The Dubious Case of the Disappearing Douchebag.

My dear Holmes.

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I must endeavor to inquire if you have given any further thought to the case of the not so recent disappearance of Lord Douchebag. It seems that he continues to be among the missing and absence continues to bedevil the feeble minded set of miscreants that he has long been associated with.

As I had previously noted I had attended several of the salons of the noted conversationalist and dilettante Lady Chatterley when Lord Douchebag was a frequent and much valued guest. In fact it has been told to me that the Lady in question has often referred to him as wonderful. I thought that in the spirit of the current Easter season I would see if I could resurrect this paragon of virtue who sees to have disappeared without a by your leave to his many so called admirer’s.

Lady Chatterley’s circle has had no contact with Lord Douchebag and the shallowness of their regard is such that they have never met face to face or communicated other than by post. They have complete forgotten him as new favorites have appeared to flatter and beguile the populace and their esteemed hostess. Several of the most vociferous correspondents have seemed to have fallen by the wayside as new members have come to the fore. A young chappy who calls himself the “Dose” but who is secretly referred to as the “French Pox” is omnipresent as well as a rather lackadaisical lout who affects the sobriquet of an American Civil war battle such as Appomattox or Manassas or some such frippery. He much resembles Henry Wood from your case of the previous autumn with his disfigured and misshapen countenance matching his most grotesque character and morals. He and the “French Pox” together with others of Lady Chatterley’s circle of fops and toady’s have completely dominated this most unusual salon. It is as if Lord Douchebag had never existed.

Once I again I beg to inquire if you will turn your hand to this most puzzling mystery? If so, perhaps I could drop by Baker Street to compare notes with you. If that is at all convenient please inform Dr. Watson who could pass on word the next time we meet at the club.

I hope all is well with you and Dr. Watson. I am glad that the protests that had been troubling your repose have ended now that the Tory party has come back into power and put the working class in it’s place . Dr. Watson’s work in chronicling this unpleasantness in the Police gazette was much appreciated especially in his photographic essay of the finely turned young ankles of the protesting women from the guild of dressmakers and seamstresses. It is so very fortunate that he revels in the seamy side of life. I trust that you both have a healthy and happy Easter and that I will hear from you soon.


Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
February 27, 1896