If you like your CVS you can keep your CVS!

Obamacare is the gift that keeps on giving. I go to the CVS to pick up our pills and they tell me that they do not take our insurance anymore. I have Oxford which is United Health Care which is one of the biggest companies. So how is it that they don't take it. They took it in Florida last month for crying out loud. They told me I had to go to Rite-Aid or Walgreens which are blocks away.

I understand that they are not paying the monies due or something. These insurance companies are going out of business left and right. I got dropped from my prior company because they do not do small business plans with a husband and wife group. So we had to get personal coverages which I found out that they are dropping this year so I have to find another company. Unless something changes.

Eye don't know what I did to deserve this!

So now I have a big sty in my eye. It looks like I got punched in the face.

I am going to a urgent care doctor as my regular doctor had misdiagnosed my heart failure as an allergy and I haven't decided if I am going to sue him or just put out a contract. So I have to get this taken care of immediately.

Plus we just found out that our granddaughter in Florida had her insurance cancelled because of Obamacare.

Doctors suck, not as bad as lawyers or journalists but they still suck.

Sorry Pogo but it's true.

Now it is fitting that Dr. Kildare won our poll because I think he is the epitome of what I call the "Yuppie doctor." We were forced to go to one in the neighborhood because you need a general practitioner to prescribe antibiotics and stuff when you have a cold and what not. There is this guy in the neighborhood that everyone goes to because he is a scrip writing machine. Now personally I never went to the doctor before I was married. I mean I did when I was in grammar school but not since then. When we were first dating my wife insisted that we both get check ups and full physicals. You see her mother was sure I was going to croak. You know a big fat pasty faced Irishman with a drink in his hand. Whenever my wife would call her mom late at night, her mom would say "Is he dead?" Now that's not nice.

Anyway it was pretty funny. The first time we went I was perfectly fine and she had a laundry list of stuff that we had to work on. You see I don't really believe in doctors. I think you should just have a glass of wine and go to sleep and you will feel better in the morning. But the wife insists on going to get antibiotics and stuff when she is sick. I just take cod liver oil and a good dump and I am usually good to go the next day. So we end up going to this yuppie guy.

Now he took over the old space of a guy that had been in the neighborhood ever since I was a kid. When we got in the waiting room there was about a million yuppie scum hipster dofus assholes in the waiting room. He saw us and then I found out why he was so popular. He wrote scrip like it was going out of style. Couldn't diagnose himself out of a paper bag but he could give you an Valium prescription toot sweet. So that worked. Anything more serious and we would go to a real doctor or the hospital emergency room you know?

So that was our situation until we get this letter in the mail. He has decided that he is going to become a "concierge" practice. He would no longer except run of the mill patients off the street. If you want his services you have to pay an annual fee if he is even going to see you. Like when the Giants charged you a seat license fee before you can even buy the fucking tickets. He wanted $2,500 a year right off the top if you were going to stay his patient. Then he said he would offer 24 hour a day service, house calls and bunch of other bullshit that sounded nice but there is no way he is actually gonna do it. Oh and he wasn't taking insurance. Otherwise he wanted you to find another doctor. What a pair of balls on this douchebag.

I think this guy is just getting his ducks in a row before Obamacare hits him. He figures if only 100 families agree to this bullshit he will have a nice little practice and he won't have to worry.

It will interesting to see what happens.

In the meantime I had already set up a hook with the old Italian doctor in the neighborhood. You in case the wife needs her antibiotics or has a cold or something. His receptionist is the mother of a guy I went to school with so I have an in and she can get to the head of the line.

Me, I am sticking with the cod liver oil.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Well the doctor poll is over and "Holy rectal thermometer Batman," the gay doctor won! Just goes to show how times have changed and how more tolerant and diverse we have become. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The results:

Dr. Kildare 28

Dr. Doom 11

Dr Joe Gannon 6

Dr. Ben Casey 3

Dr. Marcus Welby 2

I am kinda shocked that good old Marcus Welby ended up in last place. Here he is pictured before that famous gang bang he had in the stateroom on the Queen Mary with the Golden Girls and that guy who always played the creepy neighbor. Oh well what the hell.

Next up, how do you prefer you chicken?

Please Dr Welby

"Please Dr. Welby, I lost my insurnace when the government took over and I don't have any money. You have to take my Medicare."

"Not going to happen. I will just have to pull out your teeth until you come up with the money. Open wide and pay bitch!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Please Dr. Kildare

"Please Dr. Kildare what happened."

"I am afraid we pumped all of this out of your stomach Mr. Stewart. I think you might want to change your lifestyle. Maybe you should steal your daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool."

"Nah I don't think so. I will just be more careful in the future."

"Good idea. Hey do you know who left these handbags and glad rags by your bed?"

"Not a clue."

"Figured that. Oh well I will see if Nurse Nubile might want them."

Please Dr. Welby

"So Dr. Welby, what's the story with your partner?"

"Who Dr. Kiley? Better forget about him Cindy. It's like the song his cousin sings on Broadway. The impossible dream."

"Why do you say that?"

"Why he is engaged to this big nosed singer with a really bitchy personality. You don't want to get on her wrong size. She'll cut a bitch. Right Consuelo?"

"Stop looking at her ta-ta's Senor Welby or no chootcie chootcie for you hombre."

"Ok sorry you have to go. The last time this happened I had to buy her a Volkswagen beetle and pay for her green card. And that was only because I was squeezing some corpse tits. Health care is a very tough profession."

Please Dr Casey

"Why did we leave the hospital Dr. Casey?"

"Oh I couldn't treat you properly there my dear. And call me Ben."

"Well Ben what can you do where we going that you can't do in the hospital."

"A whole lot of stuff. A whole lot of stuff. Just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Ok I like a good ride."

"Me too. Hey did anyone tell you that you look like Barbara Eden."

"It's just the scarf. And my hair color. Oh and my perky breasts."

"I think I have to speed up."

Please Dr. Welby

"I think she's gone Marcus."

"What do you mean she's still warm."

"Yes but you will never revive her."

"Oh I don't care about that, I just want to cop a feel. I was married to the ice bitch Jane Wyatt for so long I get whatever I can whenever I can....want a taste?"

Please Dr. Gannon

"I am sorry Nurse but due to cutbacks we are going to have to let you go."
"But what will I do Dr Gannon. I have no skills other than nursing. And I like to write."
"Well then maybe you should do that. And you can still nurse."
"Really nurse what?"
"A grudge. That is really what you do best."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"There is no way this can be correct."

"I am afraid that is right. I know you might find it hard to believe but the paperwork doesn't lie."

"It's simply impossible. No way Jose. Or Pedro. Or whatever the fuck your name is. It is just not possible."

"I am telling you it is correct senor. You order a pastrami on rye with mayonnaise. It says it right here."

"Do I look like a rube to you. A yokel. DO I LOOK LIKE I COME FROM WISCONSIN!!!!!"

"No then you would have ordered it with cheese."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"Excuse me Miss Invisible Lady."

"Go away Pugsly. And stop staring at my hooters. Go buy yourself a Catwoman blow up doll like the rest of the freaks."

"But I want to ask you a question?"

"Victor, why are we stuck at this lousy autograph show? When I dumped Reed you promised me the life of a Princess. What happened? Why am I in the Rio Hotel like fucking Phil Helmuth and the other poker douches?"

"But Ms Invisible Girl....But Miss...."

"WHAT YOU LITTLE FREAK! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"I want to know why you have leather suspenders strapped to your cootch?"

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"Wait, wait a minute!"

"No get away from me you freak!"

"Wait I promise I heated up the thermometer."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"Yes I am afraid it is true Stephen. If you marry that loud mouth bitch of a singer your testicles will shrink to the size of M&M's."

"But you don't understand Marcus, I love her."

"Why can't you just let Consuelo give you a dirty Sanchez and forget about it. That's what I do."

"I can't help it. She is the one for me. You know me. I am a sucker for show tunes."

"Hey that gives me an idea about a very special episode."

"Oh not again Marcus. I don't want to stir them up again. Can't you just let them watch Dr. Kildare and leave us alone. I mean he's their kind of guy. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"I think it is too late."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it.

"But I don't understand Dr. Kildare, what do you mean I have strange disease that never makes me look sick but will kill me at the end of the episode."
"Yes I afraid it is true Sally. As Nurse Nubile has told us, the lab results confirm it. They call it Kay Lenz disease. But you need to stay strong."
"Oh Doctor you are so compassionate. Would you like to come into the closet and make out with me?"
"Please Nurse Nubile. I a doctor. I must remain a professional at all times. If I am in the closet I will be there by myself. After all it is 1967."

I am sorry Doctor but the lab results confirm it!

"You have an incurable pompadour."
"Maybe I can stop it Nurse Roberts. 30 cc's of Brylcream stat!"
"I am sorry that just won't cut it Dr. Casey. Witch Hazel, Brylcream even Dippity Doo will not help. I am afraid you are stuck with it. But then you are Italian so what do you expect?"
"I know....let's have sex."

So if you were really sick and you needed a Doctor who would you call

You know I get a lot of complaints that I never cover politics or current affairs here at Trooper York, because as you know our focus is on stupid shit. So I feel I should tackle the important issues of the day and none is more important than health care.

So for our latest poll I ask the very important question: "So if you were really sick and you needed a Doctor who would you pick?"

You Health Care Options

Dr. Marcus Welby
Dr. Ben Casey
Dr. Kildare
Dr. Joe Gannon
Dr. Doom.

Now it is a foregone conclusion that Jason (the commenter) will want to play doctor with Dr. Kildare but I expect the rest of you not to choose based on such a pretext. So to speak.

Bend over and cough.