Diamonds are a girls best friend

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Toot’s Shor's Saloon, October  28, 1959 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: She’s in the back with some French faggot that she is making a movie with.  I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello. (Joe brushes by him without a word and walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? This is my friend Yves. He’s French. We made a movie together. Sit down and have a drink with us. (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a tuna fish sandwich left out in the sun)

Yves Montand: Bonjour Mr. Dimaggio. (Yves sticks out his hand and Joe looks at it. He ignores it like it was a dead fish. Humiliated the Frenchmen sits down and pulls out a cigarette)

Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? Yves and me have been having sex Joe. Lots of sex. You know he even knocked me up. That’s right. He got me pregnant. You couldn’t do that with your useless guinea needle dick.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: You can’t say that keed. Whaz da matta with you. You want Joe to pulverize this frenchy? (Yves Montard is not following the conversation too well. He just know the energy is bad. So he makes like a mime)
Marilyn: Shut up Toots. Joe needs to know what a useless fuck he is. Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. Joe divorced me because I couldn’t give him a baby. And that I fucked everyone. But that wasn’t my fault. That was how you get a job in Hollywood.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? Yves treats me right. He loves me Joe. Not like you. Even though I lost the baby he still comes around. Not like you you guinea fuck.

(Yves get more and more perturbed as Marilyn gets more excited. He puts his hand on her leg and she swats it away. Joe looks at that and his eyes narrow. Yves starts to sweat like there were Germans in the room)
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You believe me when I tell you that you were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all. I sucked them all.  But only Yves could give me a baby. YOU COULDN'T DO THAT COULD YOU?  WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed as she continually queefs out to the tune of La Mareillaise)

Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse grabs Yves hand and they storm out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Get me Frankie Carbo on the blower. Right now.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. That fanoik is a big deal actor. You can’t touch him.

 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, June  28, 1962 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a tuna fish sandwich left out in the sun)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I divorced Artie you know But I told you that already. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe. That dirty Jew cocksucker. He is a cocksucker you know. All of those theater type are homos.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah we heard about that keed. That’s a shame. But you shudda know that he was a sword swallower.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. But everybody is treating me different. I told you that most of them have stopped taking my calls. Sinatra dropped me. Dean won't answer the phone.  Even Jack won't let me visit him in the White House. I fucked him you know. Right in the Oval office under the desk where his children play. He stuck in me for about ten seconds and squeaked like a dog toy and came it two seconds. Why did he drop me Joe? Ain't I a good lay? I fucked his brother too. They made a sandwich of me in Camp David. Why doesn't he call me back. You always call Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? They all fucked me. Every one of them. I banged them all. Frank. Dean. Joey Bishop. I even did a three way with Sammy Davis and Mel Torme.  That's right. I fucked that little moolies eye right out with my clit. I showed that greasy prick Torme who had a golden fuckin' throat. I did em all Joe. So you ain't nothing special.
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all.   WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed)
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Sammy Davis. That little spook.  Tell Frankie Carbo I want to see Bumpy Johnson here tomorrow.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. They got rights now. Someday they will be running this fucking country. You wait and see. You don't want your fingerprints on this.

 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, October 1, 1960(Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex-wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)

Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back…just so you know. She’s there with Casey.

Joe DiMaggio:

Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, why don’t you just go up and say hello. But keep it nicey nicey please Joe. Think of my license. (Joe walks to the back to and stands in front of her table. She is sitting with a very worried looking Casey Stengel and she is not wearing any underwear)

Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She begins to queef quietly, just barely audible over the sounds of the bar. )

Joe DiMaggio:

Toots: Of course he missed ya kid. Didn’t ya Joe?

Casey: Hey Joe. Fancy meeting you here. Marilyn and I were just having a couple of pops. I am waiting for the boys to show up. I hope they didn’t go to the Copa again. Maybe you can get the boys to keep them out for me?

Joe DiMaggio:

Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I have. I have been seeing

I am seeing a bunch of people. Sinatra. That cute Florida senator. In fact he is going to introduce me to Jack Kennedy. (She starts to queef louder and more furiously. It sounds almost like a song. In fact when she did it in Hollywood later that week it inspired Johnny Mercer to write Moon River)

Joe DiMaggio:

Casey: Joe I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Marilyn and I are just friends. I just sat with her so I could avoid talking to Kyle Rote. He is a queer you know. Always trying to get free tickets and into the locker room. He has a thing for Elston Howard. Likes his poon tangy I guess.
Marilyn: Don’t be stupid Casey. He knows we ain’t fucking. I don’t fuck old guys. Unless I can get a movie out of it. And even then it usually just a blow job. I don’t fuck old guys or limp dick ball players. Not anymore. Right Joe you greasy fucking guinea?

(She is now queefing as loud as a pond full of drunken ducks)
Joe DiMaggio:

Marilyn: What nothing to say…typical. Useless limp linguine dick motherfucker. Let’s go Casey you better get me a cab you hump back fucker. (Marilyn picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)

Casey Stengel: Sorry Joe. I will put her in a cab. Come in see me at the Stadium for the Series. I know we are going to smash the Pirates. Just like old times. (Casey sheepishly limps away and follows her out of the restaurant)

Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe.

Joe DiMaggio: Get me that faggot George Weiss on the phone. That fucking loser is finished with the Yankees. When I get finished with him he will be lucky to get a job managing a Horn and Hardart.

Toots: You sure Joe?

Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUP!

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, September 28, 1961(J Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolsen stroll into the saloon wearing crisp matching suits and flowers in their lapels)
Toots: Hey look at youse fanooks. How you doin' Eddie. And Clyde. What are you doing with this ugly mug.
Clyde Tolsen: That's for me to know and you to find out sweetie. Come on and give us a kiss.
J Edgar Hoover: Shut up Clyde. We need a table Toots. We just lost a bundle at Aqueduct.
Toots: Eddie, Eddie you got to stop betting like that. What is Jack gonna say? He is gonna fire you. I know Bobby hates your guts. He hates fanooks even more then he hates the Eyetalians.
J Edgar Hoover: I know that you stupid Sheeny. I need to talk to Joe D.
Toots: Don't get your panties in an uproar there chief. He's in back. And he is with Marilyn. She just got out of the nuthouse so don't say nuthin about how she looks.
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties. She is wearing a white dress and her makeup is mussed and her hair is disheveled. All of her hair so to speak. She is hot and sticky so to cool off she is queefing non stop. Sort of like a mallard with Tourette’s syndrome.)
Toots: Joe looks who's here. It's the campus couple Eddie and Clyde. Have a seat boys and I will get you a couple of grasshoppers or sumthin.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: ( stands up and extends her hand. Her twat queefs out the National Anthem. She leans forward to whisper in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Mr. Hoover. And look you brought your girlfriend. Nice to see you again. (She extends her hand shyly and tries to shake with J Edgar Hoover but he avoids it as he thinks girls are dirty, but Clyde Tolsen rushes up and hugs her) 
Clyde Tolsen: Oh Norman Jean. I love you. You are so fab. I feel like a candle when I break wind. I want to show you a photo of our rare clumbers. Clouds! Tits! Let me tell you about my bowels.
Marilyn: Oh that's nice. I love you fellas. I used to room with Wally Cox. Right Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: Joe just helped me check out of the hospital and we are just hanging out.
Toots: Yeah he checked you out of the crazy house you bug house bitch.
Marilyn: Shut up you dirty hebe. Don't let him talk to me like that Joe. What's the matter with you!
J Edgar Hoover: I need to talk to Joe for a minute Miss Monroe. What's that smell? Is somebody eating clams? Is there a dead mackerel in the flower pot or something.
Marilyn: Please don't be angry Mr. Hoover. I don't want to go back to the crazy house.  I know you can do that. I mean you did it to Frances Farmer and Rosemary Kennedy.(She is starting to get anxious and starts queefing up a storm to the tune of the “Flight of the Valkyries.)
J Edgar Hoover: No seriously. Toots. What's going on? It's like somebody is molesting a dead halibut. 
Marilyn: It's just very warm in here. It's Indian Summer and Toots is too cheap to turn on the air conditioner. 
J Edgar Hoover: Turn on the air conditioner Toots or I will have to send your wife a copy of that photo of you with your entire head in Joan Blondell’s balloon knot. That's enough to ruin your business right there. Nobody would be able to eat your food again.
Toots: Ok calm down. I will turn it up. Jeeez are you having menopause or somethin’ you old queen?
Clyde Tolsen: Calm down Mary. It's just Marilyn's lady parts. She is sweating a little and there is some dew on the bearded clam. Don't you know anything?
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe? (Marilyn is getting more anxious and excited and she starts queefing even more furiously to the point that she is secreting and spritzing like Uncle Tanoose doing a spit take.)
J Edgar Hoover.: Enough the whole of youse. Clyde take Miss Monroe over to bar and get her a cocktail. Or a washcloth.( Clyde takes Marilyn by the hand and leads her over to bar where they order grasshoppers)
J Edgar Hoover: Joe I can't work with this fucking lace curtain prick Kennedy anymore. He is pushing me and the photo's I have of him with his dick in his retarded sister aren't enough anymore. I need to do something. I know you know who to reach out to so when you are throwing out the first pitch at the stadium to start the series I want you to slip me a couple of phone numbers. I need Santo’s phone number. Not his regular phone. The other one he does business on. And I need to speak to Carlos down in New Orleans. Oh and get me Momo to come up to DC to talk or I will publish those photos I have of the Maguire sisters with the midget.
Joe DiMaggio: 
J Edgar Hoover: Thanks Joe. Just so we understand each other. One hand washes the other. Remember I can publish those photos of Ted Williams with the kid from the Salvation Army any time you want if they start up with that greatest living player bullshit again and don't pick you. It's in the bag. (Hoover nods at Joe, goes to the bar and grabs a protesting Tolsen by the elbow and marches him out of the restaurant)
Marilyn: (visibly calming down as she walks back to the table) Thank God they left. Angry queens makes me nervous.  That’s why Jeff Chandler always gave me the willies. So Joe do you want to get a bite before we go home.
Joe DiMaggio: Yeah a big smelly plate of Bacala just like my mother used to make. With black olives. You know I love the smell of that.
Marilyn: Oh Joe I love you.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (The Next Generation)

"Ladies and Gentleman. Welcome to Yankee Stadium on the day we honor our Captain and Leader Derek Jeter. Now we will send it down to the field for your ceremonies with John Sterling and Michael Kay"

"Welcome everyone to Derek Jeter Day in which we honor our beloved Captain and Leader Derek Jeter. We will bring out many people who were very important to Derek's career. His parents. His family. Joe Torre. His great teammates like Posada and Mariano and O'Neil and Cone and Bern Baby Burn Bernie Williams. Plus people that have nothing to do with him like Harold Reynolds and Cal Ripken and Michael Jordan. We will celebrate Derek's bright and shiny career as a Yankee Legend. What do we have up first Michael?"

"Well John we have the forty three players who played second base in tandem with Derek. Welcome all of these second baseman. We have Mariano Duncan and Chuck Knoblauch and Andy Fox and Pat Kelly and Homer "I Blame" Bush and Miguel "Let's Bomb" Cairo. Let's give them a big Yankee Stadium welcome......."

"BOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!!!!!! GET LOST!!!!!!!!!

"And that's how we do it here in Yankee Stadium John. Perhaps some of them have a few words to say? Here's Chuck Knoblauch to speak on behalf of all of them. Chuck?"

"LOOK I AM NOT CRAZY! SO I BECAME A GARDENER AND MARRIED A DRIED UP OLD BAT FOR HER MONEY! I AM NOT CRAZY! I LOST ALL ME MONEY TO BERNIE MADOFF AND THE THING IS WHEN I THROW HER A FUCK AND MISS SHE DOESN'T"T CARE! I AM NOT CRAZZZZZEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

"Thanks for that Chuck.......err maybe the nurses can help him out....so lets continue with our program. The only list that is longer then the second basemen that the Captain has played for is the women he has banged in his Yankee career. So let's have a big Yankee Stadium welcome for all the bitches that Derek Jeter has banged.....Come on down ladies....welcome Jessica Biel and Minka Kelly and Jordan Brewster and Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba and three hundred cocktail waitresses, fifty bartenders, sixty five chambermaids, twelve reporters and of course the one and only Mariah Carey! Welcome Ladies!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!!!!! YOU REALLY SUCK!!!! I MEAN YOU SUCK AT SUCKING OTHERWISE HE WOULDN'T"T HAVE DROPPED YOU!!!!! SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!"

"So let's get Mariah to step up and speak for all the girls since she was his first celebrity date. Mimi?"

"Thank you John. I just wanted to say that my days with Derek were among the best of my life and even though I am married to Nick Cannon he really only has a pop gun so Derek I want to give my digits ...... wait a minute....what is going on?"

"Sorry Mimi but a stiff wind just blew up and for some reason all of the guests on the field seem to have fainted. Do you smell the ocean.......ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!! WHEN IS THE GIANT GAME STARTING?"

"We will be right back after this word from our sponsor. GET THE HAZMATT TEAM OUT HERE STAT!"

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend.

Toot’s Shors Saloon, September 28, 1961(J Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolsen walk into the saloon wearing crisps suits and flowers in their lapels)
Toots: Hey look at youse fanooks. How you doin' Eddie. And Clyde. What are you doing with this ugly mug.
Clyde Tolsen: That's for me to know and you to find out sweetie. Come on and give us a kiss.
J Edgar Hoover: Shut up Clyde. We need a table Toots. We just lost a bundle at Aqueduct.
Toots: Eddie, Eddie you got to stop betting like that. What is Jack gonna say? He is gonna fire you. I know Bobby hates your guts. He hates fanooks even more then he hates the  Eyetalians.
J Edgar Hoover: I know that you stupid Sheeny. I need to talk to Joe D.
Toots: Don't get your panties in an uproar there chief. He's in back. And he is with Marilyn. She just got out of the nuthouse so don't say nuthin about how she looks.
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties. She is wearing a white dress and her makeup is mussed and her hair is disheveled. All of her hair so to speak. She is hot and sticky so to cool off she is queefing non stop. Sort of like a mallard with Tourette’s syndrome.)
Toots: Joe looks who's here. It's the campus couple Eddie and Clyde. Have a seat boys and I will get you a couple of grasshoppers or sumthin.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: ( stands up and extends her hand. Her twat queefs out the National Anthem. She leans forward to whisper in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Mr. Hoover. And look you brought your girlfriend. Nice to see you again. (She extends her hand shyly and tries to shake with J Edgar Hoover but he avoids it as he thinks girls are dirty, but Clyde Tolsen rushes up and hugs her)
Clyde Tolsen: Oh Norman Jean. I love you. You are so fab. I feel like a candle when I break wind. I want to show you a photo of our rare clumbers. Clouds! Tits! Let me tell you about my bowels.
Marilyn: Oh that's nice. I love you fellas. I used to room with Wally Cox. Right Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: Joe just helped me check out of the hospital and we are just hanging out.
Toots: Yeah he checked you out of the crazy house you bug house bitch.
J Edgar Hoover: I need to talk to Joe for a minute Miss Monroe. What's that smell? Is somebody eating clams? Is there a dead mackerel in the flower pot or something.
Marilyn: Please don't be angry Mr. Hoover. I don't want to go back to the crazy house.  I know you can do that. I mean you did it to Frances Farmer and Rosemary Kennedy.(She is starting to get anxious and starts queefing up a storm to the tune of the “Flight of the Valkyries.)
J Edgar Hoover: No seriously. Toots. What's going on? It's like somebody is molesting a dead hallibut.
Marilyn: It's just very warm in here. It's Indian Summer and Toots is too cheap to turn on the air conditioner.
J Edgar Hoover: Turn on the air conditioner Toots or I will have to send your wife a copy of that photo of you with your entire head in Joan Blondell’s balloon knot. That's enough to ruin your business right there. Nobody would be able to eat your food again.
Toots: Ok calm down. I will turn it up. Jeeez are you having menopause or somethin’ you old queen?
Clyde Tolsen: Calm down Mary. It's just Marilyn's lady parts. She is sweating a little and there is some dew on the bearded clam. Don't you know anything?
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe? (Marilyn is getting more anxious and excited and she starts queefing even more furiously to the point that she is secreting and spritzing like Uncle Tanoose doing a spit take.)
J Edgar Hoover. Enough the whole of youse. Joe I can't work with this fucking Kennedy anymore. He is pushing me and the photo's I have of him with his dick in his retarded sister aren't enough anymore. I need to do something. I know you know who to reach out to so when you are throwing out the first pitch at the stadium to start the series I want you to slip me a couple of phone numbers. I need Santo’s phone number. Not his regular phone. The other one he does business on. Oh and get me Momo to come up to DC to talk.
Joe DiMaggio:  (Hoover nods at Joe and grabs a protesting Tolsen by the elbow and marches him out of the restaurant)
Marilyn: (visibly calming down) Thank God they left. Angry queens makes me nervous.  That’s why Jeff Chandler always gave me the willies. So Joe do you want to get a bite before we go home.
Joe DiMaggio: Yeah a big smelly plate of Bacala just like my mother used to make. With black olives. You know I love the smell of that.
Marilyn: Oh Joe I love you.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend (The Next Generation)

Hello?"

"Hi, is that you Derek?"

"Yes who is this?"

"It's me, Mimi.'

"Mimi who?"

"Seriously Derek, you can't have forgot me already?"

"Is that you Cashman? Stop fuckin around."

"It's me Jeets. Mariah. Mariah Carey."

"I don't believe you."

"Look I can prove it to you.....(she caterwauls a high note that makes Derek’s cat jump off the balcony and falls to it’ death. That was ok because Derek never kept the same pussies around for very long. It is what he is known for.)"

"That doesn't prove anything. Cashman has been a soprano ever since Steinbrenner cut his balls off in 1997."

"Well if I am not me....how would I know that you used to like when I put on that Nurses outfit with the dildo with the numbers printed on it like a thermometer and shoved it up...."

"Ok...Ok so it is you Mimi. Was up? I haven't heard from you in a while."

"I just wanted you to know that I am really lonely these days. I miss you. I have always missed you."

"Aren’t you married and have a couple of kids or something. To that Nick Popgun guy. I bet your cooze is about the size of a manhole cover after you shit out those twins."

"They have an operation for that silly. I am as tight as one of those Japanese school girls they used to send up to Hidecki Matsui’s hotel room. You can come up and try it on for size. I have nothing to do now that I got fired off of American Idol."

"That’s ok Mimi. It might be tight and all but I bet it still smells like the Gowanus Canal on a July night after a dolphin died in it’s own shit."

"Fuck you ….you no good piece of shit I can't believe the Yankees gave you another contract you washed up piece of sh...(Jeter hangs up the phone)"

"Jeeez. Everybody's a critic. How am I going to stop this bat shit crazy whore from busting my chop’s. I know. I will text A-Rod her number. They both have a lot of time on their hands. "

 

TRIPLE PLAY!

ricpic said...
TRIPLE PLAY!!!


Not sure about this, but it may be the only one in Yankee histoire.

The last one was in the 1970's. So to speak.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, May  31, 1962 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a mackerel that has been dead for quite some time)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I divorced Artie you know But I told you that already. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah we heard about that keed. That’s a shame.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. But everybody is treating me different. I told you that most of them have stopped taking my calls. Sinatra dropped. Dean won't answer the phone.  Even Jack won't let me visit him in the White House. I fucked him you know. Right in the Oval office under the desk where his children play. He stuck in me for about ten seconds and squeaked like a dog toy and came it two seconds. Why did he drop me Joe? Ain't I a good lay?
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? They all fucked me. Every one of them. I banged them all. Frank. Dean. Joey Bishop. I even did a three way with Sammy Davis and Mel Torme.  That's right. I fucked that little picaninnies eye right out with my nipple. I showed him who had a golden fuckin' throat. I did em all Joe. So you ain't nothing special.
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all.   WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed)
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Sammy Davis. That little spook.  Tell Frankie Carbo I want to see Bumpy Johnson here tomorrow.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. They got rights now. Someday they will be running this fucking country. You wait and see. You don't want your fingerprints on this.

 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, September 28, 1961(J Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolsen walk into the saloon wearing crisps suits and flowers in their lapels)
Toots: Hey look at youse fanooks. How you doin' Eddie. And Clyde. What are you doing with this ugly mug.
Clyde Tolsen: That's for me to know and you to find out sweetie.
J Edgar Hoover: Shut up Clyde. We need a table Toots. We just lost a bundle at Aqueduct.
Toots: Eddie, Eddie you got to stop betting like that. What is Jack gonna say? He is gonna fire you. I know Bobby hates your guts. He hates fanooks like he hate Eyetalians.
J Edgar Hoover: I know that you stupid Sheeny. I need to talk to Joe D.
Toots: Don't get your panties in an uproar there chief. He's in back. And he is with Marilyn. She just got out of the nuthouse so don't say nuthin about how she looks.
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties. She is wearing a white dress and her makeup is mussed and her hair is disheveled. All of her hair so to speak)
Toots: Joe looks who's here. It's Eddie and Clyde. Have a seat boys and I will get you a couple of grasshoppers or sumthin.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Mr. Hoover. And look you brought your girlfriend. Nice to see you again. (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and tries to shake with J Edgar Hoover but he avoids it as he thinks girls are dirty, but Clyde Tolsen rushes up and hugs her)
Clyde Tolsen: Oh Norman Jean. I love you. You are so fab. I feel like a candle when I break wind. I want to show you a photo of our rare clumbers. Clouds!
Marilyn: Oh that's nice. I love you fellas. Right Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: Joe just helped me check out of the hospital and we are just hanging out.
Toots: Yeah he checked you out of the crazy house you bug house bitch.
J Edgar Hoover: I need to talk to Joe for a minute Miss Monroe. What's that smell? Is somebody eating clams?
Marilyn: Please don't angry Mr. Hoover. I don't want to go back to the crazyhouse. (She is starting to get anxious and starts queefing like a mallard caught in a mousetrap)
J Edgar Hoover: No seriously. Toots. What's going on? It's like somebody is molesting a mackerel.
Marilyn: It's just very warm in here. It's Indian Summer and Toots is too cheap to turn on the air conditioner.
J Edgar Hoover: Turn on the air conditioner Toots or I will have to send Punch a copy of that photo of you with your entire head in Joan Crawford's cooch. That's enough to ruin your business right there. Nobody would be able to eat your food again.
Toots: Ok calm down. I will turn it up. Jeeez are you having menopause or somethin you old queen?
Clyde Tolsen: Calm down Mary. It's just Marilyn's lady parts. She is sweating a little and there is some dew on the bearded clam. Don't you know anything?
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe? (Marilyn is getting more anxious and excited and she starts queefing even more furiously to the point that she is secreting like a snail on speed)
J Edgar Hoover. Enough the whole of youse. Joe I can't work with Kennedy anymore. He is pushing me and the photo's I have of him with his dick in his retarded sister aren't enough anymore. I need to do something. I know you know who to reach out to so when you are throwing out the first pitch at the stadium to start the series I want you to slip me a couple of phone numbers.
Joe DiMaggio: Don't worry Edgar. I will call Santo and Carlos. Thet will know what to do. (Hoover nods grabs a protesting Tolsen by the elbow and marches out of the restaruant)
Marilyn: (visibly calming down) Thank God they left. He makes me nervous. So Joe do you want to get a bite before we go home.
Joe DiMaggio: Yeah a big smelly plate of Bacala just like my mother used to make. With black olives. You know I love the smell of that.
Marilyn: Oh Joe I love you.