Marilyn's Diary

My Aunt Lily had a very talented tongue. She should have because she was a vampire. She tried to teach me some tricks. She could take a cherry stem out of a drink and tie it into a knot using just her tongue. She was always doing party tricks. She said she inherited her talents from Grand Pa.

It was strange that with all her talent she couldn't hold on to Uncle Herman. But I guess his new wife Carol Herman had something that attracted him. I mean she was very loquacious. She was erudite.

And she liked to give a Rusty Trombone while Uncle Herman was smoking a joint.

It was the 1960's after all.

Commenter Memories Number 103: Carol Herman meets her match

She met him on EHarmony. Her son seems to approve.

Good luck to the Happy Couple!

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...
Mitt Romney is the "McCain" pick. You know I how I know this? I was picking my ass and the nugget I pulled out had it written on it like a fortune cookie!

And, McCain couldn't get beyond 48%. I don't know why that is but I just like to read off numbers. Like my IQ. It's the same as my shoe size so it is easy to remember.

He wasn't picked by the GOP voters because they liked him, either! They picked him because they hated him. That's how I picked my first three husbands. It easier to put a pillow over their face that way.

Obama was actually picked ... because he was liked way more than Hillary! Plus he was black. They always pick black people when they are choosing up a side. Unless it is a spelling bee.

And, ya know what McCain said that proved to be sheer lunacy? And I know because sheer lunacy is my stock in trade. In fact I wanted to start a nylon stocking company with that name but the Chinks wouldn't let me open a factory because they said I was a lunatic.

He said the press loved him. What a dope. The press doesn't love him. Not like all the people here that love me. You really really love me. Like that Flying Nun twat Prince Fielder.

And, he'd get all of Hillary's voters. Because he looks like a middle aged woman. Especially in the cankles.

Plus, McCain believed no white person would vote for a black person! How do I know this. It was also on the fortune I picked out of the nugget from my ass. That how buster.

McCain's an idiot. Let me tell you something.
It takes one to know one.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...
FDR got elected 4 times. His first time out, in 1932, was AFTER the Great Depression took hold. He was depressed when he got elected because his pee pee stopped working. That would get anybody depressed.

We still had the depression in 1936. And, in 1940. Didn't interfere with FDR's ability to win presidential victories. He only wasn't depressed when he was with my girlfriend Lucy Mercer. We visited him at Hyde Park back when we were teenagers. We were interns and FDR took a personal interest in us. And we did the same with his depressed pee pee.

In 1944, FDR was so sick ... he won without actually even having the ability to campaign! (And, that's where he changed his veep from Wallace to Harry S. Truman.) No matter what Lucy and I did we couldn't get his ..spirits up. Plus Wallace was a commie.

Rick Perry's ad appeals to all those close-minded white people who thought they were doing such a heck of a job with slavery! Mean spirited doesn't even begin to describe these people! I mean every white person is personally responsible for slavery. Everybody knows that. Even the descendants of bog trotters and spaghetti benders who came here a hundred years after slavery was done. White peoples. They are the worst.

And, Rick Perry comes out appeal to these idiots? These stupid white peoples. Like they count. Just because they pay the bills. We need to only listen to egg head professors and tax eaters who should tell us what to do.

He should fire his media adviser. I mean how dare he tell the truth about people losing jobs. You don't have to work. We can get it all from the free buffet line of rich people who can pay all our bills.

Even if he decides not to run this ad to often ... it's VIRAL now! And, that's NOT a compliment! I mean I remember the viral from FDR.

He gave me herpes.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...

Jimmy Breslin just wrote a wonderful book about Rickey Branch. I LOVE JIMMY BRESLIN! I used to write him letters in the seventies about my neighbor's dog and what he told us to do until they arrested my postman who lived downstairs from me in Yonkers and errr.....well let's not talk about that.

Rickey Branch was the baseball manager for the Brooklyn Dodgers, back when he signed Jackie Robinson to play. Followed very quickly by Roy Campenella. I remember seeing a movie about him. "Sunrise at Roy Campenella" or something like that. He was in wheelchair. Except in the movie he was white. And the President. I was very confused.

I am always confused. I always mix up my tampons with my fishing lures. They both have strings. And those hooks can be sharpe.

Who was Rickey Branch? The manager who broke the color barrier in baseball. He was the first one to wear white socks with black shoes. Or Negro shoes as they called them back then.

Who was Jackie Robinson? Well, you could say he was a Black fella. But his accomplishments were that he could run. And, he could hit! I even went out on a date with him. That was a big deal in the fifties let me tell you.

Well at least I ain't running for President.

Suck my dick Joe McGuiness.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...

Off topic. But on menstruation. On the rag. (I got my "last" among all my friends.) But I had a friend who was as skinny as me, who mom didn't tell her anything. Who went to the beauty parlor to get her hair done. The hair on her head not the other one. You know not an Bolivia or whatever it is when they trim down south over the border. That ironpeter guy would have loved her.

And, she went to the bathroom. And, came out screaming ... because she was bleeding. All over the bathroom. And the floor when she ran out of the bathroom.

Of course, the women laughed. And pointed. And then they threw napkins at her. Not sanitary napkins. We didn't have them in 1932. They were regular napkins. And handkerchiefs. And a scarf. One lady even threw her a muff. For her bleeding muff. I mean it sounds right but it really wasn't.

But my friend had NO IDEA! Just like me. I never have an idea. But that doesn't stop me from telling you exactly how it is.

I wonder for how many women this would have been the truth? I mean they have to know that is why man are scared of us. We bleed all the time but we never die. Look at me. I am older than dirt.

And I don't look so bad.......do I boys?

Marilyn's Diary

Uncle Herman I were very close. We didn't have any secrets. I knew about his athletes foot and when he had to get the bolts in his neck tightened. And he always knew when I had my period. He actually loved that. He called it crime scene se.....errr he was just interested in everything about me.

That is why it was such a shock when he started dating Carol. He was always on the phone with her whispering and talking where no one could hear. He even got one of the first car phones for the Munstermoblie. At night he used to go out to the garage and turn on the radio and listen to the Dodgers and talk on the phone. We thought it was business. And it was. Monkey business.

You can't trust someone who spends too much time in a garage.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...
Good analogy from Basketball. But to win games you still need the players who get the ball into the basket. I love it when they put the balls in my mouth. Is that like a basket?

Now. If you want to grab a hissing cat, I'd suggest you aim for the scruff of the neck. I hate it when my kitty starts to hiss. Some call it queefing. I call it the Indiana love call. Those Hooisers come running when they hear the call of the pussy.

And, in this instance? You know I don't think the Chief Justice was sitting there, talking to Ann Walsh-Bradley on how they can anger Prosser. I think they were talking about irritating his prostate.

Because Justice Prosser shows up with 3 others. And, both ladies also knew how the decision broke. Like my water after my third rug rat. I flooded the Wabash and the Tallachee bridge.

I think Ann Walsh-Bradley is crazy enough that she flew off the handle! Cause Shirley was holding her handle. By the root e toot toot!

And, I also think when Justice Prosser saw her coming ... and flailing her arms ... (And, he couldn't go backwards except into a piece of furniture) ... He aimed NOT TO GET HIT IN HIS FACE! Now I don't think it's so bad. I like it when it hits me in the face. I have been hit in the face with more balls than Yogi Berra. But not Mike Piazza though.

Roggensack also intervened. Facing Bradley. If Justice Prosser was being the aggressor ... Roggensack would have face Justice Prosser, instead. Isn't Roggensack that thing at the end of Thor when all the Norweigans fight or something? Or is that the thing that would hit me on the chin when I was giving Roger Clemens a hummer?

I think the threat to GO PUBLIC also belongs to Ann Walsh-Bradley. This was HER GAME. While the Chief Justice (for a moment), thought her mask was going to fall off of her face! PANIC TIME! I hate it when my mask falls off. That happened at Plato's retreat once and that was why I had to shoot Andy Warhol.

For Shirley Abrahamson to lose her mask was on par with a woman's wig flying off in public! (This is why once women wouldn't go out without their hats on.) I always let them keep their hats on. And their boots. And their fake noses.

So, after this went public ... And, you'll never find out "who" leaked it ... The court, itself, has suffered damage. As if a rock flew in a window and shattered glass. That's what happens when I leak. I have a very strong flow.

Then? Well, why did Mark Bradley say his wife is now having crying fits? That she turns to tears for two or three minutes, at a spurt, before she regains her sanity? I wish I could regain my sanity. But I don't like to wash much anymore so I guess I am very un-sanity.

Sure. Judges should know the law. And, not just use it to make false CRIMINAL CHARGES appear out of the woodwork. Only termites should appear out of the woodwork. And those giant spiders. Yeah. That's right.

The damage has been done. The spiders are crawling on me now!

How it will get fixed? Stay tuned. (ET will call home.) I hate that Mary Hart. What a bitch. Her voice vibrates my fillings in my toothes and I can't sleep.

That is why I am always posting on the internets.

Hey here is a picture of me without make up. Enjoy Boys!

Commenter Memories Number 99: Ricpic's doctor has the touch

ricpic said...
Well, I went to see my doctor for my annual checkup and he increased my hi-blood pressure medication which will maybe keep me going a while longer but that's not the important thing the important thing is that the first time I saw this doctor last year I got the impression that he was hurry hurry rush rush get out of here and so I was all uptight about seeing him this time and almost ready to tell him goodbye but he took his time with me almost an hour and it was like the clouds lifting the point being that all we want is to have some attention paid to us not love not a bunch of hokum fakeass caring just some attention and I got that and is that asking too much? no it's not so I'm a happy camper now.

I feel like Carol Herman had something to do with that when she said she wanted to put her finger in his touchas.

It relaxed him or something.

Marilyn's Diary

Our idyllic life in Southern California was cut short one fateful day in 1968. When Uncle Herman left my Aunt Lily. And the family. And most of all he left me.

You see among many other things Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily were swingers. They would go to all these swingers parties where everyone would throw their car keys or their broomsticks or whatever in the middle of the table. They would all drink and take drugs and get crazy until they were ready to leave. Then the woman would fish around in the bowl and whatever car key or broomstick or magic vial she would pick...why she would go home with that guy.

One night a succubus picked the keys to the Munster Mobile. And Uncle Herman went home with Carol Herman.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...
Black nail polish! Even funnier if she pays someone else to paint this on! One of those Chinks in the nail parlor. I always tip them a dollar because any more they would spend on opuim and pencils to stick in their hair.

I think the people who sell the cosmetics like this to women ought'a be "boycutted." Of course only Jews get boycutted. I think that nice ricpic got boycutted at his bris really deep because he is always so cranky. He should call me and I would show him good time with my finger in his touchas.

Where did this idiot think you get the grass to stay green come from? It's chemicals don't you know. Like the jar of formdelyhyde I sleep in. It's better than Ponds!

Oh, yeah. Wasn't new sod put in at some point because the marchers destroyed some of the grass with their protests? I don't like new sods. I like old sods. That's why I want that nice RH Hardin or Ricpic or even better HD House to give me a call. I am like Betty White with an itchy twat. Wait that's redudant or however you spell that.

I love the reasoning! Especially Harry Reasoning. I mean he was so cute. I worked for ABC at the time and he loved for me to wash him up with a washcloth before he went on the air with that cunt Baba WaWa. What a bitch she was.

Even better! WIthout being asked ... the cops showed up. Like they do all the time at my house. Who the hell are they to tell me how many cats I can have?

And, I I could think of ... was ... wow that man with the shovel had powerful shoulders. I love a man with big wide shoulders. I mean when he is doing his business down there he won't fall in.

If you were at Woodstock, you'd have seen the applause for the truckers who brought in replacement Port O' Potties. Did I tell you I was at Woodstock? I took the brown acid. It wasn't so bad. That Chipmonk guy was a pussy.

In a more civil society ... the singers would have asked the working men ... if they had any musical preferences. Personally I love Dylan. All the senile baby boomers do.
He's so cool. And a rebel.

I miss the sixties now that I am in my eighties.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol Herman said...
It didn't work! Much like my meds.

Prosser has been vindicated. AND, he's also been sworn in for his next decade's term. That's ten years. About as long as I have been staying here in this facility. It is very nice. Except for that mean Nurse Ratched.

Did Prosser feel bad that he took his swearing in ceremony on July 26th? Instead of August 1st, or 2nd? The date is very important. I always remember what day it is. I have troulbe with the year but I always know the date.

Why would Prosser not want to choose staying out of the limelight? They banned me from the Limelight. And Xenon. The only place I could go is Studio 54 but that was only because Steve Rubell loved to get the Dirty Sanchez.

BRADLEY SHOULD RESIGN! WILLIS REED, DAVE DEBAUCHEE AND NATE BOWMAN TOO! AND THAT NASTY LITTLE SMECKALAH RED! I HATE A MAN WITH A RED SMECKALAH!!!

SHIRLEY ABRAHAMSON SHOULD RESIGN! SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE BETTY FRIEDAN! AND SHE MADE ME BURN MY BRA IN 1968!!!!! THAT"S WHY I ALWAYS TRIPPING OVER MY TITS!!!!!!!

Until they do? The story's not "closed." And neither are my legs. Well they are a little crusty and they do stick together but technically they are not closed like the subway two days before a hurricane.

When Bradley dies, take a guess at the headline? ("Couldn't prevent God's Chokehold.") I used to give the best chokeholds. That was another reason why I always got into studio 54. Plus the photos I had of Ian Schraeger and Brook Shields when she was ten years old.

Bradley gets to look UNPROFESSIONAL! How he could be a senator for so long and never press his suit I will never understand.

Prosser just has to keep on doing his job. (Which he seems to love.) Almost as much as he love chokeholds on his chicken.

Abrahamson and Kloppenhoppen both seem to have the same kind of "bad hair days." Maybe, they can write a book on how they tame their hair? I use Dippity Doo myself. Or cum. Whichever I can get the most of at one time.

Those two women blew a wad of credibility. Maybe, we should take bets on how long they servive their terms? I hate it when you blow a wad. That's what a good chokehold is for.

When Seuter left the Supreme Cout, I didn't see anyone shedding tears. Or learning how to spell his name that Pansy.

And, yes. We will always have KELO. That's the name of my pet gecko. I trained him to spelunk me. It is grand. Much like my canyon.

The Wacky World of Carol Herman

Carol_Herman said...

Winds are fierce. Trees get uprooted. And, it pays to stay indoors. I like to stay indoors. In my little chair that they strap me too. With the built in potty.

Mother Nature isn't to be fooled with! At least we can try to foretell what happens. Especailly when they make that fake butter. I hate that when they put that my toast. I remember when I was dating Marlon Brando and he only used real butter for anal like in that movie. The copied that from my life.

Once, I think, New York got hit by Hurricane Carol. I think it was hurricane Carol Channing. You see she didn't have bladder control and would flood the front rows of the Minskoff theater with her pee.

Then? I think there was a Hugo. You know when I was a young girl I gave Victor Huge a hummer. He said he used me as an inspiration for a character. He kept making me ring this bell. I wonder why.

The "evacuation" just means idiots get into the cars and start driving. Making everything worse. I hate these new fangled motorcars. I wish we could all have those chinks pulling in those ricksaws.

Oh, yeah. Stores should board up their windows. (Replacing windows is expensive.) That's why I put plywood over my computer.

And, anyone planning a big wedding? Well, there goes "that" deposit. And, all those plans. My first three weddings were very big. The next four were smaller. I had to keep moving since my husbands all seemed to die mysteriously. Bad luck don't you know. I wonder why that nice RH Hardin won't answer my emails. I know he is single.

Then? What if it veers west? And, then just roils the water? Wait a minute. The Atlantic is on the east side of New York. Whatever.

Is it better without weather reports? I have to ask AL Roker the next time I run into him at the bathhouse with Sam Champion. The good news is that hospitals have backup generators. But I have lots of batteries for my little friend.

I should be fine.