Kung Flu: Pandemics of the United States

The first epidemic that caused a widespread panic in the United States was the Japanese Crab Flu brought to America by Commodore Matthew Perry after he opened up Japan in 1853.  Brought to American by the sailors who were part of the expedition to open Japan to American trade this pandemic caused giant crabs to grow on the genitals of the infected parties. It was transmitted sexually and caused a panic as the infected would stumble through the streets with giant crabs protruding from the front of their pants.

Except for the Secretary of State James Buchanan who inexplicably caught a case that was protruding from his anus.

(Kung Flu: Pandemics of the United States by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

You Didn't Build This City

Although he was often credited with inventing the telephone, in fact Alexander Graham Bell did not create the company the bore his name and brought instant communication to the masses. In fact it was a government bureaucrat who was responsible because with out the taxes put on communications there would be no phone company. In fact the first words spoken through this invention were not as common cited "Watson come here." It was in fact "Watson I must pay more taxes so my worthless neighbors can live a life of ease while I toil in their stead."

The first phrase was just for the common people who do not understand the nuances like the Harvard elite.
( You Didn't Build This City on Rock and Roll, The Government Did, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Harvard University Press 2012) 

Do you want a water back?

The first President to attempt a liquid diet was William Howard Taft who was induced to start the diet by noted fraud and cereal maker John Harvey Kellogg of Battlecreek Michigan. He got the rotund chief executive to follow his fad diet because of his fear that the vigorous Theodore Roosevelt would best him in the up coming presidential election where the former president ran under the banner of the Bull Moose party. Since President Taft often enjoyed eating an entire moose at a sitting he decided to follow the diet where he would eat no solid food but simply consume liquids. The principally consisted of a thin consume, Saki and smoothies made from rotting fruits and hard boiled eggs. President Taft did begin to see positive results as he lost eight pounds in the first week. Which was not in fact unusual as he lost as much every time he went to the bathroom. Since the effect of this diet was to confine him to the bathroom it was not unexpected that he would loose the weight. He had to have a specially designed potty chair created for him for Cabinet meetings as he could not always make it to the bathroom in time to void his liquidy bowels. The diet almost cost him his marraige as his wife was outraged that he dropped weight faster than she did and she threatened to divorce him if he didn't let her win. Fortunately for America and his marriage he lost the election and could go back to consuming an entire calf at lunch and end his frivolous pursuit of a fad diet that ruined his Presidential campaign and his nuptial bliss. He never had a smoothie again.
(What's That Smell, The History of the Fad Liquid Diet, by Doris Kearns Goodwin, General Mills Press 2011)

Buddy Clinton died for your sins!

President Kennedy had many different pets when he was in the White House. He had young kids and they loved their pets. They had Gaullie a poodle and Charlie a Welsh terrier and Pushinka a mutt that the Russians gave them. They had hamsters and fish and birds and of course Caroline had her pony Macaroni. The President loved to have three ways with Macaroni and one of his interns who were his sexual slaves. He liked nothing better than having sex in the pool with Macaroni and an intern. He loved water sports. And he just loved molesting the sweet young starry eyed girls who worked as interns. The press knew all about it but didn't say anything like they later did with Clinton. That was because JFK would have the interns blow the important newspapermen and eat out the girl reporters. That was why JFK was the only president that Helen Thomas ever liked.  But that was only because he set up at three way for her with Macaroni and an intern. Using Robert Reich as a human dildo just wasn't the same thing.

(Buddy Clinton Died for Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press, 2009)

Hey I just got an email

Doris Kearns Goodwin is really pissed at me for printing all those extracts from her book.

Especially when I mention what she used to do when she was an intern for Lyndon Johnson back at his ranch.

She wants to know what's the big deal. She was a swinger. She would just get drunk and crazy and go out looking for head.

My kind of girl.

Sorry Doris. I appolgize. Carry on.

Don't step in the mainstream!

To be a card carrying member of the Main Stream media it is required that you direct your stream solely at Republicans and conservatives. There has been long tradition of very pissed off journalists who enjoy voiding their bladders over anyone more conservative than George McGovern. It began with the rivalry between George Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst which originated in the frenzy that led up to the Spanish American War. Their competition was so fierce that it led to Mr. Hearst taking out his enormous penis to urinate on the steps of the White House to protest President McKinley’s inertia in light of the provocation of the Spaniards. This action led to two unforeseen consequences. The heavy yellow stream caused by Mr. Hearst’s addiction to pineapple juice led to the creation of the type of “Yellow Journalism” where the journalist is more important than the story. It continues to this very day in the work of such giants as Geraldo Rivera, Bill O’Reilly and Christine Amanpour. And the rumors of the size of his enormous penis led to long affair with Marion Davies as well as the fascination with black men by his granddaughter Patti that led to her alleged kidnapping by the Symboinese Liberation Army.
(Truth Doesn’t Even Have It’s Pants On, The History of the Main Stream Media, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2006)

Look out for the Main Stream!

The term main stream media was first coined by Walter Jenkins during the administration of Lyndon Johnson. President Johnson was fond of the saying that he wanted the press to on “the inside of the tent pissing out instead of the outside of the tent pissing in.” Mr. Jenkins was in charge of maintaining an clear even flow of news that would be going in the direction that the White House favors or what the called the “Main Stream.” It was also a handy device to refer to those members who liked to pee on Mr. Jenkins when he took a wide stance in various men’s rooms in the Washington DC area.
(Truth Doesn’t Even Have It’s Pants On, The History of the Main Stream Media, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2006)

Whose you're Daddy Mr. President

James Buchanan had a troubled relationship with his father. A distant and somewhat effeminate man, James Buchanan Sr. had eleven children who strangely enough looked totally different from him or each other. Young James Buchanan Jr. was much closer to his mother Elizabeth Speer a scion of the German family that produced such luminaries as the Third Reich’s Albert Speer. He spent much of his youth helping her at the family business the Buchanan hotel until an unfortunate incident with a young woman and a spring pump and a kitchen knife. Young Master Buchanan was sent off to boarding school never to return but he did enjoy dressing in some of his mother’s discarded homespun frocks so he might feel closer to her.

He was estranged from his father for the remainder of his life but strangely enjoyed calling his roommate of many decades, Senator and later Vice President William Rufus King by his pet diminutive of Daddy. Unlike Andrew Jackson who called them Nancy and Fancy. Not that theres anything wrong with that.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)

Whose You're Daddy Mr. President

George Washington did not have a long relationship with his father Augustine who died when the future president was only eleven. The cause of his father’s untimely demise is not recorded although legend has it that his wife Mary nagged him to death. Washington’s mother did indeed nag him unmercifully his entire life to the point that he ran away to join the milita and felt dodging bullets and Indian arrows was much preferable to letting his mother nag him to death as well. Augustine Washington did bequeath to his son 64 slaves, the Strother plantation and the ability to tune out the voice of any woman no matter how loud or long she might harangue him. This caused some difficultly during his Presidency because in Cabinet Meetings he could never follow what Thomas Jefferson had to say as he had a high pitched womanish voice much like that of Jennifer Tilly. This disaffection led to the creation of the two party system and the rise of political parties in the fledging United States.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)

Buddy Clinton Died for your Sins!

The mainstream media has been courrpt and useless since the very birth of our republic it is just that they have been useless in different ways. For example they never publized the fact the Franklin Delano Roosevelt was crippled and had to survive in a wheelchair. It was covered up to the extent that most Americans did not even realize that he was disabled.

Instead the press publizied such trivialites as the fact that he had a little black Scottie terrier named Fala. However they neglected to mention that he also kept Shirley Temple as a pet for most of the 1930's.

(Buddy Clinton Died for Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press, 2009)

Buddy Clinton died for your sins!

Calvin and Grace Coolidge had one of the most loving and close relationships of all presidential couples. Although President Coolidge was know far and wide for being very taciturn his wife confided to her diary that he put his tongue to better use. But the general silence of the mansion led Grace to spend a lot of time with her pets of which she had the biggest menagerie since Theodore Roosevelt. Her favorite was her pet raccoon Rebecca who was hit with children from all over the world. The first pet coon to be owned by a president since Thomas Jefferson, Rebecca was a big hit at the annual Easter egg hunt where she would run out and gather all of the eggs before any of the children could get to them. This greatly pleased the frugal Coolidge’s who hated to give out anything for free. Unfortunately there was a tragedy when Rebecca unwittingly bit the hand of young Robert Taft who was reaching for an egg. Robert ran screaming into the garden to his Dad Chief Justice William Howard Taft. There was screaming and chaos and children running underfoot and the corpulent Chief Justice was tripped and fell, crushing both Rebecca and the diminutive Ambassador from Kingdom of Siam.
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, 2009)

Nice Guys Finish Second!

The first recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize was of course Frédéric Passy of France. A famous diplomat he had learned his trade under the auspices of his famous uncle Hippopotamus Passy who was a cabinet minister under Louis Napoleon where he advocated the adventure in Mexico. Hippopotamus was famous for both his enormous girth and craven nature. He advanced the notion that the glory of France must be enhanced by the conquest of Mexico but was the first to insist that they run away when the United State threatened them after the end of the Civil War.

Frédéric Passy most famous accomplishment was to create the Ligue internationale et permanente de la paix to avert war between France and Prussia over Luxembourg. This gave a respite of a decade before hostilities broke out between the two quarrelling powers.

What no one knew was that the inspiration for this achievement was a memo crafted by his personal secretary Henries Pussy a distant cousin on the distaff side. This blatant theft so outraged the young intellectual that Monsieur Pussy joined the Army where he rose meteorically in the officer corps to a position of power and influence on the general staff. His theories spawned many acolytes in the French officer corps and his minions proudly took the name pussies after their revered mentor.

In fact to this very day, the French army is very proud to be considered pussies.
(Nice Guys Finish Second, Men who Lost the Nobel Prize, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press, 1998)

Nice guys finish second.

It never sat right with George Whipple when he won the Nobel Prize in medicine in 1934 for his invention of dual ply toilet paper. Even though he shared the prize with two other doctors, he knew in his heart that his assistant Bill Charmen was the man who really invented it when he was caught short one day in the lab and was forced to use two pieces of typing paper that were stuck together. Mr. Whipple stole the idea and patented it and licensed it for millions of dollars.

Whipple was celebrated for his contributions to human hygiene, won the Nobel prize for medicine and became rich and famous while his assistant died alone and penniless. Whipple later named his company after his erstwhile friend and paid tribute to him in a series of commercials that are repeated to this day.

Unfortunately Mr Charmen's contributions have been wiped from the history books. So to speak.

(Nice Guys Finish Second, Men who Lost the Nobel Prize, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press, 1998)

Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins

Much as he loved to be surrounded by a bevy of beauties, JFK loved dogs very much and had many of them during his days at the White House. In this photo from White House archives, Presidential dog Charlie gets some love from Caroline as the president, John-John, and Jackie frolic with Pushinka's puppies Blackie and White Tips and family dogs Shannon, Clipper, and Wolfie. The Kennedy’s loved all of their dogs equally and took very good care of them. Unfortunately one weekend when they were called away, they left them in the care of Uncle Teddy who got the bright idea that he would wash them.

They all drowned.
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2009)

Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins

President Kennedy famously gave his daughter a pony called Macaroni. Now every little girl always loves a pony and she was very happy with her daddy. Unfortunately they had to get rid of the horse because little John-John kept calling her Aunt Eunice.
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2009)

Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins.

President Eisenhower was not very sentimental about animals as he never had time to keep pets in his Army career. But in the White House he got very attached to his Weinhermier puppy who was named Heidi. He was also a big fan of professional football and the new advances in televisoin. Unfortunately he had to have Heide put to sleep because she would always shut off the television with sixty five seconds left in the game and refuse to let anyone near the set.

(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, 2009)

Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins

Warren G. Harding famously loved his Airedale terrier Laddy Boy. He would have birthday parties for his dog and invite the pets of his cabinet members. Laddie Boy had a hand carved seat that he would sit in during cabinet meetings although he wasn't allowed to speak much like Hillary Clinton during President Obama's cabinet meetings. It was reported that he howled for three days straight before President Harding left him in the White House. Much like Hillary Clinton did before her husband went to negotiate with North Korea.

(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2009)

Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins.

The most famous photograph of a presidential pet happened during the administration of President Lyndon Baines Johnson. He was photographed holding one of his pet Beagles by the ears and terrible controversy ensued. As you can see in the accompanying photograph an already elderly Helen Thomas was present and started a campaign against the beleaguered President because no one had held by the ears in quite a long time. Most pundits of the present day also condemn the supposed cruelty of this pose except for blogger Andrew Sullivan who sees nothing wrong with holding a beagle by it's ears. In fact he calls it hot.

Let me be clear. Having Lyndon Johnson hold you by the ears is not hot. Trust me. I know what I am talking about.
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2009)

Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins

The most conservative of all our presidents had the most outre collection of pets.President Calvin Coolidge had at one time or another in the White House collected two white collies, an Airedale terrier, a Shetland Sheepdog, a Bulldog, a German Shepard, two Raccoons, a donkey, a bobcat, two lion cubs and a wallaby. But his strangest pet was Billy, or William Johnson Hippopotamus,a pygmy hippo from Liberia. A gift from the wealthy tire inventor and flagrant homosexual Harry Firestone, this pygmy hippo was one of the most famous pets of his time. He was brought in chains to the 1939 Worlds Fair in New York where he briefly escaped captivity only to be cornered in Times Square in an incident that later served as the plot for the famous movie King Kong. Much like similar immigrants from his continent, Billy fathered numerous offspring out of wedlock and is considered the common ancestor to most of the pygmy hippos that exist in America to this very day. At the time of his demise in 1955 he had sired twenty three offspring which is record only once equaled by Shawn Kemp formerly of the Seattle Supersonics.

A pygmy hippo did not reside again in the White House until President Barack Obama allowed his wife's aunt Madea Robinson to move in much against his own better judgement.
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Godwin, Playboy Press 2009)

Buddy Clinton Died for Your Sins

In 1898 President William McKinley was gifted with a Yellow Headed Mexican Parrot from the administration of El Pesidente Porfio Diaz. This parrot was a particular favorite of the President as he was ensconced in a cage in the oval office. The parrot was named "Washington Post" after the newspaper as well as the informative and funny things it would shout out at various visitors.
It was an very astute avian opinion maker as it would shout out perceptive comments such as "Dirty Whore" when Alice Roosevelt would enter the room. Unfortunately one of the words it never uttered was "Duck" so after President McKinley was assassinated, the unlucky bird was brought before the first Presidential Death Panel and was summarily executed. It was stuffed and presently is perched on a hat owned by Tim Gunn of "Project Runway."
(Buddy Clinton Died For Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press 2009)