Summer of Boo Boo

Most of the famous bears in America had moved to Jellystone. Or at least spent their vacations there. Ever since Yogi had set up his grotto in the park. He copied the one at Playboy Mansion that he was invited too by Hef when he had his TV show. Everyone came to visit him and hang out during the summer.

Smokey was always there toking up. One summer he invited his Hollywood friends Cheech and Chong and they were high all summer. They tried to give us some of their dope but we didn't indulge. We stuck to fermented garbage we would get from the tourist cabins.

Gentle Ben would come out and get drunk and rowdy and try to rape some of the lady bears. You see the nickname Gentle was sort of a joke like calling a really fat guy Tiny. Gentle Ben was a real asshole. They really should have called him Rapist Ben. He started a motorcycle club called Sons of Ursus and for a little while Sister Bear was his old lady until he wanted her to pull a train. She wasn't down for that so she came back home.

The Coca Cola Polar bear spent the summer with us. He liked the heat. In fact he spent most of his time sunbathing and trying to find oriental  campers he could kill and eat. They reminded him of the Inuit back home. Plus he spent a lot of time having sex. You see he was pure white and that was attractive to a lot of the lady bears who were sick of the black and brown bears who only wanted to fuck and live off their welfare checks. So he got laid a lot even though he was weird. Whenever he would put it in he would scream ISITINYOUYET! I think it was a Eskimo thing.

The weirdest of all was Gentile Ben. You see he was a brown bear who spent all his times with Jews. His regular job was up in the Catskills where he was the Shabbos Bear. You see he would turn on the lights and the TV's for the Jews who couldn't touch anything on the Sabbath. His main job was with this famous Lady Comedian named Maisel. She would take him on tour where he would act as a body guard as well as the Shabbos Bear. Gentile Ben was very weird. He wouldn't eat pork and he never spent any money. Plus he had a really big nose. He said it helped him fit in. He went on one date with Sister Bear but she said he was too strange. He wanted her to wear a wig and showed her a sheet with a hole in it. That was enough for her.

All of these strange sexual goings on took their toll on the family. The children had grown up and were sexual beings. Sister Bear was being pursued by many different bears. She had lots of dates and love affairs. The problem was not with her. It was with brother bear.

You see he never had a girlfriend. He just went to work at the Post Office and then followed around long brown haired campers to the make out spots in the park. It was actually pretty scary.

It was the Summer of Boo Boo.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

Jellystone CSI

Suspicion about Smokie's activities heightened as we notice the types of woman he would flirt with. He would walk by the most babelicous woman to talk to someone who walked like a man. At first we thought it was a political thing as Smokey is very liberal as are most bears of color. So to see him hanging out with Birkenstock wearing henna tattooed chicks with hairy underarms was par for the course. But something different was going on.

You see he really hated these woman. He would gain their confidence by seeming to be a clear articulate black bear and then he would turn on them. It was terrible.
(Jellystone CSI, Memories of a Park Ranger Forensic Scientist, Penguin Press 2009)

Jellystone CSI

We never knew what happened to all of those young hikers who disappeared in Jellystone. They would come and visit with Yogi and Boo Boo and of course Smokey who had a condo here.

They would come and see the sites and go off on a hike and where never heard from again. At first we suspected Yogi who as you all know was a crack addict and a big time pussy hound. But he was in the can when the last victim was found. And she was a lesbian so we knew she wasn't Yogi's kind of poontang. She was the first one we found who wasn't a charred bag of bones buried deep in the forest. She was found spread eagled over a campfire with the lanyard from a campaign hat wrapped around her neck.

So we turned our investigation towards Smokey.

(Jellystone CSI, Memories of a Park Ranger Forensic Scientist, Penguin Press 2009)

Don't vote for him, vote against the other bear!

The reason why Yogi had to quit the race had nothing to do with his drinking or his sexual exploits. It really had more to do with his mental health. You see Yogi had lost it when Cindy left him and he began to have vicious mood swings. He be happy and jovial one minute banging his bear sluts in the grotto two at a time. And then he would flip and go eat garbage out of the cans by the pininic tables and maul the tourists who protested. You see Yogi had turned into a Bi-Polar bear.
(Rudy Wendelin, Where there’s Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)

Don't vote for him, vote against the other bear!

Smokey’s only real competition for Mayor of Jellystone was from the most famous resident. Yogi Bear. Now Yogi had a lot of ups and downs. His wife Cindy had left her for that guitar playing douche bag Gentle Ben when he wrote that sappy song “You look Wunderbear Tonight!” Then he spent a lot of time drinking and partying at his grotto with his bevy of bear cuties. At one time he was living with three whores Holly, Bridget and Kendra all at the same time. Now you would think such immorality would preclude him from office but most of the animals didn’t really care. I mean you know how the saying goes “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Well once you let them shit all over the place, who cares about a little three sex with a bunch of hot ursine cooze?
(Rudy Wendelin, Where there’s Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)

Where theres Smoke.

So Smokey was all ready to take over as President of cartoon town when all of a sudden a big scandal broke out in cartoon town. It seems they had tapes of Yogi and Boo Boo planning on getting bribes when they had to pick the new symbol of the forest service. Plus they wanted to get Cindy Bear a no show job on a corporate board at Hanna Barbera. The DA the Tasmanian Devil wanted to indict everyone. The question was, what did Smokey know and when did he know it?
(Rudy Wendelin, Where theres Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)

Where theres Smoke

Smokey actually breezed through the general election. I mean nobody could believe that the other side had nominated Yosemite Sam. The only reason why it was close was because he had Snow White as his running mate. Everybody loved Snow White. She was warm and loving and a real family person. But then they started a rumor that Dopey was really her retarded son. It was very hurtful. And she couldn’t understand why Foghorn Leghorn got a free ride on the other side. He was always saying stupid stuff. Politics was just a dirty business.
(Rudy Wendelin, Where theres Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)

Where theres Smoke

Smokey never really said or did much. He was always just present you know. But most people liked him. And he could give a great speech. I mean he was always talking about ending forest fires and bring hope and change to all the boys and girls. Nobody gave him much of a chance when he ran against Malificent who was the wicked witch in Sleeping Beauty. They thought she was a shoo-in. Plus they were all scared of her. But somehow he won the nomination. She just couldn’t bear it.
(Rudy Wendelin, Where theres Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)

Where there's Smoke

A lot of the voters in cartoon town had their doubts when Smokey the Bear ran for President. I mean there had never been a bear of color elected to any post before. Plus he didn’t have any experience other than you know, preaching about Forest Fires and shitting in the woods. Plus everyone was a little leery of anyone who came from Jelly stone. I mean Yogi Bear had been mayor there for a long time and a lot of crooked stuff went on over the years. Someone was always dipping into the pic-a-nic baskets.
(Rudy Wendelin, Where theres Smoke, The E True Hollywood Story of Smokey the Bear)