Friday, February 5, 2010

Hell Needs a New PA Announcer


Lucifer: This is getting ridiculous. How is it we can’t find anybody to be the new PA announcer. Maybe we should broaden the search a little. Who has slid down the shute lately Forcas?
Forcas: Well the famous reclusive author JD Salinger has just arrived here in hell. He seems quite bewildered. Would you like to give him a try-out Sire?
Lucifer: Why not. He has to be better than that little mo Cheever. That guy was so fucking boring even I wanted to kill myself. And I like torture. Set him up.
Forcas: Right away my dread Lord.
JD Salinger: Where am I? What’s happening? Did I get a bad batch of pee to drink again?
Lucifer: No you idiot. You are in hell. But you lucked out. The position of PA Announcer is open and I am going to let you audition.
JD Salinger: Hell. I don’t believe in Hell. I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard.
Forcas: Oh shit, this isn’t going to go good.
Lucifer: WHAT ARE YOU…A FUCKIN” IDIOT! THIS IS HELL DOUCHEBAG NOT NEW HAMPSHIRE!
JD Salinger: Yeah well you are fake. A phony. A liar. A moron. All morons hate it when you call them a moron.
Lucifer: Enough of this shit. Boys take this asshole away. Put him in the new greeter program. (two burly demons grab the muttering author and drag him away)
Forcas: What is the new program my Lord. You did not inform me.
Lucifer: Oh it’s great. I tested out at Walmart which is one of the antechambers to Hell as you know. Salinger will be opening the car door for all the people coming here who die in car crashes. And when the find out he was the dick who wrote that stupid book they had to write a book report on in high school they can slam his fingers in the car door.
Forcas: Perfect Sire.
Lucifer: Sometimes it’s good to be so bad. Hee.

1 comment:

Hoosier Daddy said...

I tested out at Walmart which is one of the antechambers to Hell as you know.

I almost choked on my own saliva. That is damn near poetic.