Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: Back to Garden. I have another game tonight.
Dave the limo driver: That’s right, you got in the game last night. First time in five years right?
Eddie Curry: Don’t be an asshole Dave. Jayson Williams still needs someone to drive him to court to cop a plea this week. Don’t you make me send you down there.
Dave the limo driver: Sorry Eddie. But you had a great game right?
Eddie Curry: Pretty good, pretty good. 3 out of 4 from the field. Went to the line a whole lot. Got to the middle. You know what that means?

Dave the limo driver: What’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: I was feelin’ it. You feelin’ it Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Not really Eddie.Eddie Curry: Maybe you should. Pull over. It’s time you start feelin’ it bitch.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: Down to Jersey. To the court house. I have to testify in a parole hearing.

Dave the limo driver: What you’re baby moma is getting out of lock up.

Eddie Curry: No, not that bitch. She be doing a six year bit. No my buddy is gonna go back on trial and he needs some character witnesses.
Dave the limo driver: So who is it? Rush Limbaugh. Hee, hee.
Eddie Curry: No dummy. It’s Jayson Williams.
Dave the limo driver: Yo that bitch? Damn he’s the guy that shot his limo driver. How can you go testify for him Eddie?
Eddie Curry: You say that like there’s something wrong with it. Limo drivers can be a pain in the balls.

Dave the limo driver: Damn Eddie, I don’t think I am a pain in the balls.
Eddie Curry: Maybe not but you certainly don’t pay enough attention to my balls. Pull over and we can play Interviewing for the Letterman show by the side of the road.
Dave the limo driver: What does that mean Eddie?

Eddie Curry: That means you play ball or you don’t get the job. Or play with my balls more precisely. Let’s see if you as good a ball handler as Jamal. Damn I gonna miss that dude. Pull over bitch.

(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the airport. I have to fly out to Lamar Odom’s wedding. He’s marrying one of those Kardashian ho’s.
Dave the limo driver: OH SHIT! The one with the big ass? Man she’s hot. Ain’t she banging some football player.
Eddie Curry: No not that one. That’s Kim with the big ass. Reggie Bush is getting in her bush. No Lamar’s marrying the stupid one. Well the stupidest one.
Dave the limo driver: Shit how can you tell which one that is?
Eddie Curry: It the dumb bitch that looks like a tranny. You know the one that was on the Celebrity Apprentice and got fired the first week cause she had a parking ticket.
Dave the limo driver: Yo that bitch? Damn she’s got a bigger Adams apple than Lebron James man.
Eddie Curry: You say that like there’s something wrong with it.
Dave the limo driver: Damn Eddie, I don’t care about that shit. I mean if Lamar wants some of the strange good for him. He can cruise with Eddie Murphy and all those dudes on the down low.
Eddie Curry: Yeah well he don’t have to cruise no more since he got his own home tranny equipment. And you know what else Dave?
Dave the limo driver: What Eddie?
Eddie Curry: I don’t gots to crusie either. Pull over bitch and we’ll see if we can keep up with the Kardasian’s.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: Over to Stephon Marbury’s house in Coney Island. We be doing an intervention.
Dave the limo driver: OH SHIT! Dude did you see that you tube video with Stephon crying and dancing to the Michael Jackson video and eating Vaseline and shit. That shit was whack.
Eddie Curry: Whack? What the fuck it this 1994? This is a limo not a time machine and you don’t be lookin like Reverend Jim.
Dave the limo driver: I’m sorry Eddie I was just joking around. So who else is gonna be there?
Eddie Curry: Well his cousin Sebastian Telifair even though he hates his ass but his momma is making him go. And maybe Nate Robinson if he be out on bail from that driving thing. I don’t think Lee is coming cause I think he went to Alaska or wherever those white boys go on their time off.
Dave the limo driver: Do you think Coach D’Antonni will be there?
Eddie Curry: What are you a fool? That wop don’t give a shit about Stephon that be why he cut him in the firstest place. He only likes his boy he drafted that was always hurt.

Dave the limo driver: Damn Eddie, I don’t think you should be talking about always being hurt ya know.
Eddie Curry: Don’t worry about what I say, worry about whats you gots to do bitch. Hey Davie?
Dave the limo driver: What Eddie?

Eddie Curry: I gots another use for Vaseline not like Stephon. Pull the car over and I’ll show you bitch.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the airport. I am flying out to Vegas for the summer camp. I gots to get some game if I want to be on the team this year. They might cut my ass.
Dave the limo driver: Well you look like you have dropped some weight.
Eddie Curry: You checking me out Davie? Thanks I be feeling fine. I am down to about 325lbs and I ain’t weighed that since I was in the third grade. Course I was in the third grade for seven years but you know what I mean.
Dave the limo driver: I’m sorry Eddie I was just joking around. So you ready to play.
Eddie Curry: I got’s to play man. I only got two years left on my deal and I already spent it all. They gonna take my house away man, they be forclosing on me.
Dave the limo driver: What but you make millions man. Where did it all go?
Eddie Curry: Well I got a couple of baby momma’s that ain’t dead yet and more kids than Michael Jackson’s telephone book. Plus cheese doodles and Mountain Dew got real expensive. Another reason to lose some weight. Rice cakes are cheap. I mean who the fuck wants fuckin’ rice cakes.
Dave the limo driver: Damn Eddie that’s tough. But you been paying me with no problem. Do I have to start looking for a new job.
Eddie Curry: Oh no Davie. In fact I got your new job right here. Pull over and you can get to work. Touch it Davie like you mean it bitch. It be reflected in your gratuity bitch.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: To the NBA draft Eddie. The Knick’s look like they are going to make a trade and get Darko Milicic and I need to show my face.
Dave the limo driver: I thought all the guys on the Knicks were darkies except for David Lee.

Eddie Curry: Racial humor Davie? Racial humor? You know Jayson Williams needs a ride to the insane asylum maybe I can send you down there with the limo.
Dave the limo driver: I’m sorry Eddie I was just joking around. You seem very sad today.

Eddie Curry: Yeah I am. One of my famous celebrity friends died. Someone very dear to my heart. You know I first out about love from them back in the day.
Dave the limo driver: What you banged Farrah Fawcett?
Eddie Curry: No you big dummy she was icky.

Dave the limo driver: Don’t tell me….Ed McMahon….wow!

Eddie Curry: NO YOU MORON. Ed McMahon what are you stoned.
Dave the limo driver: Well sorry but that’s who just went toes up.
Eddie Curry: No. You see when I was a young ten year old kid I went to a lot of basketball camps. Then Coach Valvano took us to this big house with circus rides and monkeys and everything. And I got to meet Michael Jackson.
Dave the limo driver: Holy cow Eddie I didn’t know you knew the King of Pop.

Eddie Curry: Yeah we even slept over. Me and Jamal Crawford. But it was funny. For the King of Pop he had really bad soda pop. He gave a can of Mountain Dew that made me really sleepy and the next thing you know I woke up with my underwear on backwards and a fondness for Abba. Ever since then Mountain Dew has made my ass sore. I wonder what that was all about. But Michael let me drive his car in the driveway. That was really exciting. You know what else would be exciting Davie?
Dave the limo driver: What’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. Like it’s Human Nature. Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way?

(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the airport Davie. I gots to go to Orlando for the next game in the finals.
Dave the limo driver: Why do you want to go there Eddie? It looks like it is over. How can they come back now that the Lakers are up two games to none?
Eddie Curry: I knows that Davie. I figure if I show up Orlando will remember me and make a trade to get me on their team. That Howard is just a chump and a lot of PR man.
Dave the limo driver: PR like that broad they just put on the Supreme Court?
Eddie Curry: No you fool, PR like public relations. He ain’t no puertro Rican. I think the skinny bitch on the Lakers is one though. And it ain’t that kind of relations neither. Not the kind where I knocked up my baby’s momma behind the middle school.
Dave the limo driver: That the one that got, got this year?
Eddie Curry: Yeah that the one. Anyway I am balls ass lucky anyways.
Dave the limo driver: How’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: Well when I was in Chicago this big mean woman at the hospital kept hitting on me. She worked there or something and was married to some big shot. But he was on the down low and wasn’t giving her a little somethin…somethin and she was looking around and started checking me out cause I was there a lot. I got injured a lot you know.
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie. No shit. Just like in New York.
Eddie Curry: Yeah well I is careful that way now-a-days. I be watching where I put it. Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. Like you Kung Fu hanging from the closet pole. Com’on see if you can grabs it out my hand grasshopper. Damn my collar is tight.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: To the airport Davie. I gots to go to Chicago and meet with Donnie Walsh the general manager at the gm meetings.

Dave the limo driver: Why do you got to meet with him Eddie?
Eddie Curry: I want to convince him to let me stay with the team. He is gonna try to sign Lebron James and I want to stick around.

Dave the limo driver: But I thought Lebron is on Cleveland?

Eddie Curry: He is but the Cavs just lost and Cleveland has gots to be looking pretty shitty rights about now. I mean who in their right mind wants to move to Ohio anyways?
Dave the limo driver: I hear Ohio is cool. They have lots of flowers and pretty dogs and funny looking white people you can stare at and make fun of and stuff. I mean it ain’t New York but it is kind of cool.
Eddie Curry: Well when Lebron is a free agent next year they want to convince him to come to New York. That’s where I can help.
Dave the limo driver: How’s that Eddie?
Eddie Curry: Well look at all the monies they be paying me and I ain’t done shit the last two years except get fatter and more depressed and make Isiah wants to kill hisself. Think how much they be paying Lebron cause he actually play. But one thing Davey?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.

Eddie Curry: I ain’t like the Knicks no way no how. You gots to earn your money with Eddie Curry. Touch it Davie. Touch it like you wants to earn your paycheck bitch.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2009)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the Garden. There’s a game tonight.
Dave the limo driver: Oh are you going to play that’s great Eddie.Eddie Curry: No I am not going to play. I have a bad back. And my knees hurt. So I just have to sit on the bench to collect my check.
Dave the limo driver: That sucks man.
Eddie Curry: It’s not so bad sitting on my ass collecting a check. My mama did that her whole life.
Dave the limo driver: That’s terrible Eddie. I mean don’t you want to get in the game?
Eddie Curry: Not anymore. Now that my man Barry is in we are all just gonna sit around and collect checks. It’s gonna be great.

Dave the limo driver: Yeah but didn't he fuck up the stock

market?

Eddie Curry: Nah man, didn't you see it got a little rise today. Just like me. Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. I want to do to you what Barry is doing to the stock market. Hard.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?

Eddie Curry: To my accountant’s office. I just got a call from the IRS.

Dave the limo driver: Oh my God, that’s terrible. Is something wrong?
Eddie Curry: Yes. You see the Knick’s have been paying your salary as my limo driver and I was supposed to pay taxes on that and I didn’t know.
Dave the limo driver: That sucks man.

Eddie Curry: But it gets worse. When Barack Obama heard about it he called and told me I had to be in his cabinet. You see he only wants to have people who cheated on their taxes in his cabinet.
Dave the limo driver: That’s terrible Eddie. You won’t be able to play ball anymore. I mean you haven’t played for two years because you are fat and outa shape but still.
Eddie Curry: I know. I have to become Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. In charge of erecting new housing. In fact I think I might as start now. Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.

Eddie Curry: I have a new urban erection right here. Touch it Davie.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So where am I driving you?
Eddie Curry: To the airport Davie. They shot my baby’s momma
Dave the limo driver: Oh my God, that’s terrible. Do they know who did it?
Eddie Curry: They think it was one of the other baby daddy’s. They don’t know if it is number two baby daddy or number six.
Dave the limo driver: Don’t they have names?
Eddie Curry: I guess they do. But my baby momma wasn’t too good with names. I told her to get Trojans and she got Projans at the 99 cents store and the condom broke. That’s why she is my baby’s momma. And now they killed her Davie. Right in front of my son.
Dave the limo driver: That’s terrible Eddie. You have had a really tough year.
Eddie Curry: I am glad to hear you say that. Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. Touch it for my baby’s momma cause she ain’t here to do it.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So am I driving you down to the Garden for the Martin Luther King day game?

Eddie Curry: Yes Davie, do you know anything about Dr. King?
Dave the limo driver: Sure, he fought against racism and stuff like that and some guy shot him in a motel or something.

Eddie Curry: Yes but did you know that the FBI persecuted him and taped him?
Dave the limo driver: No I didn’t know that.
Eddie Curry: Yeah it’s true. They had tapes of him with other women and they even said he liked to go on the down low with some of his assistants.

Dave the limo driver: It could be a lot worse, that really doesn’t take away from what he accomplished in his life. It doesn’t make him a bad person.
Eddie Curry: I am glad to hear you say that. Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yeah Eddie.

Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie. Touch it for Dr King.

(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm. So am I driving you down to Washington for the inauguration?
Eddie Curry: No Davie, what do you think all black people know each other. I mean I do know Obama. He used to play in pickup games with the Bulls when I played in Chicago.
Dave the limo driver: Was he any good?
Eddie Curry: Not really. What he really liked to do is get the ball down low in the paint and back his way into me, grinding and grinding and smiling and grunting ….and well I hope there ain’t no film of that.
Dave the limo driver: It could be a lot worse, you could have played with Michelle. I hear she is bitch under the boards.
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)

Driving Eddie Curry

Eddie Curry: Davie?
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.
Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.
Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]
Eddie Curry: You are.
Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.
Eddie Curry: Davie are you sorry you took this job? I try to be a good boss.
Dave the limo driver: It could be a lot worse, I almost took the job with Jayson Williams.
Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie.
(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)

Driving Eddie Curry.

Eddie Curry: Davie?

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: You're my best friend.

Dave the limo driver: No, go on Eddie.

Eddie Curry: No, really, you are... [Takes Davie's hand]

Eddie Curry: You are.

Dave the limo driver: Yes'm.

Eddie Curry: Touch it Davie.

(Driving Eddie Curry, 2008)