooter in my Acura in the parking lot at Fenway Park. He said you were a frigid bitch that only wanted to go to the spa and that you had no time for him. All he ever did was talk bad to you all three times we did in the car. Of course I had to wear the big Mr. Met's head but I am pretty sure that was what he was mumbling about.

Francesa just took calls from douche bags who wanted to kiss his ass and Steve's ass. He would never have me on his fuckin' show. I mean I lost my job too. My boss screwed me and lied to me and he gets to go on and sell his rehab bullshit and I am cleaning the colostomy bag of a Red Sox fan just to make ends meet. If I didn't let Steve meet my end none of this would have happened!

WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!

Where do I go to get my reputation back. Or to get another job. I mean David Letterman offered me a job and I had an application in with Governor Patterson but he fucked that up and now I am up shits creek.

Stevie better realize he ain't gonna get off this easy. I know where he lives. I know where you live. I know where rock lives. And I am gonna rock. Just wait and see.

Look behind you when you go out. Just so you know.

Toodles,

Your pal,

Brooke

Remembrance of things Pabst,

When I was a kid in grammar school it was a lot different then it is now. You knew everybody in the neighborhood and they knew you. So you were a young kid in the third grade but you could still walk home for lunch. Or go out to buy something. Sacred Hearts didn't have a cafeteria so during lunch hour you either brought your lunch and ate it at the desk or went out to buy a sandwich or pizza or something.

I have talked before of how we used to walk to Union and Columbia to get panele and potato sandwiches or the deep fried calzones at the "House of Pizza and Calzone." You were under the watchful eyes of the gangsters from the Gallo crew and God forbid a pervert would bother one of the kids. Man he wouldn't have made it off the block. Between the gangsters and FBI guys he would have been dead meat.

Anyway most of the time you would just go to Tony's Candy Store in the middle of Cheever Place right near the schoolyard entrance. You would walk past the newspapers and the candy and stuff to the back room where he had an old stove that the cooked on and made sandwiches. Meatball heroes. Veal cutlet parm. A half a loaf of Italian bread stuffed with frankfurters and sauerkraut and onions. And my favorite, the twenty five cents potatoes and sauce. You see all the heroes were a half a loaf of Italian bread and most of them were less than a dollar. A meatball hero was fifty cents. Ok it was the sixties. But the potato and sauce was the best. Just some boiled diced potato on bread with rich red marinara sauce poured on it for twenty-five cents. 100% carbohydrates and 1000% delicious.

Anyway the school closed and got made into condos and the family that owned the store opened up the Red Rose restaurant on Smith Street. Damn that must of been over thirty freakin years ago. Now the grandson Santo is the front man and he is a good friend of mine. You can go in and get old school Italian recipes. Rice balls. Veal spadini. A great sauce with spare ribs and meatballs and the sliced gravy round. Just like Grandma used to make. Whenever someone wants "real" Italian food I send them there. I don't go as often as I would like because of our dietary restrictions but whenever we go I chow down old school.

It just sucks that he won't make me potatoes and sauce.

Hey when did I become an old guy!

So this pretty cool show called "Men of a Certain Age" ended it's limited run on cable last week. It starred Ray Romano the "Everybody Loves Raymond" and Andre from "Homicide Life on the Streets" and the Quantum Leap dude.

Romano was the producer and writer on the show and I thought it was a quality show. it gave these guys believable problems and realistic situations. I mean Ray owns a business but he loves to gamble and had to lay off a worker because he was falling behind on his betting. Man I know a bunch of people who did the same thing. They kept chasing it until they lost their business, their homes and their families. Basically everything. A sports obsession can be a pretty bad thing because you think you know and you can bet your way out of trouble. It never happens that way. You always bet yourself into real trouble. But you almost never see a show that has these real life problems.

Andre worked for his dad in his car dealership and his old man keeps putting him down and he substitutes eating for happiness. So much so that his diabetes gets out of control. He finally goes to work for a rival dealership after his Dad puts the smarmy rival guy in charge of his dealership. He does really well and his Dad relents and brings him back. Ok not so believable but still interesting.

Finally the Scott dude from "Enterprise" plays a Peter Pan type actor guy who abandoned his much younger girlfriend to screw around on a movie set for a month. She dumps him and there is a great scene in the Starbucks like joint that she works. She takes his order and writes "Dick" on his cup. So as he tries to explain himself, the other worker who makes the coffee is shouting "Dick, there is a black coffee for Dick... Dick.. Hey Dick your coffee is here." Pretty cute.

They tie everything up a little too neatly and there are basically happy endings to all of the story lines but I guess that is Ray Romano's sitcom chops showing through. But I have to say a recognized a lot of what these dudes were going through and I just keep asking myself the same question.

When did I become an old guy!

I scream, you scream, we all vote for ice cream!

Ice cream is running away with the vote for you favorite vice. I guess a lot of you are giving it up for Lent.

I gave up a lot of stuff recently. We had to change our diet drastically for health reasons. So no bread, no pasta, no ice cream, no cake, no carbs of any kind. We have both lost about 15 pounds already.

I have been making a lot of creative dishes that taste great but just take a lot more time. Like yesterday's meal. I made veal parm with using breadcrumbs and a vegetable medley of zucchini, eggplant, mushroom and asparagus that I grilled first than baked in red sauce for a while and topped off with some pecorino romano cheese. It was quite tasty.

But no ice cream.

Active wear is here!

We just took in a new company which makes some great stylish plus sized active wear. My wife hates wearing my old stuff or generic Nike stuff that is really made for men. She loved this new company that makes these great work out clothes that you can still wear while running errands instead of sweats. She even wore them on the plane!

So if you are looking to get some great activewear you should give these guys a shot!

Hey we are back in business!

We played hooky the last two days because of the snow. It is the only time we get to close. You see our customers are used to us being open seven days a week. And we get a lot of out of towners who plan their trips around when they can get to the store. Not that they specifically come to go to us but they set aside time to come and shop. And that time is often not a convenient time. It might be Tuesday morning from 11am to 1pm. So you have to open and ready to sell. You never want to disappoint anyone.

Lisa is modeling a new dress that just came in that is doing very well. It is from one of our plus vendors but we have a new policy of not naming who makes the dress. You see sometimes people go to the manufacturer to buy it instead of us. No fair. We take the time to photo it and put it on the website so I hope that we get the sale.

Anyway this faux wrap fits superbly and is a great dress to wear to a wedding or just to a speical event while still being perfectly fine to wear to work. A winner all the way around.

So long Eddie Munster and Seventies Douchebag!

So I have been watching American Idol but I didn’t blog about the top 24. There are just too many of them to go through each one. Especially since some of them have no shot and are just cannon fodder.

Like the Korean kid who gave just about the worst performance I have ever seen on the Idol. He sang a Billie Holiday standard “God save the Child.” It was horrendous. I mean Hop Sing did better when he sang Home on the Range in that very special Bonanza episode. It was the kind of performance that happens at the Karaoke bars on 31st Street in Little Korea in the city. And after that performance they take the guy out on the street and beat the crap out of him.

Anyway they dumped four losers out of the competition. The girls were particularly bad. I mean they dropped Janel and Cynthia but there were about five other chicks that were just as bad. Nothing memorable about either except that Cynthia looked like she wanted to take out her blade and stick Simon right in his protruding nipples. Hey I told you it was weird.

Anyway for the dudes they dumped Seventies guy and little Eddie Munster. Both of them were pretty horrible but Seventies guy Tyler was just a freaking joke. They sort of faked us out because they showed him at dress rehearsal in his bathrobe and when they do this kind of pimping usually the guy is safe. But not this time. Little Eddie Munster was freaking me out. He is Mexican and called on all of his comprades to vote for him but I guess it didn’t work out. And I don’t know why. I mean my maid has a fuckin’ I-phone which is ten times better than the shitty phone I can afford. So I guess it was just that Eddie Munster kid sucked. Which he did.

One note. A little of the big guy Michael Lynch goes a long way. He is way too cocky. Answering back and joking with the judges. The same thing happened with Chris Sligh in an earlier season. You remember him, the chubby white kid with the curly fro. He got too cocky and talked back too much and he was gone before you knew it. So it is not good to be too cocky.

I remember when I was working for this accounting firm and we had to go in for a salary review. One of the guys went in and came out shaking his head. I asked what was wrong.
He said “I can’t believe it; they told me I was too cocky.” I said “Well what did you say?” He goes “I told I wasn’t cocky, I was pee-pee.” Needless to say he didn’t get to stay on American Idol.

Just Sayn’

Dear Mrs. Steve Philips

Dear Mrs. Steve Philips

I am sorry that I have not written to you lately as I have been very busy with my new lover. Peter is the greatest and so much better than that Scievey Stevie that you are stuck with. Don’t tell me the bullshit that you are getting a divorce. I know you still have your hooks in him you frigid bitch. He should just go out and stick it in the snow. He would have just as much fun.

You have not idea how great my life is with Petey. He is a real man not a sleaze like Steve. He doesn’t make me only have sex with him in my Acura in the parking lot like Steve used to do. We live together. That’s right I can stay in his house. I mean I have to change his colostomy bag every two hours and the rubber sheets every day but that is little enough to do for love. Petey just loves to look at me. He always tells me that he when he looks at me he wished he had the eyes of Tony Conigliaro. Isn’t that sweet! Steve never said anything like that. He only told me to turn around and face the window put that Mr. Met head on. What a freak!

Anyhoo, I hear that Steve is going on the radio with that pompous fuck Mike Francesa on WFAN. He better watch what he says I want to tell you. If he is nasty you should know I can be nasty right back. I know a lot of stuff. Dirty stuff. Filthy stuff. He better not fuck with me. You will be sorry!

You better use that micro-chip you inserted in his head to control him or you will be sorry. Oh and I loved the outfits you dressed the kids in on Monday for the snow. They looked so cute when they went into school.

Just sayn’

Toodles,
Your Pal,
Brooke

Today's Gratuitous Bathtub photo:Snow blogging!

Hey I am snowed in today. We even closed the store. So I have nothing to do but snow blog. Of course I am working on a wireless feed that I am stealing so my signal fades in and out. We have to see how that will work out.

And I am waiting for the Steve Philips interview on the Yes network with that pompous blowhard Mike Francesa. Stay tuned.

The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is I, Inspector Lestrade who is forced to call upon your expertise again. I would once again inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the ongoing disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems he has still not contacted any of his former acquaintances and they have continued to press for some news of his activities.

As I might have previously informed you I have concentrated most of my inquires to the salon maintained by Lady Chatterley in which Lord Douchebag was a frequent and valued participant if only by post as no one has met him in the flesh as it were. It seems that many of the other members of this strange amalgam of toady’s and sycophants are also most upset by the absence of the Douchebag’s and they continually protest and demand that he be found even though they have absolutely no information of any kind about him.

One curious fact has emerged however. That is that there are just as many who despise and abhor the Douchebag as those who admire and would emulate him. Several have opined that he has perished or gone wherever it is that Douchebags go when they are not to be found. But no evidence has arisen one way or another as to the existence of the elusive Lord Douchebag. Period. So to speak.

In fact other controversies and disputes have roiled this talk shop that is so laughingly called a salon and there have been many recriminations and accusations bandied about by all and sundry. It appears that the Lady herself has stooped to some base calumery and invidious nastiness that has soured many on participation in her group of chattering magpies. So it is possible that many leads will dry up as it were. It seems that the salon is really in need of the social lubrication that was provided by Lord Douchebag. But that is not to be. So far.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you been contacted to consult in this case? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to talk with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you are recovering from the unfortunate incident with the Speckled Band. I know Miss Stoner was quite an attractive young woman and I hope she did not do permanent damage to your snake. As it were. She seemed a charming young woman as was her late sister and I too would have presumed she would have indeed charmed said snake under different circumstances. I am sure that Dr. Watson’s vast experience in Afghanistan will enable him to recommend the proper nostrums and crèmes that would help in this most unfortunate episode. I hope you will fully recover and that I will hear from you soon.

You obedient servant.

Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 24, 1896

Today's gratuitous bath tub scene says "OH NO GODZILLA'S COMING!"

Today's gratuitous bathtub scene is from our Raymond Burr achives. As you know, Raymond Burr harbored a secret for many years in Hollywood.

Whenever he posted on the Internet, he used a Sockpuppet!

You can get anything you want at Malice's Restaurant

This song is called Malice's Restaurant, and it's about Malice, and the
restaurant, but Malice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Malice'sRestaurant.

You can get anything you want at Malice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Malice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Malice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Malice at the
restaurant, but Malice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the ivory-tower, with nobody because she couldn’t ever have a dog. And livin' in the ivory tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.

Hell needs a new PA Announcer.

Lucifer: This is getting ridiculous. How is it we can’t find anybody to be the new PA announcer. I mean how hard can it be? I can’t keep waiting for Seacrest. I mean he sold me his soul and everything but he has another five years left. Shit. Who has slid down the chute lately Forcas?
Forcas: Well my Dread Lord it seems we have a general. General Alexander Haig has just show up in the chute.
Lucifer: Oh cool. Another asshole for the Nixon wing. Get him in here.
Forcas: Right away my dread Lord.General Alexander Haig: Where am I? What’s happening? I am in charge here. Everybody stay calm.
Lucifer: No you idiot. You are not in charge. You are in hell. I am in charge here. But you lucked out. The position of PA Announcer is open and I am going to let you audition. I mean you where Nixon’s chief of staff so you have some experience after all.
General Alexander Haig: Hell? What the Hell am I doing in Hell? I should be in heaven. I lead a good life. I did everything I was supposed to do. How could I end up here?

Forcas: Oh shit, this isn’t going to go good.

Lucifer: WHAT ARE YOU…A FUCKIN” IDIOT! THIS IS HELL DOUCHEBAG NOT MEET THE FUCKING PRESS!

Forcas: Perhaps I should have the assistant demons take him to the Nixon wing my Lord?
General Alexander Haig: The Nixon Wing? Oh shit. You mean I have to be in hell because I worked for Tricky Dick. That’s not right. Don’t you know who I was? I was Deep Throat. I was the one who gave Jaworski all the dirt. And that greasy hebe Bernstein. How could I end up in hell because of that? I did the right thing. Now I have to spend the rest of eternity listening to Nixon and Halderman and Erlichman?
Lucifer: You got it all wrong moron. Nixon isn’t in hell. He’s a freakin’ saint. He is sitting at the right hand of the big guy playing cards with Patton and Rommel and Nathan Bedford Forrest. He likes to hang with the military guys. That’s why you got your job. And you betrayed him. That’s why you are here.
General Alexander Haig: But that can’t be. How could Nixon be a saint and I be in hell.
Lucifer: It’s just the way it is douche bag. You have to go to the Nixon wing with all the traitors and scumbags like Jaworski and Archibald Cox and Earl Severiad and that prick Tim Russert and the twat that owned the Washington Post. Take him away boys.(two burly demons grab him and pull him away kicking and screaming)
Forcas: What should we do with him my Lord?

Lucifer: Throw him in the pit with Judas, Benedict Arnold and Jack Parr. Let’s see who turns on who first. I love the old crabs in the bucket routine. It never gets old.
Forcas: Perfect Sire.

Lucifer: Sometimes it’s good to be so bad. Hee.

You always get in trouble when you fall in love with Aunt Peg.

You know in every movie I ever say in the seventies, you always got in trouble if you fell in love with Aunt Peg. She would turn on you every time.

I mean she could never be true. She always ended up banging your brother or your father or her brother or her father or whatever. She was just worthless.

And she never shut up. Yak, yak, yak just a bunch of sanctimonious bullshit while she was in the middle of a gang bang. Seriously! Enough of that.

You are really better off if you just didn't pay attention to her at all.

Just sayn' dude!

Don't give that man a cigar!

I hate the fact that I don't get to enjoy a stogie now and again like I used to back in day. You see the wife has given up smoking for the past year or so and I can't have cigar because that gives her the urge and I don't want that to happen. I never was a cigarette guy but I always did enjoy a good stogie. We used to smoke them when we were out bouncing around in the eighties. I mean we were deep into the hobby. We had cigar cases and cutters and a humidor. For a while I stored some stuff at Nat Sherman's where they would hold our stuff. We loved going to the Cigar Aficionado events and the occasional cigar cruise around Manhattan.

We used to adjourn to the backyard on a soft summer night with a bottle of wine and a cigar. But now if we sit in the back she gets the urge to smoke and that is too cruel. So we stayed inside all last summer. I hope this year will be better.

But now I don't get to smoke many stogies.

Only when I play golf.

Today's gratuitous bathtub photo says there is a reason why some kids don't have any heros!

Just sayn'

I am Spartacus!

So I was away at the Curve Lingerie show all day. It was brutal.

The wife decided she might want to take in a new bra and panty line to complement Prima Donna. So we saw this new Lingerie Line and the salesman was working really hard to get us to buy. He had his lingerie models put on about fifty different bra and panty sets to model for us. They had to walk in them and bend over in them and show them in every possible angle. And also a whole shitpot of fancy frilly lace bras. One set of fancy lingerie after another. All day long.

And the wife wanted me to pay attention to every one so I could express an informed opinion on them.

Now I know how Spartacus felt when he was a slave in the salt mines.

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble associate, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must beg to ask the question if you have any further information or speculation about the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and his case continues to cause consternation in the most unlikely places.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was formerly a valued contributor. Although some claimed to revel in his good fellowship and wit, others were not enamored of his nonsensical mutterings and obscure meanderings in print. It seems that besides his admirers there were many who did not suffer this foolishness gladly. It seems that he had recently won a contest as to who was the most despised barrister who appeared before the bar. Quite revealing in fact as his competitors were among the most reviled members of that profession. As I have noted previously your brother Mycroft was among those who did not care for him and his ways. In fact I believe he once hurled a perfume bottle at him at the club. Mayhap you might discuss this with him the next time you might meet?

It seems that several of those who claim him as a friend have attempted to contact him and he has not responded in any way. In fact strangely enough an advertisement was recently to be found in the agony column of Wood Wind Weekly which seems quite a recondite locale but I must follow up any leads that present themselves no matter how obscure. I am not aware if there have been any replies as they have not been posted and will not be for the foreseeable future. Still I will monitor the situation and report to you if it changes.

It remains a mystery to me that so many claim such a close acquaintanceship with Lord Douchebag yet no one can actually say they have spoken to him or communicated with him in any way other than reading his often inscrutable scribbles. It seems that the degree of their friendship has been greatly overstated.

I did manage to acquire a rare photo of the Lord and Lady Douchebag at her Majesty’s Masquerade cotillion where they were attired in the garb of his most famous ancestor, the original Lord Douchebag. Perhaps you might use this photo if you decide to aide us in our enquires.

Once I again I most humbly beg to inquire if you have you turned you hand to this most distressing puzzle? If not to find the missing Douchebag, then at least to explain the degree of comradeship claimed on such a bizarre and tenuous relationship. If you have any thoughts, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you have recovered from that unfortunate incident with Lord Baskerville out on the moor. I had thought that he owned that most famous and ferocious hound and had no idea that he actually raised rare clumber spaniels. They do not seem to be the breed that would terrorize a town but I venture to state that you never can tell what some people will be afraid of.

Thank you for your forbearance and your kind consideration of my requests.

Your obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

February 22, 1896

Hey we all have to give up something for Lent?

Capt. Schmoe told me he is giving up Farah for Lent. So he just forwarded to me his large collection of Farrah Fawcett memorabilia. I have to hold it until after Easter.

But I am kinda suspicious. He makes no mention of his Lynda Carter collection. Hmmmmm!

Let's go to the show!

I am sorry that the posting is lite but we have the shows this week. Moda, Curve, Coterie and the Accessories shows are all at the Javits center. We have been dealing with that as well as people who are coming to the store to sell us their lines. So we have been way busy.

But don't worry, while we are away......Inspector Lestrade is still on the case.

Today's Gratuitous Bathtub Photo askes "Who is on the line?"

Today's gratuitous bathtub photo asks the simple question do you know these girls.

Or should I say women?

One of them never uses the phone especially in the bath. And never, I mean never talk about wires! So to speak.

The other one is the opposite of the back of the book.

Obscure enough for you Jude?

What's your favorite?

Hey it's Lent and it is time to give up one of our favorite vices to atone for all the stuff we did during the year. So I have a short list of some of my favorite vices and I want you to vote for your favorite. They are

Wine
Beer
Cigars
Ice Cream
Gambling

Hey I am a simple guy with simple vices. Nothing too outre in the bunch. So let me know what is your favortie vice of the short list.

Suddenly there can be only one winner!

Well our poll of who is the sleaziest lawyer of them all and it was a two dog race as it were. The results:

Bissage that wonderful guy 29

Lynn Stewart the terrorists friend 23

Roy Cohn the commie hater 2

Arnie from LA Law 0

Karl from Desperate Housewives 0

I think this is the first poll where two entries did not get any votes. It just goes to show you that Bissage is less popular than terrorists.

Who am I to argue with the American Public.

Next up, whats your favorite vice? Keep it clean you perverts.

I still say Joe Namath and his daughter should have won our poll!

I still say that Joe Namath and his daughter should have won our poll as who were the freakiest father/daughter couples in history.

I mean look at this picture of them on the Andy Williams Christmas at the Super Bowl special.

It freaks me out man.

Todays Gratuitous Bathtub photo: Is there a giraffe in your bathtub or are you just happy to see me?

It's a giraffe.

Nobody is happy to see you.

Just sayn'

The show went great!

The What Not to Wear episode with Gina went great. To start off, the cameraman made sure to get my giant logo in the opening shot. I guess all those canoli's and prosciutto sandwiches did the trick.

Then she tried on two pairs of our Svoboda jeans, one of which was the Annie she wore in the final reveal. Gina also rocked out in our Catherine Geometric squares dress that fit her very petite frame perfectly.

She also bought some jewelry and the clutch she had in the final reveal.

A bunch of people came in today because of the episode and we have been very busy all morning.

Thank you Stacy and Clinton. You guys are the greatest.

The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble associate, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and his case has baffled the Yard.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In it was there that I had heard that Lord Douchebag was in engaged in a legal practice as a solicitor or perhaps a barrister before her Majesty’s Court and I hastened to investigate.

I contacted the clerk of the court to determine if he had any dealings with Lord Douchebag. Did he know if he was in fact a solicitor or a barrister or engaged in the pursuit of any sort of a legal career? It is quite frustrating that so many claim a close kinship with Lord Douchebag yet no one has any facts about him. The clerk was unable to help as he said that although most every lawyer he comes in contact has all the attributes and habits of a Douchebag, he could not identify anyone as the actual Lord Douchebag. It seems that Douchebags are endemic in the legal realm.

Another odd fact did present itself. It seems that your brother, the estimable Mycroft Holmes had in fact engaged in some vituperous correspondence with Lord Douchebag over the last few months. You brother assures me that these missives were all sent in jest and that Lord Douchebag simply misunderstood them and attacked him for no good reason. He said that Lord Douchebag had termed him a “Friend of Oscar” which seemed to upset him. He informed me that Oscar is in fact the name of the young Argentine boy who has taken in to be his ward. I told him that I did not see that there was anything wrong with that.

I of course believe your brother about this dispute as he is a valued member of the government as well as a personal friend. However I could not continue the interview as I found the odors of perfume upon which he experiments to be somewhat toxic and had to leave before I could finish my questioning. Perhaps you might inquire of him what truly is the case and report back to me.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn you hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you landlady Mrs. Hudson will return soon from her vacation at Bath. She seems to have been gone for quite some time and I would hope she would return if only to deal with that foul odor that has arisen in the crawl space beneath your lodgings.

Thank you for your forbearance and your kind consideration of my requests.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 20, 1896

Today's gratuitous bath tub scene tells "Be carefull where you buy your bath oil beads"

Don't buy them at Trader Joe's. Or the dollar store. Invest in the expensive bubble bath.

You will be glad you did.

Hey let's listen to some music

Let's listen to some tunes! The new American Idol guys seem pretty cool. Especially that Latin gang-banger guy! He looks like he can play really well and has a lot of talent.

I just hope he doesn't bring around his homey....topo giggio!

Pitchers and Catchers Report Today!

But the wife made me watch ice skating last night. Like all women she just loves ice skating and ice dancing and all that stuff. And she forces me to watch it when it is on the Olympics.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway I figured I would post a photo of Mike Piazza just to cheer ricpic up. Spring training is the only time Met fans can have any fun.

Catch Lee Lee's Valise On What Not to Wear tonight at 9pm

Hey be sure to catch Lee Lee's Valise on TLC's What Not to Wear at 9pm tonight. Repeated at 11pm and at 2pm on Saturday.

Gina Jensen a professor from St. Louis is the subject and she tries on our Catherine dress that you see in the photo. She was extremely short waisted and only about 4 feet ten inches tall so she was a tough fit. The clutch she is carrying in the center reveal photo is one of ours though.

So check it out and let me know what you think!

The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and his case has become even more mysterious than it had been at first glance.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. With that in mind I thought to enquire as to the exact relationship that pertained between Lord Douchebag and the Lady’s recently acquired spouse.

Unfortunately my enquires have come to naught. It seems that Lady Chatterley’s erstwhile lover claims no jealousy and in fact numbers Lord Douchebag among his friends and fellow travelers and wishes for him only the best. But what is puzzling is the shallowness of their regard.

It seems that although they were so often in correspondence, neither had ever met Lord Douchebag in person and in fact did not even know where he lived or if in fact he lived at all. They claim that they have no way to contact his Lordship or any other clue as to his whereabouts. For all they know he could simply be a completely fictional character.

This opened another avenue of investigation that allowed Scotland Yard to search far and wide to see if the supposed Lord Douchebag was in fact a real person. While we did not find any evidence of his existence we did find a college professor with an unhealthy interest in young pre-nubile girls and rabbits. And a strange fellow made entirely of tin who claimed to be heartless. After meeting several individuals who were completely heartless at the said salon I could only venture to demur.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn you hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that Doctor Watson has recovered from his recent attack of piles. My old grandma often prescribed oil of cloves and a clean life to avoid such a calamity. But to each his own as it were.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 18, 1896

Would you like to see where the clam bit me?

"Well my dear that is most certainly a beautiful pair."
"Yes I love these seashells."
"What, oh yes those too. I must ask you a question though?"
"Certainly James. What is it?"
"When I just embraced you I felt something hard concealed in your bikini. What was that?"
"Oh that is my clam knife. I keep it concealed. Near my clam."
"Ah a knife. Well that works for me. I just wouldn't want to be stabbed with something else in an inopportune moment. I hate when that happens."
"Oh James no need to worry. I have nothing to hide."
"Splendid my dear, splendid. Now let's take a closer look...at those clams shells."

The Front Runner!

It is clear that the front runner right now in American Idol is the ex-football player and personal trainer Michael Lynche. They have featured him prominently all over the place and he was the first guy they put into the final 24.

But the front runner is the worst place to be. That is the Chris Daughtry/Bo Bice spot that lets them build you up week after week until in a surprise twist an underdog that nobody thought of pulls out the win. Exactly what happened last year with Adam Lambert. So maybe he should lay low is all I have to say.

There is a rumor that he was tossed because his dad spilled the beans to a newspaper and he had signed a confidentiality contract. I guess we need a law professor to explain how that there works. Hee.

Egads Moneypenny what have you done?

"Egads Moneypenny what have you done?"
"Whatever do you mean Commander Bond?"
"You look so different. What could possibly brought about this change?"
"Oh that. I am not wearing any make up. Perhaps that is the difference. You are seeing the real me!"
"Yes that puts a whole new face on it as it were. I must say I much prefer the old Moneypenny. Perhaps she will return."
"Perhaps she will. In the meantime I must inform you...that I indeed have a gun."
"Yes. Quite. A woman with a little something extra. Respect must be paid. I hope you can still be friends."
"Why of course James. Why ever did you think elsewise."
"That is a relief. Well off to Jamaica. I need some new seashells."

Gratuitous Bathtub Photo; Motorcycles and bathtubs edition

In my continuing effort to appease Michael H's warrior spirit, here is as close as I can get to a motorcycle in a bathtub.

It's the bathtub side car for those of you who like to wash on the way to work. It could be a big time saver on the next long road trip. Just sayn'

The Dubious Case of the Disapperaing Douchebag

My dear Holmes.

It is I, Inspector Lestrade who thought to call upon you once again to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he is still missing and none of his “so-called” friends have heard from him in quite some time.

I though I had a promising lead when I tried to use your methods of deductive reasoning. I decided to check with the local manufacturers and the water board to determine who has ordered the largest quantities of vinegar and water lo these past few months. After all if there are copious amounts of vinegar and water can we not assume that a Douchebag would not be involved?

As it turns out is seems that the infamous Lady Chatterley had purchased thirty barrels of vinegar in the last quarter and that seemed most unusual. I went over to her home to ask her about this when she had her salon. You know her daily meeting of friends and acquaintances who vied with each other to win her regard. I was unable to speak with her as she was occupied with a fey young gentleman who was desirous of describing his recent bowel movements in intricate detail.

None the less I did manage to discuss some of this with a member of her household, a rather large woman who had a quite ungainly shape and the beginnings of whiskers. She seemed be called Tuppence which seemed quite a lark for all that referred to her is said manner. In any event she assured me that there was a reasonable explanation in that Lady Chatterley bathed in the vinegar which allowed her to maintain her porcelain complexion and astringent personality.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you been contacted to consult in this case? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that your brother Mycroft has recovered from that unfortunate incident with the young street lascar and the jar of whale oil. I believe that we have managed to quiet that down and no more will be heard of that at the Royal Art Students league.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 17, 1896

Pitchers and Catchers Tomorrow!!!!

Pitchers and catchers tomorrow as the WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES prepare to defend their world series title.

Meanwhile Ted Williams head is still stuck to a can of Tuna fish. Just sayn'

Oh yeah, one more thing:

BOSTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Gratuitous Bathtub Photo: Let's shut up Michael H edition

Hey Michael H was complaining about our recent gratuitous bathtub photos so here I will reprise one of his favorites.

It has two of his favorite things. A hot chick and a gun.

Now if I can only find one with a motorcyle he will be satisified.

Half a face girl gets a free ride!

So they had the eliminations on American Idol last night. They went through the bullshit where they put them in three different rooms and then tell the whole room if they are in or out. Which is kind of silly if you are in room three and you hear the other two rooms break out in screams and stuff. You have to figure your ass is out of there.

Plus what if you are in a room with a bunch of shitty singers. You have to figure you time is up. But if you are in the room with the ones that they are pimping you should be good to go.

Now thank God that they got rid of the older rocker chick named Mary who looked like Squigy from Laverne and Shirley. I mean she was a full out bitch who totally screwed up group week with her shenanigans. She reminded me of the biker nurse from a couple of seasons ago who couldn't sing but they put her for demographics or some shit. I guess the meth addict demo is really big or something.

Now the premise is that they took the other two roomfuls of pasty's and walked them down into the hall one at a time to decide their fate. It is a long and time consuming walk that is just a time waster. But I guess they wanted to save money during the Winter Olympics and shit.

The first guy is this big burly personal trainer called "Big Mike." He seems pretty talented and can even play the guitar. He gets the news and runs to give a bear hug to all the judges. Ellen says "Please don't pick me up." Now I bet she says that to all the guys. Not that there's anything wrong with that. He picks her up anyway and then drops her but unfortunately not on her head. He picks up Karla which usually only takes a dirty martini and a room key at the Beverly Wilshire. One in the books.

Now there is this skinny white dude with long hair who had been in an auto accident who Karla made strip at his audition. She is acting all hot and bothered with this guy and you have to wonder what she is thinking. Didn't she learn anything about this after what Paula went through with the dude who had a web site and video and shit about how he banged her. I mean seriously, is sexual harassment a good thing? I mean sure if you are a Democratic President you can skate but the position of American Idol Judge is way more prestigious don't ya think?

They take this skinny little wimpy high school kid who is this years David Archuletta for the tweener girls who lust after that sort of thing. Oh yeah and for Seacrest. He doesn't have a chance.

They take a couple of nondescript blonds one of whom made it on looks alone like that Meghan hippie chick from last year. They have to have the quota of young hot blonds and they were just filling a slot like a Jewish accountant running for comptroller in 1956 in NYC.

Then there was the biggest ripoff. They put through the half a face girl. I mean they did the whole tragic video thing and that was just the one of her singing "More than a Feeling." I mean she was horrendous. You know when someone gets bad news and their face just collapses. Well with this chick, just think Haiti.

More picks tonight. They need twenty four guys and twenty four girls. It should be interesting.

Or at least more interesting than the fucking luge which is just a guy riding a garbage can lid down a mountain at 90 miles an hour.

(PS that is a picture of the final 24, Hee)

Now this is a strange one!

Someone I know told me a strange story. She owns a business on Court St and once helped out this trouble young hipster dofous woman. Now every time she runs into her she makes a big thing out of it.

Now this broad (the hipster) is a Buddhist and goes on and on about the positive energy and beautiful soul of my friend. So she wanted her to go meet another member of her temple. A celebrity who needed to learn from her.

Courtney Love.

I shit you not. She said she was perfectly normal and all cleaned up and very business like. Just goes to show you that you can't always believe what you see on TMZ. Just sayn'

The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.
It is I, Inspector Lestrade who thought to call upon you again to inquire if you have been contacted in the case of the recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems he has still not contacted any of his former acquaintances and they have searched high and low for him with no result.

One had taken this photograph of a tenement in White Chapel where he was know to frequent prostitutes who he would dress up in costumes, force to smoke cigarettes and dance with him while he called them mommy. But it was a false alarm as this was not the proper Douchebag.

As I might have intimated to you before, his gardener is particularly exercised about this matter. Which normally would not be an issue but it seems that he has in fact married Lady Chatterley and has developed some influence at Court. The word has come down that I must continue with my inquires.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you been contacted to consult in this case? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to talk with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you are recovering from the unfortunate incident with the woman from the Red Headed league. I know she did not mean to beat you so badly. I hope you have recovered and will hear from you soon.

You obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

February 15, 1896