The Return of the Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now it seems that new developments lead me to believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were.

The Yard has ceased its inquiries into the doings of this disreputable salon as contact has soiled the reputations and the very psyche of any agents we have sent to observe the untoward activities of these demented sybarites. However it has been communicated to us that the name of Lord Douchebag has been mentioned several times in the last few days. In fact the foul leader of this coven has written to all of her disciples asking that Lord Douchebag be remembered and celebrated. This seems passing strange as he seems to have been forgotten by all and sundry these many months. Why bring him up now? Perhaps there is some fresh devilment in store as the Devil casts out for the help of her lesser demons. It is passing strange and I request you thoughts as to why it has happened.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I would note that he had a terrible falling out with Lady Chatterley or more accurately with her lover the underemployed gardener. I understand he has been out of communication with most of his friends and has not appeared at the club for quite some time. I hope all is well with him.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899

The Tale of the Latin in his cups with Red Sox

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened what has become many years ago. However today I must enquire about an offshoot of that regrettable incident. 

You will of course recall the matter of Lady Chatterley and her paramour the Gardener who had set up a salon which the last locale the Lord Douchebag had be seen by reliable witnesses. The yard had sent young Inspector Gregson to reconnoiter and perhaps to insert himself into their comity. As you will recall it seems that young Gregson had inserted himself into the wrong place as he resigned from the yard and is living in bachelor quarters with a swarthy sepoy lieutenant and two rather ugly spaniels. Much the same situation as you and Dr Watson. But we need not dwell on that.

 

In any event a strange report has surfaced about the salon of Lady Chatterley. It seems she has expelled all of the toady’s and lickspittles who comprised her close companions and acquaintances. They had curried favor and praised her most eccentric views for many a years in an attitude of obeisance and featly worthy of a Hindu worshiping a dairy cow. It seems that this was not enough and Lady Chatterley has expelled them all from her salon and out into the night. They were devastated and confused and can be found wandering in the streets of Whitechapel even as we speak.

 

I would like you opinion if I should make enquiry  as to why this occurred. Was there some precipitating event or has her ladyship reached her dotage and is beyond the keen of normal folk. From your last missive I gather you feel she is dangerous and might have something to do with the strange disappearance of Lord Douchebag. You will remember that you thought we should look into her gardener cum lover who was often seen digging in the garden in the dark of night. There is something not quite right about him.

 

I do have one lead to follow up. It seems that some of the dispersed band

of acolytes have found succor in the inn of a dubious character from the Americas. He is a swarthy Latin type know for late night muisical musings intoxicated while wearing a cap and red sox. The tenor of their meetings have been rum soaked yet jovial and the smoke filled room has been described as a more convivial and healthy abode. I would beseech you to visit and give me your evaluation using the scientific method of deduction that has proven so helpful these past few years.

My best to Doctor Watson who I know is recovering from an attack of the piles that torment him so. I know he had recently spent a week in the country with your brother Mycroft and his attacks always seem to come

as soon as he returns. Perhaps there is some connection.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899

 

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. It appears that some not so wonderful things have commenced at this soiree of insalubrious sycophants.

It seems that Lady Chatterley has been quite ill as she has been bitten by a rabid insipid wombat. The wombat seems to have taken over the entire salon as it dominates every interaction and conversation that takes place in this den of intellectual inequity with its fearsome teeth and overpowering odor. The reaction to the bite of the insipid wombat causes the victim to become flaccid and  turgid in social intercourse. This malaise has affected all of the members of the salon except for Lady Chatterley's consort whose natural state is that of one who is flaccid and unresponsive. It is past understanding why Lady Chatterley does not protest these attacks but is seems that she feels this rabid and disgusting wombat is attractive in some way that escapes the understanding of  normal human understanding. Since Lady Chatterley was formerly presumed to be the locus of all drama in her demented salon it is past understanding why this wombat reign of terror is tolerated. Perhaps the Dear Lady's attention has been draw to other quarters or she may finally have fallen into the senile dementia which lurks so close to the surface in many of her attempts at social intercourse.

With your permission I will endeavor to keep you informed since you have expressed a passing interest in these matters. Your keen insights into the demented behavior of lunatics such as these would be most appreciated by the Yard..

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson. Please give my best to your brother Mycroft and my hope that he will soon recover from his unfortunate injury. I think it was perfectly plausible that the tusk of the narwhal had fallen off the wall of the club and bounced up and lodged itself in his fundament. It perfectly logical and understandable as was the fact that the unfortunate footman James was naked when the help arrived as he did not want to get any blood or feces on his uniform. It was a splendid act by your brother to get him a job as a footman at Downton Abbey. The only anomaly in the whole matter is that  I must say that I  have always assumed the Mycroft would be an aficionado of the Sperm Whale.

In any event give him my regards and my hopes for a full recovery..

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting you assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However  now it seems that new developments lead me to believe that we must concentrate on more immediate concerns.

As I had previously noted in one of  my prior missives, I or my agents had at one time or another have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were. .

Inspector Gregson had informally visited the salon over the past year to see if he might develop some leads. Or at least that was his stated purpose. In actual fact he had continued his visits because of some strange friendships he had struck up with some of the rather scruffy denizens of this talking shop. He first struck up a deep and abiding friendship with a young follower of Lady Chatterley who shared his interests in exotic spaniels, sodomy, coprophilia and defecation. They both reveled in their shared interests and exchanged many secrets and even some bodily fluids. But as you now know his new friend had spurned him due to his burgeoning relationship with a Sepoy who had recently been detailed to Devonshire from his regiment in Delhi. This has led to some violent disagreements and words of rancor that are most unseemly for a professional of Inspector Gregson sterling character. As I had previously noted in my various missives to you Inspector Gregson has fallen into a deep well of melancholia to the point that he refuses to leave his apartment when not attending to his duties and listens to show tunes on his gramophone while imbibe large quantities of sherry. He has been purchases large numbers of bananas and cucumbers which I must presume have become the staples of his diet. There also has been some talk of more exotic fruits and vegetables  such as misshapen and deformed rutabaga's and the occasional woody yucca tuber that defy description. It seems most unhealthy but I do not question him because I subsist on a steady diet of shepherd's pie and porter.

Inspector Gregson did report that the salon of Lady Chatterley has utterly changed character in the recent months. It seems that there is an entirely new group of sycophants and toadies as well as several women of dubious character. One harpy in particular has proven to be a thorn in the side of most of the other more genteel denizens of this group of lonely and dim conversationalists. She constantly  turns the conversation back to herself and her concerns while trying to start contretemps  and controversies that would have various groups bicker and joust while she sits back with a Cheshire grim gloating on her trouble-making. Every topic must refer back to her as she has an insatiable appetite for attention and an unerring path to victim-hood and drama. It seems that she has assumed the role of Douchebag without the benefit of the sobriquet.

It is past understanding why Lady Chatterley does not protest as this is her own recognized modus operandi and you cannot have two actors performing the same role. Perhaps her attention has been draw to other quarters or she may finally have fallen into the dementia which lurks so close to the surface in all of her attempts at social intercourse.

Further visits to this salon would not prove salubrious to ones mental health if the example of Inspector Gregson is indeed meant to be a caution to us all. But the Yard feels that such a group of knaves and malcontents should remain under a loose surveillance to insure that they do not constitute a real danger to her Majesty's government. In fact the harlot who I have previously mentioned is of Germanic origin and might have ties to the government of the Kaiser as witnessed by her fondness for gutter talk and her aversion to the Jews. The recent messages found on the wall in Whitechapel during the recent series of murders has led to a directive that all such Anti-Semitic activity be monitored by the proper authority.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I would note that I was surprised to see that he is a sometimes visitor to Lady Chatterley's salon and has in fact interacted with the aforementioned Germanic strumpet in the most contentious of ways. It was my understanding that Mycroft was a confirmed bachelor whose taste ran more to male companionship. His friendship and charity to the lower classes is legendary and there is not a street lascar or urchin that he has not offered succor. So to speak.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
October 19, 1899

Television without pity is the worst website on the internet!

Television without pity is the worst website on the internet. Not because of the content which can be pretty good. But because of the amount of control that is excercised by the moderators.

I was banned twice under two different screen names. You see they want you to only talk about the episode. And only talk about what happened on a specific episode. Otherwise they savagely delete you, yell at you, warn you to stop and then ban you from posting. It can be simpliest thing. Yesterday I put up this post:

"I feel bad for Kim(Richards). I hope she finds help now and that she gets off the show because it seems to suck out her soul.

And I missed last week. Did Brandi get Botox on her nipples?"

Now the point of this post was the joke about Brandies nipples. You see in the previous episode she didn't wear a bra and Kyle Richards was making fun of her and pointed her laser pointer at her nipples and made fun of her. This week she didn't wear a bra in Vegas and her nips were as large and hard as Jerry Sundusky at a Cub Scout Jamobree. So I thought it was kind of a funny joke. But it was deleted.

You see Kim went to rehab this week and they demanded that no one talk about it because it wasn't shown on the episode. They are so fuckin' anal and so on top of every post that they deleted it even though a couple of other posters picked up on the nipple joke and made a few of their own. Supposedly TWOP is about snark. But it is only their approved snark. They don't like what they don't control. They watch everything like a hawk and delete what seems like every other post. Either the whole post or they "snip" out a piece of it. That is no way to live. It really sucks. You bring some funny and they cut it out to control things. It is a sign of weakness. Of fear. Of being a control freak anal douchebag. It seems to be going around. Why would you want to delete an innocent joke or even an not so innocent joke. Who tries to control everything to such an infintismal degree?

Douchenozzles that's who.

It's enough to make any self-respecting person quit the site.

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. This curious case has dragged on and on. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. The anniversary of his disappearance has come and gone without a single note from his so called friends and admirers. But there some new and troubling developments made it such that I thought I might contact you as we have not corresponded about this matter for many months.

As I had previously noted in my last missive, I or my agents have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. He is never referred to or referenced in any way which is passing strange since so many professed an acute admiration for his talents such as they were. But not a peep from anyone for lo these many months.

Inspector Gregson had informally visited the salon over the past few months to see if he might develop some leads. Or at least that was his stated purpose. In actual fact he had continued his visits because of some strange friendships he had struck up with some of the rather scruffy dezians of this talking shop. He first struck up a deep and abiding friendship with a young follower of Lady Chatterley who shared his interests in exotic spaniels and defecation. But it seems his new friend had spurned him due to his burgeoning relationship with a sepoy who had recently been detailed to Devonshire from his regiment in Delhi. This has led to some violent disagreements and words of rancor that are most unseemly for a professional of Inspector Gregson sterling character.

Currently Inspector Gregson has made friends with a new visitor to the salon who seems a rather mysterious character. He speaks in a jargon not normally heard in these precincts. It is an arcane and rhythmic argot not normally found outside the confines of Bedlam. Although it often contains vague threats and anti-social sputtering there seems to be a glimmer of a deeper intelligence and good humor that is artfully concealed. Inspector Gregson has continued his correspondence with this strange character who signs all of his missives with a single letter as his mysterious sobriquet. It remains to be seen if this path of investigate will be fruitful but if anyone will be fruitful it most likely will be Inspector Gregson.

Many of Lord Douchebags strongest partisans have given up the search and in fact have separated themselves from Lady Chatterley and her gardening consort. The noted flautist and raconteur has left the salon and stopped his advertisements in the agony column of Woodwind News. The balding and fierce smith who owned the motorcycle shop has also left the salon and wanders about in his own more parochial pursuits of porter and greasy sausages. Even the noted historian of the salon has left for many years now and has transferred her attentions to the doings of the nefarious Red Headed League of which you are so familiar. All of them must have decided that the fate of Lord Douchebag is not something they care to ponder. Would that we could do the same.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I must tell you that I have purchased another one of his etchings for Inspector Gregson to thank him for his continued efforts in my Quixotic search for the elusive Lord Douchebag. He much enamored of your brother's techniques and continues to express his appreciation every day although I do not see why he would treasure these etchings so much. But I venture to presume that I am not as enamored of representations of naked street urchins bathing in the Thames and rubbing whale oil on each other as a prophylactic for the cold. My taste runs more to watercolors of lilies.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
September 6, 1899

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. But there some new and troubling developments made it such that I thought I might contact you as we have not corresponded about this matter for many months.

As I had previously noted in my last missive, I or my agents have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. But now an even more inexplicable event has transpired. The entire salon has disappeared.

Inspector Gregson had informally visited the salon over the past few months to see if he might develop some leads. Or at least that was his stated purpose. In actual fact he had continued his visits because of a strange friendship he had struck up with a young follower of Lady Chatterley who shared his interests in exotic spaniels and defecation. But it seems his new friend had spurned him due to his burgeoning relationship with a sepoy who had recently been detailed to Devonshire from his regiment in Delhi. This caused Gregson to leave in a huff. None the less he still maintained some correspondence with some of the other members of this obscure cult. And now it seems that have all disappeared. All of the fops, dandies, toadies and lickspittles have disappeared along with Lady Chatterley and her lover the erstwhile gardener. They have left no forwarding address or other means of contacting them. It is passing strange that they would flee and leave nothing but a pile of ash and an unpleasant odor.


I would like to ask if you would consider investigating this outré occurrence and help me puzzle out what has happened to the entire salon that has occupied so much of our thoughts the past few months. It is a mystery that requires you special talents to solve.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I must tell you that I have purchased one of his etchings for Inspector Gregson’s birthday. He was struck by it and continues to express his appreciation every day although I do not see why he would treasure it so much. But I venture to presume that I am not as enamored of representations of naked street urchins eating bananas. My taste runs more to watercolors of lilies.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
May 14, 1899

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must endeavor to inquire if you have given any further thought to the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and absence continues to bedevil the feeble minded set of miscreants that he has long been associated with.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. I thought that in the spirit of the current Easter season I would see if I could resurrect this paragon of virtue who sees to have disappeared without a by your leave to his many so called admirer’s.

Lady Chatterley’s circle has had no contact with Lord Douchebag and the shallowness of their regard is such that they have never met face to face or communicated other than by post. They have complete forgotten him as new favorites have appeared to flatter and beguile the populace and their esteemed hostess. Several of the most vociferous correspondents have seemed to have fallen by the wayside as new members have come to the fore. A young chappy who calls himself the “Dose” but who is secretly referred to as the “French Pox” is omnipresent as well as a rather lackadaisical lout who affects the sobriquet of an American Civil war battle such as Appomattox or Manassas or some such frippery. He much resembles Henry Wood from your case of the previous autumn with his disfigured and misshapen countenance matching his most grotesque character and morals. He and the “French Pox” together with others of Lady Chatterley’s circle of fops and toady’s have completely dominated this most unusual salon. It is as if Lord Douchebag had never existed.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you will turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Dr. Watson. I am glad that the protests that had been troubling your repose have ended now that the Tory party has come back into power and put the working class in it’s place . Dr. Watson’s work in chronicling this unpleasantness in the Police gazette was much appreciated especially in his photographic essay of the finely turned young ankles of the protesting women from the guild of dressmakers and seamstresses. It is so very fortunate that he revels in the seamy side of life. I trust that you both have a healthy and happy Easter and that I will hear from you soon.


Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 27, 1896

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have last requested you assistance in the troubling matter of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. But there some new and troubling developments made it such that I thought I might contact you as we have not corresponded about this matter for many months.

As I had previously noted in several of my missives, I or my agents have attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. It seems that the Lady and her circle have turned their attention to the unfortunate state of affairs caused by the collection of ruffians and workingmen who laughing call themselves a union. Discussion of these trivial contrempts has dominated the conversation and correspondence of this circle to the exclusion of all others.

It is passing strange indeed.It appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. It is as if he was in fact a fictional character taken full blown from the imagination of someone who has tired of the ruse and gone on to other pursuits. But a curious fact has emerged in the months I have been attending this gathering of simpering fops and angry misanthropes. I have come back again and again for many months as I find the ravings of the disturbed very soothing. Several of the former participants have also disappeared and no one seems to have noticed or commented on their untoward absence. An earnest young student who was a worshipful and devoted acolyte also seems to have disappeared without a word. Several musicians included a noted flautist have also vanished from these gatherings and their absence has been ignored by both Lady Chatterley and her consort. A grumpy and choleric ancient has also fled the scene never to be heard from again. In fact it seems that many of the former participants who were most intimately involved in the conversation have left under mysterious circumstances. Without the doyen of this group uttering the least inquiry or even a moue of regret regarding their sudden and unexplained disappearance.

But wonder of wonders it appears that the earnest young student has returned. He recently sent his first tentative missive which was greeted with great delight by some of the participants but which was of course ignored by the doyen of this establishment who does not deign to acknowledge anyone other than a favored few sycophants and toadies. Still the return of this long lost prodigal bodes well for the return of the famous Lord Douchebag.

I must pray to inform you that the intercourse among this tribe of outcasts and poor deluded souls remain most puzzling and I would like to formerly request that you turn you own prodigious intellect to the contemplation of this strange phenomena. If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I am glad to see that the unfortunate incident involving him and the double jointed lascar from the West Indies came to naught as this miscreant was indeed over the age of consent and his complaints could thus be dismissed out of hand as the importuning of someone seeking recompense for acts that he engaged in knowingly and for profit. I would also like to be so bold as to ask you to inform him that I continue to encourage my colleagues to purchase some of his etchings that he kindly offers to show to so many young people that he invites back to his rooms.

I remain as always,
You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
March 4, 1899

The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must once again must prevail upon you to inquire if you have any new information in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on and it seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern but who have gone on as though nothing has happened. But there was a passing question today about the case and I thought I might contact you as we have not corresponded about this matter for many months.

As I had previously noted in several of my missives, I had attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed the lips of any of the many participants for lo these many months and it is as if he never existed. They have seemed to turn their interests and efforts towards the discussion of some American woman and her family that seems to occupy their every waking moment. When I heard that one of the members of this family was an idiot child I thought I might have a lead but it turns out it had no relation to Lord Douchebag.

It appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. It is as if he was in fact a fictional character taken full blown from the imagination of someone who has tired of the ruse and gone on to other pursuits. But a curious fact has emerged in the months I have been attending this gathering of simpering fops and angry misanthropes for many months as I find the ravings of the disturbed very soothing. Several of the former participants have also disappeared and no one seems to have noticed or commented on their untoward absence. A certain member of the Red Headed League had so often participated that she was termed a “historian” of these soirées. But she has disappeared for many months without comment. An earnest young student who was a worshipful and devoted acolyte also seems to have disappeared without a word. Several musicians included a noted flautist have also vanished from these gatherings and their absence has been ignored by both Lady Chatterley and her consort. In fact it seems that many of the former participants who were most intimately involved in the conversation have left under mysterious circumstances. Without the doyen of this group uttering the least inquiry or even a moue of regret regarding their disappearance.

It is most puzzling and I would like to formerly request that you turn you own prodigious intellect to the contemplation of this strange phenomena. If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and that the controversy regarding the good Doctor and the chambermaid with the vestigial vagina ended in a solution that was satisfactory to all concerned. In all things I remain:

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
November 26, 1898

Did you ever have a Nightmare....

That Denver was following you around......even into the future?

Commentor Memories Number 41

Our second favorite professor at a prestigious university is very happy.

Professor Roesch-Voltaire is getting himself some freshman pussy!

I'd call you a dog but the President would get upset.

Who is the biggest douche bag in Sports.

Our new poll is who is the biggest douche bag in sports today. Your choices:

Tiger (I love my family) Woods

A-(I love myself)Rod

Ben (I love drunk college bitches, hard) Roethlisberger

Michael (I love my doggies) Vick

Lawrence (I love the ladies) Taylor

Let me know what youse guys think.

The dubious case of the disappearing Douchebag

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I once again must endeavor to inquire if you have any new information in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. This curious case has dragged on and on and it seems to have escaped the notice of so many who claimed the deepest interest and concern but who have gone on as though nothing has happened.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. What is most striking is that his name has not passed their lips these many months and it is as if he never existed. They have seemed to turn their interests and efforts towards the collection of strange fungi which seem to have some strange hold on them such that they search them out before even breaking their fast in the morning.

It appears that the other feeble attempts to search for Lord Douchebag have come to naught. It is as if he was in fact a fictional character taken full blown from the imagination of someone who has tired of the ruse and gone on to other pursuits.

No replies have been made to the advertisement in the agony column of Wood Wind Weekly which has returned to its more normal pursuits of the examination in detail of the Lenten observances of constipated musicians. No further pleas have been sent in either the post or the other areas where one often found the Douchebags. It seems that they have hit a dead end as well.

I did notice that someone has made one last ditch attempt to locate the elusive douchebag. It seems that they have published a likeness of Lord Douchebag on several cartons that have been distributed with various products. I am forwarding one to you for your examination and comment. Perhaps this is the way we will finally contact the Douchebags. But somehow I doubt it.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you have you turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well and that you brother was able to straighten out that unfortunate business with Wiggens. I am sure his allegations are unfounded and that nothing untoward has occurred when he was caring for your brother’s rare clumbers. Sometimes street urchins have vivid imaginations.

You obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
March 3, 1896

The Dubious Case of the Dissappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes,

For perhaps the final time it is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must beseech you one last time to determine if you have considered the facts I have developed in the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag.

It seems that he continues to be among the missing. Although the interest in his disappearance has completely ended and his so called friends have given up their inquires; still I must persist as it is my duty as a constable of Scotland Yard. I still must continue my official inquiry until an answer can be found to this dubious case of the disappearing Douchebag.

As I had previously noted I had attended many of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley where Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. But it seems currently that all thought of the absent Douchebag has gone and no one mourns his absence. In fact it seems that Lady Chatterley and her erstwhile lover have taken to new pursuits. Perhaps to assuage the “so-called” grief that was supposedly engendered by the abrupt and unexplained disappearance of Lord Douchebag.

In the course of my investigation I had determined that Lord Douchebag had assumed a different nom de plume in earlier correspondence within this salon. He took the strange moniker of Captain Jonathan Nucleo and wrote of his supposed explorations of strange places but who always ended up expounding on his exploration of his female companions nether reaches. Most unpleasant to the extreme. He subsequently adopted his real title as Lord Douchebag and as operated as such ever since.

It seems that Lord Douchebag is far from the thoughts of Lady Chatterley’s and her man as they have found other pursuits. Lady Chatterley has continued to pursue her interest in fashion by purchasing many dress made from Venetian Blinds and her lover has given full range to his enjoyment of the culinary arts by learning to cook in an organic manner which seems to consist of eating vegetables without washing off the manure that fertilized them in the growing process.

Nary a mention has been made of Lord Douchebag has been made in quite some time so I feel my inquiry has come to a dead end as it were.

I again beg to inquire if you will turn your hand one last time to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Dr. Watson and that the incident with your Brother Mycroft and the ambidextrous Hottentot with the swollen glans has been resolved without any further disturbance to your routine.

Your obedient servant,

Inspector G. Lestrade

Scotland Yard

April 27, 1897